Why do some fathers sexually abuse their own daughters?

[Mizz Layta]

I remember one day when I was 18 and still living at home my dad was going to take a shower and he asked me to come and rub his back in the shower.

 

I was shocked and in disbilave and said !He then said it doesn't matter I want to you rub my back while I take a shower.I refused then he started begging me but I stood my ground and said no. It got to a point were I wasn't comfortable being alone with him in the house

 

Years later when my sister was suspndd from school which means she had to sleep in and no longer wakes up early with us to go to school. She was alone sleeping and apparently my dad went in and lay down beside her and started touching her inappropriately .She then leave the house and she reported him to the student services and the cops was called to question his behaviour. He denied it ofcourse and nothing could be done since there was no evidence. I am now living on my own and I don't keep in touch with my father

 

Why do some fathers do this,Is it mental illness?

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you grew up with that. I guess there's no easy answer, but adults who molest were usually molested themselves as a child, so it becomes a cycle. Because they were molested, sometimes to deal with the betrayal of their parent, they tell themselves it's not all that unusual, etc. The victim's earliest sexualization is very powerful and so sometimes you will see a victim who was abused at 10 years old begin to abuse his offspring when they reach 10 years old.

 

You will have to keep your father away from all grandchildren and report any time he spends with any friends' children, etc. to child protective services. With your collaborating testimony that he tried to lure you into the shower, if the statute of limitations hasn't passed, there's a chance you could help your sister's case. The statute is different in every state, but many states have extended it way out so these cases can be prosecuted. Also, it's possible your local district attorney might be more willing to prosecute now then whoever was in the position then.

 

Bravo to you for standing up to your father and having the guts to refuse! I know that is very hard to do.

[me85]

I am very sorry. I was molested by a family member as a young child. For many years I never told anyone. In 6th or 7th grade I told my best friend and a grandmother (who didn't believe me) and later in my life in my 20's got drunk with 2 of my serious boyfriends and told them. Only one person in my family knows and that's my mom who I just told a year ago. That's a total of 5 people in my whole life that I've ever told. It happen when I was 6/7. I'm now 29. By the grace of God, I grew up without ever having to be institutionalized. Though at about 16 I probably should've been. I started having panic attacks and lots of social anxiety. I'm certain I had a nervous breakdown. I suffered a great deal all throughout my childhood so it was no wonder I had a mental breakdown.

 

Evil exists all over the world and comes in many forms. There's not a harsh enough punishment for someone who abuses a child.

 

I'm happy you were able to protect yourself. Good for you. God Bless!

Edited November 21, 2014 by me85

[StalwartMind]

It most certainly is one of the most horrific experiences a child can go through, as it can completely shatter their world and view on others forever. Like said, one of the reasons those people may abuse a child, could be because they were molested as a child themselves .

 

While growing up I've thankfully never had to deal with such and at least to my knowledge nor did anyone around me. It wasn't until my early twenties a female friend of mine i met, told me, she was molested by her grandpa as a child, but her parents didn't do anything about it or believe her for that matter.

 

There is no doubt one of the most evil acts a human can do, is exploit and abuse a non fully developed mind of another person, even at the age of 18.

 

This may be a pretty cynical view but it reminded me of this post I saw on Humans of New York once, about a guy and his first memory.

 

""My first memory was when I was three years old. My dad set me up on the dresser, and said: ‘Jump to daddy!’ Then he let me fall and said, ‘Don’t trust anyone.’ He was twisted like that. I’m pretty sure that’s why I’m a loner."

 

Link/Source: Humans of New York

 

Regardless of that being a bit of a possibly questionable thing to do to your child, there most certainly is some truth to it as well as value to be found. In essence you really need to be cautious about anyone and anything in this world, even the people most close to you.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Because they are vile, disgusting beings.

 

My BIL is a child molester. (husband's sister's husband) And has no remorse and his wife still stays with the *******. And my MIL allows him to come around the family gatherings and I am SO glad we do not live nearby.

[BikerAccnt]

To answer your question - I do think it is a mental illness of a sort. I can see no other reason why one would hurt their own child so badly.

 

 

I was lucky to have very good parents, I'm sorry you had to go thru that.

[Priv]

I would say some twisted, malformed way of viewing platonic and romantic love for their child. And alcohol...

[Taramere]

Why do some fathers do this,Is it mental illness?

 

I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you.

 

I think in a lot of cases, as people say, they're repeating a pattern they learned in childhood....and I second what Priv says about alcohol. Never underestimate its power to lower people's inhibitions to the point where they behave in terrible ways.

 

There are also some people who, sadly, regard their children as their property - and believe they can do whatever they like to them. It's a very narcissistic outlook, and I don't think the people who think like that can be changed. Their actions can perhaps be controlled via monitoring and the application of strict laws, but I don't think their basic belief of "this is my child and I get to do whatever I want to them" can be changed.

[youdunsay]

What they lack of, as I observed, is Mind Control.

 

It seems there are some men over 40s start acting weird. They either find some mistress or taking liberties. What they failed to do, was to assess their own behaviour and their thoughts. Letting their mind wanders too far, not reflecting upon their own actions and not setting rules on themselves.

 

They should have realized these romantic platonic era is over and they should

(a) rekindle relationship with their wives and/or

(b) practise zen.

 

If they got on the path of adultery, good luck, their grown-up children would disown him and so would his wife. Since they are idle, they should self reflect and think of other meaningful things to do in life, such as climbing mountains to visit Mayan settlement, joining walkathons or participating in community work.

 

Don't blame alcohol. Mind over body, blame upon themselves.

[newmoon]

To answer your question - I do think it is a mental illness of a sort. I can see no other reason why one would hurt their own child so badly.

 

 

I was lucky to have very good parents, I'm sorry you had to go thru that.

 

it stems from a mental illness of some sort, yes, as "normal" men and women don't have these urges towards children, especially their own

[yxalitis]

You're asking a question as if in expectation of a meaningful reply..

hint* there isn't one.

You might as well ask "Why do bad people exist"

 

People do things for as many reasons as there are people on the planet, trying to get some sort of global answer to account for extreme human behaviour is impossible.

[whichwayisup]

I remember one day when I was 18 and still living at home my dad was going to take a shower and he asked me to come and rub his back in the shower.

 

I was shocked and in disbilave and said !He then said it doesn't matter I want to you rub my back while I take a shower.I refused then he started begging me but I stood my ground and said no. It got to a point were I wasn't comfortable being alone with him in the house

 

Years later when my sister was suspndd from school which means she had to sleep in and no longer wakes up early with us to go to school. She was alone sleeping and apparently my dad went in and lay down beside her and started touching her inappropriately .She then leave the house and she reported him to the student services and the cops was called to question his behaviour. He denied it ofcourse and nothing could be done since there was no evidence. I am now living on my own and I don't keep in touch with my father

 

Why do some fathers do this,Is it mental illness?

 

I hope your sister is away from him too!

 

Sorry that you both have gone through that, how awful.

 

Your dad is sick in the head and should be locked up for what he's done.

[beatcuff]

we are getting off track -- the question was not why would one molest it was ---

 

 

still living at home my dad <snip> Why do some fathers do this,Is it mental illness?

 

 

I assume it was your involved BIRTH father. this is a VERY different and unusual animal.

 

 

I can understand why the others might and even why a mom might 'allow it' (but find it repulsive), a father/dad: I can not grasp why.

[Nyc_user]

thats bad

[gaius]

Mothers can do it too. Mine used to make me give her these intimate massages. Last I heard one of my 15 year old brothers was sleeping in bed with her pretty regularly. Sometimes when one parent is either single or not getting what they need from their spouse they can start using the kids as a surrogate. It's more common than most people realize.

[gaius]

I am very sorry. I was molested by a family member as a young child. For many years I never told anyone. In 6th or 7th grade I told my best friend and a grandmother (who didn't believe me) and later in my life in my 20's got drunk with 2 of my serious boyfriends and told them. Only one person in my family knows and that's my mom who I just told a year ago. That's a total of 5 people in my whole life that I've ever told. It happen when I was 6/7. I'm now 29. By the grace of God, I grew up without ever having to be institutionalized. Though at about 16 I probably should've been. I started having panic attacks and lots of social anxiety. I'm certain I had a nervous breakdown. I suffered a great deal all throughout my childhood so it was no wonder I had a mental breakdown.

 

Evil exists all over the world and comes in many forms. There's not a harsh enough punishment for someone who abuses a child.

 

I'm happy you were able to protect yourself. Good for you. God Bless!

It's good you're finally getting comfortable enough to talk about it me. I get a weird urge to try and start a conversation with you sometimes which I don't get with many people and that probably explains why. Awful childhood in common.

 

Check out stuff on covert incest if you want to learn more about the psychology of it Layta.

[RedRobin]

Sometimes when one parent is either single or not getting what they need from their spouse they can start using the kids as a surrogate. It's more common than most people realize.

 

 

This...

 

 

Since I'm a woman and only date men, I've seen plenty of men use their daughters as surrogate wives/girlfriends... even if it doesn't extend to the sexual. I can only imagine how confusing it is for the daughters to be treated like this. They want their father's love, approval and guidance, and are utterly trusting... then the older man or authority figure pushes it too far. We see it all of the time in our culture acted out in various ways. My father and other male family members have never molested me or my sis... but I got quite a dose of this behavior being a young woman, on her own, working around all men and getting accosted by bosses, teachers, fellow co-workers who were supposed to be accountable. To me, it all comes from the same f*cked up place.

 

 

I briefly dated a guy who was like this with his 15 year old daughter. When I saw him grab her and put her on his lap at Xmas, I got a chill. I dated another guy who has a picture of himself and his attractive daughter as his profile pic on Facebook... ok... I'm not opposed to family pics. He has a son too. Why isn't he in the picture?

 

 

While it might happen sometimes with mothers and their children, I believe it is only men who are encouraged by society to view those much younger than themselves as something sexual... with the rather arbitrary limit placed at age 18.

 

 

It shouldn't be surprising that some of them confuse the familial bond, or confuse their role as an authority figure or a trusted confidante with something erotic.

 

 

It annoys me so much now, that I won't go see any movies that have romantic leads that have more than a 10 year age gap or so. I feel our culture encourages this objectification of younger women that extends into childhood. If I were gay, I'd feel the same way.

Edited December 14, 2014 by RedRobin

[AVarma]

This...

 

 

 

 

I briefly dated a guy who was like this with his 15 year old daughter. When I saw him grab her and put her on his lap at Xmas, I got a chill. I dated another guy who has a picture of himself and his attractive daughter as his profile pic on Facebook... ok... I'm not opposed to family pics. He has a son too. Why isn't he in the picture?

 

 

 

Maybe you're overreacting? I've seen a lot of women put pics of them and their dad on facebook. "Are they being molested" has never crossed my mind. And while it is weird for a 15 year old girl to sit on her father's lap I wouldn't say it's a huge deal either.

 

BTW for your information most father figures who molest girls are usually mothers boyfriends or step-fathers. It's actually extremely rare for men to molest their own biological daughters.

[RedRobin]

Maybe you're overreacting? I've seen a lot of women put pics of them and their dad on facebook. "Are they being molested" has never crossed my mind. And while it is weird for a 15 year old girl to sit on her father's lap I wouldn't say it's a huge deal either.

 

BTW for your information most father figures who molest girls are usually mothers boyfriends or step-fathers. It's actually extremely rare for men to molest their own biological daughters.

 

 

No, I'm not overreacting. These were two men I dated long enough to see that the relationship they had with their daughters went beyond father/daughter and extended into pseudo boyfriend/girlfriend... sans the sex.

 

 

... and while I know that it is definitely true that it is usually not the biological father who molests their children compared to boyfriends or step-fathers... it is definitely a lot more than the mothers if you want to do comparisons. There are plenty of other family members to blame too... grandfathers, uncles, cousins, etc.

 

 

The point being... our culture gives the green light to objectifying young people (usually women) and gives (usually) men the idea that sexualizing those much younger than themselves (be it heterosexual or homosexual) is not only OK, but 'natural'. It's f*cked up.

 

 

It doesn't really matter to me WHO is doing the molesting, by the way. The message is the same and it all comes from the same place IMHO.

[carhill]

Why do some fathers do this,Is it mental illness?

 

IMO, testosterone fueled id without enough superego to manage it, whether intrinsic (mental disease or defect) or socialized (personality molding and formation) is generally what I've seen. An interesting irony is that some of the men who really shouldn't be having children are, well, ironically, the ones most driven to the sexual milieu and reproducing and replicating the same issues over and over, either through their own actions or the genetic predispositions they pass along.

 

TBH, though I can't verify such anecdotes as factual, I've known few women intimately who haven't recounted being molested by a close male family member, generally as teenagers but sometimes preadolescent as well.

 

Unfortunately, those 'bad apples' give all men a black eye of suspicion, and have likely throughout time. In the animal world, males tend to breed indiscriminately and some men appear to be closer to their animal roots than others.

[RedRobin]

If I do decide to be a foster parent, I have no doubt that this will be one of the major issues I'll be helping the child deal with and overcome.

 

 

I'd be thrilled to have the opportunity to introduce this child to the wonderful men in my family and let him/her know there is hope and not all parents, older people, or authority figures are messed up.

[AVarma]

 

The point being... our culture gives the green light to objectifying young people (usually women) and gives (usually) men the idea that sexualizing those much younger than themselves (be it heterosexual or homosexual) is not only OK, but 'natural'. It's f*cked up.

 

 

It doesn't really matter to me WHO is doing the molesting, by the way. The message is the same and it all comes from the same place IMHO.

 

I don't agree with this at all. True we do objectify women but to say that it leads to molestation is just too much. Children get molested in all cultures. Look at what's happening in India with all the rapes. This is a traditional, conservative culture where sex and revealing clothing is taboo. It hasn't prevented indian men gang raping women. You telling me it has prevented child molestation as well?

 

And a certain amount of objectification is a good thing. I'm sure women and girls feel good when they're fathers call them beautiful. I know I feel good if a woman thinks I'm cute or better yet sexy.

 

The idea that this is what leads to children being molested... I'm sorry I just don't agree with it. Children get molested because the men around them are unstable. This can happen for a variety of reasons but looking at too many pictures of naked women is not one of them.

[autumnnight]

If you cannot see the very very distinct difference between a man believing his daughter is beautiful and a man objectifying his daughter, I'm really not even sure what to say.

[gaius]

If I do decide to be a foster parent, I have no doubt that this will be one of the major issues I'll be helping the child deal with and overcome.

 

I'd be thrilled to have the opportunity to introduce this child to the wonderful men in my family and let him/her know there is hope and not all parents, older people, or authority figures are messed up.

If you do adopt make it a girl, I don't doubt your integrity Red but the mind can do strange things to even the most upstanding among us when we're single. =/ If it's a boy make it one who's about to turn 18 and is in great shape so you could date him and it wouldn't be that much of a betrayal.

[AVarma]

If you do adopt make it a girl, I don't doubt your integrity Red but the mind can do strange things to even the most upstanding among us when we're single. =/ If it's a boy make it one who's about to turn 18 and is in great shape so you could date him and it wouldn't be that much of a betrayal.

 

I know you're trying to be humorous but this is pretty disgusting.