katielee Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I have a single co-worker that I work with on my 2nd job so we see each other roughly monthly. I would like to be professional, but he is someone very comfortable with women and touching them. I've seen him do this. The first time we worked together he wanted to hug me when we were done. Usually we all just shake hands. So I shook his hand and the 2nd time he went in for the hug and then remembered I did the hand shake and shook my hand. He still likes to be personally close to me. I know in my gut he talks to the other guys about me (I'm the only female worker). The last time I worked with him he shook my hand but took it in both of his, put his hands on my shoulders and said to have a happy Thanksgiving and said he'd see me soon. I just kind of nodded. I'm not sure how to read this or if I should be more adamant about personal boundaries. Or if this is a gigantic hit or means nothing? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Yes men & women can be friends. the debate about that is as old as time though. Friends isn't your issue. His touchy feely nature is your issue. I have people I don't hug & people I have told, please stop, you're making me uncomfortable. If you don't want this co-worker in hugging distance -- except maybe on special occasions -- make that clear to him. You are responsible for setting your own boundaries with people. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 If you don't routinely see him hugging men, then no, friendship isn't in the cards, at least not platonic friendship. He's hitting on women with his 'touchy-feely' style and probably does it a lot. When you express personal boundaries regarding such physical contact, expect him to express incredulity, like he didn't realize anything was inappropriate. Perfectly normal for men like him. Usually, with one hard smack down, they move on to easier targets. Some may have to be reported for discipline by superiors. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 He's hitting on women with his 'touchy-feely' style and probably does it a lot. I see him at least back pat all females around his age - including the very unattractive ones... oh yeah, I can tell him to back off... but I just wonder why do some men do this? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 It's sexual. Men like having sex with women and touching is a part of that. If you routinely saw him hugging men and touching them, too, that would indicate he's a touchy-feely person in general. Some people are like that and are generally very outgoing and friendly with everyone. I have male friends like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 can he be doing this and NOT thinking of me sexually? Because if he is, I may not be interested in working with him again. Link to post Share on other sites
jonsnuh Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I get along with my friends and lovers (except my first ex) very well. I know people say acting like a kid is "immature" and frowned upon, but I really do admire how easily kids can just be friends without hidden agendas, politicking, and putting one's self-interests first. Kids tend to just take friendship for its face value for companionship, and to do platonic things together. It's this innocence that becomes harder and harder to convey and deliver for some people, simply because all these preconceived notions of the opposite gender have been dictated by society, as if males would take advantage of something wholesome just to satisfy sexual urges. Link to post Share on other sites
Mcnulty Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 He sounds like a sex pest in a subtle way. Tell him to stop! Men and women can definitely be friends, though in my experiences it normally starts off with an attraction from one party..most of the time in my experience, the friendship will dissipate, but my best friend is a lady...who fancied me initially, but we got past that and I love her to bits in a sisterly way. I've had lots of female friends, who have found a guy and that was it, they back right off from a friendship, a lot of the time, i feel, to appease and please their new significant other, which is sad, but that's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Anything is possible. However, in my 55 so far as a man, where there's a look, a touch, a 'friendly' encounter, it's invariably followed by a comment (not to the person, but to fellow men) of a sexual nature, whether overt or covert. Whether the man is married or not is generally irrelevant because, well, he's not dead. This has been going on since men were chasing their secretaries around the desk a century or more ago and probably long before that. Sure, some men don't do it and, yep, some men entertain only the purest of non-sexual thoughts when interacting with women. Commonly though, it's sexual. When one lives an exception, one notices the rule a lot more than if living the rule. The rule is there because it works and the species lives on. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 You're going to have to start your own business and work with only women if you want any kind of realistic chance of avoiding someone thinking about you sexually. Guys generally do it because it's a powerful tool. He's got you wondering whether or not he's thinking about you sexually just with a handshake and a pat on the shoulders. And that's not an abnormal reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 can he be doing this and NOT thinking of me sexually? Because if he is, I may not be interested in working with him again. Nope. Kudos for not hugging him. Some men find that arousing, just from feeling your soft body next to his. To answer your question^ If you mean friends as in platonic, the answer is no unless shes very old or unattractive. Most men are hanging around a woman because hes attracted to her. Ive never had a guy friend who didnt eventually hit on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I've had platonic make friends before but we never hug, kiss or touch each other. Because then you're making the moves on them. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 It depends on the generation, to an extent... Guys my age(late 40's ) and older dont really have much in the way of female friends..I have only had one in my entire life...She has worked for me for years...Very attractive, but only friends.. IME, the Millennials and younger are more inclined to co-mingle in a platonic way...The men have become more feminized and the women have become more masculinized so the blurring of the typical gender roles have made it less of an issue... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 This sounds very unprofessional. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Yes men and women can be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Ok so some say yes as friends. Others no way, especially the men. For the record, he's 53 ish. I'm 48. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Ha, horn dog. What do friends do? They do what friends do, share interests, hang out as equals, form bonds, share the trials and tribulations of their lives. As time goes by, value grows and so does physical affection as an expression of their bonds as friends. Watch how men grow slowly from wary competitors to trusting to actually loving another man as a friend. It's quite a process. Why isn't it usually that way with women? Sex. Sure, men can be friends with women, if the man is gay, or he's married and his boundaries prohibit extra-marital involvements, or he finds the woman utterly unattractive. Otherwise, there's always going to be a sexual undertone, even if nothing 'happens'. Some men can stuff that down so it doesn't leak into their actions and/or words; most do not. If you identify with the progression of healthy intimacy and love amongst friends, compare it to the actions of the gentleman in question and see how it goes for you. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 They can only be friends if neither is attracted to the other. At the work place you're better to draw boundaries against any touching, inappropriate conversation, etc. Will make for a much more comfortable long-term 'work relationship'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Got more girl's who are good mates. No that does not make me the slightest bit 'Mincey'. But people should not assume they can touch you. Tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Sure they can! I've got female friends I grew up with who I'd trust with my life but there is absolutely nothing romantic there! Attractive enough girls, but to even think about them too much in that way just seems a little.. borderline incestuous - kinda like folk dating an adopted sister - not technically wrong, but still kinda wrong! That's not your question thought - its not okay for a co worker to make you feel uncomfortable! This guys not a close friend of yours - he's just a collegue and it sounds like he'd show you more respect if you draw firm professional lines 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Ha, horn dog. . I think this is it right here... apparently I need to be more forthright in boundaries. Thought I was with the handshake but he needs a bigger message. And the other men on the crew don't act like this. Just him. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Im gen Y and never do this. Not if you want to be taken seriously. It depends on the generation, to an extent... Guys my age(late 40's ) and older dont really have much in the way of female friends..I have only had one in my entire life...She has worked for me for years...Very attractive, but only friends.. IME, the Millennials and younger are more inclined to co-mingle in a platonic way...The men have become more feminized and the women have become more masculinized so the blurring of the typical gender roles have made it less of an issue... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Are these women just brown nosing him, to get ahead/ get a promotion? This is what my ex co workers did to the new middle aged boss. They would completely brown nose him and hug him. Which he lived because my ex co workers are half his age. Ewwww Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I'm the only woman on the crew. The other women he interacts with are just around us while we work. He knows them very well. He doesn't want to be taken seriously, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary45 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 It can exist, but it shouldn't be sought. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts