How long did it take you to stop being set off by reminders of your ex?

[SamInBrooklyn]

I'm coming up on 3 years post-divorce after 14 years together. A few months in, the ex decided he didn't want to have any contact and that's pretty much been the case (we got together very young and had not had kids yet when we split). I was fairly miserable the first year, better the next, and now I'm actually feeling pretty great most of the time. I've started dating again and am having a lot of good times with friends, plus a new direction in my job has me excited and keeping busy. Day-to-day life is back to normal and mostly really good.

 

But every so often, something like yesterday happens. I had plans to meet with some friends for dinner last night. During the day, one of those friends was presenting on a panel at a conference and my ex walked into the room. Now when my ex cut ties with me, he also cut ties with a bunch of my close friends, including her, really melodramatically via social media, so this was really awkward for her. They didn't interact and she got through the presentation, but when we had dinner that night, we spent a good amount of time talking about it, him, how awkward it was, etc.

 

Now for the past 24 hours, I've been angry, sad and obsessing about all the stuff I used to obsess about right when our divorce was fresh (e.g. how he screwed me over, how I got "first wifed" and taken advantage of supporting us while he was in grad school only to have him decide to leave as soon as his career started to take off, etc.). I know that I'll go home tonight, have some wine, watch some TV and wake up fine in the morning, but it just annoys me that three years later just the mention of him can still knock me into a full day of emotional frenzy. I don't think about him in my every day life anymore, so I'm generally fine, but when I get an unpleasant reminder - the last one was over a month ago when some bank paperwork meant for me accidentally got sent to him and he emailed to ask where to send it - it all comes back.

 

I'm rambling a bit, but I'm just wondering if anyone else had this experience and, if so, whether they got over it. Any tips? How long did it take? It feels like he still has power over me if he can rattle my cage like this just by reminding me that he exists, and that's a feeling I don't like and would rather not have.

[Ronni_W]

I had a "nice" ending with my ex, so what triggers me is different. But, fifteen years later, I can still get triggered...but...kind of, almost "if I want to get triggered", or am in the mood, or something. (I can't explain that...it just now came to me that this is the case. Because the same external trigger does not always evoke my same internal reaction.)

 

However. What came to me was to write down all the crappy thoughts and crap that is still floating around on the inside of you. Do it once, or once a month or whatever, until there is nothing that wants to come out and express itself.

 

For me, I've already accepted that some of my sadness is going to stay; and it really doesn't bother me that it's there or when it comes up. I kind of just go, "Oh, yeah, okay...that", and then there seems to be some kind of 'on-off' switch, where I get to choose to go one way or the other. (Again, I'm just realizing this.)

 

But/so. Given my own experience. I'm thinking that MAYBE if you let all the crap out in a journal, then at the end you'll get to that same point of, "Meh...that again???" and be able to control it however you choose. I'm not sure, though. It's just a 'maybe'.

[SamInBrooklyn]

Whoa. That's so interesting because it's seems like the same approach a therapist gave me years ago to deal with anxiety around public speaking (which is part of my job) and that I've been using forever and have gotten really good at. Like, "oh here's that fear again... it's not even real, it's just the noise in my head... Yeah, ya know what, I know it's BS and that I'm going to do great, so I'm not going to listen, I'm just going to get back to getting ready."

 

I'd never thought of using that approach towards the reactions I have towards my ex... I mean, I don't know if I can, but I know exactly the type of strategy you're talking about. Hmmm... seems like it's worth a shot. Next time this happens, I'll try it!