pho88 Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 MY gf and i have a mutual friend who had a blog which i read that had a link to her blog... ...I just found out that about four months ago or one month into our relationship, her ex bf came by to spend the day and slept over. Which she did not tell me about, only that her "friend" came by. Well what can i say, this is the gist of what she wrote: Well mr.ex-bf came by and hung out and eventually he kissed her and she kissed him back. He spent the night and gave her a goodbye kiss in the morning as he left. They went to see a concert together a week later and she wrote that he had his arms around her the whole time as if he were trying to protect her, on the ride home he gave her another kiss. Well what was she thinking? ha... she wrote that she LOVED him, but that she didn't want to scare him away because lately he hadn't been talking to her. Thats just great, because i can't help but think that i'm the backup bf who is only here because mr.ex-bf didn't want to get back together. I also think that night she did more than kiss him and after he got what he wanted he left. What also irks me is that her and I both live on university campus, we are not more than a 1 minute walk away yet she has to spend the day with mr.ex-bf and go to a concert with him. When i confronted her about this she lied. Said it didn't happen. But when the evidence mounted ie, the source was revealed, she admitted it. She then said he slept on the floor in a sleeping bag he brought (what guy brings a sleeping bag to stay over at his ex's, its more like he brought a condom). Anyways, she said the kiss meant nothing (which i don't believe, she obviously loved him) she denies having sex (which again i don't believe, all signs point to yes they did) and when i asked her how she let him kiss her more than once she says, she doesn't know, she only human (more load of crock). She wants me to come back to her, i don't trust nor do i feel she respects me for not telling me these things. I feel stupid, naive, betrayed. If only i were more aware, maybe i could have found out sooner of prevented it. So with all the crap in my face, i still haven't broken up with her yet. Thats because and here's where i break down and cry... she was my first love among many things. That is why i find it so difficult. My first love cheated on me. I sure have to learn it the hard way. I feel jaded, if only i can live a life of solitude... Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I've read emails from and to my ex-bf about his cheating before...and it's the hardest thing in the world! I couldnt bear the thought of him looiking at some girl that way, or touching her...it drove me insane. And I read replies to him from girls...and it was so tough. I still can remember them now! I tried forever to get over it, but I just never could. I let it go on more than a year without breaking up....I didnt want to be without him, i was scared of the unknown, and he was my first love too. But this will go on in your head forever! You'll go nuts over it. Being without her at first will be REALLY hard and then get better. But being with her will be permanent misery. Find someone who respects you and would never risk losing you or hurting you that way. Bb Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 17, 2005 Share Posted March 17, 2005 Both she and the other guy will think you are an absolute chump if you don't calmly dump her right away. The story got posted on the internet, for goodness sake. Dump her as soon as possibly and tell her you won't tolerate that kind of nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 I'm assuming that you and she had an exclusive relationship. If so, this is very concerning. You had to bust her, and not only bust her, but provide hard EVIDENCE before she would even admit what she did, and even when she admitted what she did, she did it in a half-assed way. Also, nowhere in your post do I see you saying that she said "I made a terrible mistake", "I'm so sorry", "I love you so much, please forgive me". At minimum, she should fess up and be honest with you at this point, show some remorse, and assure you this will not happen again if she is serious about wanting you to stay with her. The fact that you did not hear remorse from her basically means she doesn't really regret what she did too much. It really does not look good. Whether you want to stay with her is up to you, but if you do, I believe that you should request that she do complete no contact with the ex-bf (turn and walk away when she sees him, take him out of her cell, do not talk to him on the phone, block him on any IM services she uses, and auto-bounce his emails - and if she wanted to send him a note telling him why - a note which you get to read - even better - but at LEAST the no contact). If she does not agree to that request, it is her choice, but it is also your choice who you want to spend time with. Just make the request, and make clear that it is only a request, but do also request that she let you know if she will be honoring your request - relationships are not about ultimatums. If she does not think your request is reasonable, and she still has a thing for the other guy and wants to reserve the possibility of maintaining contact with him of any sort, then you know what you need to do. There is no need to make it an "if you don't X, I will Y" situation. If she says no, you may wish to consider just doing all of the above yourself (complete no contact) - to her. Much easier said than done I know, but this woman is not being honest with you. At minimum, you should be getting an admission of what really happened, and a SINCERE apology - not just for the cheating, but for the lying about it, even after you confronted her. And I know most of you will laugh, but there is actually a 2% chance she didn't sleep with the guy - but she should still be saying what happened was very wrong (the kissing, letting him sleep over, etc.), promising never to lie to you again (and the lie here is at least as bad as the cheating), and agreeing to do no contact with him at this point. (And if you want my opinion, based on what you have said, I think it is overwhelmingly likely, while not certain, that she did the ex-bf that night, but that is between you and her as to whether or not you want to beleive she did not if that is her story and she is sticking to it). Can you tell I didn't like the way she denied it and lied about it until you produced evidence, didn't show much remorse, and then fessed up in only a half-assed way, probably lying about it some more, once you proved it? Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 I'd take what she says in her blog as the truth and seriously consider letting her go. It's up to you of course, but the fact is that if you stay with her now that trust has been broken it's going to be a hard slog. Has she apoplogised for lying? Is a four month relationship long enough to make working it out worth it? I'd say be glad you found out now what she's like, rather than later when you've become an established couple. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 You're still very young. It sucks that you had to learn the hard way and from your first love, but the amount of self-respect and dignity that you will salvage by cutting her loose are well worth it. There are other women out there that won't treat you like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 She learns absolutely nothing if you stay with her -- she can cheat on you and disrespect you in public, and you'll let it slide. Don't hate her, don't be mad, don't care - she's not worth any emotion from you. Link to post Share on other sites
LetItBe Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 you will find yourself a second love of your life i know it's hard to let go of someone you have been intimate with but ****. who does she think she is. Don't you think your love should be someone who respects you and loves you back? Link to post Share on other sites
Rick5478 Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 If I ever met a woman who was capable of being faithful to her boyfriend I'd die of a heart attack. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 You might use her as a sex doll 'till you find a more honest girl. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Originally posted by Rick5478 If I ever met a woman who was capable of being faithful to her boyfriend I'd die of a heart attack. Do find her. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Rick, women cheat because of one out of two reasons: they are either hurt or they don't love their partner. When they are hurt, it can mean that they feel rejected or unwanted or not loved or cheated or betrayed or whatever, and the guy who participates in the cheating is anybody, just whoever is available, like an ex-boyfriend or someone to just spite the BF (e.g. BF's best friend). Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by Rick5478 If I ever met a woman who was capable of being faithful to her boyfriend I'd die of a heart attack. Rick, there are alot of girls out there who don't cheat. It's not fair to think we all do. Just because your girlfriend cheated and hurt you.. dosn't mean women aren' capable of being faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pho88 Posted April 2, 2005 Author Share Posted April 2, 2005 For the record she was very sorry and apologized plenty. She even said she would lose contact with all the ex-bfs of her's. I decided on the second chance, I figured i couldn't get more hurt than the first time because i knew the second time it happened she wouldn't even be worth a passing thought. I'm just living and learning :/ Something else i learned about the story was that the ex-bf is in the army. Just greeaatttt, sounds like a conjugal visit to me... #%^&!!! New crap... A week ago i visited her actual home and saw her room. I went through a few drawers and looked around a bit in a curious bf fashion and not the paranoid jealous bf fashion. Anways, i found a condom in on of her drawers and asked her why she had it (she's on the pill), she replies with a "I honestly don't know where that came from," I didn't say much to that. I also saw a little picture box thing she had (i'm not sure who made it) of her and a different ex-bf... Her logic was that it was something someone gave her and she would feel bad for throwing it out if ever she were to meet the guy again and he asked about it. Now seriously, where is the logic? Who has a keepsake of a previous relationship in case they ever meet that person again? and why would you feel bad for throwing away something that no longer means anything to you. We had a talk about it and thats what i got from her. Also she goes home a weekend a month so you all know what I thought about what the condom meant, she said it was an a**h*** thing to suggest and she cried through most of this discussion about what i saw in her room... What do you guys think about the significance of my findings? I only looked through the room sparingly and yielded two funny pieces of evidence, i wonder what would happen if i went through her entire room, the kinds of stuff i might find. This isn't technically cheating but its really hard evidence of odd behaviour. I'd break up with her but I lack the resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Hello, I think she is making you out to be quite the fool. She does not know where a condom came from in her room at her home?......Oh please. Look my friend. She has cheated on you because you caught her in the past. She has no answer for you when you caught her with a condom. Clearly she is putting your health at risk. If you cannot respect yourself then who will? She is playing you and I think you know it. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be putting up with all of this crap? Why do you wish to accept such disrespect and humiliation? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 2, 2005 Share Posted April 2, 2005 Hello again, Here is another thought on the condom. The fact that the condom was on her dresser and she claims she has no idea where it came from is quite telling since you say she is on the pill. More than likely some guy came over and took out the condom and she told him he did not need it since she was on the pill and he left it. Another reason maybe that the guy had herpes or some other STD or she thought he may have an STD and insisted on him using a condom just in case. He may have used a couple of them and one was left. You busted her and she had no answer why the condom was on her dresser. I think you are really putting your health at great risk being with her. You need to open your eyes. Your health is too important to risk with a girl that has already gotten caught cheating on you and now has no answers for you about condoms in her room. You deserve better than this. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pho88 Posted April 2, 2005 Author Share Posted April 2, 2005 i'm tired of being lied to and feeling lied to. I need to hear it from her mouth that she slept with these guys, i'm going to interrogate it out of her and then i'm going to break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 I really, really wouldn't bother. You're only dragging your sense of self down in your interest for evil details. She's not worth it, the truth is probably worse than you want to believe and better than you may suspect. But in the end, who cares? A man/woman who cheats or permits the appearance of it isn't worth your emotional energy. Either she doesn't care about you at all (in which case, you sticking around with her makes you look foolish to yourself and her) or she thinks you'll put up with it because she has a silly little girl view that you are involved in a love triangle. Calmly disabuse her of that notion. You want to cause her some serious psychological harm? Walk away like she's a bad movie. Link to post Share on other sites
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