BiancaRura Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 This is going to be a long post..... My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half now and things have changed sooo much. I just dont know what to do. I am so depressed, I cant even get out of bed to go to class... I am seeking a psychologist for myself (depression, self-esteem, etc). When my husband and I first got married, it was great. We would lay in bed and talk for hours upon hours. I had a job at first but lost it about a month after we wed. I have had a few jobs since them (we have moved state 3 times already). Right now I am not working but looking for a job. My husband bitches about me not having a job all the time. Well not so much as bitches but lays a guilt trip on me almost every day. He says he has worked more then I have in the relationship but its about equal with me bringing in more money. I am not the only one that has noticed this but my husband lies all the time, about little things. There is no reason for him to lie. It could be about a job he had years ago or about which route he took coming home, little things. He has also gotten so into porn a lot lately. Last night he spent over 8 hours on the internet looking at porn. When we first got married, we would watch porn together about 1-2 times a month and now he will spend hours on it. When I saw it all on the history on my computer I asked him about it and now he is deleting the history. The first night we got our cable (Just moved to a new state) last week, he charged over $60 on porn. And the really bad part is we arent even intiment except for maybe, MAYBE 4 times a month. One of my good friends told me that while I was in basic training for the Navy thats all my husband did, watched porn. When I saw the cable bill and confronted him he swore he would stop with the porn but now he spend all his time on the computer looking a porn. He is always talking to other girls on the internet even though we have gotten into so many arguements over it and he swears he is stopping it. We just moved here from Texas and we had some goods friends there that told me that my husband said he was going to leave me a letter, a Dear John letter. He was planning on leaving me, so my friends say. I have asked him about it and he got on the defensive. Every time I try to have a constructive conversation on any of these topics he gets on the defensive and we have a blow up arguement. All this has gotten so bad that I am so depressed. I dont believe in divorce but it seems that this is where our relationship is heading. Please help me.... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 Sounds like a big breakdown in communication between each other. Have you suggested marriage counseling to him? I think that's imperative here. In the mean time keep looking for work, also try to do things together like you used to do. Porn is used for a number of reasons, one is stress. He might feel unappreciated and is turning elsewhere. Maybe it's time to get rid of that computer for awhile? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 He was planning on leaving me This is at the root of your problems. Ignore everything else for the time being - all that other stuff is symptomatic, not causal. There is only one chance you have and that is to communicate your needs to each other, and make the necessary compromises to reconcile those needs for the health of your marriage. Unfortunately, this is a lot harder than it sounds. Its good that you are seeking individual counseling, but its a bit like treating cancer with painkillers. You may be helping in an indirect way, but you won't be solving your problems. You will both need to go to a marriage counselor, who will help you communicate with each other - and help you learn to make the necessary compromises in order to make sure both partners are happy. You will have to ask your husband to go to marriage counseling - then you will be able to talk through the things that are causing you pain: the porn, etc. If he refuses, then let him know that you cannot continue in a marriage like this and ask for a separation. He will have a choice: fix the marriage or leave it. Its a tough thing to do - both for you to set forth the ultimatum, and for him to have to decide what it is he wants to do. You will have to be strong. If you find strength in your faith, then talk to you your preacher/pastor or someone in your church about what it is you can do to gather the strength to set forth the very tough love that is called for in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 I don't think this is treating cancer with pain killers. I think it's more like treating cancer on a dead person. It seems to me that your husband doesn't love you anymore and you don't seem so hot for him either. You're scared that he will leave you and you don't even have a job. You're also hurt by his behavior. I don't see any attempt to solve anything from any of you. I was very unhappy with my marriage and didn't want to let go, but when my ex left me I felt much better after a while. Now I couldn't imagine being with him. Why suffer in a bad marriage when you can start everything all over again? The porn, the money problem, the lack of sexual life, the lying...it's all symptomatic (as LBorgia said) for lack of love. Can you cure a lack of love? I don't think so. Find a job and finish your school so that you don't depend on him. It's easier to get over the wrong person than live with them for the rest of your life. There's a saying: "A happy divorce is better than an unhappy mariage." But of course, if you want to try and make things work out - go ahead. Make sure you're not the only one who wants to stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaRura Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 I posted about a week ago about my husband and online porn, lying a lot, and some gen marriage problems.... Someone suggested we get rid of the computer for awhile but we cant. I need it for school. Also, we discussed (my H and I) the porn issue and he swore he would stop but everyday when I wake up there is more on the history. My H said he uses it because "he's getting older and cant preform like he use to and it takes more to get him aroused". He will be 32 this month. He always wakes up before I do and I guess he looks at porn before work. But if he uses it to get aroused so he can preform, why does he need to look at it before work? Also, he told me when he got this job he would be working one Sat. a month and now its almost every Sat. I called yesterday and told them to have him call me. Guess what? No phone call. I dont know if he was actually at work or not. Another issue.... can you get into someone else's e-mail with out having a password? My H swears this is not his e-mail but I saw him in the mail composing a letter to some girl saying "Hey sexy........, see you soon J...." and on his regualr e-mail I saw a sent message to this same girl telling her she could reach him at this "mistery" e-mail address. The screen name is also misleading, the mistery name is "totalpleasure2004". He swears its not his and he dont know how it keeps getting on the history on the computer. He says he thinks someone is hacking into our computer and playing with his e-mail and adding **** to our history. He thinks it is one of our friends who keeps getting in between us. I have set an appointment for marriage counceling for the 29th of this month and I know a lot of these issues are going to come up but I wanted some of your thoughts on this also. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by BiancaRura My H swears this is not his e-mail but I saw him in the mail composing a letter to some girl saying "Hey sexy........, see you soon J...." and on his regualr e-mail I saw a sent message to this same girl telling her she could reach him at this "mistery" e-mail address. The screen name is also misleading, the mistery name is "totalpleasure2004". He swears its not his and he dont know how it keeps getting on the history on the computer. He says he thinks someone is hacking into our computer and playing with his e-mail and adding **** to our history. He thinks it is one of our friends who keeps getting in between us. The only way the friend could be doing this is if they were physically in your house, logging into your computer and checking their email. You can't add anything to the history of a box through a remote location. Your husband is lying. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 BiancaRura, your husband is full of s*it. He's probably one of those dogs that start sleeping around sooner or later. I might be wrong, but I don't think so. The I-know-nothing excuse is just so typical for men. If I were you, I would search around without any hesitation and if you find out that he's being unfaithful, deal with it the way you want to. But don't spend years on counsiling if he's just another piece of sh*t! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BiancaRura Posted March 21, 2005 Author Share Posted March 21, 2005 I know my H still loves me and I still love him very much. I dont think he has every physically cheated but I fear that is where all this is heading. I have started to check the odometer on our car to see if there is any unaccountable miles on it. (started tonight) We never let anyone use our computer except for one person (the friend in question) but I know the sites she goes to and she has only used the computer twice. Once to check her e-mail and once to use my messenger. I have seen the e-mail account on our history about 10 or so times since we got our new computer 2 weeks ago. I havent seen it in about a week though, but he could be deleting it off of the history. We did have a long conversation and I told him that if we didnt work on this together that our relationship is heading for divorce. This is my first marriage and his second. I know where his last went wrong (at least what he has told me). His ex is Bi and left him for another woman. I have read the divorce papers from his last marriage and on there it said he had a porn addiction. He swears he doesnt. Since our conversation, he has been more attentive and our sex life is better. We talk more and I have only seen him on the computer a few times and I havent seen any porn, so I guess its getting better. Im still a little confused though.... I guess we will see where this is going and I will keep you guys up to date on the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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