He's pushed me away, and I'm used to it, but now he wants me back! I need help!

[FolderWife]

I love my husband. I love to be around my husband...

 

but...

 

He has this bad habbit of nit picking. If I say something that he deems the wrong thing to say, he hounds me over it, until I say enough of the wrong thing so he can yell at me over it. Or, if I automatically apologize for saying "the wrong thing" he will cuss me and leave.

 

So I've learned to just not say anything. When he plays his video game he is very impatient...so he WON'T talk to me. If I try to talk to him while he's playing a game, he smarts off to me and hurts my feelings.

 

So if he's playing his game, I will go downstairs and watch tv.

 

Recently, he'd come downstairs and watch tv with me. It worked out great, for some reason, because he was always nice and polite, and he didn't jump all over me for saying something he didn't like.

 

The other day, he stopped coming downstairs to watch tv with me. We always go to bed together, and I heard him go to bed, so I went upstairs and went to bed. I started to say something, and he very nicely said, "Don't talk to me." I said, "Why?" He said, "You didn't want to talk to me this evening, you'd rather have watched tv, so don't talk to me now when I'm trying to sleep."

 

He didn't say it rude, he said it matter of fact. So I didn't talk to him. The next day, it was as if it didn't happen. I came home, and went and sat where he was playing his video game, and he didn't say anything to me...didn't even look at me. So after five minutes of watching him play that video game, I got up to go downstairs. He said, "Why do you come up here and not say anything!?" I said, "You're playing your game...I just watched for a minute." He said, "Whatever...go back to your tv."

 

So I did.

 

I can't figure him out! He acts like he's getting upset that I won't leave my tv long enough to spend time with him, but whenever I make an effort, he snaps at me. I'm used to him snapping at me whenever I am in HIS space, but now he's snapping at me for not spending time with him. I can't figure out what he wants. He's rude to me when I am around him, but then gets upset when I don't want to be around him

 

He's great when he comes downstairs and watches tv with me, but when I try to watch tv with him, or sit with him while he plays his game, he's not happy, and he doesn't talk to me, and he acts annoyed at my presence. But if I don't sit with him and let him be mean to me, he gets upset. But he's fine if he comes to where I'M at.

 

And I'm fine with leaving him alone while he is in his space. I don't mind him joining me in my space when he's ready. So why is he getting upset? I'm so confused

[SadAndLonely]

The only things I could say would be derogatory to your husband, because honestly, he sounds like an ass. And it seems like you know that, but put up with it anyway. I envy your patience, because I couldn't put up with that kind of abuse. Yes, I said abuse. Cursing at someone and treating them the way he treats you is abusive. I don't care how great he is the rest of the time to you.

[JadeStar]

Its an abusive and controling type of situation. He has the upper hand and hes seems to be very immature. I understand you love him and all, but is it something you think is a workable situation? If so maybe get into some counseling. Good luck to you.

[jmargel]

Monday if that is your pic, you are a cutie!

 

You two have communication problems and honestly it sounds like you are acting like kids here. Have you two gone to MC? I think it would benefit you both, greatly.

 

How about doing things together? Even if it's just going for a walk.

[Mz. Pixie]

Monday, didn't you post that you guys had alot of sexual issues too? Didn't he have nude pictures of you in his car???

 

If this is you, I think you guys badly need MC to save the marriage.

[NiCoLe20]

i would come home and jump on him and start kissing him like crazy.... if he bugs out about that- then theres definitley somehitng wrong!!

[moimeme]

Apparently, he expects you to read his mind and learn what he wants that way. Make him his favourite dinner or otherwise catch him in a good mood and then start a conversation in which you tell him you would like to spend time with him but you felt he preferred not to be disturbed while playing his game and that's why you watch TV. Tell him that you don't want him to feel he's being ignored at all. It sounds like you both have a disconnect about when one or the other wants alone time. Couples need to negotiate things like this.

 

I agree that MC might help but it seems to me he never did agree to see a counsellor. He had a rotten life as a kid and it seems that makes people controlling. Some get violently angry as part of that though it seems yours is more noise than anything else.

 

It's not uncommon to find yourself walking on eggshells when dealing with someone like this. You need to constantly 'prove' that you're 'on his side' and that you do care. And they are extremely quick to take offense. It's not a fun way to live, for sure.

[Mr Spock]

Baby, you've married a selfish a**h*** and now you're stuck with him. He clearly expected you to take the sign of him coming to sit with you as the sign of love and affection is was so OBVIOUSLY was (major eye rolling)

 

 

 

 

and he very nicely said, "Don't talk to me." I said, "Why?" He said, "You didn't want to talk to me this evening, you'd rather have watched tv, so don't talk to me now when I'm trying to sleep."

 

This is pure evil. I can tell someone that I hope they die and maggots feast on their corpse and that their children get hit by a semi a la stephen king and I can do it nicely.

 

Monday, if you're going to stay with this guy PLEASE at least do a couple of the following things.

 

 

1. Take the power back. The only way this is going to happen is if you stop caring about what the hell he's doing.

 

2. Find a REAL counsellor. Not one who's church related. They just aren't trained enough, if God wanted divorce to be forbidden he wouldn't have allowed mankind to create lawyers.

 

3. Create your own life. I mean it. Enrich yourself. Take a pottery class, art class, anything that stimulates you. Video games and T.V. are for people with no imagination. Do something at home. Garden.

 

4. You love your husband, with all his faults and that's GOOD. But you do happen to love a selfish a**h*** who never puts your needs first. I am aware of your history together, and I'm telling you he is a. selfish. jerk. You're obviously operating in a mature relationship while he is still treating you like a stupid nagging 18 year old girlfriend.

 

5. You have to stop acting like he is the be all and end all of your day. When you want something from someone, and they with hold it (in this case a normal loving husband) that gives them POWER over you. He knows he is an ass. That's why he expected you to drop everything you were doing and gush with gratitude that he put down his very important video game and came up to sit with you. I'm sure he feels that you should have been so grateful you should have responded with a blow job.

 

 

6. Give it a year Monday, with real attempts at marriage counselling.(no damn church!!) A year to get better. If it doesn't, you should leave.

[RecordProducer]

Monday, your husband is a very difficult man and you don't sound like a good couple. My only advice is: don't get pregnant until you're sure you want to stay with him.

[9Lives]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Baby, you've married a selfish a**h*** and now you're stuck with him. He clearly expected you to take the sign of him coming to sit with you as the sign of love and affection is was so OBVIOUSLY was (major eye rolling)

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is pure evil. I can tell someone that I hope they die and maggots feast on their corpse and that their children get hit by a semi a la stephen king and I can do it nicely.

 

Monday, if you're going to stay with this guy PLEASE at least do a couple of the following things.

 

 

1. Take the power back. The only way this is going to happen is if you stop caring about what the hell he's doing.

 

2. Find a REAL counsellor. Not one who's church related. They just aren't trained enough, if God wanted divorce to be forbidden he wouldn't have allowed mankind to create lawyers.

 

3. Create your own life. I mean it. Enrich yourself. Take a pottery class, art class, anything that stimulates you. Video games and T.V. are for people with no imagination. Do something at home. Garden.

 

4. You love your husband, with all his faults and that's GOOD. But you do happen to love a selfish a**h*** who never puts your needs first. I am aware of your history together, and I'm telling you he is a. selfish. jerk. You're obviously operating in a mature relationship while he is still treating you like a stupid nagging 18 year old girlfriend.

 

5. You have to stop acting like he is the be all and end all of your day. When you want something from someone, and they with hold it (in this case a normal loving husband) that gives them POWER over you. He knows he is an ass. That's why he expected you to drop everything you were doing and gush with gratitude that he put down his very important video game and came up to sit with you. I'm sure he feels that you should have been so grateful you should have responded with a blow job.

 

 

6. Give it a year Monday, with real attempts at marriage counselling.(no damn church!!) A year to get better. If it doesn't, you should leave.

 

 

 

That was fabulous advice.

 

but I do support church couseling too.

[quankanne]

sounds like you need to use child psychology on the guy, especially when he blows hot and cold about his need for your attention.

 

I like Moi's suggestion best, to create a non-threatening environment then tell him that while you enjoy spending time with him you understand that he doesn't like to be distracted at times, so you leave him be. It doesn't mean you love him any less (which I think his behavior suggests) but that you're showing respect for his needs. Lay down ground rules and stick with them. He or you can be upset or angry about something, but you've got to fight fair; if one of you needs space, the other one doesn't resent it; and so on and so forth. Sometimes, though, you've got to be the adult in the relationship, and apply child psychology as needed (like when other means fail).

 

~~~~

I read a really good article in a woman's magazine, which includes a list o "basic rights" to expect in a relationship; I'll post in a bit.