Your Opnions on my Life

[HiddenLife]

I have wanted to post a thread like this for some time now, but everyone at all the other forums I go to knew me, well through the internet so I started looking for some new forums to start fresh...thank God I found these forums, I'm dying to post a summary of my life..my true life!

 

I have always had a problem with being shy. I was never one to be myself in public. I remember when I was younger my Mom used take my sisters and myself out to eat and she would stop by the library to drop off her books that she checked out for the week...she used to try to make my sisters or I go inside and return them..I used to throw the biggest fit over it..I had some type of a fear of people!

 

When I was in the 3rd grade (I believe) I remember having to take all these tests..I remember one question this lady asked me over and over again and again..it was about oceans, and stuff like that...I ended up being put in special ed classes..which I don't think I really needed to be in them. I fought every year to get out of those classes. I hated being in them...I got straight A's and all the kids in the classes used to call me perfect..the teacher even called me miss little perfect! I was made fun of by kids in the regular classes. When I was a freshman they decided to take me out of the special ed classes for math and they put me in Algebra...I did fine on my own! Then my Sophomore year they decided to let me go into all mainstream classes but I had to go to a tutor every day to do my homework and study..I never felt so dumb in my life doing that! I was treated like a child and everyone always saw me sitting in this small room studying..it was so embarassing! My junior year was the same...EMBARASSING! Then my Senior year they told me I didn't need to be in that program..but they were going to keep it available to me just in case I needed it..well the tutor that year told me she wanted me to come down every Monday..or atleast one time a week..I did for a while and then I said screw it..I'm doing fine on my own..they never helped me with anything..so I stopped going and I got all good grades!

 

I have developed a lot of fears and I blame it on my childhood. I'm 19 years old and I feel like I'm living in the life of a 10 year old..except for the fact that I have a full-time job that pays good...almost 11.50/hr, and I also have a part-time job which is basically my only form of life...I love my part-time job...I love my co-workers..but my other job on the other hand I hate..my co-workers treat me like **** and sit in their cubicals talking about me...anyways back to my fears. When I was 15 I was walking down the road..I remember looking at these pinetrees..I remember seeing a big line of fresh tar sitting on the road (why I remember this..I do not know) I remember thinking hwo good it felt to be safe..how much of a trustworhty neighboorhood I lived in..then all the sudden a guy driving a gray ford tempo drove up to me and said "how much would it cost to f uck you..I remember just standing their thinking "omg what do I do" and I pretended like I didn't hear him and I innocently said "what?" then he started talking about how sexy my thighs were and I remember standing by this ugly blue car and the guy said "I'd love to get out of my car right now and slam you up against that car and **** you...another car was comming up the road so he drove off...I started running home..I swear an Angel was inside my body making me run faster than anything...the guy came back and started to try to run me off the road into this ditch..something just kept making me run..I fianlly got home and told my Dad what happened and he called the cops..the cops said they couldn't do anything about it.

 

Well a couple months passed and I received this letter at school that said that a few people in our township that their is a predator out their driving a gray car..and so on..I remember looking at these people in my homeroom saying that it happened to me..that was the first time I really ever spoke about something not relating to school to people I don't know..

 

So I went home and told my parents..at first they didn't do anything but then Saturday of that week I told them I knew what the car was and what the guy looked like..oh and I forgot he had a little kid with him repeating what he was saying!!! Anyways, my Dad called the cops and the cops came out ot my house..I explained what happened and I was so damn nervous..when they asked me what the guy looked like I froze up..they started drawing a sketch on the computer..I completely made up what he looked like...to what I thought he looked like at the time.

 

Anyways, the cops still didn't do crap about my situation. I haven't walked outside without the supervision of my parents...I don't have my drivers license..and nobody understands why..honestly it is because I'm scared of being alone by myself.

 

Now lets get to the juicy stuff...for a few years now I get in these moods where I start thinking about life...I start thinking that someday none of us are going to be here...I start thinking whats the point in us being here. Don't get me wrong I believen God and everything but whats the purpose of us going through the things we go through and someday it won't matter anyways? So anyways, when I get really upset..I mean really upset..not just like an occasional bummer..(lol) I take some staples...and I cut my wrists..one time I took it a little far and I cut my chest and neck along with that..I'm honestly not doing it to kill myself..I want someone to see it..I want someone to ask me what happened..I'm being someone I don't want to be..I'm being an attention seeker...I admit it...I don't want to be like that..why am I? I don't understand it!

 

I want to stop being so shy..I want to be able to go out without being scared...I want to have a life

 

How do I do this? I'm so lost..

 

BTW what does everyone think about my life..don't hold back..tell me if you think I'm a worthless selfish little b_itch...I need to know so I can change...how can I change the way I am?

[Craig]

I don't see you as being a worthless selfish little b_itch at all.

 

You are shy and experience fear in some situations. This isn't the end of the road and a great many people are in the same situation. There is something that you can do about it. I'd suggest seeing your doctor and telling her what you are and have been going through. If you think you would be too shy or something to express everything that is important to you then write it out for your doc.

 

I'm not a doctor and don't play one on TV but you might find some answers and ideas by looking up anxiety disorders on the net. I'm not saying this is what you have but reading about anxiety may give you some more answers, lead you in different directions and quite possibly give you some beginning strategies for dealing with the challenges you face.

 

Best of luck to you.

[segmentedmyself]

you yourself are a miracle.

 

what you don't know. what has not been explained to you is that you have experienced a trauma and sometimes phase in to shock.

 

you are medicating an incredible amount of pain and you cannot help yourself alone.

 

you have to approach someone you trust. who you know will help you. you have to tell them about the cutting. about what is going on.

 

you are worth saving. the pain is not your fault. it is time for you to start being happy.

 

you do not deserve to feel the way you do.

 

i urge you to get help now. it is important that you talk to someone immediately.