Ready to leave

[teacupblue]

After 2 years of marriage and 5 years together, I think my relationship with my husband is over. I'm sharing on a forum because I really need to get my feelings out, but don't feel comfortable telling family/friends until everything gets a bit more settled and he's officially gone.

I married a person who has a mental illness. And I felt I could fix him, or at least that I was strong enough to deal with it long term. I was wrong. I became his mother, his maid, his caretaker, but we were never equal partners. And I became resentful. Yesterday he lost another job, and I finally decided I can't do it anymore. I can't be the sole "breadwinner" when he loses his job every few months and then spends months unemployed at a time while looking for work. I'm already doing most of the housework, bringing in all the pay, and basically running both of our lives. Which lets me know I'll probably be fine on my own. And I knew this was a long time coming so it's not really surprising to me.

What hurts me now is more the judgement I know will come from my extended family (who have no idea what he's like, they barely know him), and losing my opportunity to have children. I REALLY wanted to try to have a baby next year, and I'm feeling devastated that this option now has to be closed for now. I'm also open to fostering, but I know that now is no time to be jumping into such serious decisions.

I'm really mourning what I wished our relationship had been like, I guess. But I'm tired of seeing couples who are actually a team working together and wondering "why can't that be us?". I'm sick of feeling jealous of my single friends because they only have to worry about themselves and not about someone who is essentially a 15-year-old in terms of their behaviours and mentality.

We have a meeting with our therapist today, but I doubt it will change anything. I'm upset that this is not how I envisioned my life at 30, and I'm feeling intimidated by the idea of starting over.

Any advice on how to cope with the loss of the things I really wanted in my life (happy marriage, children)?

[PegNosePete]

These things are not lost. They're just temporarily on hold until you find someone new and better and happier.

[stillafool]

Absolutely! You are only 30 and still have time to meet a decent man, marry and still have kids. You are wise to not waste anymore time on a man child.

[teacupblue]

I know I should feel hope, but I've had no reason to feel hopeful for the last several years. I've often felt like I'm just sort of on autopilot, and I'm kind of scared to actually have to make a decision and live my life instead of just continuing in old patterns.

I'm also worried that I won't find someone, or that all the really good guys are already taken.

(as you can tell, I worry a lot.)

 

Though the weird thing is I looked at the stages of grief and I feel like I'm already in the fourth stage (depression). I spent the last few years grieving in the earlier phases (a lot of denial in getting married to him in the first place, anger at him and myself for the situation, plenty of bargaining trying to make it work).

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Would you be open to the idea of some marital counseling? Do you think that your husband would be open to that idea? Even if he isn't, it may be helpful for you to have a professional to talk to as you begin to navigate this situation. Best of luck to you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[PegNosePete]

I'm also worried that I won't find someone, or that all the really good guys are already taken.

Everyone worries about this. I could say the same thing about all the good women being taken. But you're a good woman and you're soon to be single, right...? There's millions of good guys in the same situation as you. Just wait until after you're healed from your break-up, then get back on that horse. IT's a lot easier than you think it will be, but you need time to heal yourself first.

[ralfgarnett]

For richer for poorer in sickness and in health til death do us part, or did your vows mean nothing to you ?, if not why did you marry him ?

Edited November 19, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[WasOtherWoman]

Yikes. I hope you live somewhere that is not going to award him spousal support for the long term....

[GorillaTheater]

For richer for poorer in sickness and in health til death do us part, or did your vows mean nothing to you ?, if not why did you marry him ?

 

I don't think this is entirely fair. Dealing with mental illness can be soul-crushing, whether it's dealing with the more vile aspects of BPD or other disorders, or being a caretaker for someone with more debilitating disorders. I'd go as far as to place mental illness in an entirely different category than physical ailments or disabilities. Dealing with someone with a mental illness can kill love in a way that dealing with someone with a physical disability or incapacity can't, in my opinion.

 

Everyone has their breaking point. The OP has reached hers. I'm not prepared to say that wanting to end the marriage is unreasonable in her case.

[teacupblue]

Yeah I've pretty much beaten myself up enough over the "to death do us part" thing. And this is exactly the judgement I mentioned in my original post, which I'm worried about with people I know. I've basically lived his life FOR him for the past three years. And I can't take the strain of being two people any longer. We've been in counselling together long term, things always get temporarily better but they never actually change or improve.

This is really the only move I have left to make. I've had him in therapy for the entire time we've been together, he's on medications, we've had couples counselling, had marriage prep, I work and support him financially, I do all the housework (including so called "blue jobs" like plumbing and yard work), and I take the verbal (and occasionally physical) abuse when he's out of control. Really if there was any chance that things were going to get better I would stay, but despite promised changes nothing ever really has changed. I'm unwilling to be a martyr anymore for him, and he actually understands that.

 

As far as finances go I'm not worried there either, he understands that I will pay to help get him resettled but he has no claim on the house (he didn't qualify for the mortgage due to bad credit, I actually qualified alone and paid the entire downpayment out of my RRSP). We are actually fairly amicable about this, despite everything that's happened. He's not a monster, he knows he's sick and knows that he's hurting me. I still like him as a person and understand that a lot of this is caused by mental illness, but I just can't spend the rest of my life in this situation.

[PegNosePete]

These days, most people take the "til death do us part" line to mean "death of the relationship" rather than the literal death of one of the parties. It makes no sense to remain married when the marriage is DEAD.

 

he has no claim on the house (he didn't qualify for the mortgage due to bad credit, I actually qualified alone and paid the entire downpayment out of my RRSP).

Hmm, depending on where you live, that may or may not be true. Here in the UK for example, after a 5 year relationship, he may very well have a strong claim on the house, even if your sole name is on the deeds and mortgage. In fact he might even get more than 50%, because you have a much greater capacity to find alternative living arrangements. What will he do if the house is awarded to you, and he can't move in with friends/family?

 

We are actually fairly amicable about this

That is good, but remember it can quickly change when it comes to divorce. The relevant phrase here is: hope for the best, prepare for the worst. It would make sense for you to seek legal advice. Many lawyers do a free initial consultation so it costs you nothing to get clued up. There's really no reason NOT to.