He ended it, had a one nighter, now wants me back...

[PuddingAndPie]

Hi all, first time poster here, hopefully you can help me get my thoughts in order! They're so jumbled right now and I'm such an over thinker anyway which doesn't help.

 

I'd been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I love him very much, I've had previous relationships but he is the first man I've ever seen myself with long term (We are 25).

 

He recently took on a voluntary role which involves him doing a hell of a lot of work alongside his full time job, he barely had any time for me in the last couple of months of the relationship and obviously I would push to see him and he would say he couldn't, he had to do this that and the other. We live about a 40 minute drive from eachother.

 

Anyhow, in the end he said we should split up as he couldn't commit to me right now. He knew that I was willing to get through his busy next 8-10 months or so so long as he could assure me that after that he would prioritize me, he knew I wanted us to aim to live together next year and would always be very non-committal about anything long term in the relationship.

 

We split up and were non contact for about a month to 6 weeks.

 

He comes round to see me quite unexpectedly at the weekend and says that one of the reasons he ended it was that he thought he had been missing out on the single life. His brother is a womanizer which he has never been, and he thought he would enjoy being free and single without any extra commitments during his busy year, something he's never really experienced as he's not that great at chatting up women and has always concentrated on other stuff.

 

He had a one night stand a week ago with someone he met drunk at a party. He says this was his wake up call...That he realized the 'single, womanizer' life isn't him and he that he wants to grow up and commit to me fully. He says he realised then how much he had taken me for granted, because it was obviously awkward with this girl. He knows the girl only slightly from other parties and will bump into her occasionally during the year as we all move in the same circles. I admit I am a jealous person, I hate knowing he's been with anyone else but me..ever!! But surely the important thing is that I will be his last, not his first? And the fact that he has tried it and now knows he doesn't like it..

 

I admit, it upsets me he slept with someone else. I hate the thought of it. But, I don't see it as cheating. He is just so rubbish at expressing his emotions and I think he genuinely just did not know what he wanted.

 

He's said he wants to try again, start a-fresh and go as slow as I want and that he'll make amends, treat me brilliantly, that he knows now that he wants me for life. He was saying he wants to live with me, marry me, have kids with me... I could barely get him to say I love you before without him freaking out at the commitment or stammering and getting flustered at having to express himself, so I do believe he means it.

 

I just want to know some other people's opinions. He truly is a nice guy at heart- he is as far removed from a player as you can get really and I think that's where it all stemmed from, the old fear of missing out.. But he did break my heart when he ended it, can that be mended??

 

Thanks so much for reading.

A x

Edited November 18, 2014 by PuddingAndPie

[idoltree]

I'm like you. I would have trouble with this scenario since it wasn't my choice to end things.

 

In order to put my mind at ease, I'd want to know more about these things:

 

1. Did he break up with you for this girl, knowing that she was an option for him, or hoping that she was? Did they communicate before the breakup? He lives 40 minutes from you, does she live near him? If so, perhaps he wanted a local option? You say he met her that night and slept with her, but that she runs in the same circles so you may run into her. That makes it seem like it's possible he has communicated with her prior to the night he slept with her. Ask him more details and make sure they line up. If something seems off, it's probably because you're not getting the whole story.
   
2. How did it end with the other girl? What if he wanted to pursue something and she wasn't interested, so he's back to you? Has he ruled this out and does his story make sense?
   
3. I'd want more detail (and demonstrated consistency) regarding whether he doesn't want to be alone/single, or if he wants to be with you. There's a difference. So far his words are targeted toward the latter, but will he be consistent about that over time? Does he realize that being with you means that sometimes he has to go out of his way to meet your needs, just as you did for him?
   
4. What has changed with him? Does he have strategies to prevent the same dynamic that broke you up beforehand? If he broke up with you because of anxiety, what has he done to mitigate it and keep it under control in the future?
   

Overall, I would not jump back into things with him quickly. He needs to demonstrate his commitment by showing you consistency for you to be able to trust him that things would be different. If his heart is in the right place, he should be okay with this. If he just doesn't want to be single, you should be able to tell by how much effort/inconvenience he's willing to tolerate to do the work to set your mind at ease about whether you can trust him not to do the same thing again.

Edited November 18, 2014 by idoltree
Thought of more questions I'd have in your shoes

[MrWhite]

I think you are spot on.

He thought he was missing out at age 25 and did not want to commit.

He has now figured out he made a mistake and genuinely wants another try.

 

 

If you are fine with him being with another woman and can get over it, then I think you have a very good chance with him.

[Comstock]

From a guys point of view...

 

My Ex and I broke up for similar reasons.. I just didn't see myself settling down at 27. It's now been about a month broken up and I'm having the same feelings he's having. I would recommend to hear him out but be cautious.

 

I miss my Ex like crazy right now, but I'm worried that if we were to get back together would my same unease about "settling down" pop up again once we got back into a routine. Do you think that will happen to him?

 

There's no way of knowing for sure if the issue will pop up again, but be careful that it is a possibility. I would say maybe go back into it very slowly if you feel he's worth it. Or even just give yourself more space and see if he still truly feels that way in a month or 2 or more..... He could be having a reaction that being single sucks and is lonely.

 

I'd also like to hear what others have for advice.

[chados]

my opinion is that 8 months isnt a long time at all. woman tend to get more attached in the beginning while men get more attached in the longer run.

 

 

personally i know that yes its an awesome feeling at first when you start dating. but it fades quickly sometimes and then it comes back after maybe a year.

 

honeymoonphase - honeymoon fades- you start to know the person better and the feelings starts to get real now. they become a really good friend too.