How does a woman succesfully approach a man?

[me85]

without tripping or stumbling as your walking towards him ?

[carhill]

Yep, rejection can beat a person up. That's why 'taking breaks' is important, where one regroups, refocuses onto other successful avenues of life, then re-engages later. I did find, even when taking 'breaks', that maintaining a robust social life both assisted in retaining the skills of interaction as well as ramped up personal confidence to immerse in the milieu once again. This happened many times over the years, in my case over about 15-18 years or so as an adult, before success finally became more consistent. The key to preservation was success in other areas of life which put romantic failure into perspective. Yeah, it kind of sucked but there was a lot of great stuff going on too. It'll work out.

[Rejected Rosebud]

What I have to lose, is the last of my self esteem.

If your self esteem is this fragile right now you should not even be thinking of this stuff in fact didn't you say you're not going to date for at least a year and work on you?

[Phoe]

 

I don't see anything wrong with asking a man out. You've had problems waiting for guys to ask you out, so why not give another method a try? I think that your problem lies not in the approaching guys part, but more in reading signals. If you were violently rejected (which frankly is really rude and immature of those guys, but I digress), perhaps you can avoid these situations by doing your best to notice, first, if a guy is responsive to your flirting. If he's acting stone-cold, then definitely not. But if he's flirting back, finding excuses to talk to you, seems warm and responsive, then that's a green light IMO. Before you pull such a brave move like asking someone out, you have to first gage whether or not they seem to like you.

 

I definitely don't continue with anyone who's cold towards me. That's a waste of time.

 

 

The men I've asked out had been flirting with me, and were confirmed single. I just don't get it.

[Phoe]

If your self esteem is this fragile right now you should not even be thinking of this stuff in fact didn't you say you're not going to date for at least a year and work on you?

 

I'm not dating anytime soon.

 

 

This is me working on myself, getting info and learning so that when I do want to date, I'll be well prepared.

[carhill]

As is often shared, people flirt for all kinds of reasons, some of which have nothing to do with genuine and sincere interest in dating or mating with a particular person. Yep, those people can be single, or in a relationship, or married. Doesn't matter. It's part of the crap-shoot of human life.

 

If you get a nickel for every guy who flirts with you and it goes nowhere, someday you'll have as many nickels as I do from similar interactions with women. At least, in your case, apparently the young men are authenticated as being single so I'd say you're doing pretty good!

[Phoe]

The fact that you're having this much trouble tells me there's something lacking in your technique.

 

Exactly!!

 

 

That's exactly my problem. That's why I made the thread, because I know my technique is likely a big problem.

 

 

I just can't find any info, anywhere, on what proper technique would actually be. All I seem to get is "Be friendly and don't wear dumpy grandma clothes"

[Phoe]

without tripping or stumbling as your walking towards him ?

 

I try my best to walk gracefully in public, but it's not always a guarantee. Especially if a group of strangers is looking at me, I might stumble over nothing.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I try my best to walk gracefully in public, but it's not always a guarantee. Especially if a group of strangers is looking at me, I might stumble over nothing.

I'm sure that makes you embarrassed but I bet some would find it endearing! It actually sounds cute!

[me85]

Correction : *you're*

 

I've approached a guy extremely drunk before but was not staggering towards him. That was the one and only time I'd ever approached a guy. It turned out better than you'd think. We ended up going on a couple of dates after that night. I eventually blew him off though. /=

 

I would say just be yourself and have fun.

[Phoe]

I'm sure that makes you embarrassed but I bet some would find it endearing! It actually sounds cute!

 

My ex found it cute, so it's possible!

 

 

My friends just find my derpiness funny. They play this song for me...

 

 

 

 

[braindamage]

My gf just got drunk and blurted it out.

[Phoe]

My gf just got drunk and blurted it out.

 

I'm not a drinker, but idk, maybe alcohol will help me.

[Frank2thepoint]

The men I've asked out had been flirting with me, and were confirmed single. I just don't get it.

 

Before you asked them out, did you flirt back? If you did, how did you flirt? Can you gives us examples with a couple of guys you've asked out, so we can help?

[Phoe]

Before you asked them out, did you flirt back? If you did, how did you flirt? Can you gives us examples with a couple of guys you've asked out, so we can help?

 

Oh man, lol, I'll try to think back to exact conversations, but it was a while back.

 

The first one, I definitely didn't flirt with, as I was complete chicken around him. His reason for rejecting me was "she looks like a dude". That was a bad time.

 

Next, was a guy who told me I was cute. I started flirting with him Everytime I saw him, touching his arm or shoulder, complimenting him. One day when he walked in I went up to him and complimented his hat, and he sorta just snapped at me and told me to leave him alone. Never talked to him again.

 

The next one I was also bold with while flirting, I often told him I thought he was very attractive. His rejection was that I was too easy and that I need to be a play harder to get in the future.

 

The next one I flirted with, he flirted back, we hooked up for a while and started acting coupley. I asked him out, officially, and he said no. Got used! This was the experience that prompted me to never hook up outside of a relationship.

 

I had 2 times flirting with a guy I'd just met at a party. For example, a friend of his might jokingly put him down or diss him. I'd chime in disagreeing, with a compliment for the guy. I got a "that's cute", then the guy laughed, patted me on the head, and walked away. The other instance, I was talking and flirting with a guy, he complimented my pedicure. A few minutes later a group of people paired off and headed to an upstairs loft to sorta hang out. Some people were cuddled up and it was an intimate setting. I went up and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I went to sit next to him and sorta teased him a bit like "hey you tried to sneak up here without me?" And gave him a cheeky smile and wink. He turned and said something along the lines of "stop bugging me, I don't like you". I immediately left and spent the rest of the evening out on the balcony waiting for my friends to be ready to leave.

 

Most recently was a friend. Our conversations were always friendly, innocent. But always playful. We had a lot in common. Others would accuse us of flirting with each other and I'd blush and typically walk away embarassed. I finally asked him to dinner, he said no. We continued being friendly, but eventually it dropped off and we don't talk anymore. He got set up with a girl a while back and is now serious with her.

[Emilia]

Of course it depends on perception but I kind of agree that you might need to work on your flirtation skills. I get accused of being flitatious even when I'm not. Hell, my mom accused me of flirting with a female cashier today though I was just being congenial. However, admittedly, I do flirt a ton, regardless of whether my end game is to get a date or not. Nothing brazen, overtly sexual or aggressive, but enough that it's quite clear I'm being more than just "friendly".

 

The reason I personally would say the problem likely lies with you/your demeanor is.....well...I mean, you're an attractive woman first and foremost. That alone gives you an advantage a lot of women just don't have, so your lack of success suggests you're either too subtle when flirting or just not very good at it. Let's be real here, an attractive woman throwing a smile in a guy's direction can be perceived as interest, so if you're genuinely flirting yet getting zero response you're probably doing it wrong.

 

I don't know, something about your whole attitude feels....off...it's weird, I can't quite put my finger on it but something about you sort of screams insecure and maybe that translates into real life? It's almost as if you don't quite recognize your own value and power nor know how to harness it.

This. Besides, babysteps are best. I think subtle flirting, smiling, chatting would be a good start. People underestimate the importance of body language too.

[Phoe]

This. Besides, babysteps are best. I think subtle flirting, smiling, chatting would be a good start. People underestimate the importance of body language too.

 

I actually was going to post earlier about body language, and forgot.

 

I'm very animated. When I talk, I have distinct facial expressions, I use my hands, and get very animated and expressive with my whole body.

 

I think I am typically too animated, and it is alarmingly awkward to people who aren't expecting it. Especially because I have a bit of an odd vocabulary at times. I know that, due to my vocabulary here and the way I type, that folks imagine I'm rigid or non responsive, or meek and reserved. Not the case. Take my typing here, and imagine me saying it animatedly, gesturing and expressing.

 

Especially when I am passionate, I'm going to be wholly animated with things, which I can't help!

[Imported]

I know that, due to my vocabulary here and the way I type, that folks imagine I'm rigid or non responsive, or meek and reserved. Not the case. Take my typing here, and imagine me saying it animatedly, gesturing and expressing.

 

Especially when I am passionate, I'm going to be wholly animated with things, which I can't help!

 

 

I just got a mental image of a person I use to work with. I don't consider her attractive, but far worse looking women have a much easier time with guys than she does. Every guy I know that knows her, does not like her. She is very expersive, uses a lot of irregular words and animated as well as pitching her voice up and down when she speaks and it is so irritating. I would not hang around her by choice, nevermind ask her out on a date.

 

Last I heard, she finally started dating a guy she met online that didn't run away after the first date. She reeks of desperation. I imagine she is probably very smoothering too.

 

I don't dislike her. She is actually a nice person and tries real hard to fit in....although diffinitely some anger issues peeking through every so often. I mean, she's slender and her face is OK and I think she looked better when she was younger. I am sure she looked/ed good enough for a lot of guys, but OMG, she is so irritating to be around. I could not put up with her, there is just no way. And like I said, every guy I know that knows her feels like that.

 

I don't know why. And not saying you're like her.

 

Her voice is really whiny too. And she's always stretching out her words.

Edited November 24, 2014 by Imported

[Frank2thepoint]

Oh man, lol, I'll try to think back to exact conversations, but it was a while back.

 

The first one, I definitely didn't flirt with, as I was complete chicken around him. His reason for rejecting me was "she looks like a dude". That was a bad time.

 

Next, was a guy who told me I was cute. I started flirting with him Everytime I saw him, touching his arm or shoulder, complimenting him. One day when he walked in I went up to him and complimented his hat, and he sorta just snapped at me and told me to leave him alone. Never talked to him again.

 

The next one I was also bold with while flirting, I often told him I thought he was very attractive. His rejection was that I was too easy and that I need to be a play harder to get in the future.

 

The next one I flirted with, he flirted back, we hooked up for a while and started acting coupley. I asked him out, officially, and he said no. Got used! This was the experience that prompted me to never hook up outside of a relationship.

 

I had 2 times flirting with a guy I'd just met at a party. For example, a friend of his might jokingly put him down or diss him. I'd chime in disagreeing, with a compliment for the guy. I got a "that's cute", then the guy laughed, patted me on the head, and walked away. The other instance, I was talking and flirting with a guy, he complimented my pedicure. A few minutes later a group of people paired off and headed to an upstairs loft to sorta hang out. Some people were cuddled up and it was an intimate setting. I went up and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I went to sit next to him and sorta teased him a bit like "hey you tried to sneak up here without me?" And gave him a cheeky smile and wink. He turned and said something along the lines of "stop bugging me, I don't like you". I immediately left and spent the rest of the evening out on the balcony waiting for my friends to be ready to leave.

 

Most recently was a friend. Our conversations were always friendly, innocent. But always playful. We had a lot in common. Others would accuse us of flirting with each other and I'd blush and typically walk away embarassed. I finally asked him to dinner, he said no. We continued being friendly, but eventually it dropped off and we don't talk anymore. He got set up with a girl a while back and is now serious with her.

 

 

After reading some of your experiences, you sound like you are doing more than many women would do. For a woman, you are aggressive and fearless. Me personally, I think your tactic is very refreshing for a man like me. The world needs more women like you Phoe. I would be happy to engage in you in a conversation, flirting, even dating you, and I'd definitely reciprocate the amount energy and attention you give. Unfortunately, there are very few men that are as understanding as me. Form your story, those men were either intimidated by you, completely uninterested, or real douche bags that lacked appreciation. So I can understand your frustration very much.

 

Since you are quite bold, the only advice I could offer is to scale back the boldness a bit. Don't directly ask the men out, but offer encouragement such as suggesting if the man were to ask you out, you would agree to a date. This puts the responsibility for the man to act, or he misses an opportunity. Yor style of flirting is definitely positive and reinforces interest. The touching of the arm or shoulders are clear signals of interest. As is the complimenting. So keep doing these to a man you are interested in. But to avoid future grumpy men, try to ask the men if they enjoy compliments. Some don't out of reservation.

 

 

I actually was going to post earlier about body language, and forgot.

 

I'm very animated. When I talk, I have distinct facial expressions, I use my hands, and get very animated and expressive with my whole body.

 

I think I am typically too animated, and it is alarmingly awkward to people who aren't expecting it. Especially because I have a bit of an odd vocabulary at times. I know that, due to my vocabulary here and the way I type, that folks imagine I'm rigid or non responsive, or meek and reserved. Not the case. Take my typing here, and imagine me saying it animatedly, gesturing and expressing.

 

Especially when I am passionate, I'm going to be wholly animated with things, which I can't help!

 

Honestly Phoe, up until you have posted this, I thought you were quite meek and reserved. I had thought you are not an engaging person, just use unnoticeable subtlety with a man you flirt. You are actually a lively woman which I appreciate. Unfortunately the world is not perfect, and some men do not like such an animated nature. Honestly, I would not suggest for you to change who you are, but when dealing with a potential interest, tone down the animation a bit, as to not intimidate and scare off the man.

[Phoe]

I just got a mental image of a person I use to work with. I don't consider her attractive, but far worse looking women have a much easier time with guys than she does. Every guy I know that knows her, does not like her. She is very expersive, uses a lot of irregular words and animated as well as pitching her voice up and down when she speaks and it is so irritating. I would not hang around her by choice, nevermind ask her out on a date.

 

Last I heard, she finally started dating a guy she met online that didn't run away after the first date. She reeks of desperation. I imagine she is probably very smoothering too.

 

I don't dislike her. She is actually a nice person and tries real hard to fit in....although diffinitely some anger issues peeking through every so often. I mean, she's slender and her face is OK and I think she looked better when she was younger. I am sure she looked/ed good enough for a lot of guys, but OMG, she is so irritating to be around. I could not put up with her, there is just no way. And like I said, every guy I know that knows her feels like that.

 

I don't know why. And not saying you're like her.

 

Her voice is really whiny too. And she's always stretching out her words.

 

 

 

Well, it's possible that people can't stand me, and the worst part is that I'm sure no one would say such a thing to me. If I'm nice, but no one likes me, no one would want to be the person to be mean and say that.

 

 

That would definitely be a hard thing to change. How I talk naturally, how I behave and interact with others when I'm relaxed and natural.

 

 

I do get told I have a good speaking voice, so I doubt my actual voice itself is annoying. Whenever there's some sort of role at work where a voice recording needs to be made, I'm the one that is asked to do it.

 

 

I easily make friends, and people do like being friends with me, but it could definitely explain why so many men ONLY want to be friends. If I'm nice, but people are annoyed, they might be "nice" back and be my friend, but not go any further than that so they don't have to deal with me.

 

 

It would make sense

[Phoe]

But to avoid future grumpy men, try to ask the men if they enjoy compliments. Some don't out of reservation.

 

when dealing with a potential interest, tone down the animation a bit, as to not intimidate and scare off the man.

 

Do I just straight out ask if they like compliments? Or is there a subtle way to do it?

 

 

I think I could try focusing on toning myself down. I just worry that if I think too much about it, it'll show, ya know?

 

 

Maybe I'll practice it this week and see how people react.

[CrystalCastles]

I definitely don't continue with anyone who's cold towards me. That's a waste of time.

 

 

The men I've asked out had been flirting with me, and were confirmed single. I just don't get it.

 

The thing is, there's something that is missing here.

 

Unfortunately none of us are there with you so we can only guess. But a nice girl who is flirting with a nice guy doesn't just automatically get such rude responses out of the blue, like the ones you listed. Either there's something off about you that doesn't translate over the Internet, or there's something off about them.

 

Do you pay attention to how these guys behave? Are they nice to everyone else, or do they seem like jerks? Personally I don't "get" jerks, and when I see them acting douchey to other people, I stay away, even if they're nice to me.

 

There's nothing wrong with animated talking, I do that a lot, and so do my friends. Hasn't stopped anyone from asking us out. So I doubt that's the cause of your problems.

[Phoe]

The thing is, there's something that is missing here.

 

Unfortunately none of us are there with you so we can only guess. But a nice girl who is flirting with a nice guy doesn't just automatically get such rude responses out of the blue, like the ones you listed. Either there's something off about you that doesn't translate over the Internet, or there's something off about them.

 

Do you pay attention to how these guys behave? Are they nice to everyone else, or do they seem like jerks? Personally I don't "get" jerks, and when I see them acting douchey to other people, I stay away, even if they're nice to me.

 

There's nothing wrong with animated talking, I do that a lot, and so do my friends. Hasn't stopped anyone from asking us out. So I doubt that's the cause of your problems.

 

 

2 of them did have tendencies of being jerky, but after getting compliments from them, I thought it was a green light. Likely it was them just being nice or something. I read too far into it. I did learn lessons from those two though.

 

 

The rest of them never showed signs of jerkiness. The last one, who declined my dinner invitation, at least did so nicely. I appreciated that, and it stung far less than the others.

 

 

The common denominator is me, though. I do think it's very likely that there's something off about me that I don't know, and that perhaps even other people can't put their finger on.

[Frank2thepoint]

Do I just straight out ask if they like compliments? Or is there a subtle way to do it?

 

 

I think I could try focusing on toning myself down. I just worry that if I think too much about it, it'll show, ya know?

 

 

Maybe I'll practice it this week and see how people react.

 

You can ask a man if he likes being complimented by a woman, and even ask what kind of compliments. If he gives you examples, you can be witty and flirtatious by giving him a similar compliment to the example he gives. For example, if the man admits that he likes it when a woman notices his eyes, you can remark, while smiling, that he does have really nice eyes. If he doesn't smile back or appreciate the compliment, you have a dud. Don't waste your time any further.

 

As for toning down your animated self, do not think or worry yourself. Practice a bit with friends or co-workers. Get comfortable with it when around people you know. Then when it comes to doing it with a man, it'll be second nature.

[Phoe]

You can ask a man if he likes being complimented by a woman, and even ask what kind of compliments. If he gives you examples, you can be witty and flirtatious by giving him a similar compliment to the example he gives. For example, if the man admits that he likes it when a woman notices his eyes, you can remark, while smiling, that he does have really nice eyes. If he doesn't smile back or appreciate the compliment, you have a dud. Don't waste your time any further.

 

 

Okay! This definitely sounds like a good option for testing the waters, I like it.