We are on a "break"...

[xboost]

This is my first post here after doing some reading on other members problems (it has helped). I was hoping to get some advice and just posting this will help me out as well. Thank you in advance.

 

 

I am a guy and was dating a girl for almost 4 years (1 month away). We had an extremely close relationship where we hung out almost daily at the beginning and quickly moved into hanging out literally everyday. There were really no issues the first year we dated, it was great and we were madly in love. We eventually stopped hanging out with friends together as the friends we hung out with together had moved or didn't stay as close friends. This was something that later on bothered both of us but still was not the main problem. There were a few times in our second year of dating where I had talked about breaking up, and didn't mean it, when in reality I just felt insecure because there was another guy texting her as friends (turned out to be younger and had no chance anyways). I have always had trust issues and should have trusted her all along. I could tell this took a toll on her heart, but we always managed to work it out. Things went back to normal and talk of a breakup ceased.

 

 

After about a year in a half she began a program at college and was no longer able to commute there, so she moved. It is not that far away and I would not consider it long distance (an hour at most). Of course after being together all the time, the distance was hard. Our plan was to take turns visiting eachother until I moved closer. She made a great effort to come see me as often as possible and I fell short on my end. Not seeing her was hard and of course I could not explain to her the problem as I sometimes have trouble talking about my feelings and instead it came out as suggestions that she should be single. These things really hurt her and because it was in text I didn't realize how much of an effect it had on her. I know its a stupid and foolish thing it was for me to do because it was my fault I was feeling that way in the first place. Anyways we were together a week and a half ago when I said to her that I think we should break up. About 15 minutes later I realized how big of mistake it was, but it was too late. She said she had felt like things weren't working out after I said I thought she should be single and because things were this way she did not want to get back together but instead that she wanted to take a break to think things over. We clarified things and made it clear that it was a break and not a definite break up. We also decided that we would go on a date the following Friday.

 

 

I was heartbroken because suddenly it was so real. I made a mistake the first few days by sending to many texts, calls, and talking about the relationship. She always responded, but I changed gears to only responding to her contacts. I am still unsure of whether I should go to no contact at all. The Friday date went really well, it was only a few hours but it was fun. At the end she actually told me she had a great time and said, "i'll see you later". Im not sure how much that means. I waited for her to text me that night and she eventually did, to talk about how much the paper she was writing for school sucked. We have continued text conversation since then that was always initiated by her, except once. I proceeded to ask her on a lunch date which she said "yeah, that sounds good!" Well that day came and she cancelled because she had a project to do and felt bad that I would be driving that far just for a quick lunch. She did offer to reschedule for the Friday this week. I don't know what to make of this entire situation but I know I don't want it to end.

 

 

Any opinions or advice is greatly appreciated.

[evanescentworld]

You're being edged into the friend zone.

 

Please believe us when we tell you: No relationship ever has a break, that isn't a "break-UP" in disguise.

She's loosening the hold, and is letting you go.

She's treating you like a real good buddy, not her life partner and soul-mate (although neither such thing really exists; only hapless Romantics believe that.....).

 

It's over.

If I were you, I would look upon this as an increasingly distancing thing.

This is dying, and needs putting out of its misery.

 

Go No Contact, and do not let her twist you round her little "Be my best buddy!" finger. It will put your heart through the wringer and chew it to bits.

[Ronni_W]

I don't know what to make of this entire situation but I know I don't want it to end.

xboost, during your next get-together, ask her if you are free to date other people.

If she says 'yes', then you will know what to make of the entire situation; and then just maintain your dignity and poise. It sounds like she's moved, or is at the end of moving into a new phase of her life.

 

If she says 'no', then tell her that how things are now, is not working for you. And tell her what you will like to see changed -- NOT in her, but in the relationship. Obviously this must include what YOU are willing to change within and about yourself. (But not her...the 'if' and/or 'what' of her any changes will be up to her to decide/choose.)

Obviously you will need to carefully contemplate all of that BEFORE you try to have this conversation with her.

 

There ARE such things as spiritual Twin Flames but, at present time, it's just as well for us to consider our romantic dalliances as karmic relationships and not the stuff that Twin Flames are made of, nor for which they were created.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Ronni_W
spelling

[cooki]

xboost

 

When someone says to you, that she/he wants to take a break it means, that they don't wanna be in the relationship anymore.

The different in "lets take a break"/"let's be just friends" (in most cases it's the same) AND "i'm breaking up with you", is just to say things the nice way.

I was in your situation and i'm regretting that i didn't react right.

In your case i would cancel the lunches and stuff that friends do. Invite her on somewhere more private and you will see how she responds. If she is not willing to go with you beyond the friendship lvl, than tell her that you are not into that and she should contact you if he changes her mind. Be a man and be congruent, you have to know what you want. Of course that means that you must go NC if she decides to be friends with you.

SHE MUST CONTACT YOU FIRST AFTER THAT! (if this happens, you can make a date)

You must love her in such a way, that you are willing and capable of letting her go. It must be also her idea, to rekindle a relationship that you too once had.

 

Have a nice day.

 

[LifeGoesOnMan]

its a sugar-coated way of letting you down easy, sorry to say.

 

 

once you've agreed too and are on a "break" consider it broken.

 

 

as in broken up... I am sorry but it is the sobering truth (been there)

 

 

Now what you should do is go ghost, disappear, she wants a break, time alone? give her exactly what she wants.

 

 

Strike first and block all forms of contact and start "No Contact" (plenty of threads throughout this forum to guide you along the way)

 

 

it's the only way, to save your dignity and possibly relationship (in the future)

[d0nnivain]

"Breaks" are precursors to break-ups. They are a way to test drive being single.

 

Have moved closer to college & being more independent & worldly, her view of life is changing. You are part of her past. The fact that you kept hinting she should be single became a drag & she has decided to follow your advice.

[AlexfromBoston]

A break is her way of saying, "I like you, but I want to see what else is out there". Basically, they can keep you on the hook until they either find someone else or play the field until they want to return to a sense of stability. You need to honor this break and go NC. Seriously, make a timeline and say, "ok xboost, I will plan to go NC for at least three weeks and maybe after that I can re-evaluate my situation". Apply a sense of false hope and promise to "treat" yourself by breaking NC after a period of time. Obviously, when that time rolls around, find a reason not to break it...ie, get the guys together and hit up a bar, club, strip club, etc. If I were you, I would start enjoying this break and meet other women and have fun. I would venture to guess that she will be the one to break contact around the holidays. If you are in the States, it could be on Thanksgiving. If not, she will definitely hit you up on Xmas(if you celebrate it), wishing you a happy holiday. I mean, 4 years is a long time to be with someone and there is no way she is just going to drop all her feelings and memories like that. Xboost, why don't you maintain NC until Xmas. Stick to your guns. If she texts or calls you in the meantime, answer her politely yet make it brief. And make sure you terminate all contact...ie, "Sorry Jane Doe, I need to get going, I have this thing I'm going to". Let her break the NC though and don't make it too easy for her.