Being a jerk to a certain extent works some attraction

[Darren2013]

I don't mean being a jerk in an abusive way or infidelity but being a jerk to a woman in some other ways does work to keep them attracted at least temporarily.

 

That being said I am not a believer that jerks finish first but just that they take longer to get dumped than the guy who is nice and clingy.

 

The kind of jerk behavior I am referring to is behavior that is expressions of being emotionally unavailable and emotionally indifferent and no passion for a woman.

 

I remember in my last long term relationship the woman I dated complained that I had no passion for her whatsoever and that she got the feeling I was just going through the motions and that I did not really want to be there.

 

Well I think in the early stages of the relationship some women find that attractive on an unconscious level and they view the emotionally unavailable man as a project to fix and try to get him to become a passionate guy.

 

But they do have their limits and eventually she does get tired of it. So I was a challenge in my last relationship but I was a negative challenge. A balanced guy is a positive challenge. But I think had I not been a challenge at all in either positive or negative way I would have gotten dumped sooner than 3 years. Because once a man starts acting like he can't live without her then that pushes her further away.

 

Other examples of jerk behavior that makes the jerk a negative challenge would be not calling my girlfriend for 2 weeks or longer, taking longer than a day to return phone calls, turning her down for sex, showing up an hour late for the date, canceling dates, not buying her gifts on her birthday, etc.

 

Basically the nice guy tries too hard and buys gifts too often but the jerk doesn't try enough and while he doesn't concern himself with keeping her approval he is selfish and not a giver when it comes to gifts, etc.

 

So I would consider myself to be more of the emotionally unavailable jerk when I get into a relationship. I think the last straw for my ex girlfriend was that I could never keep an erection long enough to have sex with her. I never could have sex with her because I would go soft before going inside of her.

 

So that's why I said the other day that if I am in a relationship and my girlfriend tries to play the mommy and put me on punishment by taking away sex privileges for a month or whatever because I wouldn't do something she wanted me to do then that kind of punishment would not work. I would probably laugh in her face because she is in for a big surprise that I could care less how long she takes away sex because I am going to get fulfilled as I always do through masturbation and porn. She would have to handcuff me to a bed to keep me from masturbating if she wanted an effective punishment.

 

Taking away sex from me would be like parents taking away a privilege from a child that doesn't mean all that much to them to begin with or a teacher suspending a student from school when that student doesn't want to be there anyway.

[WhatIsLove2014]

You CANT be serious with all these threads. There is no way you think like this and feel like it is going to be successful.

[todreaminblue]

I feel for you darren , and tis sympathy i feel.......you have to change your mind set or you will be a lonely guy manipulating someone into trying to get through to you on any level is wrong...the jerk theory was a movie for a reason......it has no place in real life.....and even in the movie.....the guy and his jerkish ways.....didnt win the girl he truly loved...the nice guy did...so yeah the nice guy finished last and got the girl of his dreams.....stop watching porn......it isnt helping you......deb

Edited November 18, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Gloria25]

Maybe you didn't wanna have sex with her cuz you feared all she wanted was to get knocked up (with you or just "anyone")? I mean, there are other forms of "sex" that can be done.

 

Also, if you felt "drained" in the RL, ever consider that you two probably weren't a match?

 

So, are you gonna keep on harping on your ex or are you gonna take lessons learned and move on? We meet people in our lives, we connect, we "may" have made mistakes, but we move on. People are "exes" for a reason. People also change, at "x" point in your life, that person may have fulfilled a particular need, but now if you look at them, you may be like "no thanks".

 

My 6 yr guy? We had great times, I mean, it "was" 6 years. Between those 6 years we saw other people and came back together. Upon the 6 years, we went out to eat once and I took a look at him, and realized that I've moved past him. I've gone home last yr and thought of looking him up, but nah, I thought it would be awkward cuz I've moved past that time in my life. I'm a better person now...but still, we had great times, and I believe he was also part of the steps I had to take in my life to reach where I am now.

 

As for the jerky behavior? I don't believe in playing games, but books like the Rules and Why Men Love B's have some truth to them. If you smother people, it is a turn off.

 

But, at the same turn of a coin, if you be a jerk, you're also gonna run them off.

 

I don't like when people "intentionally" pretend they're busy or this or that. I get not calling every day and stuff, but lemme give you an example....Girl asks "What are you doing this weekend?" and you respond "I don't know"...Then Girl might think "gosh, dude has no life". But if you would have answered like "Depends, I might hang with the guys or just chill". You aren't lying (cuz you pretty much don't have any plans, but you don't sound like you have no life). Get my drift?

 

You did mention you've had several RLs in the past. I'm not sure what kind of women these were, but from what you've posted - I believe that in part your ambivalence about opening up to them was cuz of something they were/weren't doing.

 

Cuz yes, I really do believe that when someone comes to us and they're genuine, two things or a combo of two things will happen: (1) Either you will open up and be vulnerable and trust them - thus, reaching a level of intimacy; and/or, (2) You'll be scared and run away.

 

I've opened up to a point to very few guys - but still, they didn't know a lot about me...and, now that I look back, they were not worthy.

 

I've met guys that I felt I could have closeness to - but really, I would get scared and start putting up the wall...But, after the RLs ended with those guys, I now look back and realize I was right to put up that wall, cuz they were also not worthy.

 

Hopefully one day you can meet someone genuine, where while you may be guarded, you can eventually put the box of games away and allow yourself to experience "something" with someone.

 

The whole "I don't even want sex", IMO, is also you guarding yourself. Cuz, I know the fear of getting some chick preggo - but like I said, there are other forms of intimacy (i.e. oral, anal, etc.). Or, maybe you didn't feel passion for X girl, cuz deep down inside you probably figured out she was not genuine.

 

The crush you describe, she seems like she is genuine about her interest in you and I think you put up so many walls cuz you fear it. Maybe this is the first time you actually met someone you click with "and" is genuinely interested in you. That is scary.

 

But, we all have our paths to chose in life. You can sit at home writing endless "do/don't" lists according to you and/or Doc Love, while you "take care of yourself". Or, you can, for once, allow someone genuine to let you live for once.

 

That's why I recommended Silver Linings Playbook for you. I hope/think you might get something out of that movie.

[Shepp]

I find it odd how your threads are all posed as statements not questions..

 

 

However much you believe these warped theories Darren there has to come a point where basic logic says if your still single and tens of guys in relationships are disagreeing then something ain't right!

[Darren2013]

As for my crush I have made a little progress not thinking about her as much as I used to. I've had the last 2 days off from work and I feel better not seeing her face. I guess it is an out of sight out of mind effect.

[Gloria25]

So that's why I said the other day that if I am in a relationship and my girlfriend tries to play the mommy and put me on punishment by taking away sex privileges for a month or whatever because I wouldn't do something she wanted me to do then that kind of punishment would not work. I would probably laugh in her face because she is in for a big surprise that I could care less how long she takes away sex because I am going to get fulfilled as I always do through masturbation and porn. She would have to handcuff me to a bed to keep me from masturbating if she wanted an effective punishment.

 

Taking away sex from me would be like parents taking away a privilege from a child that doesn't mean all that much to them to begin with or a teacher suspending a student from school when that student doesn't want to be there anyway.

 

I gotta question about what kind of RL you're gonna be in and/or seeking...

 

Ever hear people say something like 'the sex in the RL is reflective of what's going on outside of the RL, so, when the sex is lacking, something's going on outside of the bedroom....AND, that when sex is ok in the RL, sex is not the focus of the RL,...but, when sex is lacking it becomes the focus of the RL'?

 

In other words, how long do you think a woman is going to be in a sexless situation with you? Maybe in a FWB/FB, escort, LDR, or ONS you "might" be able to get away with it, but for how long?

 

If you are in a RL and hold off having sex cuz it doesn't matter to you, don't be surprised when her co-worker, some guy at the gym, or the neighbor down the street peaks her interest. Especially if you plan to keep on doing all these "games" to keep her on her toes - all it's gonna take is for some dude to smile at her and make her feel "wanted" and you'll lose her.

 

On my podcast, every now and then there'll be a call from a woman with a husband with little or no libido. One lady said she called his ex-wife and ex-wife said it wasn't an issue at first cuz she was busy with the kids, but eventually it became an issue and they divorced. I don't know why he remarried, but now the current wife was calling into the show cuz again, when sex is lacking, IT becomes the focus in the RL.

[Darren2013]

I gotta question about what kind of RL you're gonna be in and/or seeking...

 

Ever hear people say something like 'the sex in the RL is reflective of what's going on outside of the RL, so, when the sex is lacking, something's going on outside of the bedroom....AND, that when sex is ok in the RL, sex is not the focus of the RL,...but, when sex is lacking it becomes the focus of the RL'?

 

In other words, how long do you think a woman is going to be in a sexless situation with you? Maybe in a FWB/FB, escort, LDR, or ONS you "might" be able to get away with it, but for how long?

 

If you are in a RL and hold off having sex cuz it doesn't matter to you, don't be surprised when her co-worker, some guy at the gym, or the neighbor down the street peaks her interest. Especially if you plan to keep on doing all these "games" to keep her on her toes - all it's gonna take is for some dude to smile at her and make her feel "wanted" and you'll lose her.

 

On my podcast, every now and then there'll be a call from a woman with a husband with little or no libido. One lady said she called his ex-wife and ex-wife said it wasn't an issue at first cuz she was busy with the kids, but eventually it became an issue and they divorced. I don't know why he remarried, but now the current wife was calling into the show cuz again, when sex is lacking, IT becomes the focus in the RL.

 

 

Actually that kind of scenario did happen towards the tail end of my last relationship. She did sleep with another guy and what's worse is she had the guts to tell me to my face voluntarily without me even asking or investigating the issue. Sure I was hurt but I got over it within 1 week and just maintained NC with her. Didn't answer her calls or texts no matter how mad she got that I wasn't replying.

 

I think what helped me get over it faster was the fact that at least I did not have any financial obligations to her. I didn't live with her and had no kids. I was free to go on with my life without having to pay her anything every month. Nothing. I did not suffer financially from the breakup. It was only emotional.

 

When she told me that she was sleeping with this other guy and really enjoyed the sex I just said great. He can have her and take her out of my hair. Within a month after the breakup I was already chatting up 3 new women on Facebook.

[TigerLilly78]

Im going to take a wild guess here with out reading that entire opening post and say the OP had a peek at a few of the recent PUA garbage threads that have been slinking around?..lol

[most_distant_galaxy]

No, we don't find a passionless man attractive. It's a very good reason to stop dating him.

[Darren2013]

I gotta question about what kind of RL you're gonna be in and/or seeking...

 

Ever hear people say something like 'the sex in the RL is reflective of what's going on outside of the RL, so, when the sex is lacking, something's going on outside of the bedroom....AND, that when sex is ok in the RL, sex is not the focus of the RL,...but, when sex is lacking it becomes the focus of the RL'?

 

In other words, how long do you think a woman is going to be in a sexless situation with you? Maybe in a FWB/FB, escort, LDR, or ONS you "might" be able to get away with it, but for how long?

 

If you are in a RL and hold off having sex cuz it doesn't matter to you, don't be surprised when her co-worker, some guy at the gym, or the neighbor down the street peaks her interest. Especially if you plan to keep on doing all these "games" to keep her on her toes - all it's gonna take is for some dude to smile at her and make her feel "wanted" and you'll lose her.

 

On my podcast, every now and then there'll be a call from a woman with a husband with little or no libido. One lady said she called his ex-wife and ex-wife said it wasn't an issue at first cuz she was busy with the kids, but eventually it became an issue and they divorced. I don't know why he remarried, but now the current wife was calling into the show cuz again, when sex is lacking, IT becomes the focus in the RL.

 

 

Another way I am thinking to work challenge and play hard to get is to tell a woman I only want friendship when I really want more. A good relationship starts out with friendship first and it is better to wait for her to bring up talk about upgrading the friendship to FWB or bf/gf. Then to which I say "I'm happy to leave it the way it is and just continue to be friends".

 

This way I get to friend-zone her at least verbally instead of her friend-zoning me. Then I keep asking her out once a week keeping the dates strictly platonic. Then when I can't take it anymore I will go into NC mode.

 

I plan to be platonic for a minimum of 4-6 months. Women don't like to be pressured for sex so I will do the opposite and go SUPER slow! That means even when she is ready for higher level of intimacy I will hide my interest level and say I just want friendship.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Darren2013

[Gloria25]

Actually that kind of scenario did happen towards the tail end of my last relationship. She did sleep with another guy and what's worse is she had the guts to tell me to my face voluntarily without me even asking or investigating the issue. Sure I was hurt but I got over it within 1 week and just maintained NC with her. Didn't answer her calls or texts no matter how mad she got that I wasn't replying.

 

I think what helped me get over it faster was the fact that at least I did not have any financial obligations to her. I didn't live with her and had no kids. I was free to go on with my life without having to pay her anything every month. Nothing. I did not suffer financially from the breakup. It was only emotional.

 

When she told me that she was sleeping with this other guy and really enjoyed the sex I just said great. He can have her and take her out of my hair. Within a month after the breakup I was already chatting up 3 new women on Facebook.

 

Well, not to hurt your feelings, but IMO, her sleeping with some other guy so quickly/causally says she was all about herself and/or did it to try to manipulate you through jealousy.

 

If all she was looking for was attention and this "guy" was treating her better than you, then she would have moved on and just called it quits with you. But to cheat then throw it in your face shows you what she was all about. BTW, is this guy even "with" her? I bet not. He was probably smart enough to see what a waste of time she was too.

 

I don't think you beating up yourself and/or thinking it was your fault she did what she did...and, if you some how "make it up" to her, things will be different now.

[Divasu]

OP your thoughts seem...so...calculated. What is up with that?

[Darren2013]

Well, not to hurt your feelings, but IMO, her sleeping with some other guy so quickly/causally says she was all about herself and/or did it to try to manipulate you through jealousy.

 

If all she was looking for was attention and this "guy" was treating her better than you, then she would have moved on and just called it quits with you. But to cheat then throw it in your face shows you what she was all about. BTW, is this guy even "with" her? I bet not. He was probably smart enough to see what a waste of time she was too.

 

I don't think you beating up yourself and/or thinking it was your fault she did what she did...and, if you some how "make it up" to her, things will be different now.

 

Oh I haven't tried making anything up to her. It is not like I have plans to show up at her door with flowers. No she isn't with that guy. It was a short term fling/rebound thing. She has supposedly just been sleeping around with different guys in the last 3 years.

 

I don't care who she sleeps with. I never ask. She is the one who comes to me volunteering this information and I just ignore her when she does that. Even before the relationship ended when we got into a talk about why I wasn't able to stay erect I just flat out told her I don't care if you sleep with other guys and I meant it. The only reason I was hurt for a week was more ego motivated than anything. It wasn't because I was in love with her. She is high maintenance woman and I am not in love with her.

[Gloria25]

Oh I haven't tried making anything up to her. It is not like I have plans to show up at her door with flowers. No she isn't with that guy. It was a short term fling/rebound thing. She has supposedly just been sleeping around with different guys in the last 3 years.

 

I don't care who she sleeps with. I never ask. She is the one who comes to me volunteering this information and I just ignore her when she does that. Even before the relationship ended when we got into a talk about why I wasn't able to stay erect I just flat out told her I don't care if you sleep with other guys and I meant it. The only reason I was hurt for a week was more ego motivated than anything. It wasn't because I was in love with her. She is high maintenance woman and I am not in love with her.

 

Well, I don't know, but seems like your ego is still bruised. It appears that you feel you gotta do "something" to have some sort of closure here and I don't see why. From what you've described, she doesn't sound like she's worth it.

 

Think about it, since you two have been over, any guys stepping up the plate to take her off of the market? While there's a sucker born every day, and she may find one dumb enough to cater to her and her whims, still, her "sleeping around" all this time without anything to show for it says something.

 

I mean, who just calls up an ex and says "Guess who I'm sleeping with now?" If she's got all this goin' on for her, then why would she feel she has to shout it from mountain tops?

[Gloria25]

Another way I am thinking to work challenge and play hard to get is to tell a woman I only want friendship when I really want more. A good relationship starts out with friendship first and it is better to wait for her to bring up talk about upgrading the friendship to FWB or bf/gf. Then to which I say "I'm happy to leave it the way it is and just continue to be friends".

 

This way I get to friend-zone her at least verbally instead of her friend-zoning me. Then I keep asking her out once a week keeping the dates strictly platonic. Then when I can't take it anymore I will go into NC mode.

 

I plan to be platonic for a minimum of 4-6 months. Women don't like to be pressured for sex so I will do the opposite and go SUPER slow! That means even when she is ready for higher level of intimacy I will hide my interest level and say I just want friendship.

 

While a woman may respect you not hounding her for sex, you gotta "make a move" at some point. Even if it's hot heavy make out sessions, holding her hand, kissing her at the end of a date, you gotta show her that you see her more than just a "friend".

 

Also, a mature, experienced woman like myself - who knows what she wants and isn't just looking for any guy to call her his "gf" is looking for certain qualities/things. Sex is important to me. If a guy isn't showing to me that he's capable of getting naked with me, then I'm not interested. How would he show me? Again, a kissing session now and then, him rubbing his hand across my waist, butt, neck or something when we're out/about.

 

Whether you believe it or not, we women, within barely 5 min know if we would get naked with you. It doesn't mean we're gonna actually do it, but we will when we're ready.

 

Shortly after that, we put you in a "friend" or "romantic" box. If you don't give us the right signals and we "friendzone" you, you won't come out of that box.

 

By the time you make your sexual/romantic interest known, we probably stopped seeing you in that light in cuz it's too late. We probably even labeled you as some as our emotional tampon - someone we can rely on for this or not, but we do not feel a "spark" to date.

 

I don't know why I'm even posting this...it's gonna go through one ear (or eye) and out the other....

Edited November 18, 2014 by Gloria25

[Darren2013]

While a woman may respect you not hounding her for sex, you gotta "make a move" at some point. Even if it's hot heavy make out sessions, holding her hand, kissing her at the end of a date, you gotta show her that you see her more than just a "friend".

 

Also, a mature, experienced woman like myself - who knows what she wants and isn't just looking for any guy to call her his "gf" is looking for certain qualities/things. Sex is important to me. If a guy isn't showing to me that he's capable of getting naked with me, then I'm not interested. How would he show me? Again, a kissing session now and then, him rubbing his hand across my waist, butt, neck or something when we're out/about.

 

Whether you believe it or not, we women, within barely 5 min know if we would get naked with you. It doesn't mean we're gonna actually do it, but we will when we're ready.

 

Shortly after that, we put you in a "friend" or "romantic" box. If you don't give us the right signals and we "friendzone" you, you won't come out of that box.

 

By the time you make your sexual/romantic interest known, we probably stopped seeing you in that light in cuz it's too late. We probably even labeled you as some as our emotional tampon - someone we can rely on for this or not, but we do not feel a "spark" to date.

 

I don't know why I'm even posting this...it's gonna go through one ear (or eye) and out the other....

 

 

Actually the only way a woman will see me as an emotional tampon is if I let myself become that. I wouldn't allow that to happen. I would go into no contact mode and just disappear. Of course I wouldn't tell her that. I would just be discreet and stop communicating with her. I'm not there to play counselor and ceasing communication will send a clear message that she will have to find another counselor. She has plenty of girlfriends to talk to about her problems. She can't lean on me for emotional safety net unless I let her. It is like resigning from a job that isn't giving me the promotion I think I deserve after working hard and doing things beyond the call of duty for X number of years. No you don't have to promote me but that doesn't mean I have to stick around either.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Darren2013

[Xiang]

Did i not mention in another topic by this guy how similar we think and that i agree with him.

Based on my own experiences.

I get more attention from women when i'm being a rude-ass. Go figure.

Last ones that dumped me was because i wasn't "sly" enough.

 

Now i'm a sad guy who has lost all hope and am rude towards most people becuase i am angry and frustrated....and ODDLY ENOUGH.

This behavior of mine is attracting women, i had taken notice >_> for quite some months now.

 

Then again if i look at it from another perspective all i am doing is...not being a pushover anymore and standing my ground. Something i avoided before for the pleasure of others.

But nah, i'm just being a rude dick most of the time.

 

Depends on how you look at it, i just had a epiffany...however you spell it.

[Copelandsanity]

To a certain extent, Darren is correct. At my core, I'm super nice, generous, thoughtful, a hopeless romantic...and most of my relationships, including my marriage, suffered whenever I was too much of "myself." The times that they've flourished was when I balanced my true personality with a bit of edge or coldness. Women operate primarily through emotion, and if you don't inspire enough emotion, they'll go find someone else who will. You can't be too good to someone too much of the time because your partner will get bored of it essentially, or they'll take advantage of you.

[todreaminblue]

To a certain extent, Darren is correct. At my core, I'm super nice, generous, thoughtful, a hopeless romantic...and most of my relationships, including my marriage, suffered whenever I was too much of "myself." The times that they've flourished was when I balanced my true personality with a bit of edge or coldness. Women operate primarily through emotion, and if you don't inspire enough emotion, they'll go find someone else who will. You can't be too good to someone too much of the time because your partner will get bored of it essentially, or they'll take advantage of you.

 

have to disagree.....because if you arent true to who you are how can you be true to anyone else......and even if you try and hide the fact you are a bad guy or a good guy the mask will slip....why a guy would want to hide his good side is beyond me.....being a good person doesnt mean being a door mat to be used......being a good person means standing up for what you believe to be right with class dignity respect loyalty ....hope love all the good stuff............and doesnt mean you are cowering in some corner waiting for some attention and being clingy or needy...being good rocks ok....thats it plain and simple...good people rock and should not hide it for aboslutely no one because other people get off being dicks doesnt mean you join the sheep brigade and go bleating off a cliff ...saying im baaaaaad im baaaad you know it...till you hit the bottom..not so bad then huh......one huge sheepy mess...............deb

[eye of the storm]

That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works!!!

 

Yes acting aloof in the beginning may attract some women, just like running away from a dog gets them to chase you. But its all game play.

 

Game play is fine if you are looking for short term play partners. Because even if it turns into something long term, it probably won't be healthy because it is not real, there is no foundation, and no trust. You can't relax and be yourself.

 

But if you want a REAL emotional connection or a true partner, you have to be who you are and open to who they are. You need lots of communication, trust, and respect for each other.

[todreaminblue]

That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works!!!

 

Yes acting aloof in the beginning may attract some women, just like running away from a dog gets them to chase you. But its all game play.

 

Game play is fine if you are looking for short term play partners. Because even if it turns into something long term, it probably won't be healthy because it is not real, there is no foundation, and no trust. You can't relax and be yourself.

 

But if you want a REAL emotional connection or a true partner, you have to be who you are and open to who they are. You need lots of communication, trust, and respect for each other.

 

 

on repeat for emphasis.....true that..deb

[Shepp]

Another way I am thinking to work challenge and play hard to get is to tell a woman I only want friendship when I really want more. A good relationship starts out with friendship first and it is better to wait for her to bring up talk about upgrading the friendship to FWB or bf/gf. Then to which I say "I'm happy to leave it the way it is and just continue to be friends".

 

This way I get to friend-zone her at least verbally instead of her friend-zoning me. Then I keep asking her out once a week keeping the dates strictly platonic. Then when I can't take it anymore I will go into NC mode.

 

I plan to be platonic for a minimum of 4-6 months. In which time she meets another guy. He mans up and asks her out.[/Quote]She agrees, they start dating. They're happy. She's totally out your reach. And you've just wasted 4-6months!

Women don't like to be pressured for sex so I will do the opposite and go SUPER slow! That means even when she is ready for higher level of intimacy I will hide my interest level and say I just want friendship.