Epiphany or Insanity?

[kkat]

I am friendly with close friend of ex-MM after I worked on a consulting project with him. He is aware of the A mostly through his own ability to put 2 and 2 together. He knew of our relationship years ago, of course, but in terms of the more recent A, MM apparently shared very little with him - told him only of his feelings for me but no details about our relationship.

 

The friend called me today to catch up.

 

I told him I needed to get something out in the open - that my relationship with MM is over, and that I am not sure if it's possible for he and I to have a friendship -- it might be too awkward being that he is friends with ex-MM.

 

Sidebar - he had been on vacation with MM last week, which he mentioned in passing but I was already aware of that.

 

Well, he started talking about MM, and MM's wife, about the whole situation, and I just listened, and in the course of listening, I realized some things I never knew or conceptualized.

 

He started talking about his perspective - that ex-MM feels stuck, in love with me, wants to divorce but is afraid to leave his W because he is afraid she will hurt herself (she did threaten this repeatedly years ago). But as he talked, as much as I wanted to believe the in love w/ me part and that he had wanted to divorce...I realized it wasn't true. The friend wasn't lying... he was seeing it the way an outsider would, and the way I did for so long. Then, as he told me some other things, a lightbulb went on in my head....

 

I think what really happened is that when MM went home years ago after living with me, the power in his marriage shifted, because he had to grovel to get back in with his wife and kids, and that as a result of this, and perhaps her own growth, his W has the upper hand in every sense. She is living her life quite separately (granted this is easy since he supports her) and spends much of her time at their vacation home where she has, according to the friend, an entire life and group of her own friends and activities. I think she's just "not that into MM!" -- and now it all makes sense somehow!

 

I now realize/believe that he started up with me again 2 years ago because he wasn't getting attention and obsessive love from her anymore....but he's still in love with her. He's not leaving HER because he doesn't want to lose her - and in fact, he's more into HER than she is into HIM! He's intimidated by her having a life outside of him - he's not her world anymore like he was years ago...and I was a nice calming distraction and band-aid. And he is likely right about what she would do if she found out about the affair-- I used to say that he was so full of crap - that if she found out, she'd never leave him, but I bet he knew what he was talking about. She'd clean him out financially and never look back.

 

I don't know what any of this ramble means, would appreciate any thoughts, and can't tell you why but I feel so..much..better...realizing that he really is nuts about her and that he just used me ....am I insane or simply having a moment of insanity?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

It sounds to me a lot more like you are having a moment of sanity, not insanity.

 

You think somewhat like I do - looking for connection, putting together what is probable based on the available information, and what you think is most likely given the circumstances. Don't ignore what you have figured out. Most of the time I have had a thought process like the one you have just had, I have later found that I was 95% right - even if what I thought I had figured out hurt quite a bit.

 

Trust your instincts.

[goldy]

kkat,

hi, i too have had these kinds of revelation lately!

it is good, it means we are ready to deal with the truth.

just go with that, know that you are now strong enough to deal with it, theres no point in going back again once you reach this state, going back only brings a possibilty of becoming unable again.

you have said recently you feel you are making little progress amongst people who are making huge progress. it sounds to me as though all your movement was happening under the surface. a real subconscious growth spurt.

it is really exciting and should be celebrated. give yourself a pat on the back, you have been doing far more work than you realised.

[Mr Spock]

I personally hope a tornado transports their house to the land of Oz so you don't have to deal with his B.S. anymore.

[OtherWoman]

Mr. Spock, I like the way you think!

 

kkat, I too have had a very similar experience and revelation. And I too have felt like I am taking baby steps toward healing. It has taken me 18 months to get over all of this mess of the A. I would like to add one more ingredient to the recipe your MM has created: guilt. My MM, who was once a strong, loving, and sensitive man, now has the shackles of guilt and his W is the one who has the key. Guilt has caused this man to question everything he is and stands for. He has estranged himself from his mother and used the grandkids to control her friendship with me. (long story) Guilt plays a big role in everyone's feelings and the relationship dynamics.

 

Another warning: you will now find people crawling out of the woodwork who will know of the MM or W or the situation or the A and they will come at you with so much information. They will unknowingly keep you emotionally connected. It has taken me 18 months to make any visible progress to get over this A. Which is why I loved Mr. Spocks sentiments about the tornado ...

 

I posted information on the Marriage/Infidelity/Cop Cheaters portion of this site about narcissism. You may want to read it because your MM may have narcissistic tendencies, which would explain a lot about his connection with both you and the W.

 

Good luck and keep in touch. I feel like we're in the same sinking boat with Dixie cups to keep the water out.