eirek Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 First off I wanted to say hi to everyone and say thanks for all of your great posts. I am a 20 year old male living alone in texas(without my family I mean). I moved down here to be with my family and to be with my now, fiance Robin, and now the family has moved away and I'm here my Robin by myself. Ever since I was around 13-15ish I have looked at porn. I grew up knowing that I wasn't supposed to and I am a good person, I don't believe in Smoking, Drinking, doing Drugs, or Sex before marriage. My problem is that I can't stop looking at it. I have tried multiple times to stop and every time, I go back...sometimes it takes a week or even a month or two but I always do. I love Robin SOO much. I sold my aftermarket car parts for gas money so that i could see her, and stayed here alone so that i could be with her and marry her. I dearly want to stop this addiction to porn. She has made comments in the past about how if I ever did porn that would kill her and I will tell her but I really want to get a good strong head for myself before I go and tell her...mostly for the reason that i dont want to start again after I tell her, that would just be bad. Does anyone have suggestions as to what I can do? As much as I love porn, it has never affected our relationship, and I am always attracted to her and would spend 24 hours a day with her if I could. But as much as it doesn't hurt us *yet* I just don't want it in our life as it might affect us later and because of her wish that she doesn't want me doing it and of course since I *really* dont want to do it. Thank you so much in advance for your help, Matt Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 I think you should choose between two religions: the one that tells you that porn is evil and the one that has created you, your body, mind, and soul, Robin and all the things that are part of you and the whole world. That's Nature! We need sex just like we need food or air. Making someone feel guilty for having sexual desire, thoughts, and fantasies would be like feeling guilty for being hungry or thirsty or breathing air. Sex is not only love. It's the only way that people and animals use to reproduce. Our sexuality includes many segments of our personality and gives it a shape. Mother Nature decided that we will be horny every day and feel amazing while having sex. Mother Nature said we will get very much aroused when we see other naked bodies joined together in a passionate act called sex. We need to see, learn, and feel things with our eyes before we feel them with all our senses. There is nothing more natural than loving anything erotic. Billions of people watch porn every day (porn sites are the most searched and viewed of all subjects). Billions of people of all ages, profiles, and faiths think about sex every day. Watching porn doesn't harm anyone. Explain that to Robin some day and show her that you can watch it together. She will like it. Women like porn too. You will be pleasing her while she's watching the movie and she will like it. By the way, when you start making love to Robin, you won't think about porn anymore. Perhaps just occasionally. Having sex regularly is the ONLY way to stop watching porn! We are all the same in our sexuality; only the way we accept ourselves as sexual creatures differs. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 Explain that to Robin some day and show her that you can watch it together That may blow up in his face. If you haven't read the roughly 78665433265478 threads we've had on porn, do so. You'll find that there is a segment of womankind that is determined to believe that men looking at porn = men being 'unfaithful' and nothing will change their minds. If his gal is one of those, he's hooped. Looking at porn when you haven't got an outlet to have sex is not being 'addicted'. Addiction means you neglect other aspects of your life, including your sex life with your partner. You will have to discuss this situation and try to reach some sort of compromise. If she's one of those women for whom porn is an absolute deal-breaker, you'll have a bad time of it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eirek Posted March 17, 2005 Author Share Posted March 17, 2005 So what you are basically saying is that since I'm not married, and don't want to have sex yet, that porn isn't an addiction and just my way of releasing. I pretty much understood that already. As to robin wanting to watch it and let me enjoy it once in awhile even if it was only with her? I'd have to say that would be a big no way. Robin is great, the best! But we have both been raised with the same standards(even if I didn't follow them) that porn is a bad thing that will destroy relationships and to not do it. I know that she doesn't even like me masturbating, but she tells me to do it now just so that I have some way to release a little bit. Thanks for all your help and I'll try to see if there is something I can do about it. If you have any other suggestions feel free to let me know. Thank you! Matt Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 You have stated that you have tried to stop many times. Which says to me it obviously bothers you and you have reconized it as to be a problem. Even though you are not married yet, one day if you do get married it could become a bigger problem or issue especially if you want to stop or your s/o does care for it. Heres a link if you would like to check it. Feel free to do so if you feel you have a problem or want to stop. http://www.secretaddictions.com Jade Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 Sorry meant to say if your s/o DOESN'T care for it..my bad Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 You need to decide if you are going to make your OWN decisions in life or follow the teachings of others that have created on what you think is good and bad. It's ok to view porn, that in itself is not a threat. Porn is not evil as others out there have made you feel. By their teachings all this has done is confuse you and make you feel ashamed and disappointed that you look at porn. These people who taught you were also taught by their peers when they were younger. Forget what everyone has told you. Your clergy, your parents, your friends, your gf/fiance. You are an adult and can make rational, well educated choices on your own. My main concern for you is that you have a job and fiancial stability before getting married, since you said what you had to do just to get gas money. Too much of anything can be bad, however done without excess porn just like alot of other things can improve your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eirek Posted March 17, 2005 Author Share Posted March 17, 2005 What I meant by the money thing for gas was when I first moved up here. I am a Loan Officer and do Real Estate Investing on the side so money isn't a problem anymore. I can make my own choices and will continue to do so. But in a relationship there are 2 parties involved and I will always listen to her side and try to accomadate her views into mine as long as they don't hurt my feelings or my beliefs. I honestly don't think that viewing porn once in awhile will hurt our relationship. It has never hurt any of my past relationships and hasn't hurt ours yet. I always think of women as the most beautiful thing in the world and I love my fiance to death. But is having the ability to release stress and look at other girls worth the risk of hurting our relationship? Example is how some couples find it ok to do stuff with the opposite sex. Is that bad? No it's not, but in the same case, is it a good idea? Sometimes we do stuff not for the sake that it's bad, but to stop something from happening in the future. If this happens to make me a little more grouchy because I'm always horny and can't release then I think thats what has to happen. There is no reason to do something like this when I have a beautiful and loving fiance. Does anyone have any other suggestions as to what to do? Does anything work better than others? I work from home on the computer all day and so obviously I can't just stop using the computer. Thanks! Matt Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 You stated in your first post that you had tried multiple times to stop. Then in this last post you said you didn't think viewing it will hurt your relationship. Basically its up to you, you either accept that you feel it wont hurt once in awhile, or you stop looking at it if you're bothered by it. I think if its once in a while then fine but if its alot and you don't like it or feel its wrong then either stop or get some help for it. Not saying you have an addiction nessicarily, but I think it depends on the frequency. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author eirek Posted March 17, 2005 Author Share Posted March 17, 2005 I personally don't think it will hurt our relationship from my standpoint. I will not change loving her because of looking at this stuff; obviously it might hurt her from her standpoint though. And I do think it's wrong. What I wanted to know was what anyone did to stop. I've read a lot of stuff on this forum about guys quitting, and women wanting their guys to quit and want to know if they succeeded and what they did. Stopping is not easy. I have never had a problem with drinking, smoking, doing drugs or even having a thought about cheating ever...but I do have a problem with porn. Everyone has flaws and that’s one of mine. Has anything worked for your bf's, husbands, friends or yourself if you used to have that problem? Matt P.S. This post isn't about whether it's right or wrong, appropriate or not....just asking for advice on quiting. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 I have known people with a porn problem and that is why theres a link for you to click if you wish in one of the posts I made above. Once again, if you feel you have a problem and want to stop then maybe refer to that link as to how to get some help with it. If you don't feel you have a problem then don't. I noticed one minute you state you feel its ok to view sometimes (which is fine if thats what you want to do) but then you turn around and say you have a problem. Like I said feel free to click the link I posted in one of my replys to your post. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 How can you possibly stop being horny when you're 20 (your body produces more spermatozoids than blood cells) and you're not getting any?!?! If your girlfriend wanted you to stop eating would you do it for her? There is one thing you should learn about us women - we are never satisfied and whatever you do is never enough. Well maybe in the first year and before marriage, but later it's really hard to please us. All those women who hate that their husbands watch porn are simply not happy with the marriage. And while their cheating is platonic (they would like a man to treat them just like John treats their friend Maggie or just like George Clooney treats his partner in his last movie), men watch porn. What bothers women in all that is that their dudes turned into duds after a few years from the day they got married. They also hate to see the gorgeous bodies of the porn actresses, because they gained 60 lbs in the last 6 years and believe that men should not be so shallow and like thin blonds. What a man does with his penis and mind is nobody's business unless he cheats on his wife. Thank god people can't see what's inside of our minds, but thank god some things stay only in our minds. I don't know if my boyfriend watches porn and I don't care. I don't know whether he thinks of me while masturbating or he watches porn or thinks about me and five more girls in bed. I don't ask him and I don't care. All I know and need to know is that he loves me very much. Even asking him about what he does with his penis when I am not around would be attacking his integrity. Our minds and bodies are private, not public things. And watching porn is the most natural thing in the world. It doesn't mean you're unfaithful. Some woman in this forum wrote that she complained to her therapist that her husband was watching porn and he told her that it was normal and okay. Denying your sexual thoughts is like denying your whole being. You can either accept yourself the way you are (and we all are) or feel guilty for the rest of your life. Sure, you can stop watching porn, but you can't stop being horny so you will always feel this ridiculous guilt. There is only one way for you to stop being interested in porn forever... Link to post Share on other sites
Jeffrey Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 You have a good relationship with your girl and you like porn. What's the problem? Are you up for a puritan award or something? Again: Good relationship, but you like porn. What's the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 If he wants to quit, why shouldn't he. He feels it will disturb his fiance so he wants to quit, what's wrong with that. Eirek, I don't have any tips for quitting, but since you want to, I think you should. I think that any tips for helping with any addiction will help you here. Just because you are a 20 year old male, doesn't mean you HAVE to look at porn. Hello. I'm sure you can survive without it. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 Jeffrey, he's never had sex in his life before. Neiher with his girlfriend not with anyone else! What else can he do but jerk it off every night? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 All I know and need to know is that he loves me very much. Even asking him about what he does with his penis when I am not around would be attacking his integrity. Well, I wouldn't go that far. I think guys doing themselves is a mighty hot topic so I'd be more than happy to know if my guy did - it'd just make him hotter in my mind! We are still animals. We still have animal needs - eat, drink, sleep, and sex. Yes, all of those things can be taken to extreme, but to try to shut off any of them entirely is working against nature. It's too bad your gf doesn't like it. It's not her body and she doesn't have a right to dictate to you what you should feel or do about how you feel. Yes, if you become addicted to anything and your own life is impacted, then she can speak out of concern but otherwise, IMHO, it is not her place to tell you. All this 'sex is wrong' garbage does not come from the Bible. Read the Song of Solomon some day. This puritanism is what happened when humans got hold of religion. Notice that there is no commandment that says 'thou shalt not have sex'. It's wanting to take what others have that's wrong, not having sex or masturbating per se. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eirek Posted March 19, 2005 Author Share Posted March 19, 2005 So yesterday I told her that I have looked at porn she took it really well at first and then today she was taking it alot harder. She said while it's not "hurting" our relationship that it's still cheating in her mind. I tried explaining that I dont look because of the person, I look cause they're girls....if I can't do something with her/look at her naked then I can just look at someone else think of her and get off, were both happy campers She didn't quite agree with me but still took it pretty well. I just don't want to become another statistic of divorce for any reason and if my jacking off a little here and there compromises this then I'll stay away from it. She said she would try doing stuff with me more to get my mind off of it but I know it will hard. Heck, I can hardly wait a week without doing anything, 3 1/2 months will kill me, but she's deffinately worth it. Thanks for all your help, and all of your opinions. It's always nice to hear what other people think. Thanks again! Matt Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Moimeme, would you really like to see your guy watching some hot porn star and doing himself? Matt, first of all, you can't hold hapiness tight in your hand, just because you don't want to be one more divorced couple out of so many. The secret with happiness is that you should open your hand and let it go or stay if it wants to stay. If your girlfriend figures out that you will do anything just to avoid divorce, soon enough you will hear her saying "throw the garbage now and walk the dog or I will file for a divorce first thing in the morning". The more control you give her, the more she will demand it, and the worse you will feel as a married man, which will finally lead to your worst nightmare - divorce. You didn't explain things well to her however. You pointed out that there are GIRLS on the porn sites and it made her jealous. If you would simply explain that, just like seeing other people eat makes you hungry, seeing other people screwing makes you horny enough to come and feel relieved. Cuz that's what really porn is about. What's killing her is the thought that you fantasize about penetrating other woman instead of fantasizing about making love with her. You're not obliged to talk about your fantasies. She has a boyfriend who doesn't sleep with anyone and plans to sleep only with her for the rest of his life. That much respect she should have and not blame you for masturbation as if it's cheating. It's not cheating. if it were cheating then you would have cheated her for real. Why torture yourself with masturbation if it counts as cheating? You don't fantasize about anyone particular. Some things we don't discuss with our parents or co-workers or friends, right? Well some things we don't discuss even with our partners. Next time she nags about it, explain to her that you love her and that it's mere tension relief; that she has a right to say her opinion, but you also have a right not to obey her. People disagree about many things, it doesn't mean it should ruin the relationship. You found one thing you don't agree on, you will find many other things in the future. It doesn't always have to be her way. You don't have to deprive yourself from your basic need or lie to her, just because she doesn't understand some things about men's nature. She should ask other people for their opinions as well and see how normal it is for a guy who doesn't have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Moimeme, would you really like to see your guy watching some hot porn star and doing himself Yeesssssssssss! Hot it is. Totally, sizzly, HOT is that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Moimeme, sounds like you'd also like to see your guy doing another woman live! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Oh ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Now you sound like you'd join them and have a lot of fun ...do you live close to my city? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Thanks but no. If you and yours want to put on a show, go ahead and mabye I'd watch but that's it. The other gals who like to watch their lads aren't about at the moment but there's a bunch of us, actually. If you ain't tried it, honey you is missing OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Are you suggesting me to watch my boyfriend doing another girl? Only if it's his last wish. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Oh ye gods. Never mind. Link to post Share on other sites
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