Am I staying or leaving?

[Babeegirl]

My husband and I have separated, it was mutual. We decided this after we both thought that the space would give us a clear prospective on if each of us wanted to continue to try to make the marriage work. I left last sunday (9th) Yesterday he told me via text that He is trying to figure out the stimuli that is causing him to feel the way he does about our marriage and his inability to fix what's broken, he explains that he is angry and negative. It's hard for him to see the future while he is being negative about the past and present. He needs time, time to figure things out. If between now and then I decide that I am done, he wouldn't hold it against me, but I am not ready to throw in the towel and stop looking for answers. He also says that he feels like he is standing on a cliff surrounded by dense fog, not knowing if the next step leads to safety or falling of the cliff. He doesn't know what he needs and time is the only option that has light at the end of the tunnel. He is trying to figure out if he can put the pieces back together on his end.

 

 

I'm thoroughly confused as to what all that means. I'm not sure what, if anything that I should do.

 

 

The plot thickens as I explain the back story. If you have questions that I don't explain and it will help you to give me some advice, then by all means, ask away!!

 

 

We have been married 7 years. He is now 34, I am 41. No kids together, my children are grown and not living in the house now. I found out after we had been married 1 1/2 years that he had been having several affairs for the entire first 1 1/2 year of our marriage. There was 1 female that admitted everything. The other 9, I only had text messages and emails and a phone log to go off of, so I'm not clear on the extent of the others. But it was obvious that he was calling, texting, sexting, emailing, watching via web cam and IMing all of these girls. He says that because I seemed to be game with the idea of having a threesome while we were dating, that he thought that I would be ok with what he was doing. The female that would speak to me advised me that she did not know that I was unaware. She was married, her husband knew, my husband told her that I knew what was going on and that I was ok with him having a "Play Toy". Not true, I did express the curiosity of having a threesome, but I never once implied that it would be ok for either one of us to go off on our own, behind each others back and do this. I slightly believed and still do that I am partially at fault for this. After the dust settled, I decided to stay.

 

 

Over the last 5 1/2 years he has re opened the wound MULTIPLE times. But somehow, its always because of something that I said that made him think that his actions were justified. Example: We set up a anonymous profile on a social network. It was a naughty profile and we both posted naughty pics that we had found on the page, for each other. NOT OF each other. So I lose the password, create a second profile and go to look at OUR profile and find that he has posted a naked pic of himself. He explains it by saying that "you like amateur porn, so I thought that you would be ok with it, nobody knows who I am!" Wow! Did I really give him the impression that I would be ok with his post just because I said I like amateur porn!?

 

 

He says that I have all of his passwords for emails, phones, etc. However, when I have gone to check, he has changed the passwords and claims that he doesn't even remember what they are. The last time I tried to look at his emails, I of course had the wrong password and he called me and asked me if I was trying to get into his emails. I told him yes, of course he still can't remember the password. He had put notifications on his emails so that if the password was put in incorrectly, he would know about it. I feel like he really did this so that he would know when I tried to, because he obviously changed the password. A couple of months ago, I accidently left my cell phone at home, had to get my tires replaced. They broke a lug nut and I had to drive the car home before taking it to the shop. I asked him if I could have his cell phone, in case I got stranded on the way home. He refused. I thought it was strange. When I bring it up later, he tells me that he doesn't like feeling like I am always looking over his shoulder, and how would I feel if it was reversed. I believe that it was a diversion from why he wouldn't REALLY let me have his phone. I was driving down the road for 20 minutes, I couldn't have checked it, even if I wanted to!! I was driving!

 

 

He recently spoke to an old female high school friend, for 3 hours in one day. I tell him that it's not appropriate for a married man to talk to a female that is going through a divorce/separation from her husband for 3 hours!!!! And, it makes me uncomfortable. He says that he can't go through life not speaking to females and that we should meet because we have a lot in common. I understand what he is saying and agree with that. I am honestly not trying to be unreasonable, but I still don't feel that it was OK! I sent her a message and it was a nice message, (my philosophy is: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar) And she immediately starts sending him messages wanting to know if I am mad at her. He tells her it's ok, not to worry about it. I finished talking to her and I don't believe that anything was going on except for catching up, but I worry that had I let it continue that it would have progressed. He hasn't spoken to her since. Weird, if nothing really was going on.

 

 

For the last 2 1/2 months, he has literally been gone, every single day. After he got home from work, he would go shoot, or to his friends, or hunt. I went to dinner with my parents one night and decided to stay at their house. He was perfectly ok with it. He wasn't home anyway. He did not response to any of my texts, emails or phone calls until it was about 9:30pm. The next day, I decide that I am going to stay another night. He asks why and I explain that my brother is there and besides, he wouldn't be home anyway. So, I continue with explaining that he hasn't been home much for the last 2 months. He says that he has been stressed and that it relives his stress to go shoot and be with friends. He tells me that he has not been gone every night and that he is not just abandoning me because he has asked me if I want to go with him! He in fact HAS been gone every night, I had been keeping track of it. Nothing changes after the conversation, he continues to be absent. We discuss it before we actually decide to separate and he tells me that he felt like I was his mommy, giving him an ultimatum and he didn't like that. He took it as me saying that I was going to leave him, by staying the night at my moms because he wasn't home. So he continued to do what he was doing. Wow, I am not sure how I managed that, but maybe someone can tell me how I did?

 

 

Anyway, there is way more detail than what I have already stated, but I just can't sit here for 3 more hours (I tried to post something earlier and my session timed out and I lost EVERYTHING I typed, took me 3 hours! GGGRRRR!!) So, again, if I'm not clear on something, please ask me. I really am in desperate need of some sort of guidance on if I even need to wait until he is done "figuring things out".

 

 

Today is an ANGRY day for me, all I can think about is how he was able to cheat on me, then re open the wound so many times and I was able to see that if we worked on it that we could make the marriage work. And he is sitting here telling me that HE has to make sure that HE can put the pieces back together on his end!!!! I went through all of that heartache and put myself through hell for what? In the end, have him decide that this marriage isn't for him, because I'm still untrusting? Who can blame me?

 

 

I am ok with criticism, as long as it is constructive. I am not perfect, I've obviously made some mistakes, but I don't believe that they even remotely compare to the errors in judgment that he has made over the last 5 years. Please, come one, come all, join in and let me hear you!!!!

Thank you in advance.

[Mr. Lucky]

It might honestly be shorter for you to post the things he does that indicate he wants to be married to you. Nothing you've written supports that premise.

 

Why would you stay? You say you're not ready to throw in the towel - heck, by this time I would have pitched the entire linen closet. Right now you're simply allowing yourself to be victimized...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Babeegirl]

You are probably correct about me allowing this to happen…so I'm basically doing this to myself. I know I have made him seem like a bad person, but overall he is an intelligent, caring and reasonable man. He is also a genuinely good person, but he obviously struggles with these issues concerning me. Lets just say that if you were to meet him in person you would seeriously NOT believe the things that I'm saying. You just wouldn't believe that he would be capable if these things.

he loves me and really tries to show me that he does love me. He is not an overly affectionate person, but in his own way, he tries to do what he can to show me. However, these little things that keep popping up that are completely eating us alive. I believe him when he says he loves me, and I love him too. We just cant figure out how to get through this intact. I'm wondering if I'm foolish for even thinking that this will get better. Thank you for responding. I really appreciate it, sorry it was so long.

[Mr. Lucky]

You should think about whether you consider love to be a noun or a verb.

 

He may feel love for you.

 

However, none of the instances you cite indicate an active regard for your emotional well-being. Affairs, sexting, web-camming, gaslighting, poor boundaries and physical abandonment are not the foundations of a good marriage.

 

Have you considered that this may not be about you? He may be too broken to be in a healthy relationship with anybody...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Babeegirl]

Yes, I have considered that it might in fact notbe me at all. That this is possibly something within him that he either cannot or will not change. I was overwhelmingly saddened when I read your response. I am heartbroken over this and cant stand that there is a high probability that we cannot figure this out and make it right. I had someone else also mention that maybe he shouldn't be with anyone, due to his brokeness. Everyone deserves to be given a chance and I'm trying like hell to give him the opportunity to make it right. But now, it seems like he too can see that this just isn't right. What do I do now? Just go ahead and pull the trigger?

[Babeegirl]

And about whether I consider love a noun or a verb, I have honestly never thought of it that way. Now, I will have something to think about......it is food for thought, thank you for that.