Did she cheat?

[sammason92]

Hi,

 

I have nearly made my mind up about this situation but wanted to get it out my head and ask for your opinion.

 

Recently, I told my gf of 9 months that a girl had tried to kiss me and I had said no and walked off. I asked her if this had happened to her. She said yes, I asked what happened and she said she gave him her number.

 

I pushed and pushed and she said she had been out at a friend’s birthday drinks 2 months ago and a guy had tried to kiss her, she pushed him off and said she had a bf, she was so drunk that she continued to talk to him and that at some point they were outside waiting for other people and he grabbed her and said “give me a kiss”. She was so scared he would try to kiss her again so she said, “if I give you my number will you leave me alone”? She gave him her genuine number, he text her the next day and she deleted the text. Her friend told her 2 weeks later, that the guy liked her but she said no she has a bf. She couldn’t remember his name and he was disgusting.

 

I have always had a problem with not being able to leave a subject. So I digged and digged (which wasn’t right and upset her). Eventually over a week it came out in this order. Firstly, she does know his name and had withheld it from me so as not to upset me. Secondly, she found him attractive and that she was flattered. They did in fact leave at some point and went to get fast food but had come back as it was busy, everyone had jumped in a taxi and that was when it happened. We both agree that her friend had tried to set them up. Her friend knew we were together for 6 months at that point but had not met me. To add- she had a party a few weeks later and introduced me to this girl.

 

I however still wasn’t satisfied and kept on digging as the story didn’t add up. She said that night she went home and cried as she knew she had wronged me by doing that but honestly thought that giving him her number would in fact stop him trying to kiss her again. Why would you cry and be distraught about that?

 

2 days ago I was round hers and we were looking at old photos on her phone and I noticed a photo of that night was on there, it wasn’t of anything in particular but I said- what else is on here? Please just tell me. She said go ahead and look. So I looked at her messages and nothing was on there. Then I looked at a message app she has that duplicates every text you have. The text was still there. She grabbed it and swore she didn’t know. She gave it back and the message was basically him saying nice to meet you (using a pet name), great night, great laughs and chat. I’m around this afternoon if you want to meet for a coffee. How did she miss it over 2 months? But why would she keep it over this week knowing how nosey I was being? I put on my coat and tried to leave but she was crying and begging me not to go. I felt so bad so I stayed. She did show me a text the next day to her friend who wasn’t there where she says about how a guy had tried to kiss her but she said she had a bf.

 

I stupidly have asked her to message him and ask him what happened. The message she sent sounds rather weighted: nothing happened did it? (that sort of thing). We are waiting for a response. However, she says that I should prepare for the worst. She says she knows nothing happened but that it may have and simply she can’t remember. She admits now she has a drinking problem, she passes out drunk whilst out and doesn’t remember anything. It has happened 5 times this year already. We are going to the doctors to discuss this.

 

I know I shouldn’t have gone through the phone nor asked her to contact him but I know in my heart that the story just doesn’t add up.

 

If nothing happened then it would be awful to walk away from the woman that I love but part of me feels like I am being too gullible. I just want this nightmare to end.

 

What hurts me if she withheld it from me, that she has lied consistently over a week and that her reasoning for it was that I was distant at that time and the relationship wasn’t going great. However, I had family issues that I simply couldn’t ignore, I was still in contact with her and seeing her as much as normal, I was however a bit quieter I imagine and I was so worried about my family member.

 

Any advice would be great.

[Trep]

The part that concerns me is that she was adamant nothing happened one second, but then once you send the text she tells you to "prepare for the worst" because she can't remember. Seems very fishy to me.

 

How will you know if he's texted back or not? what's to stop her from deleting it before you see it if there's anything incriminating?

[PegNosePete]

She says she knows nothing happened but that it may have and simply she can’t remember.

Huh??? She knows nothing happened but it may have? That makes no sense. She either knows or she doesn't. And then "prepare for the worst" indicates that she knows exactly what happened and it is not good.

 

This kind of contradiction indicates only one thing - she is lying. She knows exactly what happened and it is not something she wants to share with you. Even if this guy says nothing happened, how will you know that she hasn't prompted him to say that?

 

She is a liar, a drunk and a cheater. After just 9 months she is behaving like this. Dump her and move on.

[lolablue17]

Trickle truth is the worst. You had to dig 4 stages to get every time a little more, to find out what you know right now, and maybe there's more.

 

Does it matter what really happened? I can forgive a drunk kiss... but the trickle truth? you will never know the truth because her word worth nothing.

 

What does she mean "prepare for the worst"? she may has slept with him? she doesn't know if she slept with him or not?

 

It's her nature... to cover up things... and i think nature is something that stays for ever.

Edited November 18, 2014 by lolablue17

[Clay]

She sounds like the best. If you don't see the writing on the wall by now then you should put a ring on her finger.

 

The moment she said I should prepare for the worst I would have walked away. Imagine just how much time people waste on complete loosers.

 

You can't expect people to measure of to your morals but you can identify those people and keep them far away from you.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. You're getting trickle truth. Discovering bits and pieces at a time which is the worst. The BIG problem I see is her telling you to "prepare for the worst" But them go back to tell you she doesn't remember anything. That she has a drinking problem....blah...blah...deflection...blah...blah...

 

 

Dude, she cheated on you. SHe went from getting kissed and giving him her number to leave her alone and she found him disguising. Then, you discover that she found him attractive, left to get food with him. Exchanging texts, you see a text trying to set up a coffee date. To now preparing you for the worst to be discovered; yet, she doesn't remember. SO, why should you prepare for the worst if she doesn't remember anything?

 

 

Dude, you're getting played.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I would say something did indeed happen and it's not good. She knows this. She never would have insisted she doesn't remember but then "prepare" for the worst if she wasn't already trying to cover her ass. I agree that you should prepare for the worst, though - you are likely going to find out a lot more happened than she hinted at. She's backpedaled and changed her story an awful lot and it's because she's hiding the truth.

 

But how will you even know when she receives a reply? I imagine she'll just delete it and claim he never responded. I think the trust here is pretty broken.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think she cheated but she wasn't forthright with you either.

 

If after your "confession" she told you the whole story: Some guy she thought was cute tried to kiss her; she pushed him away; she was drunk; he tried again; she bribed him with her phone # to make him stop trying to kiss her but they had fast food together, it would have been less painful & more honest.

 

However, every girl in the world knows how to give a fake #. It's 2nd nature & actually easier when drink for most of us. Why she didn't do that is a mystery.

 

The fact that while trying to blow him off she ends up eating with him, shows that she is easily led into temptation.

[drifter777]

Of course she cheated on you that night. She basically admitted it when she told you to "prepare for the worst". Then she gave herself an excuse with the blackout story. I wouldn't believe a word that came out of her mouth and dump her right freaking now.

[Coe]

I've been blackout drunk twice in my life where to this day I don't remember a thing. But both times I was in no fit state to kiss or be kissed and tbh I should have probably gone to hospital. If she says she was blackout drunk but still went to get fast food and was able to remember her own phone number she is lying.

[smackie9]

Why are you asking what others think? What is important here is what YOU think. If you don't like what happened, and feel you can't trust her, just breakup with her, simple as that.

[Trep]

That's not necessarily true. When I'm blackout drunk, as in I don't remember anything at all, I'm still fairly coordinated. You can tell I'm drunk but not completely smashed. Everyone handles alcohol differently.

 

Just to clarify though, I agree with you 100% that I think she is lying and cheated.

[sammason92]

Just to give you an update. We broke up over this. She admitted she found the guy attractive and that she wanted to see if she could still attract other men.

 

What bothered me the most was the text message. Was I overanalysing it, or does the text sound like something happened?

 

Hey "Pet Name"

Great night last night, great laughs, great chat. I'm around this afternoon if you want to grab a coffee.

 

Also, the fact her friend tried to set them up a few weeks after doesnt suggest to me like they did in fact leave on bad terms.

 

It is a shame as I really did love her but I couldnt get passed it. The amount of times she has gone and got drunk where she can't remember anything makes me believe this wasnt the only time.

 

However, I could be wrong and have just made the worst mistake of my life.

[d0nnivain]

Letting go of this relationship was not a mistake.

 

The worst mistake of your life would have been ignoring the red flags, marrying her & having kids with her. That would have screwed of many lives.

 

Hang in there are sober more forthright girl is out there.

[aliveagain]

Listen to your gut, 9 months in and her girlfriends are conspiring to set her up doesn't sound like they had much faith in your relationship. they probably new something you didn't know. A faithful girlfriend just never gives her phone number to a predator she meets in a bar unless she expects something to come of it.

[PegNosePete]

Just to give you an update. We broke up over this. She admitted she found the guy attractive and that she wanted to see if she could still attract other men.

So her selective memory seems to be getting even more selective now.

 

She doesn't remember a thing but she remembers that she found him attractive and wanted to see if she can still attract others?

 

As donnie said. You did not make a mistake at all. In fact you dodged a massive bullet here. She is a liar and a cheat, you should be glad to be rid of her.

[sammason92]

Out of interest.

 

What do you guys make of the text? Am I reading too much into it by assuming that 'I'm around this afternoon' implies that it was discussed before hand.

 

Also, why would she cry afterwards for putting herself in a dangerous position? Would the tears more imply that she just let something happen and realised she messed up?

[lolablue17]

You can't get more truth from the text and the from her crying. both say nothing. You ignore the real issue which is the lies she fed you over and over again and her words "prepare for the worst".

[PegNosePete]

Look you need to stop over-analysing this. She is a liar and a cheat and you're spending way too much time trying to figure out what each bit of her contact means. How can you possibly do that when half of what she says is lies? Which bits do you trust and which don't you trust? It's impossible to say.

 

You just need to MOVE ON - and be glad you didn't get married or have kids!!

[sammason92]

I do agree. But part of me will always wonder whether or not I made a mistake. She was a loving, caring girl. She seemed genuine when she said she tried to hide the truth from me in order to spare me the hurt.

 

But then as my friends say- if she didnt do anything, how could I have been hurt?

 

Aliveagain- I think you make a very good point, one that keeps me going. I believe I am most hurt by the fact that I walked away from a girl I believed to be genuinly in love with me. In reality, I would assume that she had her doubts and confided in her friends. Why else would they try and set them up if she was so happy?

 

This is my first real relationship, and I am already 27. I highly doubt I will find someone who is as intelligent, sweet and cute as her. You woundnt believe what she does as a job. I was so proud to call her my girlfriend. But I made my decision based on her previous experiance. She had a large history of one night stands whilst drunk before she met me, all unprotected. The fact that this year alone she has been black out drunk 5 times would suggest that the behaviour hasnt changed. Maybe nothing happened, but I could see it happening in the future with added pressure of her work and potential marriage, kids etc.

 

It has been a month now and I still think of her 24/7, I can't eat or sleep thinking whether I made the right choice. However, I know I have to be strong and realise that with my experiance in relationships I need someone who doesnt have the sort of baggae she has, nor the lack of trust.

[HereNorThere]

Oh, she's most certainly trickle truthing you. Take your emotional bond with this woman and put it on a shelf for a minute. Think about this objectively. Does anyone have this sort of selective memory? Would she believe you if you said "I don't remember, but prepare for the worst." I know you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know you want to go back to the security and trust you had in your relationship previously, but I'm afraid those things are gone.

 

Would you accept these kind of answers from your friends or family? Would they accept these kind of answers from you? Every logical neuron in that brain of yours is telling that it's complete garbage. She should be ashamed of herself for thinking you're stupid. She wasn't trying to protect you from the truth, she was trying to protect herself from it.

 

You did the right thing. Even if she decided to grow up one day and tell you the truth, it will only be because you stood your ground and didn't let her walk all over you. The second you accept this sort of behavior, she'll lose respect for you and there will NEVER be a chance at a relationship.

[HereNorThere]

I I highly doubt I will find someone who is as intelligent, sweet and cute as her.

 

 

Dude, that's just your depression talking. Lol, she isn't sweet. I PROMISE you, if you found her, you'll find another her, only better. This next time around you can take what you've learned from this relationship and forge better, healthier relationships with higher quality people. You need to take her off that pedestal because she wasn't that great. She treated you like crap, cheated, lied, etc. Don't be blinded by her physical appearance, that's just a chemical trick your brain does to keep you reproducing.

 

I had a bad break-up with a girl like that once when I was close to your age. Very, very similar circumstances. Long story short, I lost about a year of my life to the depression, finally ended up seeing a counselor, and the next 5 years of my life were probably the best ones I ever had. I learned so much about myself, dating, how to be a better sexual partner, etc, etc, etc. Funny, what I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me, ironically ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.

 

Maybe it's time you looked into to talking to a professional. A good therapist is like a massage for the soul and honestly, it saved my life. Not because I was going to die, but because I was living such a horrible life it was hardly worth living.

[Chi townD]

 

 

I believe I am most hurt by the fact that I walked away from a girl I believed to be genuinly in love with me.

 

 

 

 

Uh....dude? Hate to burst your bubble on this one. But, you wrote that she said to you that she found this other guy attractive and wants to go see if she's still attractive to OTHER men. How is that showing you that she's in love with you? I guess, in a way, she has a lot of love and plans on showing that love......just not to you. Harsh, I know. But, I NEED you to open your eyes!!!

 

 

You state that you still think about her 24/7. That sounds like a guy that has WAY TOO MUCH time on his hands. I want you to tell me your plans for the weekend.

[NateGrey]

I don't know why you said it's not right for you to not dig. Especially when you were forthcoming about another girl kissing you, but you had to actually ask her about if she had ever done something similar? No, you had every right to dig.

 

Just to give you an update. We broke up over this. She admitted she found the guy attractive and that she wanted to see if she could still attract other men.

 

So she definitely cheated on you then, that is 100% sure now.

 

It is a shame as I really did love her but I couldnt get passed it. The amount of times she has gone and got drunk where she can't remember anything makes me believe this wasnt the only time.

 

Ignoring everything else, you knew she's gone out more then once while you were together and gotten so drunk she can't remember anything. Sorry, that is grounds for you dumping her. I could see if it happened one time, but if it happens more then one time that is a pattern, why do you want a girl who does that?

 

However, I could be wrong and have just made the worst mistake of my life.

 

The worst mistake of your life was dating this girl in the first place. Dumping her is one of the best choices in your life.

[NateGrey]

Also, why would she cry afterwards for putting herself in a dangerous position? Would the tears more imply that she just let something happen and realised she messed up?

 

She cried because she wanted to manipulate you into thinking she cared about you. This girl gave a guy her real phone number just so he would "leave her alone"? Nope, she would of made up a number if that was the case. If a guy intends to leave you alone he won't ask for your damn number.

 

I do agree. But part of me will always wonder whether or not I made a mistake. She was a loving, caring girl. She seemed genuine when she said she tried to hide the truth from me in order to spare me the hurt.

 

Loving caring girls don't cheat. A person saying they lied to you about their betrayal just to spare your feelings can't be genuine. That is a fallacy, any genuine person would know "lying about betrayal to spare feelings" is a terrible and selfish thing to do.

 

But of course she sounded genuine: she was trying to manipulate you into staying with her. Let me ask you..if you got it in your head you wanted to manipulate a girl, wouldn't you act genuine to her?

 

But then as my friends say- if she didnt do anything, how could I have been hurt?

 

She doesn't have to necessarily do anything to hurt you. Not doing something can be just as bad.

 

Aliveagain- I think you make a very good point, one that keeps me going. I believe I am most hurt by the fact that I walked away from a girl I believed to be genuinly in love with me. In reality, I would assume that she had her doubts and confided in her friends. Why else would they try and set them up if she was so happy?

 

Well take solace in the fact this girl has terrible friends. Non-terrible friends do not try to set you up with other guys when you have a bf, no matter how unhappy you are. Non-terrible friends would merely of told her to break up with you. Judge people by the company they keep, her friends tell you all you need to know about her.

 

I highly doubt I will find someone who is as intelligent, sweet and cute as her.

 

You could find all this in a blow up doll.

 

You woundnt believe what she does as a job. I was so proud to call her my girlfriend.

 

Priorities man, don't be proud she is your girl merely because she has a cool job.

 

But I made my decision based on her previous experiance. She had a large history of one night stands whilst drunk before she met me, all unprotected.

 

I'm sorry but eww, be glad she cheated on you, otherwise you might of stupidly wound up staying with her.

 

The fact that this year alone she has been black out drunk 5 times would suggest that the behaviour hasnt changed. Maybe nothing happened, but I could see it happening in the future with added pressure of her work and potential marriage, kids etc.

 

I still ask why you didn't immediately end the relationship the 2nd time she got black out drunk while in a relationship with you.

 

It has been a month now and I still think of her 24/7, I can't eat or sleep thinking whether I made the right choice. However, I know I have to be strong and realise that with my experiance in relationships I need someone who doesnt have the sort of baggae she has, nor the lack of trust.

 

It's not just about her baggage of having no real self respect via a bunch of drunken unprotected one night stands..it's about her having no respect for herself or for her boyfriend.

Edited December 12, 2014 by NateGrey