I never thought I'd be tempted to cheat

[windows]

I never thought I'd be posting in this part of the forum. No I'm not a cheater - but the thought of it has been racing across my mind a lot recently. Let me tell you my story:

 

I'm seeing a girl in a long-distance relationship (call her A). We've been seeing each other for about a month now, and she's perfect. She's beautiful and we have similar visions of life goals or dreams. (Both Christians thinking about a serious future in Christian ministry.) Plus we have conversation that goes on for hours. But she lives on the other side of the world, and I'll be back there with her when I return from my student exchange at the end of the year.

 

Here with me is another student from my exchange program (call her B) who I've gotten very close to over the course of the year - and she is incredibly attractive. Our chemistry is so strong we practically finish each others' sentences. In fact, I feel B knows me better than my actual girlfriend. And B and I have kind of flirted with each other over the past year (before I was with A). But for all our chemistry, we don't share anything I consider fundamental for a relationship. (e.g. we don't share the same religion, nor other goals/expectations like marriage or the place of career in a relationship.) However if you put me in the wrong place at the wrong time with her... I might seriously consider a fling or a one night stand. (And I'm meant to be a Christian.)

 

B has suggested to me that maybe some time soon, I should come over to her place to watch movies alone with her. Maybe there's nothing suspect in her intentions here, but if you were to put me next to an incredibly attractive woman for 2 hours, I don't know if I'm a strong enough man not to act on my natural instincts.

 

I want to feel attracted to A but she's not here with me and all I have is a picture of her on my screen. Worse, I'm really physically desiring B right now. I need some help and someone to smack some sense into me. Someone convince to do what's right.

Edited November 22, 2014 by windows

[ForbiddenFruit]

I don't know how deep you are into your faith, but no matter what I can tell you that it happens.

 

Among all relationships, people cheat now and days and some tell and some die with the secret. I'm not telling you to cheat, but if you feel that disconnected with A then maybe you should consider a "break" with A.

 

Because if I was A, I wouldn't want you having relations with B if we were still declared together. Because that would only make me, A, look like a fool & that isn't good at all.

 

Sometimes exploring your options is the best way to test your feelings for someone.

 

If you are going to regret doing it- don't do it

If you feel like it is lust or just a crush for B- don't do it

Also remember if you do it, you're going to remember it for the rest of your life and there will be no taking it back..

 

But also maybe you just need some physical interaction, AND that is why they created many other alternatives.

 

Its tempting, it always is. but ask yourself if in the end it will all be worth it. and consider all the pros and cons of the situation before you decide.

 

 

I hope this was somewhat helpful.

[windows]

Thanks ForbiddenFruit.

 

 

I will regret it - even if its enjoyable in the short term.

And it really is out of lust for B. I can't imagine a sustainable relationship in the long run with B without compromising my faith (and for me, my faith is everything).

 

 

And I've never actually had the chance to spend time in the physical company of A. Maybe, when I see her and finally go on a real face-to-face date with her, I'll find all that romantic sparkle back again.

[No Limit]

Then break up with A and try to have sex as often as possible with B to make it worth it.

What's the problem here? I think the Bible will forgive you breaking up much sooner than cheating.

[Coe]

So basically B is perfect for you except she isn't the same religion... Wow just wow.

[windows]

No Limit - I appreciate your sentiment, but I don't think you quite understand my moral dilemma. Even if that is how you would do things, I couldn't do that without a clear conscience. Besides, did I mention how A is perfect? There are dealbreaker issues I have with B, even though she is incredibly hot and we get on so well.

 

 

Coe - Yeah, you're absolutely right. B would have been perfect but she has a different religion. But I'm not sure you realize just how important it is for me to be with someone of the same religious conviction. It's a dealbreaker subject for me, and I understand that for others it's not an issue - but for me it really is.

 

 

You guys have really perfectly represented the voices of conflict in my mind over this though.

 

 

Edit: I guess I really don't want to cheat on my girlfriend. I just don't want to be mastered by my libido while I'm away from her.

Edited November 22, 2014 by windows

[acrosstheuniverse]

Edit: I guess I really don't want to cheat on my girlfriend. I just don't want to be mastered by my libido while I'm away from her.

 

Personally I think you should split with A and bang B's brains out... but that's just me. I get if your faith is important that you don't want to go there with somebody you know you couldn't have a long term relationship with. However, don't put all of your eggs in A's basket, you haven't even met her yet, you could not be into her at all once you're in the same room. Can't you continue to date women who fit your faith requirements where you are right now? Even if you don't even kiss, just spending time with them. You will probably find somebody who is a much more realistic bet and will avoid basically promising your fidelity to a woman you've never even met. Tell A that's what is going down though, obviously.

 

If you really do want to avoid being mastered by your libido then I'd hope it's obvious, but don't spend any time alone with B. Or with her one on one around other people (studying in the library, coffee shops is out). Do not put yourself in a position where you can be unfaithful because it sounds like you're very tempted already. And yes, maybe the sex will be mindblowing for you because you're inexperienced and have chemistry with her... but it sounds like you're so into your faith you may regret it deeply spiritually, and emotionally for the rest of your life? Not worth the climax.

[angel.eyes]

Part of not cheating, is avoiding situations where you will be tempted, and not putting yourself in positions where you are likely to fail. Know your personal limits and honor them.

 

Practically, that means not going over to B's place to spend alone time with her. It sounds as if you should spend less or no time with her period, and instead focus on developing other friendships. Clearly what you have with her is not a truly platonic relationship.

 

An alcoholic trying to avoid another drunken night shouldn't head to a bar to socialize. You shouldn't head over to hers for a movie or whatever pretext, you both use.

[Allumere]

Windows, if you stand in faith then you know what you need to do. Emotions/feelings should not dictate your actions....do what is right.

[Coe]

Coe - Yeah, you're absolutely right. B would have been perfect but she has a different religion. But I'm not sure you realize just how important it is for me to be with someone of the same religious conviction. It's a dealbreaker subject for me, and I understand that for others it's not an issue - but for me it really is.

 

It shouldn't be an issue at all. I'm surprised nobody else has batted an eyelid at this tbh. It's no different than not wanting to be with someone because of their colour, football team, star sign etc even though they are clearly perfect for you.

[windows]

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, A isn't some random internet girl who I've never met and made endless promises to. We've known each other for years, and had liked each other for a while before this year. The only reason I live so far away is because I'm on an international student exchange for this year. I'm going back home for good in January, where A and I can finally start going out for real - though we have been skyping regularly over the past few months.

 

 

Thanks in particular in talking practical steps. I need to act on this appropriately.

 

 

And Coe, religion actually does matter. It's not like star signs or football team preferences. It is the foundation of so many things in a person's culture and value system. For example, if there's difficulty in a relationship, I want to be with someone I can pray with. I want someone who absolutely loves coming to church with me. I want someone who I can read the Bible with. For me, religion is not just a personally held belief - but something which I practice with those who are closest to me. That's why it's a dealbreaker issue. I can't pray with or go to church with a muslim or an atheist - even if they're the most attractive and easy going people in the world. And I sure don't want them criticizing me for giving money to church if we ever get married. I've thought a lot about this already - there's no way I could be with a non-Christian in the long run.

 

 

Edit: I forgot to mention I am one of those people who stick by the "no sex before marriage" rule.

Edited November 22, 2014 by windows

[Blade96]

And Coe, religion actually does matter. It's not like star signs or football team preferences. It is the foundation of so many things in a person's culture and value system. For example, if there's difficulty in a relationship, I want to be with someone I can pray with. I want someone who absolutely loves coming to church with me. I want someone who I can read the Bible with. For me, religion is not just a personally held belief - but something which I practice with those who are closest to me. That's why it's a dealbreaker issue. I can't pray with or go to church with a muslim or an atheist - even if they're the most attractive and easy going people in the world. And I sure don't want them criticizing me for giving money to church if we ever get married. I've thought a lot about this already - there's no way I could be with a non-Christian in the long run."

 

Then remember these words whenyou get tempted by the other girl. Then take acold shower. Or whatever you do tomakeitgo away.

[Coe]

I want someone who absolutely loves coming to the game with me. I want someone who I can read the Sports section of the paper with. For me, football is not just a personally held belief - but something which I practice with those who are closest to me. That's why it's a dealbreaker issue. I can't cheer with or go to a game with a [insert rival team supporter] even if they're the most attractive and easy going people in the world. And I sure don't want them criticizing me for giving money to [insert team] if we ever get married. I've thought a lot about this already - there's no way I could be with a non supporter of [insert team name] in the long run.

 

Totally different I'm sure. Anyway good luck with your issue, I'm not sure I can really advise you properly on this. I assume you prayed on it so just take that advice.

[No Limit]

Besides, did I mention how A is perfect?

 

Yeah, you did. But I don't really like it when people want extra cake eating. And A can't be that important if B's appearance alone wants to make you cheat.

 

Well, let's try a different approach. Why not tell A that you want to have sex with B, and let her decide how she wants to take things from that point?

[Cakess]

I think whenever you get tempted or horny to just find some porn, get some release and get out of that lust cloud. When you and A meet up, try the relationship. If you feel like it's not everything you think it's gonna be then just break up. B will still be there, but give your relationship a chance and don't let lust make a decision for you.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

For me, religion is not just a personally held belief - but something which I practice with those who are closest to me.

 

 

Edit: I forgot to mention I am one of those people who stick by the "no sex before marriage" rule.

 

 

So why are you even asking? You KNOW what you must do. Jesus doesn't like infidelity. Or fornication. However, I like to think he dislikes infidelity more than fornication. But whatever, either way, you know clearly what it is you must do.

[smackie9]

Windows there is a lesson to be learned here. Even when you are in a relationship or married, throughout your life there will be someone that temps you. Whether it's a co-worker or a friends wife, or just some person that makes you feel so alive....it happens and it normal. It is up to you to understand for what it is, lust/crush and you don't act upon it. These things hold very little value compared to the commitment you have made to your partner.

 

Also be very aware of "emotional" affairs. Hanging out with someone, sharing intimate conversations, feeding the need for attention with someone else is considered cheating. Going over to this woman's house to hang out, is inappropriate. It's no different than going out on a date. How would you like it if you found out your GF was going over to some guy's house to "watch a movie"? You would be pissed, so it's time to learn how to look past your lust.