I cheated, my gf and mistress found out and both still want me...

[Chronie87]

So this is my first post and I would like to start by saying that I am fully aware that I am a gigantic piece of ****. So, for anybody that may respond there is no need to tell me to go jump off a bridge or anything as this has already been considered. If my family didn't need me and I wasn't terrified of death I already would have.

With that out of the way here's the story...around the middle of July I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. I tried to self medicate with Xanax from the black market and this made things exponentially worse. Thankfully, I didn't hurt anyone (physically) or end up in jail. I did however start an affair with a coworker. I'm 26 and my coworker is 19. During this roughly week long breakdown, my coworker asked me and a friend to help her move. I agreed and told my gf about it, she was cool with it. Well, during the move this girl and I got very flirty and although nothing sexual happened the tension was ridiculous. Well my breakdown came to a head when my Xanax ran out ab a day later and I broke down crying in front of this girl. She was so sweet, understanding, and tried so hard to comfort me. Then in the midst of that she broke down and told me she has had this major thing for me for like a year and I then admitted that I had been attracted to her but never would have cheated. Well we decided to be friends.

 

So during this time I talked to my gf and told her I wanted to be able to have friends that were girls cause she had always been too overprotective and my coworker had been there for me when I was down. And we talked about my breakdown (which was related to the death of a close relative, my diagnosis with Crohn's disease and RA, and work stress of being a restaurant GM, and more).

 

I wasn't feeling very physically attracted to my gf anymore and it kind of seemed like she had lost her sex drive. Her and I just weren't communicating anymore it was like our relationship shut down.Well within a week of this talk the tension between me and my coworker turned into a full blown affair. And I started to fall for my "mistress". Well whatever small bit of a conscience I do have was eating away at me so I decided I was going to tell my gf. I planned to sit her down on a day we both had off work. 2 days before this she found incrimating txts on my phone and the whole thing exploded. She called the "mistress" and they got together and showed up at our(me and my gf) house to berate me.

 

So this was all very ugly I told them both everything and that I love both of them but I think I'm only "in love" with my gf. So i had already put in my notice at work not bc of this but bc I hated it. Well I still had to work with my "mistress" for weeks after this. I did everything not to schedule us together but seeing her was inevitable. And this fact destroyed my gf as it should have. I ended up sleeping with my mistress again even though my gf and I were trying to feel things out and stay together. I love my gf and now I feel like I have fallen for my "mistress" too. I fell awful everyday, I'm extremely depressed. I have stopped talking to mistress finally but only for ab 2 weeks and my gf thinks it's been over a month.

 

I really do not understand how or why my gf still loves me so much and still wants to be with me. And I cannot fathom why my "mistress" would still be so eager to be with me. She calls me a sociopath but says she likes it and if I ever "grow a pair" and break up with my gf she wants to try to date :-/...I don't know what the hell to do with myself, I don't know how to tell my gf that she's perfect and amazing and everything but I don't feel really attracted to her anymore (a lot of the reason I don't I think is bc she's just to good for me). Or if I should tell her or rather just stay with her and try to get over whatever the hell is wrong with me...

[me85]

Stop seeing both of them. You need to be single for at least 6 months.

[Chronie87]

I kind of feel like I would really rather be single forever not just 6 months...I don't think I'm meant to be in any kind of intimate personal relationship with other human beings. I just love my girlfriend so much. She's amazing, she's the only person I've ever met that I really genuinely believe cares more about others than herself. She's incapable of petty emotions. After she found out and both of them berated me she went on to say later that she didn't blame the mistress and understand her point of view and doesn't wish anything negative towards her...I have a hard time believing she's real. And because of this the thought of breaking her heart (again) makes me want to die. My family member that passed was my grandma and she loved my gf....

[Chronie87]

I don't know how to tell my gf that I'm completely broken and need to be alone...we live together, we have animals, our families are involved, I know I'm a coward but I guess I just came here looking for any advice I can get.

[me85]

If you truly love her then shape up or ship out. I mean, I don't think you truly love her like you think you do because you slept with the other girl after being found out and telling your gf you hadn't been involved with the other girl since.

 

You're only 26. You've got a pill problem. You're going through changes. Nothing is forever. You still have so many more life experiences to be had. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do better.

 

You don't deserve your gf and she deserves better than you. But because you know you can't be the guy she deserves you need to care enough for her to give her the chance to find someone who will be what she deserves. IMO.

 

People are human and make mistakes. We just can't keep making the same mistakes. Ultimately you're going to do what you want and people tend to do what is easiest for them but I think you should be bold. Be better than you've been. Be strong enough to be alone until you feel sorted out.

Edited November 21, 2014 by me85

[MrMeh]

You need to work on yourself before you wander off into a relationship. Being an emotional leech isn't fair to any partner.

 

Also, I don't think dating a girl who has a preference for sociopaths is a brilliant idea.

[Chronie87]

I don't have a pill problem, but thanks for that ur right ab the rest tho.

[me85]

I don't have a pill problem, but thanks for that ur right ab the rest tho.

 

Sorry. Thought I read you had a problem with Xanax.

[Chronie87]

It's cool I took some Xanax to try and quell a nervous breakdown but I really hate pills in general

[Chronie87]

"People are human and make mistakes. We just can't keep making the same mistakes. Ultimately you're going to do what you want and people tend to do what is easiest for them but I think you should be bold. Be better than you've been. Be strong enough to be alone until you feel sorted out."

Thank u I needed to hear that.

[Chronie87]

"Also, I don't think dating a girl who has a preference for sociopaths is a brilliant idea."

But if I am indeed a sociopath, then maybe I should try to stay with somebody that enjoys that...

[Lernaean_Hydra]

"Also, I don't think dating a girl who has a preference for sociopaths is a brilliant idea."

But if I am indeed a sociopath, then maybe I should try to stay with somebody that enjoys that...

 

You're not a sociopath, you're just selfish and have poor coping skills. If you were a sociopath you wouldn't even be on here asking these questions in the first place. But even if you were no, it's probably not a good idea to be with someone who enjoys wildly unhealthy behaviors and negative traits because it only further encourages their anti-social behavior.

[Chronie87]

Yea I hate the human race in general but I'm probably not a sociopath as u pointed out. How do I tell my gf as she is also my best friend...

[me85]

Tell her you love and care for her and that she deserves better. Pure and simple. Tell her you're afraid you may not ever do right by her. Because I think that's how you really feel deep down. .

[Chronie87]

Strange that I'm so selfish and narcissistic yet hate myself completely...I wanted to talk to my gf ab this stuff last week but her cat ran away. She loves that thing as much as she does me...our lives suck miserably bc of me kind of feel like just hitch hiking to San Diego or someplace with nice weather to be homeless

[elaine567]

You have to be honest with both of them, no point in you staying with your gf. as you, at only 26, are no longer attracted to her, and I may be wrong but I do not think you feel your "mistress" is gf material.

 

So stop stringing them along, they do not really deserve it, and go find yourself a girl who you ARE attracted to and who is also good to you too.

[Chronie87]

This has me so depressed...I have stopped showering, can't tell ya the last time I brushed my teeth, I'm not really eating, I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram, May have left my house 4 times since nov. 1st

[veryhappy]

Start brushing your teeth and find a job that allows you to see a therapist. Then figure out why you don't want the amazing gf you have because there's a reason.

 

 

Take it as a lesson to not cheat in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your girlfriend is still there because you're still lying to her. She doesn't know you cheated yet again, does she? She believes you to be someone you're not.

 

Break up with her. She deserves someone who truly loves her (I'm sorry, but I don't think you have any idea what love is.) You deserve to be with someone you're actually into. I don't think it's either of these girls. I also believe both you and your girlfriend are confusing love and codependency. Not the same thing.

 

No more pitying yourself. Schedule an appointment with a therapist. Your views about the human race and waiting to be homeless point to much more serious problems. It is extremely unfair of you to project those problems onto these girls. Be single and work on yourself. Let them both go so they can find someone who understands love enough to stay faithful.

 

The pain you are feeling is valid. But I promise you it's nowhere near the level of emotional trauma you've caused your girlfriend.

Edited November 21, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Justanaverageguy]

Your girlfriend is still there because you're still lying to her. She doesn't know you cheated yet again, does she? She believes you to be someone you're not.

 

Wrong - the girlfriend knows about the original cheating and still hung around. At the moment she is only still there because she has built up an attachment bond to him which she has thus far been unable to break. This is pretty normal behavior for people who are cheated on ..... read the forums to see how this happens in the majority of cases. People think partners will immediately leave you when they find out you cheated on them. The more common behavior is actually for them to do every thing in their power to try and save the relationship - often even crying and begging for you not to leave.

 

But let me tell you something .... people in this position have a very limited window in which they stay in this mindset and are willing to forgive the infidelity and move past it. After a period of time if you have not got your **** in order and made real strides to try and fix the relationship .... they quickly switch to walking away. And in most cases once that switch happens from wanting to save the relationship to moving on - Its normally permanent.

 

So if you want to save whats left of your relationship - stop moping around the house and acting like a sad sack of ****, stop cheating on her and then start acting like a human being again. You have control of your actions and emotions so stop blaming pills, deaths of family members or the way the wind was blowing the day you cheated for your actions. Make a choice today to take responsibility for how you act and what you do. Let me tell you if you don't your girlfriend will be long gone.

[smackie9]

If you needed to have these two women, then each of them lacked something that the other has. Your mistress is insecure crack pot, and your GF is a doormat. They lack the substance you need to be fulfilled in a relationship. I agree with the others you need to step away, reassess, and go find yourself. Drop having relationships, and just date others, have fun, sew your oats. Maybe after a few years you will finally figure out what you want in life, and you will be ready to commit to someone.

[Maleficent]

you are clearly not in a relationship frame of mind.

 

Be single for as long as it takes you to heal that breakdown. And no self-medication. Go see a doctor!

[Chronie87]

When people say that bc u cheated you don't love someone I think they are crazy...I know that I love my gf. Honestly they are both amazing ppl but the last post was right my gf can be a doormat for me. I don't really think she would ever break up with me. I'm pretty sure if I came to her if have to convince her I was a serial killer for her to leave me. So ill def have to do the breaking up. And the "mistress" is crazy and has serious abandonment issues but honestly the reason I think it kept going back was that the sex was the best id ever had. Actually thinking I'm a sex addict a bit if that's a real thing.

 

I have thought ab therapy tried once bf and it didn't go well at all. It was expensive and it turned out the lady was like a Jesus based therapist and im an atheist. Honestly after we talked twice I could tell that she was done with me. I think I was depressing the therapist. I feel like a "single serving" boyfriend if anybody has seen fight club I need to find some girls that can just use me for sex or personal gain and move on.

[Chronie87]

Also as far as seeing a doc or therapist I have a serious distrust for doctors and the medical community in general since being diagnosed with Crohn's disease. The meds they have tried to force on me are outrageous, chemo drugs, immunomodulators, steroids, pain pills, muscle relaxers, anti anxiety, anti emetic, and on and on. And any of them that I tried made things worse...doctors are money grubbing drug dealing whores these days.

[simsim]

lol, i'm dating someone EXACTLY like you. dramatic, self-pitying, unable to take responsibility for your actions/feelings, self medicating instead of actually finding constructive ways to deal with your problems.

 

you're not a precious snowflake. a lot of people have your kind of mental issues. you probably should be on some kind of antidepressant. PLEASE break up with your girlfriend. if you really cared about her, you would. it's obvious you don't respect her.