I love him but I don't know what he's thinking anymore

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I disagree with this. In my view, sometimes when people spend years avoiding their own emotions and hurts, and instead become numb....a person comes along, usually a romantic partner, that *breaks us open*.

 

I'm saying this because I have experienced this.

 

I've been broken open too. I think most of us have. But there's a healthy way to suffer mental blows, and crying constantly and sending floods of messages is not it. Trust me, I've been pretty f#*@ing low and almost destroyed myself. I could have done serious damage to my life if I hadn't eventually pulled myself together and been determined to learn healthy coping skills. I don't judge anyone for being down there, but I do believe at some point you have to stand back up again.

 

AlwaysPuzzled, you have got to let this one go. You are so desperate to believe he's interested that you're using his disorder as an excuse. "He really does care for me, it's just that he's an alcoholic." If a girlfriend of mine told me that I would lock her in a room with inspirational Lifetime movies until she begged for mercy. Why would you think so little of yourself?

 

You two are not a good fit and never were. You want fundamentally different things, and you don't even find the things you do value (like being open with one's emotions) with each other. You can't get him back because you never had him. Recognize this---cringe if you have to---then get back on the horse and move along.

[Adele0908]

 

AlwaysPuzzled, you have got to let this one go. You are so desperate to believe he's interested that you're using his disorder as an excuse. "He really does care for me, it's just that he's an alcoholic." If a girlfriend of mine told me that I would lock her in a room with inspirational Lifetime movies until she begged for mercy. Why would you think so little of yourself?

 

You two are not a good fit and never were. You want fundamentally different things, and you don't even find the things you do value (like being open with one's emotions) with each other. You can't get him back because you never had him. Recognize this---cringe if you have to---then get back on the horse and move along.

 

I see where you're coming from. She can never really fully trust an alcoholic man, that's true.

 

I do believe that we attract our reciprocal, and that she attracted him and was attracted to him for a reason. I think she needs to find the dysfunctional patterns in herself that led her to that relationship. She represses her emotions with alcohol. She can't expect to attract a better man in her current state. But I agree that she shouldn't force a connection with him, due to him being actively addicted to weed/alcohol.

 

OP, I'll pm you that book list.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Here is my confusion as it relates to his alcoholism and avoidant attachment style. Given his issues, how can I take it at face value that he isn't interested and doesn't care? If he were an emotionally healthy, secure individual, then he would be able to speak up and say one way or another. But here we have the two of us with issues, pushing each other away, and not being entirely upfront about our thoughts and feelings.

 

If someone were talking to him and he told of my behavior, someone could easily say I didn't care either couldn't they? Why would I keep walking away if I cared? Why would I go cold and get angry? Why would I make numerous attempts to shut him completely out of my life? Why am I not now calling him to make amends and fix things? Why am I not telling him with full disclosure how I feel about him? I keep sending mixed signals about how I feel and what I want. I know, and you guys know, why I'm doing it. And despite the fact that it seems like infatuation, I know in my heart that I do care very much. But I'm not showing that to him right now in any way, shape, or form. It would appear outwardly that I am over it.

 

So how do we know that his issues aren't masking his feelings as well? You could be correct, chimp, that he doesn't care. Half of me agrees with you. But the other half of me knows that someone can act a certain way because they're scared of whatever (rejection, intimacy, conflict, responsibility, whatever). Maybe he's at a loss here and doesn't know what to do. Maybe he does still like and care about me, but I keep getting angry about what he's not doing "right" and pushing him away and walking away... and his own issues keep him paralyzed from doing anything or saying anything in response, so he just does nothing.

 

See what I'm saying?

[idoltree]

I believe you about the connection. You're here posting, and that means that this guy meant something to you. I just urge you to think if that connection was born of dysfunction on your end. You're giving off signs of unresolved issues that are impacting your ability to form healthy mutually satisfying romantic relationships.

 

Also, consider that a true commitmentphobe/avoidant is terrified of intimacy. If the two of you had a connection (that he felt as well), it means he's going to be extra avoidant simply because the stakes are higher. Oftentimes, if they're going to settle with someone, they're going to settle for someone as well. It's lower-risk that way. So if you had a mutual connection, and he doesn't have some personal revelation about his life (which it doesn't sound like he will anytime soon), it's even less likely to work with you.

 

I think you need to let go of what you thought the relationship was, what it could be, and see it as something that will never work as you'd hoped.

[Adele0908]

I can't pm you for some reason. It says you can't receive private messages...maybe because you're a new member.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

The theory of prisoner's dilemma in relationships further explains what I was trying to say above. Here's one article that describes it:

 

Game theory, the Prisoner?s Dilemma and romantic relationships - The Glidd of Glood Blog

 

It kind of boils down to mind games. For the sake of argument, let's say that we both DO care.

-- If I show vulnerability and express my feelings to him, and he does not reciprocate, then he has the upper hand, and vice versa.

-- If neither of us show our feelings, the "relationship" goes nowhere.

-- If we both reveal our feelings, something mutually beneficial could come out of it.

The article explains it in more detail.

 

So let's say that he is the stubborn, guarded type who always wants to have the upper hand. He won't reveal his feelings, because 1) it would be risky to do so in case I didn't reciprocate, or punished him in some way by using it against him, and 2) he then wouldn't "win" (i.e. have the upper hand, feel the power and control of having someone wanting him).

 

For myself, at this point in time, I don't want to reveal my feelings to him because 1) it's too risky, and I fear he won't reciprocate, and 2) I feel like he will take advantage of his upper hand if he knows I still want him (i.e. treat me badly, use me, withhold affection, whatever).

 

So we both say nothing, and everything just comes to a stand-still like it is right now.

 

This stuff happens. People play mind games. People have a fear of exposing vulnerability and either having it be taken advantage of, or feeling humiliated if the feelings aren't returned.

 

I worry that this is what we're both doing. I KNOW I'm doing it, and I fear that he is doing it as well, and as a result, we are no longer in each other's lives. If I revealed my feelings in a softer way, would he then soften and trust enough to reciprocate if he does feel it?

 

Just thinking aloud, and thought yall might be interested in this theory if you've never heard of it. Someone did a presentation on it in an economics class a decade ago, and it's always stuck with me. Just google "prisoner's dilemma in relationships" if you want to read more.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

I can't pm you for some reason. It says you can't receive private messages...maybe because you're a new member.

 

Oh darn.... I think I read somewhere that you have to have 50 posts before you can pm, and I only have 30. Would you want to paste the list here? And then you can delete it after I grab it and save it if you want to? I'd give you my email address, but don't really want to post it publicly....

[AlwaysPuzzled]

I believe you about the connection. You're here posting, and that means that this guy meant something to you. I just urge you to think if that connection was born of dysfunction on your end. You're giving off signs of unresolved issues that are impacting your ability to form healthy mutually satisfying romantic relationships.

 

Very true, can't deny the dysfunction and unresolved issues.

Thank you for acknowledging/believing that the connection was real.

 

Also, consider that a true commitmentphobe/avoidant is terrified of intimacy. If the two of you had a connection (that he felt as well), it means he's going to be extra avoidant simply because the stakes are higher. Oftentimes, if they're going to settle with someone, they're going to settle for someone as well. It's lower-risk that way. So if you had a mutual connection, and he doesn't have some personal revelation about his life (which it doesn't sound like he will anytime soon), it's even less likely to work with you.

 

This makes a lot of sense.

Your words remind of something he said one time, that really goes to show that he felt it too... He wrote a book, and he was always talking about how good he thought it was, and that he was going to let me read it. And then about a week before I ended things, we were talking, and he said that he would let anyone else read the book, but he didn't know if he wanted me to read it. And I asked him why, and he said "because I care what you think, and now the stakes are higher." I KNOW he felt the same way I did for those first six weeks, and this is but one small example.

 

I think you need to let go of what you thought the relationship was, what it could be, and see it as something that will never work as you'd hoped.

 

Maybe I'll get there one day soon I just keep thinking back on things like the book example, and I know we had something special. And I ruined it with my issues and fears and insecurities. This second time around, he just wasn't quite as *all there* as he was the first time. Maybe I need to forget about the initial connection, and look solely at the way things were this second time. I guess the damage had been done by this point.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

I really really appreciate y'all's time and insights. This is keeping me somewhat sane, being able to work through it and get perspectives outside of my own. Thank you!!!

 

:love:

[Adele0908]

The theory of prisoner's dilemma in relationships further explains what I was trying to say above. Here's one article that describes it:

 

Game theory, the Prisoner?s Dilemma and romantic relationships - The Glidd of Glood Blog

 

It kind of boils down to mind games. For the sake of argument, let's say that we both DO care.

-- If I show vulnerability and express my feelings to him, and he does not reciprocate, then he has the upper hand, and vice versa.

-- If neither of us show our feelings, the "relationship" goes nowhere.

-- If we both reveal our feelings, something mutually beneficial could come out of it.

The article explains it in more detail.

 

So let's say that he is the stubborn, guarded type who always wants to have the upper hand. He won't reveal his feelings, because 1) it would be risky to do so in case I didn't reciprocate, or punished him in some way by using it against him, and 2) he then wouldn't "win" (i.e. have the upper hand, feel the power and control of having someone wanting him).

 

For myself, at this point in time, I don't want to reveal my feelings to him because 1) it's too risky, and I fear he won't reciprocate, and 2) I feel like he will take advantage of his upper hand if he knows I still want him (i.e. treat me badly, use me, withhold affection, whatever).

 

So we both say nothing, and everything just comes to a stand-still like it is right now.

 

This stuff happens. People play mind games. People have a fear of exposing vulnerability and either having it be taken advantage of, or feeling humiliated if the feelings aren't returned.

 

I worry that this is what we're both doing. I KNOW I'm doing it, and I fear that he is doing it as well, and as a result, we are no longer in each other's lives. If I revealed my feelings in a softer way, would he then soften and trust enough to reciprocate if he does feel it?

 

Just thinking aloud, and thought yall might be interested in this theory if you've never heard of it. Someone did a presentation on it in an economics class a decade ago, and it's always stuck with me. Just google "prisoner's dilemma in relationships" if you want to read more.

 

You're over thinking this. Most men are not as emotional as women, and don't like to talk about their emotions in general.

 

You could analyze him all day, but because you can not read his mind, and can never know what he is thinking, you'll just end up *puzzled*.

 

I used to try to analyze the guy and would stress myself out with worry. It's so pointless. Once you get tired of it, you'll stop.

You'll have to switch from living from your head to living from your heart. Which means embracing and honoring your emotions. And placing less weight and importance on your *mind chatter*.

[Adele0908]

Oh darn.... I think I read somewhere that you have to have 50 posts before you can pm, and I only have 30. Would you want to paste the list here? And then you can delete it after I grab it and save it if you want to? I'd give you my email address, but don't really want to post it publicly....

 

Ok, here's my list:

 

{relationship books}

 

The Mastery of Love- Don Miguel Ruiz

It's a Guy Thing- David Deida

Dear Lover- David Deida

The Way of the Superior Man- David Deida

Blue Truth- David Deida

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus- John Gray

Mars and Venus on a Date- John Gray

When Mars and Venus Collide- John Gray

Change Your Man- Kenya Stevens

The Tao of Dating- Alex Benzer

 

{self-help}

 

The Four Agreements- Don Miguel Ruiz

The Power of Now- Eckhart Tolle

A New Earth- Eckhart Tolle

The Sculptor in the Sky- Teal Swan

The Geisha Secret- Hanako

True You- Janet Jackson

Daring Greatly- Brene Brown

 

{relationship coaches with websites}

 

Dating and Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

Shelly Bullard, MFT - How to Create the Love You Want

 

I think the best one for your situation is The Mastery of Love, it's a very short book. Also The Four Agreements is good and also short.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

You're over thinking this. Most men are not as emotional as women, and don't like to talk about their emotions in general.

 

You could analyze him all day, but because you can not read his mind, and can never know what he is thinking, you'll just end up *puzzled*.

 

I used to try to analyze the guy and would stress myself out with worry. It's so pointless. Once you get tired of it, you'll stop.

You'll have to switch from living from your head to living from your heart. Which means embracing and honoring your emotions. And placing less weight and importance on your *mind chatter*.

 

Yeah, I think you're right. I sort of had an epiphany about 5 minutes ago, before I came back here. I'm sure that even if he did care, he's over it by now. Out of sight out of mind. So the prisoner's dilemma theory wouldn't even apply at this point, because he probably doesn't feel anything anymore. It kind of makes me feel pathetic to have hung on to it this long, thinking that he still cares He very well could be on to the next girl by now.

 

When I give this up entirely, there's going to be a big huge empty space within me... the space that has been entirely consumed by all things *him* for the past several months. And I have this false sense that by continuing to hang onto it and analyze it, it maintains a connection to him.

 

I really REALLY hoped that he would see me as higher value for walking away from the crumbs, miss me, and reach out. I guess that's most definitely not going to be happening, huh?

 

I didn't mention this before, but there is another girl who is completely in love with him. His ex that I'm friendly with told me that he's strung this girl along for 4 years. I think he comes and goes in her life, and she lives out of town. She was posting ALL OVER his facebook page during the second month of him ignoring me, and then she finally posted something about being heartbroken a week or two before he and I started talking again. So i think this is really what he does. He comes and goes as it suits him. I know I shouldn't say this, but maybe he'll come back my way some day, and I can do things differently and make it stick with him for a longer period of time. (sad to say that, i know )

Edited November 25, 2014 by AlwaysPuzzled

[Adele0908]

This is the perfect article to counter what was written in the article you linked to. Vulnerability is important and necessary.

 

What Makes a Woman Weak VS What Makes Her Strong & Vulnerable ? Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Great, thank you so much for the book list Adele! I'll try to get to the bookstore soon, but it might be after all the Thanksgiving stuff is over.

 

SO do you personally think I should let him go forever? Or try to reconnect before he's totally gone for good? Or wait a few weeks/months for this stuff to die down, and then reach out to him? I think you've said all three at various points in the discussion

[Adele0908]

You could get him back, but you have to be sure that you really want him back.

 

If you do, then maintain contact with him. But keep your exchanges friendly and positive. Treat him with respect.

 

If things ended badly, then wait a few weeks before contacting him. If you two are on good terms, then just give it a few days.

 

If you don't want him back, then let him go.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

You could get him back, but you have to be sure that you really want him back.

 

If you do, then maintain contact with him. But keep your exchanges friendly and positive. Treat him with respect.

 

If things ended badly, then wait a few weeks before contacting him. If you two are on good terms, then just give it a few days.

 

If you don't want him back, then let him go.

 

I DO want him back!!!

 

It ended badly with my angry-ish messages (I wish I could pm them to you and show you what I said - I don't want to paste them here word for word), but then things became very friendly and civil. He came to pick up the thing he had loaned me on Nov 15th, and he stayed about 15 minutes to chat, told me about work and such. Told me to "keep in touch" and I said "take care". Gave me a "friend" hug when he arrived and when he left. The next day (Nov 16th) I sent him a thank you mssg for being so kind, said I was glad we left things on a good note, told him I wasn't mad anymore, and that I hoped he understood where all the stuff I said came from but that I was sorry. I said he didn't have to reply at all. He acknowledged it with a thumb's up emoji, which is fine. Nov 17th he liked a fb status of mine. Nov 20th I messaged to just say hi and asked how he was, he said good how are you, I said good how is work, he said good enough, and I left it at that. We're still friends on facebook. So everything is on friendly terms I guess.

 

Given that, when do you think it would be best to contact him, and what should I say?

 

Also, if he's not going to initiate any contact, which apparently he isn't going to, is it okay for me to initiate all of it? Should I just say hi once a week or something, to keep the connection going?

 

I would greatly appreciate your guidance

 

We connect really well in person, but not so much over text, and we never talk on the phone. I couldn't just call him up - he wouldn't answer. So if we could ever hang out, that would be ideal, but I'd be scared to ask him and get rejected by him saying he couldn't. I don't know where he's working right now, if he's in town or not.

 

I know everyone else here thinks this is a bad idea, but I obviously still wish he could be in my life.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You could get him back, but you have to be sure that you really want him back.

 

If you do, then maintain contact with him. But keep your exchanges friendly and positive. Treat him with respect.

 

If things ended badly, then wait a few weeks before contacting him. If you two are on good terms, then just give it a few days.

 

If you don't want him back, then let him go.

 

Adele, I think you have given some good advice here, but I really have to disagree with statements like "you could get him back, but only if you really wanted to". We can't make this guy take her seriously and I don't think getting him back should be the goal. In her current state she will do literally anything and everything to get him back, which will make it that much more devastating when it inevitably fails. He knows exactly how much she likes him and how has he responded? Almost complete silence. When she anxiously tried to express her feelings in a heartfelt way he responded with a freakin' emoji.

 

(Also I am pronouncing your name with a very exaggerated "A-DAY-le", like Lucia Popp berating Edita Gruberova in Die Fledermaus.)

 

AlwaysPuzzled, you should not believe in a future with this guy. You have sunk so low that you are creating an elaborate tragic love story in your head where none exists. Look at the other posts in these forums where other posters claim the same thing, that no one else understands their terribly complicated story...how does it end for them? You say you're both playing mind games, but I think you're the only player.

 

Someone who is truly interested in you will communicate it. He will not let you wonder. And he certainly won't ignore you when you aren't around.

Edited November 25, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Adele, I think you have given some good advice here, but I really have to disagree with statements like "you could get him back, but only if you really wanted to". We can't make this guy take her seriously and I don't think getting him back should be the goal. In her current state she will do literally anything and everything to get him back, which will make it that much more devastating when it inevitably fails. He knows exactly how much she likes him and how has he responded? Almost complete silence. When she anxiously tried to express her feelings in a heartfelt way he responded with a freakin' emoji.

 

(Also I am pronouncing your name with a very exaggerated "A-DAY-le", like Lucia Popp berating Edita Gruberova in Die Fledermaus.)

 

AlwaysPuzzled, you should not believe in a future with this guy. You have sunk so low that you are creating an elaborate tragic love story in your head where none exists. Look at the other posts in these forums where other posters claim the same thing, that no one else understands their terribly complicated story...how does it end for them? You say you're both playing mind games, but I think you're the only player.

 

Someone who is truly interested in you will communicate it. He will not let you wonder. And he certainly won't ignore you when you aren't around.

 

This view just deflates me completely I know that's not your intention, and I'm not blaming you... it's just the view itself, the thought that he doesn't care.

 

It would have been NICE if he had replied with anything other than an emoji, but if he won't talk about feelings and relationships - ever - then he wasn't going to respond with words. I knew that he wouldn't.

 

You're right though, in that he would have let me know if he was interested. I guess. God this sucks. I'm as confused as ever.

 

I think I've said this somewhere already, but the first time I asked him over text what we were, and he said just friends... I then asked him if he liked me enough to ever be more, and he said "don't know." But later that night when I went over, without my asking him anything, he hugged me and said "I'm sorry Kelly, I DO like you. I DO like you." My point is that he doesn't always say what he feels, especially over text. And especially when I ask it in some confrontational (in his perception) way.

 

My goodbye messages were filled with criticism, so why would he tell me how he felt in the midst of that?

 

The thing that creates all my doubts about whether or not he cared is that he wasn't initiating contact. But then why did he invite me over when I texted him? I would say "hey" and he would say "do you want to come over" and then he'd call me on the phone and say he wanted to see me. I didn't ask to come over. If he just saw me as entertainment, why wouldn't he just text and say hey come over? No need to wait for me to text first. I don't understand it. Could he have put walls up after I ended it the first time?

 

Also, does he really know how much I like him? I guess he probably does, since I've continued to initiate contact. And I've told him that I care and that I feel we had a deep connection. But while together in person, my body language and actions mirrored his; I was by no means overeager. I always took my time going over when he invited me (he lives around the corner, and it would take me like an hour to get there). There were many many times when he wanted sex, and I just kind of brushed it off (he was usually too drunk to follow through, so I didn't see the point) - I didn't reject him, I just kind of let it slide by somehow without doing anything. This was rare, though, as neither of us are very sexually-driven. So I dunno... I don't know if he realizes just how much I like him, or not.

[Adele0908]

Adele, I think you have given some good advice here, but I really have to disagree with statements like "you could get him back, but only if you really wanted to". We can't make this guy take her seriously and I don't think getting him back should be the goal. In her current state she will do literally anything and everything to get him back, which will make it that much more devastating when it inevitably fails. He knows exactly how much she likes him and how has he responded? Almost complete silence. When she anxiously tried to express her feelings in a heartfelt way he responded with a freakin' emoji.

 

(Also I am pronouncing your name with a very exaggerated "A-DAY-le", like Lucia Popp berating Edita Gruberova in Die Fledermaus.)

 

I like it...it sounds like French nobility. I had to google Lucia Popp, though. Are you into opera music?

 

The way I see it, if she leaves him for good, she's still going to be pining for him anyway. It will probably take at least a year for her to get over the whole thing. There is high probability that the next man she attracts will be very similar, if not just like him. She could end up sabotaging things the same exact way with the next guy.

 

She pushed and pushed, and unloaded all her emotions on him like an automatic rifle. Anybody would have run in the opposite direction. He's not the perfect guy, but is she the perfect woman?

 

I advocated her staying through the turmoil because to me it seems like they just have different communication styles. He probably responded with the emoji because he's tired of the whole damn thing. Sometimes we expect our boyfriends/husbands to communicate with us like our girlfriends, but that's not gonna happen.

 

I'm not saying she has to be with this guy, but based on how she feels about him, it might be better for her to try to learn how to communicate with him and how to manage her own emotions.

[Adele0908]

AlwaysPuzzled, read this

 

The Fastest way to Push a Man Away - The Feminine Woman ? Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

 

Blaming pushes people away. So does criticism. Not to be harsh, but this is a simple concept.

 

I'm sorry you feel confused. With time, you'll know how you feel about the whole thing.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

AlwaysPuzzled, read this

 

The Fastest way to Push a Man Away - The Feminine Woman ? Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

 

Blaming pushes people away. So does criticism. Not to be harsh, but this is a simple concept.

 

I'm sorry you feel confused. With time, you'll know how you feel about the whole thing.

 

Very enlightening, thanks. This is exactly what I did I totally blasted him, told him he hurts people, etc etc. I thought I was just taking a stand and saying that I deserved better treatment, and I honestly hoped this would raise my value in his eyes (after lowering it with my two-month stretch of messages trying to get him to talk to me).

 

Do you think the damage is irreversible? Saying sorry just doesn't quite cut it. I've said sorry several times, I've explained myself, and I've gone back and forth between that and getting mad and blaming him again. I don't think he got upset by it, since he was so calm and nice when he came over to get his thing. But I'm sure it still makes me less attractive to him.

 

I couldn't have messed this whole thing up more if I had actively tried to do so.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

I like it...it sounds like French nobility. I had to google Lucia Popp, though. Are you into opera music?

 

The way I see it, if she leaves him for good, she's still going to be pining for him anyway. It will probably take at least a year for her to get over the whole thing. There is high probability that the next man she attracts will be very similar, if not just like him. She could end up sabotaging things the same exact way with the next guy.

 

She pushed and pushed, and unloaded all her emotions on him like an automatic rifle. Anybody would have run in the opposite direction. He's not the perfect guy, but is she the perfect woman?

 

I advocated her staying through the turmoil because to me it seems like they just have different communication styles. He probably responded with the emoji because he's tired of the whole damn thing. Sometimes we expect our boyfriends/husbands to communicate with us like our girlfriends, but that's not gonna happen.

 

I'm not saying she has to be with this guy, but based on how she feels about him, it might be better for her to try to learn how to communicate with him and how to manage her own emotions.

 

I agree. I just don't know how to go about reconnecting with him. Saying hey over text every now and then doesn't promote a connection. Nor does sending any more explanatory messages - I've said it all before, and like you say, he's probably just plain tired of it.

 

I feel him slipping away permanently. He hasn't been online all day long today, and I'm imagining him with some girl. I'm the type to have my phone in my hand constantly, always on facebook, so I don't know how someone can actively NOT get on, unless they're otherwise occuppied. There have been other days he hasn't gotten on at all, but it still makes me feel like there's a total disconnect and little way of reengaging with him.

 

What do you think is the best form of approach?

[AlwaysPuzzled]

This is the perfect article to counter what was written in the article you linked to. Vulnerability is important and necessary.

 

What Makes a Woman Weak VS What Makes Her Strong & Vulnerable ? Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

 

Okay, just read this, thanks.

 

Hmmmm.

 

Ya know, I don't know that I was ever quite VULNERABLE in my messages to him. I was always pretty matter-of-fact, when not being downright angry-ish. The rest of it was me playing it cool and being logical rather than emotional. I would state that I cared about him, or that I felt we had a connection, but not really in a *feeling* sort of way.

 

I'm wondering how it would come across if I messaged him at some point and just let my guard down. Tell him I miss him. Tell him I regret the way I've handled everything from the moment I ended things the first time. Tell him how happy I felt with him those first six weeks, and that I made a mistake trying to push for more than he was wanting or able to give.

 

I probably shouldn't do that. It's hard to find the line between being weak and being vulnerable. And if chimp (I hope it's okay that I'm shortening your name here) is right and he just doesn't care anymore, it will only annoy him. I should quit with the texting I guess.

 

Just thinking aloud again. Wanting to reconnect with him, but not willing to do *anything and everything* to get him back. Truly. I learned my lesson during those two months, and will not be making any more desperate moves.

[Adele0908]

I'll link you to another article.

 

I can't tell you what to say word for word. All I will say is that when you do decide to contact him, be friendly.

 

How to Maintain your High Value when He doesn't Contact You ? Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

 

How to Get out of Pain in Your Relationship Right Now - The Feminine Woman ? Femininity - Dating & Relationship Advice for Women - The Feminine Woman

 

Browse that website. She has a lot of articles for almost any situation. That's where I get a lot of my info anyway.

[StrongLass]

Okay, just read this, thanks.

 

Hmmmm.

 

Ya know, I don't know that I was ever quite VULNERABLE in my messages to him.

 

YOU are the one who keeps initiating all any any talk about how this connection could be more, NOT him. The one who cares the least is the one who controls the "relationship" guess who that is, Always Puzzled?

 

I was always pretty matter-of-fact, when not being downright angry-ish. The rest of it was me playing it cool and being logical rather than emotional. I would state that I cared about him, or that I felt we had a connection, but not really in a *feeling* sort of way.

 

I barely even know where to start w/ this quote. Ultimately what matters is that you've been contacting him a lot while he hasn't been reciprocating on that level unless he happens to feel like having your company (knowing full well that you'll trip all over yourself to come running over).

 

I'm wondering how it would come across if I messaged him at some point and just let my guard down. Tell him I miss him. Tell him I regret the way I've handled everything from the moment I ended things the first time. Tell him how happy I felt with him those first six weeks, and that I made a mistake trying to push for more than he was wanting or able to give.

 

DO NOT DO THAT. It will not matter since he obviously doesn't want things to change or he'd be telling you that he does & backing it up w/ action.

 

I probably shouldn't do that.

 

Atta girl

 

And if chimp (I hope it's okay that I'm shortening your name here) is right and he just doesn't care anymore, it will only annoy him. I should quit with the texting I guess.

 

I know it sucks but yes. It happens *hug*

 

Just thinking aloud again. Wanting to reconnect with him, but not willing to do *anything and everything* to get him back. Truly. I learned my lesson during those two months, and will not be making any more desperate moves.

 

*Applause*

 

That was the most emotional progress I've ever seen in one post, no joke. Good job. Keep it together & move on. He'd let you know in a BIG way if he wanted there to be an "us" for you two.