How does a woman succesfully approach a man?

[Phoe]

If he had any interest in you in the first place he probably lost it after you did that. =/

 

Don't be the next in a long line of women around here who have taken that bad advice and suffered for it.

 

A stranger who'd never seen me before "lost interest" because I said hello?? He was clearly never interested in the first place, lol. I just chose to be friendly.

[carhill]

Yeah, it works pretty much the same as when a man approaches a stranger. He has already decided her appearance or aura is attractive to him. She makes the decision on those factors in a split second, at least at the level of 'do I want this stranger in my space or not?'.

 

When you approach strangers as a woman, expect the same kind of results men get, save for a marginal advantage depending on your obvious sexual appeal, which generally is more visible in casual interactions for a woman.

 

As an example, my exW could easily gather up more stranger's attention with a low-cut camisole under her jacket than a collared blouse and hold their attention longer, simply due to men responding more positively to her breasts being displayed more. It's not rocket science

[aggie382]

Every time I've been the initiator, I've had to be the one to advance and carry the relationship. I've learned after much trial and error that if a man is truly interested and is desirous of a date or relationship, you'll know.

[Phoe]

Every time I've been the initiator, I've had to be the one to advance and carry the relationship. I've learned after much trial and error that if a man is truly interested and is desirous of a date or relationship, you'll know.

 

Logical, yes, but does not work for me.

 

 

Men do not approach me or show interest in me. So I must do the initiating.

 

 

The way I see it, if I approach a man, he wasn't going to approach me regardless, so even if nothing comes of it, it wasn't a loss. I can only gain something. There's nothing to lose, because I wasn't going to be approached anyway.

[carhill]

The way I see it, if I approach a man, he wasn't going to approach me regardless, so even if nothing comes of it, it wasn't a loss. I can only gain something. There's nothing to lose, because I wasn't going to be approached anyway.

 

You will have definitely approached him first; his perspective, either prior or at the moment of interaction, is unknown.

 

Still, if this perspective helps you initiate more contacts, hence provide more opportunities for interaction and exposure, then IMO that's a positive perspective to have.

 

As men, we generally learn such perspectives young, or by the school of hard knocks. So, to us, it makes sense. For myself, I had to learn to be more obvious sexually in order to correctly 'send the message' that interest was sexual rather than platonic. Life can be like that!

[Phoe]

Still, if this perspective helps you initiate more contacts, hence provide more opportunities for interaction and exposure, then IMO that's a positive perspective to have.

 

I think this is what I'm gonna be doing.

 

 

Nothing bad happened, so I'm happy! I'll just keep doing it.

[contact1]

It's such a tricky situation. On the one hand, I see why you would want to approach men if you never get approached yourself. But on the other hand, I'm thinking of it as if I were to have been approached by another female, I would having the thought running in the back of my mind that she is desperate or looking for an easy lay, hence be put off of any potential LTR aspect.

 

Again that is just how I would perceive it as, I know you are not "easy" or desperate here I'm sure there would be some men that would love to be approached this way.

[Phoe]

It's such a tricky situation. On the one hand, I see why you would want to approach men if you never get approached yourself. But on the other hand, I'm thinking of it as if I were to have been approached by another female, I would having the thought running in the back of my mind that she is desperate or looking for an easy lay, hence be put off of any potential LTR aspect.

 

Again that is just how I would perceive it as, I know you are not "easy" or desperate here I'm sure there would be some men that would love to be approached this way.

 

Men who'd think I'm easy are not for me anyway, so if they want to weed themselves out instantly, good for me!

[contact1]

Men who'd think I'm easy are not for me anyway, so if they want to weed themselves out instantly, good for me!

 

Haha that's the spirit I'm sure you'll find someone eventually and not end up being the single crazy cat lady

[Chris715]

Every time I've been the initiator, I've had to be the one to advance and carry the relationship. I've learned after much trial and error that if a man is truly interested and is desirous of a date or relationship, you'll know.

 

This is definitely not true for all men. As a 23 year old guy I an attest personally that I SUCK at having my intentions and desire be known: low self esteem, nerves around a pretty girl, thinking she's too good for me so why bother?.. You get the idea. I'm working on it and I've been getting better at being more outgoing with women in this regard but just know there are plenty of other guys out there like me.

[gaius]

A stranger who'd never seen me before "lost interest" because I said hello?? He was clearly never interested in the first place, lol. I just chose to be friendly.

Are you sure about that? And maybe he wasn't, but if he was it can be very annoying for a guy if the girl tries to dictate the pace or makes it too easy. It's not a habit you should get into.

 

Smile + eye contact = good.

Starting the conversation = bad.

[aggie382]

This is definitely not true for all men. As a 23 year old guy I an attest personally that I SUCK at having my intentions and desire be known: low self esteem, nerves around a pretty girl, thinking she's too good for me so why bother?.. You get the idea. I'm working on it and I've been getting better at being more outgoing with women in this regard but just know there are plenty of other guys out there like me.

 

Then you don't have the type of personality that someone that a go-getter woman would be interested in. If she approaches you first, you're not going to chase back, given your low self-esteem and nerves. It's a no win for a woman to chase a man in your shoes.

[Phoe]

Are you sure about that? And maybe he wasn't, but if he was it can be very annoying for a guy if the girl tries to dictate the pace or makes it too easy. It's not a habit you should get into.

 

Smile + eye contact = good.

Starting the conversation = bad.

 

If I hadn't started the conversation with him, he wouldn't have started it with me anyway. I don't get approached! lol.

 

 

I'm literally losing nothing by approaching. Sure, I'll get a LOT of rejections. But I'm giving myself more opportunities for yes's by saying hi to a man, instead of smiling at men and waiting for them to never come say hi. That gives me 0 opportunities, every time.

[Phoe]

I know it's not the best option, but it's really not hurting me. At all.

 

 

It can only do good!

[gaius]

If I hadn't started the conversation with him, he wouldn't have started it with me anyway. I don't get approached! lol.

 

I'm literally losing nothing by approaching. Sure, I'll get a LOT of rejections. But I'm giving myself more opportunities for yes's by saying hi to a man, instead of smiling at men and waiting for them to never come say hi. That gives me 0 opportunities, every time.

There's actually a thread going on right now in dating about a guy who was so offput by a woman he was attracted to dictating the pace he almost didn't follow up with her. So in a way she almost tanked it by doing exactly that. Which is a pretty common thing among guys who actually want someone and don't just have intimacy issues and mistakenly believe the problem is women aren't approaching them.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/507339-i-m-no-bs-type-person

 

You might be better served by analyzing your body language and that of girls who get approached more often and see what's going on. I've been studying mine lately in regards to interacting with women and I'm starting to see remarkable differences depending on small variations. That's the only thing I can think that might be your issue Phoe. Unless you have a voice like a guy or something.

[Phoe]

There's actually a thread going on right now in dating about a guy who was so offput by a woman he was attracted to dictating the pace he almost didn't follow up with her. So in a way she almost tanked it by doing exactly that. Which is a pretty common thing among guys who actually want someone and don't just have intimacy issues and mistakenly believe the problem is women aren't approaching them.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/507339-i-m-no-bs-type-person

 

You might be better served by analyzing your body language and that of girls who get approached more often and see what's going on. I've been studying mine lately in regards to interacting with women and I'm starting to see remarkable differences depending on small variations. That's the only thing I can think that might be your issue Phoe. Unless you have a voice like a guy or something.

 

 

I commented in that thread.

 

 

There's a big difference from me simply smiling and saying hi, and 100% dictating how things go, giving him my number, saying "text me I'm a no bs person, take it or leave it!"

 

 

I'm just smiling and saying hello. Up to him whether he wants to chat. He didn't, so he walked away. No harm done. I promise you he wasn't going to come up to me anyway, so I only had upwards to go from there. Either I get rejected and stay in the same place I started in, or I'm well received and get to potentially have a nice conversation with a guy.

 

 

My body language... hmm. Not sure how it SHOULD be, but I'm pretty normal? I'm open, good posture, smiling. I'm animated when I'm talking.

 

 

My voice is a normal feminine voice.

[shet]

I just don't buy that women making the move scares men off or somehow castrates them by removing the chase. Not only do I not find it myself but it makes men out to be pissbabies.

 

I've been approached myself a few times and I can tell you that while I like it if it's laid back, or even a bit hot, or even if I know them a little, quite hot - what always puts me off is when it's so direct and fierce I feel attacked. It's scary. On the other hand, if it's not obviously a come-on, I won't treat it as one. I've had the smile and say hi treatment and had it mean nothing more than once. I've had a lot, lot more than that mean nothing. I think a lot of men have had disappointments like that and been bitterly burned. So unless you're dealing with an early twenties guy you'll have to do better than smiling and saying hi. We do with you, after all.

[Phoe]

I just don't buy that women making the move scares men off or somehow castrates them by removing the chase. Not only do I not find it myself but it makes men out to be pissbabies.

 

I've been approached myself a few times and I can tell you that while I like it if it's laid back, or even a bit hot, or even if I know them a little, quite hot - what always puts me off is when it's so direct and fierce I feel attacked. It's scary. On the other hand, if it's not obviously a come-on, I won't treat it as one. I've had the smile and say hi treatment and had it mean nothing more than once. I've had a lot, lot more than that mean nothing. I think a lot of men have had disappointments like that and been bitterly burned. So unless you're dealing with an early twenties guy you'll have to do better than smiling and saying hi. We do with you, after all.

 

 

Well, on one hand I'm being told that smiling and saying hi is too much.

 

 

On the other hand, I'm being told that smiling and saying hi isn't enough. (and for the record "we do it with you, after all"... well, no. men don't do it with me. that's the whole point!)

 

 

If smiling and saying hi isn't enough, you'd walk away?

 

 

The way I take it, this guy just wasn't interested and wasn't going to be interested. There wasn't a right or wrong way to do it. He wasn't going to approach me, and no way that I approached him was gonna do it.

 

 

I figure if a guy IS interested, but doesn't want to approach me, if I DO approach him smiling and saying hi, I figure that should be enough that if he IS interested, he will talk to me.

[contact1]

I figure if a guy IS interested, but doesn't want to approach me, if I DO approach him smiling and saying hi, I figure that should be enough that if he IS interested, he will talk to me.

 

This right here is the key that I think a lot of people are missing, even though I myself had stated I would be put off by it, and maybe it is because I am use to approaching women. But if there genuinely was a guy that was interested in Phoe, but was too nervous to approach her, by her giving him a smile and saying hi, he would most likely try to give it further, if he could take the hint "hey dummy, I want you to talk to me!!!".

 

Phoe, didn't you say that in your area a lot of the people are married right away and popping babies? It's very possible that many of the men are already married that you encounter, or it might be an age thing also. I don't recall how old you are but if the norm in the area is to get married right away, the target of these males may be fresh 18 year olds, very young females, hence the lack of approach. Idk, honestly when I hear some of your stories, I get the impression you live in bizarro world (sealab 2021 reference for those that don't know )

[Phoe]

This right here is the key that I think a lot of people are missing, even though I myself had stated I would be put off by it, and maybe it is because I am use to approaching women. But if there genuinely was a guy that was interested in Phoe, but was too nervous to approach her, by her giving him a smile and saying hi, he would most likely try to give it further, if he could take the hint "hey dummy, I want you to talk to me!!!".

 

Phoe, didn't you say that in your area a lot of the people are married right away and popping babies? It's very possible that many of the men are already married that you encounter, or it might be an age thing also. I don't recall how old you are but if the norm in the area is to get married right away, the target of these males may be fresh 18 year olds, very young females, hence the lack of approach. Idk, honestly when I hear some of your stories, I get the impression you live in bizarro world (sealab 2021 reference for those that don't know )

 

Yes, a good chunk of people got married straight out of high school. I know more married men than single. I am always checking for a ring and more often than not see one.

 

 

I'm 25. Not TOO old, but if men are looking for 18 year olds then I'm certainly not what they want.

 

 

But given my history, I don't think I have anything to lose from trying to start conversations with people. If I were a different person, sure, I may not want to approach. But for me? It's likely the best way to create more opportunities.

[endlessabyss]

Then you don't have the type of personality that someone that a go-getter woman would be interested in. If she approaches you first, you're not going to chase back, given your low self-esteem and nerves. It's a no win for a woman to chase a man in your shoes.

 

 

It's a no win for any man to have to chase a woman....

 

 

As soon as man figures out woman isn't God, and her rejection is worth less than nothing, all the rational fear dissipates.

 

 

There may be a little nerves, but that is normal.

[shet]

If smiling and saying hi isn't enough, you'd walk away?

 

Yes. In most contexts that's the barest form of greeting. Even in the context of rocking up to a bar and you smile and say hi, I'm just going to assume you've been drinking or your girlfriends are putting you up and I'm about to face gales of laughter. I'll say hi back and go about my business exactly as your man did. Doesn't matter how hot you are. I could have been eyeing you up. In fact I could have come to the bar right alongside you to get a better look. Smiles and Hi's is just politeness, no matter what you're investing it with in your head. Unless you do something crazy like lick your lips lasciviously or pop open your top buttons as you say it.

 

If I was looking to mack on a woman, my interest has to be considerably higher than smiling and saying hi because that doesn't indicate anything more than being polite and slightly friendly. I have to start a conversation or I wash out (usually I personally pick on some detail of appearance, earrings is always good, shoes, any coordination I notice. Or overheard conversation). This isn't a trick or a chat up line. It's a means to show I'm focusing on her and want to chat. Otherwise she turns her head back 0.5 seconds later.

 

I think you have to do the same. A smile and a hi means nothing. It's not an approach.

 

I figure if a guy IS interested, but doesn't want to approach me, if I DO approach him smiling and saying hi, I figure that should be enough that if he IS interested, he will talk to me.

 

No, see above. You've got to show you're interested. Any man with life experience has had some world class bull**** happen to him regarding false or misinterpreted signals. You've got to get through to him.

[Phoe]

Unless you do something crazy like lick your lips lasciviously or pop open your top buttons as you say it.

 

Quite frankly, I would never, ever do this. It's pretty trashy, IMO.

[MGX]

Are you sure about that? And maybe he wasn't, but if he was it can be very annoying for a guy if the girl tries to dictate the pace or makes it too easy. It's not a habit you should get into.

 

Smile + eye contact = good.

Starting the conversation = bad.

 

I disagree. Maybe it's annoying for the men who can easily find women, but other guys who have a much harder time getting a woman's attention will appreciate a woman starting conversation with them.

[guest569]

Starting a conversation doesn't eliminate the "chase"