Cheating Boyfriend - Need Some Serious

[MrsGrey]

I know it is not easy to believe this person anymore, how hard it may be since i have been with him for 6 years through all the ups and downs.

 

It is a really really sad realization for me.

 

I question myself of course, with all the why's and what if's.

 

I am a very strong and independent woman and yet things like this, can sometimes make me so weak and irrational.

 

It was one great love i had. I have loved him unconditionally.

 

Sad that i am simply a safe bet for him.

 

I really want to get the stuff he has of me. I feel that it will give me some closure

Please advise.

[Zahara]

I really want to get the stuff he has of me. I feel that it will give me some closure

Please advise.

 

Getting "stuff" back isn't closure. That makes zero sense.

 

Closure is accepting that he is a cheater and that you will never have the relationship you hope for. Closure is accepting that you deserve more and that you want someone that will respect and treat you with love and care. Closure is wanting to move on because you know you deserve better.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Zahara

[MrsGrey]

Can you please help me with some advise on the ff:

 

1. As part of the rebuilding of trust - I asked him to show me his cellphone statements to prove that i should trust his words - Never showed me it.

 

2. He promised that I can see his phone anytime as part of the rebuilding the trust - When he does, he has to hold it and he himself will need to navigate it himself.

 

3. He claims he wants to work things out but i feel the intimacy level is not the same on his end anymore.

 

4. He does not want me bringing up the past whenever or answer any of my questions about it.

 

Am i being too inquisitive about those issues? And that it impedes our moving forward. Please clarify.

[MrsGrey]

Let me mention though on all occasions that i caught him betraying my trust, he would cry and beg me. He even cried and told me that he needs help.

 

Did he really mean it?

[Zahara]

Mrs. Grey:

 

He is a serial cheater. He was cheating on his wife with you. He has cheated on you twice. The first time you caught him, he came back crying and begging. Apparently, it was all a show because he cheated again. This time around he has blamed his indiscretions on you. And his inability to be transparent with you now, is a very true sign that there this man will not change and be what you want him to be.

 

1. As part of the rebuilding of trust - I asked him to show me his cellphone statements to prove that i should trust his words - Never showed me it.

 

And you know why.

 

2. He promised that I can see his phone anytime as part of the rebuilding the trust - When he does, he has to hold it and he himself will need to navigate it himself.

 

And you know why.

 

3. He claims he wants to work things out but i feel the intimacy level is not the same on his end anymore.

 

He does not want to work things out because if he did, he wouldn't be doing #1 and #2. Even if he did #1 and #2, there is no love. A man that loves you doesn't treat you this way.

 

4. He does not want me bringing up the past whenever or answer any of my questions about it.

 

That is because he wants you to shut up and let him do what he wants. He has no ability to feel or understand the pain you are going through because he isn't emotionally attached to you.

 

5. Am i being too inquisitive about those issues? And that it impedes our moving forward. Please clarify.

 

No, you are not. If anything he should be doing everything and anything to gain your trust.

[Zahara]

Let me mention though on all occasions that i caught him betraying my trust, he would cry and beg me. He even cried and told me that he needs help.

 

Did he really mean it?

 

Does it matter? If he needs help, he certainly isn't doing anything to help himself. It's just talk.

[anika99]

Another thing that i want an answer on please, is that , why is it that he has found other women and have relationships with them, once i have found out, he will seem to end those relationships and "choose" me over them?

 

When he should have just ended ours.

 

 

Because he likes having his very own personal doormat at home. Why would he give that up? The other women aren't a sure thing. He doesn't know if they would put up with his blatant disrespect and abuse the way you do. If he left you to be with another woman and she kicked his ass to the curb then this poor poor man could actually be left alone and God knows he certainly doesn't want that to happen. Better to keep good ole faithful at home for back up. By the sounds of it he was quite happy to keep his wife around too for as long as she would have him.

[MrsGrey]

Thank you again for your generous advice.

 

It helps me a great deal to rationalize issues.

 

I am trying my hardest to ease the pain and move forward.

 

Let me mention that from the time he got divorced and moved back to his parent's house, he never seemed to have bothered to get his own place.

 

Financially, he is doing well as he works in their family business and know that he makes decent money. But why?

[Zahara]

Let me mention that from the time he got divorced and moved back to his parent's house, he never seemed to have bothered to get his own place.

 

Financially, he is doing well as he works in their family business and know that he makes decent money. But why?

 

Why would he? He's a user. He utilizes people like objects.

[anika99]

Can you please help me with some advise on the ff:

 

1. As part of the rebuilding of trust - I asked him to show me his cellphone statements to prove that i should trust his words - Never showed me it.

 

2. He promised that I can see his phone anytime as part of the rebuilding the trust - When he does, he has to hold it and he himself will need to navigate it himself.

 

3. He claims he wants to work things out but i feel the intimacy level is not the same on his end anymore.

 

4. He does not want me bringing up the past whenever or answer any of my questions about it.

 

Am i being too inquisitive about those issues? And that it impedes our moving forward. Please clarify.

 

 

Again, this man has no real remorse or concept of the pain he has caused you. To him rebuilding trust means you just shut up and get over it. Crying and begging is not remorse. He cries and begs to serve himself and get what he wants. If he had remorse he wouldn't be crying and begging, he would be telling you and showing you through his actions that he 100% understands the damage he has done and then he would be willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal. He would also be asking himself what it is about himself that makes it so easy for him to betray the people the he claims to love. He would be willing to dig deep and fix his character flaws and he would be working on himself to become a better person even if you were leaving him anyway.

 

 

He has you believing that it's your fault that he cheated and on top of that, now he seems to have you believing that it's your fault that you don't trust him. He's the one that lied, cheated and betrayed but your intimacy issues are all your fault because you won't just shut up and move on. LOL..OMG! Do you not see how outrageous that is?

[anika99]

Why would he? He's a user. He utilizes people like objects.

 

Yep, never bothered to get his own career either. He sounds like someone who has never once had to be independent and responsible for his own life.

[MrsGrey]

I actually helped him and supported him for the other career he wants to become.

 

He is now has it as a once a week thing.

 

And i must say if not for me, he would probably have not made it.

[Zahara]

I actually helped him and supported him for the other career he wants to become.

 

He is now has it as a once a week thing.

 

And i must say if not for me, he would probably have not made it.

 

Another reason why he keeps coming back to you. You're supportive and caring. It's a huge benefit for him.

[MrsGrey]

His issues with me are :

 

1. We do no have a normal relationship.

- Because i do not introduce him formally to the kids. I value and protect my kids hence the reason, and knowing that his history. Or my friend. i do not have my immediate family here and I have repeatedly told him that.

 

2. And that my divorce is taking too long.

 

Are these legitimate issues?

[MrsGrey]

Can you also please let me know how i can put into words what i have to write o him.

 

I would like to write something up and send it to him to help me put a real closure to all of these.

 

Please help.

[Zahara]

His issues with me are :

 

1. We do no have a normal relationship.

- Because i do not introduce him formally to the kids. I value and protect my kids hence the reason, and knowing that his history. Or my friend. i do not have my immediate family here and I have repeatedly told him that.

 

2. And that my divorce is taking too long.

 

Are these legitimate issues?

 

There are NO legitimate issues to ever cheat on someone.

[Zahara]

Can you also please let me know how i can put into words what i have to write o him.

 

I would like to write something up and send it to him to help me put a real closure to all of these.

 

Please help.

 

There is no need to send any letter. It is over. It is done. Shut the door and move on. Block him from every form of communications. Grieve this relationship and start to heal.

 

There is nothing you can say to someone, especially someone like him that will provide you with closure. Closure comes from within -- it comes from YOUR need to move on from this.

[MrsGrey]

The last straw of argument we had was the other day.

 

And each time i will try to bring up an issue i have, he will always have a comeback issue to throw at me.

 

I have always told him that he can anytime bring up or clarify issues with me. However, i find it a defense mechanism on his end to bring it up at a time when i am the one bringing it up.

 

On our last argument, he offered to seek help and that if the Therapist says that what he has done was due to my misgivings, he will pay for the Therapy session!

 

That is really sick.

[Zahara]

On our last argument, he offered to seek help and that if the Therapist says that what he has done was due to my misgivings, he will pay for the Therapy session!

 

That is really sick.

 

He will be paying for all his therapy sessions. What a tool. He will say anything to place the blame on you.

 

There is NEVER a reason to cheat.

[MrsGrey]

I know i have made myself weak and gullible with all the words and broken promises he made.

 

We were working things out in the last couple of months because he wanted to. But as months go by, i feel that it may not be the right thing to do.

 

One things i asked him for was his cellphone statements to prove that he is trustworthy. He never gave it.

 

You're all right. Stupid of me to allow myself to be strung along and reeled back each time he will beg me and show up at my house.

 

Bad it maybe, i wish that one day he will get the bad Karma he has caused not just me but all the women that fell victim to him.

[Zahara]

And at some point he will probably bang on your door, cry, beg and do what he always does to reel you back in. It is because he knows how to manipulate you into giving in. You have to find the courage to let him go.

[anika99]

His issues with me are :

 

1. We do no have a normal relationship.

- Because i do not introduce him formally to the kids. I value and protect my kids hence the reason, and knowing that his history. Or my friend. i do not have my immediate family here and I have repeatedly told him that.

 

2. And that my divorce is taking too long.

 

Are these legitimate issues?

 

 

I just want to say kudos to you for protecting your kids and I mean that sincerely. So many times a woman in love will have all of her common sense fly right out the window including her common sense regarding her children. So I think its awesome that you have kept tis drama away from your children. Good for you.

[MrsGrey]

Thank you Anika 99 and Zahara.

 

After i read your response, i was in the verge of tearing up.

 

True that i may have always taken this guy back each time he will be disloyal to me, only because of the Hope that i believe is innate in every human being.

 

In my heart and soul, i know i have nothing but good intentions for that person. He may taken my forgiveness as a weakness. Sad.

 

I have so many questions in mind right now as I move forward with my day to day life. It will be tough and I am not going to say its not. Thank you to you all for making me feel better and as if I have a friend that i can always count on for an advice.

[Trimmer]

One thing running on my mind is... Had i really let him in to my life and kid's, would the serial cheating been avoided?

The cheating was a failure of character on his part; to blame his cheating on how you chose to manage your family's lives is another failure of character on his part.

 

But you know when you truly love the person, we tend to be blinded with a lot of things and you live with the Hope that they will change.

... and it is often only through trauma that we get the opportunity to break through that fog, to have a chance to change our perceptions, to make real change in ourselves.

 

People will show you who they are. The problem is, sometimes we fail to see it. Through his actions, he has been showing you who he is: the multiple examples of his cheating, and disgustingly: his blaming you for it.

 

He has shown you who he is. It doesn't matter if he begs and cries - you know who he is; you just need the clarity to admit it to yourself.

 

I really want to get the stuff he has of me. I feel that it will give me some closure

Please advise.

NO! "Closure" is not a thing you get from somewhere or someone. It is the process of letting go. Probably the best thing you can do for "closure" with regard to these physical things is to accept that you not desire them, that you will not get them back - to let go of them. As soon as you do that, you take away some of his power over you. Isn't that more progress toward "closure" than having a dramatic argument about getting back some irrelevant physical items, and turning them into some kind of territorial symbols?

 

Closure is not one thing, one moment, the closing of a single door - I think it's actually a silly idea that people use, to have an excuse to do things like have "one more conversation" or "see the ex one more time" or "have sex once" or whatever. Treating "closure" like an event - like a single moment in time - misses the point, and causes us to associate false symbols to it (like those physical things you wanted to get back.)

 

Don't look for a moment called closure, because there isn't going to be one, single moment when everything will be perfectly fine afterward. Look instead for the journey called "healing". You start it NOW, and you look for everything you can do, small and large, that moves you forward on that path. And quite often, the thing that will move you forward, is letting go. Let go of those objects, and there are fewer things tying you to this toxic past, and fewer ways for him to influence you and hold any power over you. Let go of the need to talk to him, to reason with him, to explain yourself to him, to have one more conversation with him, and you release yourself from the strings that tie you to what is behind, and this lets you move forward more freely. This is a process called healing, and it might happen over a long time, and it won't all be done in a moment, but you can start it NOW, and you can do things every day to move it forward.

[Zahara]

True that i may have always taken this guy back each time he will be disloyal to me, only because of the Hope that i believe is innate in every human being.

 

Understandable. If he did this once, then you hope that he will be open to change and working out the relationship with you. The thing is he is patterned to cheat and he has shown you more than once that he cannot be trusted and that he is dysfunctional. It isn't about hope anymore but moreso your denial to accept him for who he is.

 

In my heart and soul, i know i have nothing but good intentions for that person. He may taken my forgiveness as a weakness. Sad.

 

Yes, he has taken you "forgiveness" as a sign of weakness. He has taken you overlooking his cheating as a sign of tolerance.

 

I have so many questions in mind right now as I move forward with my day to day life. It will be tough and I am not going to say its not. Thank you to you all for making me feel better and as if I have a friend that i can always count on for an advice.

 

It is going to be hard. I have been cheated on as well. The pain of an ending is hard to take, then you add the pain of betrayal -- it's more than one can take. But you will get through it. Just as I did. Just as the many posters on here who have emerged on the other side, you will too. You have to give yourself a chance. Stop beating yourself up. Don't question his behavior, but yours and find your own awareness as to why you got to where you are. And know you deserve better. No one should be treated this way.

 

Ponder this. You have children. If your daughter came to you with this story, what would you tell her? Now, apply it to yourself.