Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Where do I begin? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We have a little girl who is almost 2. Lately, things for us have been rocky, but let me backtrack... Last year, I felt the need to check his phone because something seemed off. I saw that he had sent texts to a coworker that seemed rather flirtacious. I confronted him and he said he didn't have feelings for her and denied it. I kind of brushed it off and later he told me he was flirting because he liked the attention, but didn't have feelings for her. It took some time but I let it go. He has told me over the years and just the other day actually that he'd never cheat and even though things are bad, he hasn't walked yet and it'd be easier for him to walk rather than put the time and energy in to this relationship to repair it but he's chosing to stay. I looked at his texts the other night and saw messages exchanged with the same coworker. Apparently she's out of the office on medical leave for something or another and he text her several times saying he missed her and one that really jumped out at me was that he missed her more than she knows. He also said her hug felt good... I wondered W*F was going on and as much as I was dying reading this, I pieced it together that she had come by the office where they work to visit since she's been out and he saw her then. I lost it... I went in the bedroom and cried so hard. I later confronted him and he freaked out that I looked through his phone and how I always assume the worst in him. Am I totally overreacting? He told me instead of asking what it was about, I just assume the worst. He told me he misses her because she does a good job at work and he trusts her most to get stuff done and that's what he misses and it was a short hug but it was nice. Seriously...am I overreacting? My friends that I have told don't think I am and they tell me they'd feel the same way if they saw that. I want to believe him and give him the benefit of the doubt but I don't want to look like a fool at the end of the day. Advice and help is appreciated. I'm losing my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Trust your gut! If you think something is wrong, then it is. You shouldn't go through people's things but I think you found what you are looking for. At this point, walk away. Something like that happened to me and I wish I would have left as soon as I saw it. Otherwise, you'll put up with lies and a cheater like I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Two_cats_in_the_yard Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I hate to say it but I've been in your boyfriend's shoes before and you aren't overreacting. Smells like an emotional affair, to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Musicguy201 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 A hug? Some texts? If that's cheating, then my co-workers and I are all philanderers! He probably should be more upfront about his workplace relationships since you're sensitive to that, but if a hug & some texts sends you running for the door (ESPECIALLY with a child!), you're going to be doing a lot of running in your life, girl. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I hate to say it but I've been in your boyfriend's shoes before and you aren't overreacting. Smells like an emotional affair, to me. I have to agree. The previous flirty texts combined with this latest discovery don't sound good. What was said in the texts you found last year? Also, you say your relationship hasn't been going well - how so? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 A hug? Some texts? If that's cheating, then my co-workers and I are all philanderers! He probably should be more upfront about his workplace relationships since you're sensitive to that, but if a hug & some texts sends you running for the door (ESPECIALLY with a child!), you're going to be doing a lot of running in your life, girl. Good luck. I'm friendly with my coworkers too... I'm the only female in an office of 100 men...BUT, I don't flirt or have a desire to. Sure, there are some I find attractive, but that's the extent. I'm totally fine with him being the same way and being friendly, but the texts he has sent her over and over saying he misses her are what's alarming. I didn't know they were so "buddy buddy." I can see an occasional text while she's out sick, but not to the degree he's gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 I have to agree. The previous flirty texts combined with this latest discovery don't sound good. What was said in the texts you found last year? Also, you say your relationship hasn't been going well - how so? He's just so different... I can't explain it. He loves to withdraw when something is wrong and just shut down... communication between us sucks and we need help. I just don't know how much more to invest if he's lying to me, ya know? If I just KNEW for sure what the truth is, I'd be ok. I don't want to run if I'm just assuming something different. WHY would he look me in the eye and tell me he wouldn't still be here with me even though things between us are bad when he could just as easily up and leave? It's so crazy to make sense of. His texts before were when he was with her after work one night... the BF is a pyrotechnic on the side and does firework shows in the summer and she was at the place where he was doing a show. He sent her a text asking "Where'd you go? :(" and various other things that made it sound like he was missing her. Then for his BDay last year, she gave him a gift. I've told him before if he doesn't stop the flirtyness, I will contact her and get the full story. The thing is, she is in a relationship and doesn't really feed into his flirtyness which makes me feel a bit better. I don't know anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Two_cats_in_the_yard Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 A hug? Some texts? If that's cheating, then my co-workers and I are all philanderers! I have certainly texted co-workers and given friendly hugs. However, if it was totally platonic, I do not see why there would be a need to text that person and tell them how great I thought their hug was. She's on his mind and he's let her know. I agree with April; your intuition was telling you something (and led you to do something as drastic as to check his phone) and you found what you thought was there. Now what? Will you keep checking? Do you think that will force him to become sneakier about his interactions with her? In my case, the more my ex snooped, the more I felt I had to hide and eventually, we couldn't trust each other. As a result, our relationship ended. I really hope you have a happier ending. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Ehh... I'm sorry. )= I'd be suspicious as well. He'd assume the worst if he saw messages like that between you and another guy too, for sure. This is how you discuss it with him...the words are easy...you simply ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He's on the verge of cheating. Most certainly. And is probably already cheating emotionally with that girl. /= Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Ehh... I'm sorry. )= I'd be suspicious as well. He'd assume the worst if he saw messages like that between you and another guy too, for sure. This is how you discuss it with him...the words are easy...you simply ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He's on the verge of cheating. Most certainly. And is probably already cheating emotionally with that girl. /= reading all of your replies, I seriously feel anxious and so sick to my stomach. I guess it's the reality though. This girl doesn't seem to be fueling him though, from what I can read. She's in a relationship and doesn't seem to be egging him on. I've asked him the question before... what if the shoe were on the other foot? He said he'd get the facts before making assumptions. I'm always the bad guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Apparently she's out of the office on medical leave for something or another and he text her several times saying he missed her and one that really jumped out at me was that he missed her more than she knows. He also said her hug felt good He told me he misses her because she does a good job at work and he trusts her most to get stuff done and that's what he misses and it was a short hug but it was nice. I can't help but laugh at his justification. Lying through his teeth. You are right to feel the way you do. I've had co-workers/boss tell me they missed me while I was gone. I've had co-workers/boss give me a hug. Never did I text them and tell them I missed them more than they know or vice versa and never have we ever exchanged texts about how good the hug felt. And the reason he goes silent is because he doesn't want to deal with the issue. Shutting down allows time to go by and in his mind, you will hopefully just shut up and forget about it. Another reason is because he is guilty and he doesn't like that you called him out on it. Likely he is having an emotional affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I've asked him the question before... what if the shoe were on the other foot? He said he'd get the facts before making assumptions. I'm always the bad guy! Of course. If he said he was in the wrong, that would make him accountable and he will have to change his behavior. Gaslighting puts the blame on you and leaves him guiltless. He can then carry on doing what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Chronie87 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 This is how an affair recently started for me. There was a girl at work that I was attracted to and my gf and I were having problems with communication and intimacy. My gf would moan and groan ab girls at work she saw some texts like those and I would always get mad or offended when she would ask about them and say if I didn't wanna be with her I would leave. But our communication continued to suffer and after a while an affair began. My gf found some bad texts after the affair started and I couldn't lie I had to own up then. My point here is that he may not be intending this to be an affair or want to have an affair, but if this "innocent" stuff continues it'll turn bad eventually if it hasn't already. If you really really love him break up with him. If my gf had broken up with me when she found out I believe it would have been the wake up call I needed. Instead she found out I lied and then forgave me w/ essentially no consequence. So what did I do? I kept lying... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 This is how an affair recently started for me. There was a girl at work that I was attracted to and my gf and I were having problems with communication and intimacy. My gf would moan and groan ab girls at work she saw some texts like those and I would always get mad or offended when she would ask about them and say if I didn't wanna be with her I would leave. But our communication continued to suffer and after a while an affair began. My gf found some bad texts after the affair started and I couldn't lie I had to own up then. My point here is that he may not be intending this to be an affair or want to have an affair, but if this "innocent" stuff continues it'll turn bad eventually if it hasn't already. If you really really love him break up with him. If my gf had broken up with me when she found out I believe it would have been the wake up call I needed. Instead she found out I lied and then forgave me w/ essentially no consequence. So what did I do? I kept lying... It's so hard to feel all lovey-dovey toward him when I think he could be lying. You're right...if I'm always there for him, why would he change his behavior? I just don't think he'd give a crap if I left...it'd probably be doing him a favor if he is cheating because then he wouldn't have to do it himself. It'd be so much easier to say F it if we didn't have a kid. I worry about him trying to get custody when he really hasn't even been in the picture since her birth. My life feels like such a mess now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Something else he told me was this..."I don't have many friends, but I try to be friendly with my coworkers. I'm sorry you don't see it that way." He just makes me feel and sound like I'm off my rocker! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 When I say not in the picture, I mean, he hasn't done anything for her. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 reading all of your replies, I seriously feel anxious and so sick to my stomach. I guess it's the reality though. This girl doesn't seem to be fueling him though, from what I can read. She's in a relationship and doesn't seem to be egging him on. I've asked him the question before... what if the shoe were on the other foot? He said he'd get the facts before making assumptions. I'm always the bad guy! I'm really sorry. I know how much it hurts. So what are you thinking about doing? I think you need to sit him down in a calm manner and ask that he let you say what you need to say without interruption. Be calm. Keep your tone low. Tell him how much it hurt seeing those messages and that the very fact you feel like you can't trust him enough to keep from looking at his phone is a clear indication that something is wrong in the RS and that you need time apart to figure things out and decide whether or not you want to stay together. I hope he fights for you. I hope he ceases all contact with coworker outside of work...but even if he does, you're always going to wonder if anything is still going on behind your back with him and that girl at work or any other girl for that matter. I really wish you the best of luck in this situation! Link to post Share on other sites
Chronie87 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 If u do decide to leave attempt to document the cheating 1st if u really are worried about custody...Stinks being in that sitch with a child. Good luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 It's so hard to feel all lovey-dovey toward him when I think he could be lying. You're right...if I'm always there for him, why would he change his behavior? I just don't think he'd give a crap if I left...it'd probably be doing him a favor if he is cheating because then he wouldn't have to do it himself. It'd be so much easier to say F it if we didn't have a kid. I worry about him trying to get custody when he really hasn't even been in the picture since her birth. My life feels like such a mess now! You're right. As I'm reading everyones advice, I'm writing down things I want to say to him. He's so difficult to talk to, I wish we could do counseling like TODAY. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Will his "cheating" decide custody in my favor, or play a factor? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 He just makes me feel and sound like I'm off my rocker! Google "gaslighting" it is a classic form that materializes when a person in a relationship starts to lie. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Well, you're not married so I don't think infidelity plays a part legally speaking. BUT I'm not 100% on that. Laws are different everywhere. Do you have a friend or relative to seek custody advice from? I'd look into it quietly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Google "gaslighting" it is a classic form that materializes when a person in a relationship starts to lie. Wow... I had never used heard this term used before, but it sounds pretty damn close. Link to post Share on other sites
Chronie87 Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Will his "cheating" decide custody in my favor, or play a factor? Honestly I've never been through this so I'm speculating here...but I would say that it couldn't hurt to have proof of his flawed character. Generally women have the upper hand in custody battles though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deeko Posted November 21, 2014 Author Share Posted November 21, 2014 Google "gaslighting" it is a classic form that materializes when a person in a relationship starts to lie. Honestly I've never been through this so I'm speculating here...but I would say that it couldn't hurt to have proof of his flawed character. Generally women have the upper hand in custody battles though. He has mentioned suicide a time or two also... I understand to an outsider it probably just sounds easy to RUN but it hasn't always been like this. I hate it! I'm so scared of the court siding with him for some reason even though I've had her since birth (the 3 of us don't live together) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts