How does a woman succesfully approach a man?

[Snakechammah]

I asked out the guy I ended up living with for 14 years.

 

 

The lead up to the asking out was more important that the asking out plus I didn't ask him out in a way that put any pressure on at all.

 

 

This is how it all happened:

 

 

I had been out for the night and it had been a pretty boring night. I hadn't eaten much that day and on my walk home I decided to pop into a local late night restaurant as often there would be a crowd of guys and girls who went there on Friday nights who I was friends with - they are always up for 'more the merrier' so I knew that if they were there I would be welcomed.

 

 

I walked in, spotted a few of the crowd and they were standing and had just arrived. Someone called out my name and I realised another friend was in there so I stopped to talk for a bit.

 

 

I kept my eye on my crowd so that I could go join them when they sat down.

 

 

However, I also spotted this guy who I had never seen before. He also spotted me and we locked eyes for a brief second.

I then did something instinctive and took my jacket off. I remember thinking at the time 'I want you to notice me' and I looked nicer (so I thought) with the jacket off rather than on. Essentially, I was showing off and wanted him to check me out.

He saw me do this and we smiled at each other. He did check me out!

The next few seconds I concentrated on my friend at the table I was next to but all this while I could see from the corner of my eye that he was watching me.

 

 

The crowd started to move to sit down so I said my goodbyes and went over to say hello and ask if I could join the crowd. All was good.

The guy went quiet but then he made sure that he sat next to me and he introduced himself to me.

 

 

We all had something to eat and me and him got on really well.

I did find out though that he had a girlfriend at the time.

 

 

When the meal was over we all left and I was walking in the same direction as him and another guy who I knew from school (turned out my guy was renting a room from my school friend).

 

 

When I went to turn off the road we were on and walk home he offered to walk me to my door - which he did - we stood chatting for ages.

The next part I am not too happy with myself about but he said that he and his gf weren't a serious thing (he had said this during dinner actually).

Anyway, we were talking so long and it was cold and he asked if I wanted a late drink back at his place - so I said yes.

 

 

We chatted back at his for a couple of hours, stayed in the living room. My school friend popped down to say hello for a bit.

 

 

I called a cab and left and that was that.

No numbers were exchanged or anything and nothing happened between us that night.

 

 

Over the next three months I would see him while I was out and about.

He was always happy to see me and we always had a quick chat.

 

 

I remember one night he was at a club and I had gone there with some friends. He came over to say hello but then the rest of the time he kept looking at me. My friends noticed it first.

I would look over at him now and then too.

 

 

About a month later I was at another club. Me and my friends walked through to go upstairs and find a table and while walking through I saw him. We smiled and said hello.

 

 

A bit later I managed to spill an entire drink over one of my friends. I felt so bad! I apologised and got him another drink (yes I managed to spill his drink over him!). After that the friend got grumpier and grumpier with me over it and the rest of our friends were getting a bit tired of it.

I decided to get away for a bit and go down to the dance floor.

So, my guy was there between the stairs and the dance floor.

 

 

We looked at each other and I asked for a hug and told him I was having a bad night.

We ended up finding a table in the corner of a quieter bar and we sat there all night talking and telling life stories.

He was now single btw as he had ended things with the girl he was seeing.

 

 

We left and got a cab home. We let the cab go once we got to my house and so again we stood and chatted for another long time.

He was about to walk home and I asked him if he wanted to join me and a couple of female friends the following Wednesday as we were going to a karaoke night. (this was my ask out').

He said he would love to but he had a weekly badminton game and his likelihood of making it and getting a lift to the venue would be pretty small.

 

 

He said he would see if he could come but he probably wouldn't be able to make it.

I pretty much took that as a no but had a teeny bit of hope he might turn up.

I was fine with his reasons and didn't react in any bad way, showed no disappointment and we said goodbye.

 

 

Wednesday rolled around and me and my two girlfriends were at the karaoke. They knew about the guy and were watching the door like hawks!

 

 

By 9pm I had given up any hope.

About 15 mins later my two friends said in unison 'A guy just walked in with a badminton racquet in his hand and a huge sports bag'.

I thought they were kidding.

Another 10 minutes or so passes and there he is at my side smiling at me. He had gone off to get changed out of his sports gear.

 

 

He confessed that he couldn't get a lift so had to get a cab. He also said what a pain it had been on his way to work on the bus as he had had to pack not only his sports gear but also another change of clothes for the night out but that nothing would have stopped him from turning up to see me. Aw!

He also confessed that he never asked for my number as he knew where I lived and he was planning on coming to see me and ask me out. He was flattered that I asked him but quite surprised, he did say he was very happy about being asked though.

 

 

My friend was driving and we dropped him off that night. He collared me out of the car, took me to his door, kissed me and asked for my number.

He then called me two days later and invited me on a date.

 

 

It was obvious there was mutual attraction between us but also we talked a lot and built up a friendship too.

 

OMG I love this story (and it's real!).. I was sooo rooting for you and him to get together with all that attraction!!! And the idea of him walking in with a badminton racquet and sports bag sounds really hot!

 

Aww... that's a super beautiful love story, Gemma! Thank you for sharing!

[Haydn]

I love when girls make a move. Pretty common where i come from.

[xxoo]

Another no?!

 

I'm honestly surprised. I expected the no's to be in the minority.

 

Ok Johan, what's an example of a good, clear signal?

 

Eye contact and warm smiles. Your face brightens when he approaches. Light flattery and flirting never hurts.

 

Can you tell when a guy is attracted to you?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Don't make a huge deal out of it. Treat him the way you would any potential new friend: be nice, ask him questions about himself, listen to him, find common grounds of interest. You can usually tell within a couple minutes if he's actually relationship material or just eye candy. I have struck up plenty of innocent conversations with guys at bars. Some turned flirtatious, some didn't. Sometimes there was no romantic chemistry but we bonded over shared tastes in bourbon. (I once spent nearly an hour arguing with a guy about the best Willett. The 21-year unfiltered single barrel is the best, obviously.)

 

No one is going to ignore special chemistry just because you initiated the conversation. If he truly finds you intriguing, he's not going to care who approaches whom.

[GemmaUK]

OMG I love this story (and it's real!).. I was sooo rooting for you and him to get together with all that attraction!!! And the idea of him walking in with a badminton racquet and sports bag sounds really hot!

 

Aww... that's a super beautiful love story, Gemma! Thank you for sharing!

 

 

Thanks Snakechammah!

 

Yep! All true and that story panned over three months. I was very attracted to him but also we had talked so much and opened up to each other to such an extent that he would have been a friend no matter whether he had turned up that night or not.

 

 

Three weeks into dating he told me he loved me, I wasn't quite ready for that and I saw his face drop a little when my reply went like this 'I can't say love quite yet' then as I continued one huge grin appeared on his face after I finished with 'but I definitely lust you!!! Will that do for now?'

[normal person]

For me it has a lot more to do with the girl than what she says. I've never been floored by a women's cold approach. I'll pretty much always indulge a girl who randomly wants to talk. As a guy you learn how shy and apprehensive women are about the whole thing (hence this thread) so I think it's nice to validate their effort a bit even if you're not particularly interested. Girls can actually be kind of adorable when they try this sort of thing.

 

Commonly I'll get something along the lines of "I like your jacket/suit/shirt." More recently I got a "Do you wanna be best friends?"

 

Situational or circumstantial stuff is even less intense:

- Bumping into him and apologizing

- Starting a debate with friends and asking a stranger (the guy) to weigh in on it

- Commenting on something in the vicinity

 

 

Best of luck

[MissBee]

I'm interested in some tips on how women can succesfully be the initiator. All my past attempts got me rejected so I'm pretty bad

 

I'm not looking to date currently, but am curious, because once I do want to date I expect I will need to be prepared for doing this.

 

Men, what makes a good approach?

 

Women, what has worked for you?

 

I don't think it means your approach was wrong, but maybe that those guys didn't like you for whatever reason (not their type, they were taken already, liked someone else etc). Unless of course you behaved very strangely or were too forward or were very awkward or some other turn off.

 

I've had men approach me perfectly fine, but I simply wasn't attracted to them or I was taken so turned them down. It wasn't because the approach was bad though. It would have been a good approach if I was attracted or single.

 

So IMO if successful means an approach that will guarantee any man you ask out will say yes to you - there's no such thing as someone saying no isn't just about the approach and they may not be interested for lots of other reasons.

 

I think that if a man finds you attractive, he's single, he's open to dating and you approach him in a friendly manner and flirt a little he will GLADLY take you up on what you're offering in my experience. If however, he isn't attracted to you, isn't single or isn't open for dating, no matter your approach he'll probably decline. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong or weird.

[FitChick]

There are no absolutes in dating. There is no magic formula.

[johan]

Another no?!

 

I'm honestly surprised. I expected the no's to be in the minority.

 

Ok Johan, what's an example of a good, clear signal?

 

Well, others have pointed out that it's not a bad idea simply to do what you want. Experiment. Ask guys out. What's the harm? It might work.

 

I'm not saying there is an absolute rule. Maybe I said that because pretty much every girl who ever made the first move with me was someone I wasn't interested in. But on the other hand, if it had been a girl I was interested in I wouldn't reject her.

 

I haven't always been powerful in my relationships. There were times when I could be made to feel insecure if I felt I was being perceived a certain way, and I'm not at my most appealing when I get to feeling insecure. Being asked out by a girl I was interested in sometimes could highlight my own failure to take action and put me on my back foot. I was never good at recovering from that.

 

Better in those cases would be if the girl simply just made efforts to be around me. Small touches. Friendliness, smiling... "I'll ride with you." If I felt she was trying to dress in a way that appealed to me. If I felt that she was showing me the door was open to me and not so open to other guys.

 

One girl I was somewhat interested in was mostly just friendly, but one time at lunch with others she was sitting next to me, and I suddenly found her leg deliberately against mine. Her legs were nice, too. Even now I remember how it felt. Of course that sent me up the wall and it was only a matter of a couple days and I was doing all I could to seduce her.

[Phoe]

Gemma, your story was adorable! I'd love something like that to happen

 

 

 

 

But the twinkle in the eye, eye contact, and the cute little smiles you give him ALWAYS work, just find your signature flirt move(; body language also shows a lot. Make sure your body is relax and not tense.

 

 

Isn't this a bit too subtle? I make eye contact and smile a lot with everyone, no one would seriously take it as me showing interest, right?

 

Flirt with him, often but not too often. Sometimes don't even talk to him, he will wonder why you aren't flirting with him and it will make him wonder. Baby steps is the best thing to do especially if you want him to ask you out. I hope you can find some of this useful!(:

 

Guys want what they can't have(:

 

 

Eh, game playing isn't something I want to do... but again, isn't it all just too subtle? I've never been able to get a guy I like to ask me out, subtle doesn't get the message out.

 

Eye contact and warm smiles. Your face brightens when he approaches. Light flattery and flirting never hurts.

 

Can you tell when a guy is attracted to you?

 

 

Like I said above, isn't that all too subtle? I smile warmly to everyone I know. My face brightens when I greet anyone I know. Don't all people react this way when greeting people they know? No matter who it is?

 

 

No, I can't tell when a guy is attracted. I'm not getting any sort of hints about it, as far as I can tell.

 

Don't make a huge deal out of it. Treat him the way you would any potential new friend: be nice, ask him questions about himself, listen to him, find common grounds of interest.

 

 

See, this is the point I was making above. I treat everyone like a friend and treat everyone I like (romantically or not) warmly. This makes it too subtle. Who would ever pick up on that?

 

I don't want to stop acting warmly with friends, just so that the warmness can be "specially reserved" for someone I'm interested in, and I also don't want to ramp up the obviousness so much that I'm throwing myself at men that I'm interested in, because that will turn men off.

 

 

This is all so difficult! lol

 

 

Situational or circumstantial stuff is even less intense:

- Bumping into him and apologizing

- Starting a debate with friends and asking a stranger (the guy) to weigh in on it

- Commenting on something in the vicinity

 

How does this show actual interest and not just friendliness/politeness? I'm concerned that this is what gets me friendzoned.

 

 

After overhearing the conversation yesterday where the man said "well, she's polite" about me, I'm concerned that being polite or friendly, is a bad thing, and kills any interest.

 

 

There are no absolutes in dating. There is no magic formula.

 

 

Well of course there's no magic formula, but some pointers in the right direction are always good.

[Targetlock]

I'm interested in some tips on how women can succesfully be the initiator. All my past attempts got me rejected so I'm pretty bad

 

I'm not looking to date currently, but am curious, because once I do want to date I expect I will need to be prepared for doing this.

 

Men, what makes a good approach?

 

Women, what has worked for you?

 

firstly their loss

 

Secondly i love to be approached, make a nice change relieve some of the pressure for socially shy guys such as myself.

[Gloria25]

Thanks Snakechammah!

 

Yep! All true and that story panned over three months. I was very attracted to him but also we had talked so much and opened up to each other to such an extent that he would have been a friend no matter whether he had turned up that night or not.

 

 

Three weeks into dating he told me he loved me, I wasn't quite ready for that and I saw his face drop a little when my reply went like this 'I can't say love quite yet' then as I continued one huge grin appeared on his face after I finished with 'but I definitely lust you!!! Will that do for now?'

 

Yes, thanks for sharing GemmaUK!!!

 

Except for the quick ILY, I love how you two built up the connection.

 

But he had a gf the time you met him?!? Do you mind me asking how that went?

[normal person]

 

How does this show actual interest and not just friendliness/politeness? I'm concerned that this is what gets me friendzoned.

 

It's just an excuse to start talking. It's safer and less obvious than saying something more direct. It's your ice breaker, then you continue talking to the guy. If he likes what he sees and hears from you after you start talking, it worked. It's not going to matter what you say to him to get his attention at first. What's going to friendzone you is likely just whether or not he thinks you're attractive. No guy is going to dismiss a girl he thinks is cute because she's too friendly/polite. Best of luck, Phoe.

[xxoo]

Like I said above, isn't that all too subtle? I smile warmly to everyone I know. My face brightens when I greet anyone I know. Don't all people react this way when greeting people they know? No matter who it is?

 

 

No, I can't tell when a guy is attracted. I'm not getting any sort of hints about it, as .

 

There's a qualitative difference in the type of brightness when communicating interest. This guy is special, so he should get a brighter smile, maybe a longer smile than all the others guys you know. If you're treating him exactly like every other guy, of course he won't recognize any sign of interest.

 

I'm guessing that there are subtleties of non-verbal communication that you miss. There are probably books and websites that would help you with that.

[thefooloftheyear]

The women, around here anyway, arent afraid to approach a guy..Even had some that have gotten pretty sexually suggestive on initial cold approaches... Anyway....

 

I dont have a problem with it, and I cant imagine how a guy in this day and age would be ?? Seems silly..If you arent interested, just politely decline or tell them you are involved with someone else, even if you arent....As a matter of fact, I am not one to cold approach women, so it would be a plus for someone like me...I am also totally aloof to garden variety flirting, as I am sure many other guys are as well...

 

So, I guess, my advice is if there are guys out there that you like, Id say dont be afraid to approach....Some just need a little nudge, I suppose...Like women say to men, just dont be upset if you get rejected..It happens to everyone..

 

TFY

[Phoe]

Ugh.

 

I'm getting the feeling I shouldn't try this.

 

It looks as though I already do what I should be doing, and it just comes down to to men not being interested. It's kind of like... If a guy were interested, he would've shown it or seen the opportunity from me being friendly and inviting.

 

It would be a waste of time to pursue men, as their nonpursuit of me, by default, indicates disinterest, yes?

[thefooloftheyear]

Ugh.

 

I'm getting the feeling I shouldn't try this.

 

It looks as though I already do what I should be doing, and it just comes down to to men not being interested. It's kind of like... If a guy were interested, he would've shown it or seen the opportunity from me being friendly and inviting.

 

It would be a waste of time to pursue men, as their nonpursuit of me, by default, indicates disinterest, yes?

 

I say not necessarily...

 

Many guys are shy or just flat out dont heavily pursue women...They just dont, its not in their nature..

 

I wanted to edit my previous post by saying that some guys wont respond to flirting alone, as they may not be aware of it...So, I suppose you could be missing out if you are using flirting alone...

 

I guess its entirely dependent on the guy..

 

TFY

Edited November 23, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[Phoe]

I say not necessarily...

 

I wanted to edit my previous post by saying that some guys wont respond to flirting alone, as they may not be aware of it...So, I suppose you could be missing out if you are using flirting alone...

 

I guess its entirely dependent on the guy..

 

TFY

 

True, but the responses in this thread lead me to believe that it's more likely that 1.) if the man were interested he would've done something about it already, or 2.) he wouldn't like being pursued anyway, for a variety of personal reasons.

 

I've decided I won't do any approaching. Bad news all around.

[johan]

Ugh.

 

I'm getting the feeling I shouldn't try this.

 

It looks as though I already do what I should be doing, and it just comes down to to men not being interested. It's kind of like... If a guy were interested, he would've shown it or seen the opportunity from me being friendly and inviting.

 

It would be a waste of time to pursue men, as their nonpursuit of me, by default, indicates disinterest, yes?

 

No it doesn't indicate that. Some guys just don't pursue much. Some guys are single for long periods of time. I think you should try it and see what happens. Why not? You don't have to get down on one knee or anything. Just propose getting together sometime for some event. No pressure.

 

Prepare for them to say no sometimes. I would think you'd do pretty well with guys as long as you stay cool.

[thefooloftheyear]

True, but the responses in this thread lead me to believe that it's more likely that 1.) if the man were interested he would've done something about it already, or 2.) he wouldn't like being pursued anyway, for a variety of personal reasons.

 

I've decided I won't do any approaching. Bad news all around.

 

 

Sorry....They're wrong, in my book...NOT all guys are like this...but do as you wish....Just want you to see another perspective...

 

To your first point(1)...

 

Lets say you work with a guy and think he is your type and you click..He may be one of the types that is totally focused on work...He isnt out there trying to troll or game a woman...Or maybe, he is just happy being single(not that he wouldnt want a gf, but isnt putting himself "out there") and isnt going to approach a woman, because it just isnt all that important at the time..You hit on him and he might be thrilled and honored.I just dont buy into that theory that only guys that pursue are interested...As a matter of fact, Id bet that a lot of the heavy pursuers are more the type that are gaming for sex....They have to operate that way...

 

On the second point...

 

What guy on green earth wouldnt like being pursued? To me, that speaks of some deep insecurity...I dont know what to make of that...Any guy that is confident and well grounded will find it completely flattering, even if there is no initial physical attraction....

 

No disrespect to any posters, but as I am sure you are aware, a random sample of responses to a question on this site rarely can set a precedent for the rest of the real world...

 

I wish you well, whatever you decide...

 

TFY

[GemmaUK]

Yes, thanks for sharing GemmaUK!!!

 

Except for the quick ILY, I love how you two built up the connection.

 

But he had a gf the time you met him?!? Do you mind me asking how that went?

 

I first happened to meet him in December about a week after they had met I and asked him out in March when he was single. He split with her in February.

[somedude81]

Generally I feel that women should not approach men.

 

In my life I've only been approached by unattractive women. I believe that happens because those women know that men don't want them so they need to be aggressive. If an attractive women approached me I'd probably be a bit wary because she shouldn't have to approach men and I'd wonder if something was wrong with her.

 

What you should be doing is trying to create interest in men so they want to approach you. And when a man does approach you I think it would be a good idea to act flattered even if you weren't interested unless he was creepy.

 

Something also tells me that you don't have much practice with flirting with men. So when a guy is interested in you and try's to talk to you, you're completely non-responsive so they quickly give up.

[EngnimaticResponse]

Ugh.

 

I'm getting the feeling I shouldn't try this.

 

It looks as though I already do what I should be doing, and it just comes down to to men not being interested. It's kind of like... If a guy were interested, he would've shown it or seen the opportunity from me being friendly and inviting.

 

It would be a waste of time to pursue men, as their nonpursuit of me, by default, indicates disinterest, yes?

 

Welcome to the other side of the fence. A large number of women seem to think it is not difficult because there are a good number of men(the ones hitting on them/dating them) that make it look easy. It's not. As with anything else, it takes practice. And a lot of rejection, unless you are good looking with a boat-load of confidence. I think the more successfull men are the ones who took the shot-gun approach. Asking a large number of women to learn which types would say yes, then put away the shot-gun and setting thier sights on only those groups.

 

As F.ot.Y suggests however some of us are just not made that way. This makes things tougher and slows our progress.

 

I myself have not been on a date in over 10 years. (Not that I have been really putting in the effort to do so.) If a woman had the guts to "man-up" and ask me out, or at least for my number, I would not turn her down unless I had absolutely no interest.

[lino]

Men like being approached no differently than women like to be approached.

 

Rejection happens and I'll repeat the same advice thrown around here a million times to men 'keep trying, it's a numbers game', 'dont take rejection personally.'

[Imported]

Have you tried showing your boobs off and the butt as well?

 

It's hard to think of a girl as just a friend when she is sexually attractive. I don't mean be all slooty like, but if you dress in dumpy clothes like a garbage bag for a top (because you don't want to show off the goods!) and your grandmothers 4 sizes too big slacks, guys might not see you as sexually attractive. Even though something nice might be hiding underneath.