grad Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Hi all, I'm in grad school and it's been a few months and i got to know another student in my program and I find that I can't stop thinking about him. I know I'm really infatuated. The problem is I'm happily married to an amazing man and have no idea why i'm so infatutated with this other guy. He's also married. Anytime I'm around him the feelings intensify and the next few days he's all I think about. The other problem is that I can't 'stay away' from him since he's in all of my classes and we have to work together for the next couple of years... I'm stuck! Please give me any good advice to get over this. It's becoming more of an annoyance than anything else. I'm afraid if this keeps on, I will end up doing something i regret and ruin both my marriage and a really great friendship and work relationship with this other guy... not to mention ruin his marriage too... Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Don't spend any alone time with him. Tell your DH about your attraction. Bringing it to light and out of the darkness will help you./ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 If you are happily married then you just need to look on this as an attraction - that's it - don't allow yourself to think of it as a possibility, or as anything other than what it is - fancying someone. I would absolutely not allow yourself to develop any "connection" with him in the sense of keeping your interactions with him to the minimum of what they need to be - and based around nothing other than your school work. You will confuse the hell out of yourself if you do anything else - ie start getting really friendly with him, coffees, conversation etc - there's plenty of us on here that have gone down that route thinking that each little step is harmless - they are not and will totally lead to what you're scared of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grad Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Does anyone have any recommendations on what I can do/say or even think when I'm around him to help lessen the feelings? I know most of it is physical attraction - the way he smells, his height, his voice, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me. He's also intelligent and we have a lot in common. He's also different in so many ways which intrigues me even more. I hate how intense this all is. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Does anyone have any recommendations on what I can do/say or even think when I'm around him to help lessen the feelings? I know most of it is physical attraction - the way he smells, his height, his voice, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me. He's also intelligent and we have a lot in common. He's also different in so many ways which intrigues me even more. I hate how intense this all is. Remove yourself from the situation. If you say you don't want to cheat. Then don't!!! Isn't it really that just simple? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) Start by giving your marriage the time and attention that it needs. When you know you have a good man at home and know the cost of ruining your marriage, teaching technique to get away from a man you know nothing about, goes out the window! Edited November 21, 2014 by Lovemesomehim error in spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Tell your husband and introduce the two of them. As soon as it is out in the open - and can be joked about - the sooner the feelings will dissipate and be deflated. The longer you keep it a secret, the more it will build. Let it out in the open, and it will diffuse on its own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Hi all, I'm in grad school and it's been a few months and i got to know another student in my program and I find that I can't stop thinking about him. I know I'm really infatuated. The problem is I'm happily married to an amazing man and have no idea why i'm so infatutated with this other guy. He's also married. Anytime I'm around him the feelings intensify and the next few days he's all I think about. The other problem is that I can't 'stay away' from him since he's in all of my classes and we have to work together for the next couple of years... I'm stuck! Please give me any good advice to get over this. It's becoming more of an annoyance than anything else. I'm afraid if this keeps on, I will end up doing something i regret and ruin both my marriage and a really great friendship and work relationship with this other guy... not to mention ruin his marriage too... Cut the friendship out of the equation. Keep it light and professional, stay away from him. Tell your husband about your crush, that will kill it quickly. Focus on your H, go on dates and have fun. Remember what is at risk, your WHOLE life as you know it, is flirting and lusting after another married man worth throwing away everything you love? Get strong boundaries. NOTHING will happen if you stop investing and paying attention to this other man. Nobody is holding a gun to your head here, nobody is forcing you to think of this guy. Make yourself stop. Transfer out of the class if need be and whatever you do, DO NOT tell that guy about how you feel! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Does anyone have any recommendations on what I can do/say or even think when I'm around him to help lessen the feelings? I know most of it is physical attraction - the way he smells, his height, his voice, the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me. He's also intelligent and we have a lot in common. He's also different in so many ways which intrigues me even more. I hate how intense this all is. You're feeding it by allowing yourself to 'take it all in'. You're paying attention to him, how he makes you feel, how he smells. He's distracting you from classes and your work. He is the enemy, stop any friendship, stop chatting with him. Imagine if your H was getting too close and cozy to another woman, how would you feel? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Two_cats_in_the_yard Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Hi grad, I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing this. I've been in this situation a couple years ago. However, it went a lot further than the point you seem to be at right now. In my case, it started with having to interact with him daily (at work), led to talking on a personal level, exchange of phone numbers, going to lunch together.. and so on. In my experience, these feelings can cause things to escalate, sometimes quickly. If you want to stay with your husband, I would have to agree that you should tell him about your attraction. Bring it to the light.. no secrets. Just because he's in your classes doesn't necessarily mean that you have to interact. If you do, then keep it strictly professional. I know it's hard but you have to think of your current relationship with your husband and what it would mean in the long-term if you followed through with those feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Tell your husband and introduce the two of them. As soon as it is out in the open - and can be joked about - the sooner the feelings will dissipate and be deflated. The longer you keep it a secret, the more it will build. Let it out in the open, and it will diffuse on its own. Or suggest the four of you - his wife, and your husband - go out to dinner or something? Not sure if that might open a whole can of worms as I know some people still cheat within their "inner circle" but if all parties know each other it might make it a hell of a lot worse and if you meet the wife then you can use the visual of her in your head the whole time! Link to post Share on other sites
Vices-Virtues Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 This may sound silly, but when you're around that guy or start to think of him just pull out a picture of yor husband and look at him or text your husband, basically do something that involves yor husband so your attention will be on your darling and not the other guy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 It's normal to be attracted to other people over your lifetime and throughout your marriage. It is what you do about it that defines your character. You just need to shore up your boundaries, erring on the side of the conservative. For example, if he ask you out for coffee, politely decline even if you think there is nothing wrong with going for coffee. Think of it as a sign of respect toward your husband. Also you really don't know what he thinks of you. He might not be interested at all , feeling very much married to and committed to his wife. If, on the other hand, it seems like he is into you and pursuing you, just remember he is doing that because he thinks you are the type to respond to such advances. That is an insult, not a compliment. If you get into an affair situation with this guy, you will be "that girl" for the rest of your life. So many people come on here and try to convince the world that they are good people besides that "one little thing." It is not like being a "good" person except for that one time you swiped a pack of gum from the drugstore. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do. Even if you're never caught (chances are you will be) the experience stays with you and makes you feel "less than" for a very, very long time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author grad Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Hey all, thanks for the advice and comments. They are really helpful. It's helpful to hear what others have to say about it and it keeps things in perspective. I told my husband about him when I first started the program and he knows how I feel. He just doesn't know that it has grown instead of gone away... I've also met this other guys wife and we've hung out with them in social gatherings after school, and this hasn't helped... I appreciate the different approaches and perspectives. If anyone else has any other suggestions please let me know... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Hey all, thanks for the advice and comments. They are really helpful. It's helpful to hear what others have to say about it and it keeps things in perspective. I told my husband about him when I first started the program and he knows how I feel. He just doesn't know that it has grown instead of gone away... I've also met this other guys wife and we've hung out with them in social gatherings after school, and this hasn't helped... I appreciate the different approaches and perspectives. If anyone else has any other suggestions please let me know... I'm sure you have other friends you can socialize with, so stop that kind of contact with him and his wife. All it's doing is feeding your fire for him. Your H doesn't know that you're "this close" to the line of cheating. You've not told him how much you're lusting after this guy. If you want your marriage to stay as it is, you MUST stop hanging out and talking to this other guy. Even if it hurts or pains you, stop investing in him..And that includes stop thinking about him, fantasizing too. It's doing damage to what you feel towards your husband. Crushes are innocent and don't interfer with a marriage. Yours is dangerous because it seems there are feelings there too, not just sexual and you're getting too used to how this guy makes you feel when you're around him. How about tell your husband about this thread, show it to him and then see how you feel about it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grad Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Why do you think that showing this thread to my husband will stop how i feel? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Why do you think that showing this thread to my husband will stop how i feel? Well, if you stumbled across your husband typing out stuff like this about another woman, wouldn't you feel hurt? Concerned? Want to try to reconnect and make sure he has nothing to worry about, that he can trust you? You yourself have said that you're tempted, like you wouldn't be able to control yourself, allowing something to happen there. Your H will hold you accountable. Then again, you have to WANT to stop investing in this guy. You have to want to stop this, avoiding him at at all costs. This is more than a crush. Fact is, you've met his wife and still into him...That hasn't stopped your feelings, or sexual desire. Do you have children? Does he? Link to post Share on other sites
Author grad Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 No, neither one of us has children. You are right, I have indulged too much in my own head about this. Even though I have no idea how he feels, I've been too tempted to find out. But these warnings have certainly found their place in my head. I think the thing that spoke to me the most (other than not wanting to hurt my hubby) is that I will always be 'the other woman' and I don't want to ruin my own self-respect, not to mention my respect professionally... It's just hard to apply that logic to emotions that are growing so strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 No, neither one of us has children. You are right, I have indulged too much in my own head about this. Even though I have no idea how he feels, I've been too tempted to find out. But these warnings have certainly found their place in my head. I think the thing that spoke to me the most (other than not wanting to hurt my hubby) is that I will always be 'the other woman' and I don't want to ruin my own self-respect, not to mention my respect professionally... It's just hard to apply that logic to emotions that are growing so strongly. DO NOT ask him how he feels. You're allowing your emotions to grow. You have to stop, even if you don't want to... For the reasons you listed already (in bold). Get busy and spend time with your husband, bonding with him and your other women friends. Stay away from this other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 You need to diffuse this crush by focusing on something about him that would turn you off in a normal situation. No one person is perfect, you need to find this thing about him so he no longer is this "dream guy" for you. Use this to bring him down to a level that you wouldn't fantasize about him. Your H is a wonderful person, so say your H is a handyman and doesn't mind getting dirty to get the job done, and your friend is not, then it remnds you that you're married to the guy of your dreams... something along those lines. As a long term OW, I can guarantee this is a very hard road to travel. You are happy with the man you married and you know how an A can destroy relationships and lives for those involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 It's all about self control. You recognize you are weak around him, so you have to be even more aware of boundaries. Distance yourself. Your marriage is something that should be protected and respected. By letting your mind "go there" and acting helpless, like you won't be able to control yourself, you are disrespecting your marriage, and your husband. We teach two year olds that they can't act on their feelings. So a grown adult woman is completely capable of not having an affair, even if he's a smart tall guy who smells good and has a sexy voice. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Attraction is normal...unfortunately marriage doesn't safe guard your heart but just downplay it ...don't feed into it. He's attractive so what? You don't know his bad characteristics...every one's got a dark side. Just simply downplay and keep some distance. Google too how to avoid. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Make rules for yourself so that you don't trap yourself into doing exactly what you want. For ex, don't go anywhere with him, don't invite him out or accept an invitation, no matter how innocent it might look. Spend more time with your husband and tell him this has grown. Tell him you need his help overcoming this. Learn together how to prevent an affair from occurring. Who knows? Maybe he needs to learn the same things you do! Link to post Share on other sites
Author grad Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 Hey all, so I just talked to my husband about this. I told him my feelings are growing and I'm feeling tempted. He understood and was being very supportive. He helped me process why I'm feeling this way. I'm in a vulnerable time in my life right now and this could be why I have such strong feelings for another person. My husband and I also haven't been as close lately. Hopefully focusing more on him, especially with the holidays coming up will be helpful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Hey all, so I just talked to my husband about this. I told him my feelings are growing and I'm feeling tempted. He understood and was being very supportive. He helped me process why I'm feeling this way. I'm in a vulnerable time in my life right now and this could be why I have such strong feelings for another person. My husband and I also haven't been as close lately. Hopefully focusing more on him, especially with the holidays coming up will be helpful. Wow. Kudos to you! I hope that sets you back on a healthier path. Well done! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts