How does a woman succesfully approach a man?

[the tank]

Too many men are too shy to approach woman , so yes you should approach a man you like. Nothing to loose

[mammasita]

If I found a woman attractive I wouldn't care how she asked me, just makes sure to make it obvious your interested and keep the convo going.

 

Phoe, this is the key. Your approach and what you say could be completely fumbled but if the guy finds you cute/attractive/charming/witty/whatever floats his boat, you're in. I'm the same when a man approaches me - he could use the corniest of the corn pick up line, but if there's something there that intrigues me, it's gonna work.

 

I always say go for it no matter what, at least when I was single, I'd find my entry point (usually something comedic or witty associated with the envorinment we are in) and go for it no matter what. Rejection is part of the game because we all know I/you/he/she wont float everybodies boat, but we will never know know unless we try.

[CrystalCastles]

I've decided I won't do any approaching. Bad news all around.

 

That is a really defeatist attitude. If you want something, why not go for it? Not every wonderful thing is going to simply fall from the sky and drop into your lap. Sometimes you have to go get it.

 

You mentioned you like "shy nerdy guys" right? Well guess what. Shy nerdy guys are just that- shy. So with them you have to try a different tactic, that means YOU approach. They aren't the ones that are going to find that unattractive. If anything, they'll be super relieved.

 

In my life I've only been approached by unattractive women. I believe that happens because those women know that men don't want them so they need to be aggressive. If an attractive women approached me I'd probably be a bit wary because she shouldn't have to approach men and I'd wonder if something was wrong with her.

 

I think that's a bit unfair. If an attractive woman likes a guy, why not approach him? She should be free to do whatever she wants without the guy in question getting suspicious that there's something wrong with her.

 

Have you tried showing your boobs off and the butt as well?

 

It's hard to think of a girl as just a friend when she is sexually attractive. I don't mean be all slooty like, but if you dress in dumpy clothes like a garbage bag for a top (because you don't want to show off the goods!) and your grandmothers 4 sizes too big slacks, guys might not see you as sexually attractive. Even though something nice might be hiding underneath.

 

If you look through Phoe's photos, she dresses well. Nothing remotely close to dumpy grandmother's clothes. So I don't think she needs to worry about that...

[somedude81]

 

I think that's a bit unfair. If an attractive woman likes a guy, why not approach him? She should be free to do whatever she wants without the guy in question getting suspicious that there's something wrong with her.

 

No it's not fair. But that's just how things are.

 

Virtually all men believe that a desirable woman doesn't have to approach men. So if a woman is approaching, it must mean that something is off with her.

 

It's just a gut feeling.

[ascendotum]

Don't know how true it is, but the old idea is that most men prefer the "hunt" for their mate, and if a woman is too available, forward, or chases after him, he doesn't value her as much. Guys?

 

With the guys I knew who were players, yes they did prefer a woman that was a challenge....for a long term gf. They were used to women being easy for them, so a woman that called them out on their bs and didn't fall for them intrigued them...as long as she she played along a little and it wasn't a total case of talk to the hand. For guys that struggle with women they would love to have a woman be more available because they hardly ever get shown overt sexual interest from a woman or get that many conversations initiated by women. My guess it is it will be along those lines. Women will favor holding back because they can avoid rejection + they can filter out the less assertive guys.

 

Chasing the guy is a bit extreme, but being available or slightly forward should be no problem for majority of men imo. I guess the other factor as someone else mentioned is how much the guy fancies the woman that is coming onto him. In women's favor is that guys will either politely decline with an excuse or pretend they did not pick up on her remarks, rather than give them attitude for hitting on them.

[Phoe]

If an attractive women approached me I'd probably be a bit wary because she shouldn't have to approach men and I'd wonder if something was wrong with her.

 

Something also tells me that you don't have much practice with flirting with men. So when a guy is interested in you and try's to talk to you, you're completely non-responsive so they quickly give up.

 

 

Okay, sensing a thinly veiled shot at telling me there's something wrong with me. What's up with that?

 

 

As far as flirting goes, it depends on what someone considers flirting. What I consider friendly, is considered by some, flirty. Others might not consider me flirty at all. It all depends on someone's view.

 

 

I don't flirt brazenly, not at all. I'm not aggressive about it. My flirting is friendly and innocent. But I have definitely been friendly towards someone, and then someone else accused me of flirting with them, which I didn't feel I was.

 

 

I don't know how to flirt in a very obvious way.

 

 

Nonresponsive? You say that as if men must be coming up to me to talk and I'm just staring at them like they're aliens. That's ridiculous.

 

 

I'm not non-responsive. If I were, I'd have a hard time making friends and would likely get labeled a bitch. That's not the case. When people chat with me, I am friendly and chat back. I laugh ALOT. For example, like the guy I mentioned a few others times in this thread. He works at the place I get my lunch. We always chat, laugh and smile, when I come in. Then of course, when his coworker asked what's up with that, he says "Well, she's polite" - as if my politeness obligates him to talk to me.

 

Have you tried showing your boobs off and the butt as well?

 

It's hard to think of a girl as just a friend when she is sexually attractive. I don't mean be all slooty like, but if you dress in dumpy clothes like a garbage bag for a top (because you don't want to show off the goods!) and your grandmothers 4 sizes too big slacks, guys might not see you as sexually attractive. Even though something nice might be hiding underneath.

 

 

I wear form fitting clothes. I don't wear low cut tops as my breasts are large and the cleavage is too much, but my clothes are fitted.

 

 

How you get the idea that I'm wearing grandma potato sack clothes is beyond me

 

That is a really defeatist attitude. If you want something, why not go for it? Not every wonderful thing is going to simply fall from the sky and drop into your lap. Sometimes you have to go get it.

 

I'm the poster girl for knowing that nothing will fall from the sky into my lap.

 

 

It's just that approaching was never something I wanted to do. Especially after past rejections.

 

 

But a long time ago a LOT of people told me that since I struggle to get dates and don't get approached, that I'd likely be better off doing my own approaching.

 

 

More and more I thought about that idea and figured that it probably IS the only way I'd get dates off of OLD. Even though I don't want to, I figured I'd suck it up and learn how to do it.

 

 

Then I get all the responses here from men indicating that it's not a good thing, and well, it's not hard to convince me not to do something that I didn't much want to do in the first place.

 

 

If men are gonna think there's something wrong with me, or that I'm easy, I certainly won't cause myself the stress!

[Omei]

Going through this thread ive always liked ya somerdude81 but your comments and ideas about why a girl shouldn't approach a guy or that there might be something wrong with a girl is totally wack! And some crazy conclusions !

 

I usually am always the advancer I find most men fear rejection and I just don't wanna sit on my ass month after month waiting for a guy to ask me out.

 

Could you imagine if us woman really did that? Waited for guys to ask us out, when they finally did ask chances are its not even gonna be by someone you find attractive or end up liking.

 

People that get the happy ever after are the ones that worked hard to find it.

[somedude81]

Okay, sensing a thinly veiled shot at telling me there's something wrong with me. What's up with that?

 

I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about women that have approached me.

 

I have a history of being approached or getting strong hints of interest from undesirable women.

 

If an attractive woman approached me, I would be vary wary of her because it's completely out of the norm.

 

Once again it has nothing to do with you, it's just what some men are thinking about women who approach.

 

As far as flirting goes, it depends on what someone considers flirting. What I consider friendly, is considered by some, flirty. Others might not consider me flirty at all. It all depends on someone's view.

 

 

I don't flirt brazenly, not at all. I'm not aggressive about it. My flirting is friendly and innocent. But I have definitely been friendly towards someone, and then someone else accused me of flirting with them, which I didn't feel I was.

 

Yeah, it probably varies person by person. My impression of you is that you have a very friendly flirting style that guys can't pick up on, pretty much the same problem I have.

 

As for that person, he probably thinks that all women are flirting with him.

 

I don't know how to flirt in a very obvious way.

 

That may be it.

 

If guys you were interested in could tell that you were flirting with them, then you wouldn't have to go out of your way to approach.

 

Nonresponsive? You say that as if men must be coming up to me to talk and I'm just staring at them like they're aliens. That's ridiculous.

 

 

I'm not non-responsive. If I were, I'd have a hard time making friends and would likely get labeled a bitch. That's not the case. When people chat with me, I am friendly and chat back. I laugh ALOT. For example, like the guy I mentioned a few others times in this thread. He works at the place I get my lunch. We always chat, laugh and smile, when I come in. Then of course, when his coworker asked what's up with that, he says "Well, she's polite" - as if my politeness obligates him to talk to me.

 

Then no, you aren't non-responsive.

 

Laughing a lot is a great sign. The "she's polite" response just means he isn't interested.

[Woggle]

Just talk to a guy like a regular person and be natural. That is what I always did with women and it worked. Men and women really aren't much different so I imagine it will work the other way around.

[Kowaco]

I can tell you exactly how to do it, you need to listen to what men say because if he's interested he is going to try and get some response from you that shows its okay to make the next move.

[CrystalCastles]

Then of course, when his coworker asked what's up with that, he says "Well, she's polite" - as if my politeness obligates him to talk to me.

 

I don't think he meant it as that. I don't think he talks to you because you're polite and he's forced to. I think he talks to you because you're a nice person and most people enjoy talking to and socializing with nice people. I talk to people who are polite. Its nice when someone is polite to you.

 

 

I'm the poster girl for knowing that nothing will fall from the sky into my lap.

 

 

It's just that approaching was never something I wanted to do. Especially after past rejections.

 

 

But a long time ago a LOT of people told me that since I struggle to get dates and don't get approached, that I'd likely be better off doing my own approaching.

 

 

More and more I thought about that idea and figured that it probably IS the only way I'd get dates off of OLD. Even though I don't want to, I figured I'd suck it up and learn how to do it.

 

 

Then I get all the responses here from men indicating that it's not a good thing, and well, it's not hard to convince me not to do something that I didn't much want to do in the first place.

 

 

If men are gonna think there's something wrong with me, or that I'm easy, I certainly won't cause myself the stress!

 

Easy? Well! I don't understand how a confident girl who approaches a guy can be interpreted as "easy". By that definition, I must be a whore.

 

These guys, Phoe, are just a few of the many guys on this planet. I've seen those threads where people are encouraging you to go ask guys out. And frankly I agree with them. There will always be some guy who will take it as an insult to his oh-so-fragile masculinity that some woman got out of her kitchen and asked a guy out like OMG! Men keep saying on here that they're sick of paying for dates, that they want women to start behaving as the equals they claim to be, well doesn't that apply here too?

 

If a guy is attracted to you, he's not going to be scared off if you ask him out. Not every guy prefers to do the asking out. If you're targeting the shy, nerdy types, they're going to like being asked out. Because from my experiences, the asking out stuff is not their forte.

 

I don't see anything wrong with asking a man out. You've had problems waiting for guys to ask you out, so why not give another method a try? I think that your problem lies not in the approaching guys part, but more in reading signals. If you were violently rejected (which frankly is really rude and immature of those guys, but I digress), perhaps you can avoid these situations by doing your best to notice, first, if a guy is responsive to your flirting. If he's acting stone-cold, then definitely not. But if he's flirting back, finding excuses to talk to you, seems warm and responsive, then that's a green light IMO. Before you pull such a brave move like asking someone out, you have to first gage whether or not they seem to like you.

[Copelandsanity]

The challenge you need to solve is to strategize how you get out of where you are and move somewhere that is more heavily populated with good singles in your demographic. How you are acting could be completely and totally fine, but dating is a numbers game, and the numbers are not on your side.

Edited November 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Okay, sensing a thinly veiled shot at telling me there's something wrong with me. What's up with that?

 

Honestly, I really didn't see it as a shot at you at all. I have guy friends who have pretty much said the same thing SD said. Correct or not, a lot of guys really do have a sense of wariness when it comes to women openly pursuing them. Some of them are flat out agitated/put off by it.

 

As far as flirting goes, it depends on what someone considers flirting. What I consider friendly, is considered by some, flirty. Others might not consider me flirty at all. It all depends on someone's view.

 

I don't flirt brazenly, not at all. I'm not aggressive about it. My flirting is friendly and innocent. But I have definitely been friendly towards someone, and then someone else accused me of flirting with them, which I didn't feel I was.

 

Of course it depends on perception but I kind of agree that you might need to work on your flirtation skills. I get accused of being flitatious even when I'm not. Hell, my mom accused me of flirting with a female cashier today though I was just being congenial. However, admittedly, I do flirt a ton, regardless of whether my end game is to get a date or not. Nothing brazen, overtly sexual or aggressive, but enough that it's quite clear I'm being more than just "friendly".

 

The reason I personally would say the problem likely lies with you/your demeanor is.....well...I mean, you're an attractive woman first and foremost. That alone gives you an advantage a lot of women just don't have, so your lack of success suggests you're either too subtle when flirting or just not very good at it. Let's be real here, an attractive woman throwing a smile in a guy's direction can be perceived as interest, so if you're genuinely flirting yet getting zero response you're probably doing it wrong.

 

I don't know, something about your whole attitude feels....off...it's weird, I can't quite put my finger on it but something about you sort of screams insecure and maybe that translates into real life? It's almost as if you don't quite recognize your own value and power nor know how to harness it.

 

Again, you're a very attractive woman and from everything I've read that you've written, you come across as very well rounded, easygoing and down to earth. In theory, you should be having men falling at your feet with a simple smile and a bit of warm conversation. The fact that you're having this much trouble tells me there's something lacking in your technique.

[somedude81]

There is a thread on the boards that puts out an a good example why it's not that good idea for a woman to really pursue a man.

 

This is a link to the end of the story.

 

IMO the guy is pretty weird but he does give an honest answer to what he thinks about being pursued by a woman.

[EngnimaticResponse]

I don't think he meant it as that. I don't think he talks to you because you're polite and he's forced to. I think he talks to you because you're a nice person and most people enjoy talking to and socializing with nice people. I talk to people who are polite. Its nice when someone is polite to you.

 

 

 

 

Easy? Well! I don't understand how a confident girl who approaches a guy can be interpreted as "easy". By that definition, I must be a whore.

 

These guys, Phoe, are just a few of the many guys on this planet. I've seen those threads where people are encouraging you to go ask guys out. And frankly I agree with them. There will always be some guy who will take it as an insult to his oh-so-fragile masculinity that some woman got out of her kitchen and asked a guy out like OMG! Men keep saying on here that they're sick of paying for dates, that they want women to start behaving as the equals they claim to be, well doesn't that apply here too?

 

If a guy is attracted to you, he's not going to be scared off if you ask him out. Not every guy prefers to do the asking out. If you're targeting the shy, nerdy types, they're going to like being asked out. Because from my experiences, the asking out stuff is not their forte.

 

I don't see anything wrong with asking a man out. You've had problems waiting for guys to ask you out, so why not give another method a try? I think that your problem lies not in the approaching guys part, but more in reading signals. If you were violently rejected (which frankly is really rude and immature of those guys, but I digress), perhaps you can avoid these situations by doing your best to notice, first, if a guy is responsive to your flirting. If he's acting stone-cold, then definitely not. But if he's flirting back, finding excuses to talk to you, seems warm and responsive, then that's a green light IMO. Before you pull such a brave move like asking someone out, you have to first gage whether or not they seem to like you.

I am a huge advocate of this. Many women want the benefits, but not the cost/risk. Equality doesn't work that way. Putting yourself out there can be daunting and rejection hurts. And if she is doing the asking, I'd expect the posibility of at least going dutch/ not expecting me to pay for everything.

[Frank2thepoint]

I'm interested in some tips on how women can succesfully be the initiator. All my past attempts got me rejected so I'm pretty bad

 

To be the devil's advocate, are you sure you actually initiated? Maybe what you did in the past was not even considered an initiation. Did you progress the conversation? Did you ask the questions to better know him? Did you share experiences to draw a connection?

 

 

Don't know how true it is, but the old idea is that most men prefer the "hunt" for their mate, and if a woman is too available, forward, or chases after him, he doesn't value her as much. Guys?

 

For me, I disagree. A woman that has the courage and confidence to initiate a conversation, and even a date, is very sexy to me. Just a bit more than a woman that I chase and reciprocates my romantic overtures.

 

 

Establishing casual convo is easy, I never have issues with that, it's tsking it further that I struggle with. I get Friendzoned constantly, likely for keeping things too casual or easy going.

 

And this is probably the problem. You keep the conversation too casual. You need to broach topics, such as asking a man what kind of woman does he want to be with. Also remembering personal details and following up with the guy on the details. For example if the guy likes to bicycle on weekends, you ask how it was, where does he go, and if he would want someone to cycle with.

 

 

I've asked guys out directly. I did get a no, but it was a polite no. The other times, I'd very heavily flirt, and make it as blatantly obvious as I can. The guy generally gets it and soon asks me out, unless he's really shy. If I can tell he's shy but interested, then I just ask him out.

 

Blamo. A perfect example of a woman that is confident and courageous.

 

 

But the best thing is to always be yourself. And confidence is key!! I cannot stress on how important confidence is. In a room full of women, the one with confidence stands out from the rest- but there is a fine line between cocky and confident. and guys seem to not like cocky anyways.

 

I concur with this. Women have been voicing loudly how much they like a confident man, but it is rare that women get the same type of advice. Confident woman is an attractive woman.

 

 

Then I get all the responses here from men indicating that it's not a good thing, and well, it's not hard to convince me not to do something that I didn't much want to do in the first place.

 

If men are gonna think there's something wrong with me, or that I'm easy, I certainly won't cause myself the stress!

 

You're only paying attention to the negative feedback Phoe. There are men, such as myself, and women that are encouraging you to initiate. There is nothing wrong with trying, especially with the nerdy, shy guys you like. But the problem with those men is they are shy, so you will have to put in more effort to break them out of their shell.

[StalwartMind]

Unfortunately like,Frank2thepoint, just said "You're only paying attention to the negative feedback Phoe"

 

Now I've no clue why you glanced over/disregarded multiple people/men tell you that it's perfect to do the initiation/pursuing yourself. Maybe it's just easier to fall prey to negative emotions, much like one bad incident to some people can overshadow a hundred wonderful experiences. It seems like a human trait, which often spark arguments between people, that one is amazingly good at focusing on the negative aspects of any situation.

 

You would be deceiving yourself and quite possibly robbing yourself the chance of actually meeting the most wonderful person, if you focused solely on the negative things being said here. In the end, sure it's your choice and your call, you can do as you please, I most certainly have issue with what anyone chose to do, but as a fellow human, I'd advice you to look at things from multiple sides and come up with your own conclusion. If however your conclusion for whatever reason is to not pursue/initiate with men, then so be it, but I feel it would be a mistake and rather narrow minded.

 

In the end though, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable is what you need to do, regardless of what I and others say, some people find it more easy to just go with the most vocal flow. All the best to you though.

[Rejected Rosebud]

In the end though, whatever makes you feel the most comfortable is what you need to do, regardless of what I and others say

Of course she should! Phoe if you are ok with approaching guys you should do it, there is no magic formula for success and you are risking rejection, but you are also taking a good risk. This idea that a girl who asks a guy out must have "something wrong with her" or else she wouldn't "have to" is just nutty! If you are comfortable being the initiator you will end up with a guy who is fine with that.

[Phoe]

Now I've no clue why you glanced over/disregarded multiple people/men tell you that it's perfect to do the initiation/pursuing yourself. Maybe it's just easier to fall prey to negative emotions, much like one bad incident to some people can overshadow a hundred wonderful experiences. It seems like a human trait, which often spark arguments between people, that one is amazingly good at focusing on the negative aspects of any situation.

 

I'm not glancing over it or disregarding it.

 

I'm looking at things in a majority/minority sense.

 

I'm actually quite optimistic, but I'm logical and practical. When the majority of responses indicate that approaching may not be the best, I'm logically gonna follow that. It's not me being negative or disregardful.

[Phoe]

One thing I'm noticing, is the trend that "initiating" with men, is really just as simple as talking to him and having a conversation. Being open.

 

Well, I already do that on a daily basis. I talk to people a lot. A long time ago I went through some social training. I learned how to talk with anyone and everyone. How to keep conversations going. How to find topics that will interest that person. How to get information about that person. Basically the training taught me how to create a unique conversation that is tailored exactly to the person I am talking to.

 

Long story short, I am VERY good at socializing, at initiating and holding conversations.

 

Clearly, just talking to a guy is not enough, there needs to be more to it, and I don't know what that "it" is.

[mammasita]

I don't understand why this is so difficult though.....this isn't directed at you OP either. EVERYONE on this darn forum "I don't know what to do next"

 

FREAKING ASK.

 

I have approached many men and been rejected. I have approached many and been successful. The point is I FREAKING ASKED THEM IF THEY WANTED TO HANG OUT, go out, do something, for a phone number....etc.

 

Ugh.

[Phoe]

I don't understand why this is so difficult though.....this isn't directed at you OP either. EVERYONE on this darn forum "I don't know what to do next"

 

FREAKING ASK.

 

I have approached many men and been rejected. I have approached many and been successful. The point is I FREAKING ASKED THEM IF THEY WANTED TO HANG OUT, go out, do something, for a phone number....etc.

 

Ugh.

 

When I do ask, I get a no, so clearly something went wrong. I'm trying to figure that out.

[Rejected Rosebud]

When I do ask, I get a no, so clearly something went wrong. I'm trying to figure that out.

Well you say nobody ever approaches you so what do you have to lose by trying? If you are awkward about it you will probably get better with practice! I bet there are even videos on YouTube with tips!

[carhill]

Getting one no, or a lot of no's, is not 'wrong', IMO, it's human. Men have been dealing with this forever. There are billions of humans on the planet and very few are going to be interested in intimate relations with, or even getting to know, any one particular person.

 

Over time, and with experience, one gains understanding of both how to approach people one likes in a sexual/romantic sense, as well as how to read them. It simply takes practice and being open to accepting the experiences as authentic.

 

I had to work at it for years before encountering any substantive success simply because I was slow to learn the 'rules' and how to read women. Unless you're a lucky female shooting males in a barrel, you'll have your own learning curve and failure is a part of learning. There's no 'easy step to success' manual. It's life.

[Phoe]

Well you say nobody ever approaches you so what do you have to lose by trying? If you are awkward about it you will probably get better with practice! I bet there are even videos on YouTube with tips!

 

What I have to lose, is the last of my self esteem.

 

It's already low from the fact that men don't seem to be interested, if I go out and try, and still get rejected, that's the last of my self confidence, gone. By avoiding getting rejected, I preserve myself.

 

I will go check youtube right now, see if there are examples