We are BOTH the other man/other woman!

[thaikickboxgirl]

Oh how I wish I were just trolling the forum making up dramatic stories to complain about!

 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read about my problem and to give me advice. I know that you all are thinking about my kids first. I really do feel that its a question of whether its the chicken or the egg. Yes, I did spend five years in marital counseling and each therapist/psychologist told me to divorce. I have asked hubby countless times to come to therapy with me but he doesn't want to be told what to do so he wouldn't go. After a while I quit trying.

 

From years 3-14 hubby was living his own life. He wasn't coming home visibly drunk in front of the kids, but emotionally he wasn't there. In the last year he decreased his drinking down to a few beers after work with the guys. He has become more present with the kids and we cohabitated fine. Kids seemed happy and well settled, he and I were great friends. Still, he wouldn't work on anything such as his intimacy with me. Yes, after cheating on him I deserve to never be kissed again. But I was trying to get closer to him. I have asked him to stop smoking for his sake and for the sake of our intimacy. After all he chose to stay with me. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells because his moods were constantly changing. I made a friend (tom) and two months later it turned physical.

 

Now I'm at the turning point where I need to figure out whether this marriage can be saved or not. As long as we don't bring certain topics up everything is fine at home. Well, on the surface anyways.

 

I know I need to let Tom go. Interesting enough my good friend is a "relationship" psychologist and he thinks that Tom's good for me right now. He says that because he desperately thinks I need to leave my husband. So that tells you something.

 

All I can do is take it one day at a time. Today I will ignore Tom's messages and calls. I'll feel like I'm going to go into withdrawls but that's what I need to do.

[lovinDKT3]

You continue to point out your husbands faults and saying how hard you worked to make the marriage better. You've had 5 affairs in a 15 year marriage, hon that isn't trying to make your marriage better.

 

During my affair I said the same things, but really I didn't. Saying or convincing myself that I had tried, eased my guilt. Making my husband the bad guy (and he really had some faults) made me feel like less of a horrible person. Your not being honest here, its pretty clear.

 

Getting Tom out of your life isn't that hard if its what you want. You don't want to, you know you should but your not ready.

 

The bottomline here is the state of your marriage is on you as much as your husband. If you expect him to fix himself and that will make everything better your wrong, selfish and wrong. Your the one that's had 5 affairs, he is smoking.