First days without my toddler, how to adjust?!

[jakrbbt]

I am the mother of a sweet, mellow, normal 19-month old boy. I breastfed for his first year, and was the parent who spent the overwhelming majority of time with him during the short marriage. I was (and still am) the parent who does all the child-rearing tasks as well.

 

Last month, my h and I separated and he filed for divorce. After some uncomfortable back-and-forth, we agreed on a temporary parenting plan where I have our child four nights per week, he has him three. It's split up so our toddler doesn't go more than a couple days without seeing each of us.

 

How I hate the days without my son. I am having a very hard time coping. Does it get any better? One of the issues I guess, is that he's still so young.

 

Another reason it's hard is that I worry about him while in his dad's care. My husband was severely emotionally abusive to me, he has no job, is no place to live after this month that I know of (I've been paying his rent, he may stay with a friend), and has always been very secretive and defensive about his interactions with our son. He comes from a physically and emotionally abusive family. He has completely retracted his former rebellion from his parents, and is now desperate for some reason to get back into his family's good graces-- so I fear that our son will be raised by them, in their abusive manner. I don't think anyone has physically abused our son, if I did think so then of course I'd call the police. But I feel even worse on the days my son isn't here, because he's not with a parent I trust, and he's not in an environment that I trust as emotionally healthy.

 

Of course I am bringing up concerns with my lawyer, who is very skilled. But just as a parenting matter, and a coping matter, how do I cope with all these days without my son? Will it get better, and feel normal? Will I still be as much his mommy? Anyone out there grow up with a good parent who only had them a little more than half the time? Was it OK?

[juicygirl]

Stop panicking.

 

You're ex is a grown man and no longer your responsabilty. You have to trust that he'll make his own living arrange. It's not unreasonable to ask for an address of where he'll be when he has your son, in case of an emergency.

 

Keep busy when the baby is gone and enjoy the moment of free time you get.

[BlueIris]

But just as a parenting matter, and a coping matter, how do I cope with all these days without my son?

Stay busy and do some self-indulging things that you can't do while he's with you like the long, perfumed baths with music playing, long meditations, napping, drinks with girlfriends, going to movies.

 

Will it get better, and feel normal?

Probably. It did for me but it took a couple of years. Eventually, when my ex cancelled parenting time here and there it ticked me off- so rude, disrupting to everyone.

 

Edited to add: One time he cancelled and the universe and gods had aligned to smack him for me. The karma…. Oh, how I loved telling him that I was annoyed that he was cancelling because I was going to have to cancel my dinner date, with the CFO of the corporation he worked for. Hope that made you laugh.

 

Will I still be as much his mommy?

Forever and ever and nothing can touch that.

Edited November 24, 2014 by BlueIris

[preraph]

Well, how did you fill your day before you got married and had the baby? Surely you had interests you can now go back to. If not, get busy starting a new hobby. Your newfound freedom should be a good thing, not a bad thing. Use it doing things you were able to do before becoming a mom. Catch up with your single girlfriends.

[jakrbbt]

Stay busy and do some self-indulging things that you can't do while he's with you like the long, perfumed baths with music playing, long meditations, napping, drinks with girlfriends, going to movies.

 

 

Probably. It did for me but it took a couple of years. Eventually, when my ex cancelled parenting time here and there it ticked me off- so rude, disrupting to everyone.

 

Edited to add: One time he cancelled and the universe and gods had aligned to smack him for me. The karma…. Oh, how I loved telling him that I was annoyed that he was cancelling because I was going to have to cancel my dinner date, with the CFO of the corporation he worked for. Hope that made you laugh.

 

 

Forever and ever and nothing can touch that.

 

This is endlessly reassuring to me, thank you.