Did he leave me for someone else? (Updated)

[edgar allan bro]

I'm a 20 year old female and I've been in a relationship with my 21 year old (now ex) boyfriend for about a year.

 

Our relationship was amazing. We made so many memories, and were just really comfortable around each other, even in our worst moments.

 

Late in October, we were out for dinner, and I asked him to stop criticizing other people whenever we would be out. He would always call other girls slutty, fat, and say that guys were "trying too hard", etc. It was barely noticeable at first, but it got worse in the past few months; I'm guessing because he's under a lot of stress right now (he's not sure what he wants to do with his life, his grades are suffering, parents' opinions conflicting with his, etc.)

 

But I told him to please stop doing that around me because it was unpleasant. He did a 180, put his fork down, and said we should go our separate ways then. After a tear-jerking conversation, we just agreed on taking some space for a week or two.

 

Two weeks later, he hadn't given it that much thought. He thought the break was more of a vacation, and we were stuck having another night-long conversation consisting of "I don't know what I want!!", which ended with him saying "I'll stay - you're worth it" and telling me he loves me.

 

A few days later I get a text from him saying "We need to talk tomorrow", and I just assumed where it was going, asked him if he wanted me to bring his stuff back to him, to which he agreed at first. Then, after he saw that I was being compliant with the breakup, he said "Wait, no. Keep them. If I see you, I know that I'll just want to stay." He want as far as saying "burn them" (drama queen 101).

 

In the week that followed, he said he was still "thinking about it", and called me "honey" when he got on the phone with me, although every time I would text him, he would always blow it up into an argument. I finally offered to meet a week later to have a "friendly chit-chat", but really I wanted to return his things once and for all.

 

He sat down, and before I could even open my mouth to ask him what he had decided, he said "It's over. Yeah, it's totally over." NO APOLOGIES, NO "THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE", NOTHING. He said "I had five days; that's enough to stop crying about it". He was actually chuckling under his breath when I brought up how insensitive I thought it was for him to suggest a break in the time that it took him to chew his food and put his fork down. He even denied having called me "honey" and giving me any mixed signals in the past week. He said he didn't seeing me as a friend "if I wanted to". At that point I got pissed, dropped his stuff onto the coffee table, and started getting dressed. He asked "So is that it, we're never going to see each other again?" I told him. "I don't know. I don't feel like answering you right now," and left. He texted me half an hour later asking about some health issues that I was having, and I shortly ended the conversation, saying it wasn't his problem anymore.

 

It's obvious to me that this "push-and-pull" act was a game on his part, which may have been partially influenced by his best friend who was telling him to leave me, but my sister suggested that for him to change his mind so abruptly, there must be someone else on the side that he's already making eyes at. Is it plausible? Or did he really just callously get over me like that?

 

It's my third day NC. My head knows he's a jerk, and that I have to leave forever, but my heart is still clutching onto all the great moments we've shared together. Ugh.

Edited November 22, 2014 by edgar allan bro

[angel.eyes]

It will take a while, but your heart will eventually catch up to your mind. He sounds like an immature jerk who will be back to drag this on some more if you let him. Ugh!

 

Resist the urge to dig and figure out why he did this. That will only hold you back and further delay your recovery. It's over. That's all that matters. His reasons are irrelevant.

 

Stick to no contact. It will help you recover more quickly. Hang with your friends. Stay busy. Set yourself a personal goal or self-improvement challenge. It will distract you for now, and when you've recovered from the breakup, you'll be a new and improved you, with the added confidence that goes along with that.

[edgar allan bro]

It will take a while, but your heart will eventually catch up to your mind. He sounds like an immature jerk who will be back to drag this on some more if you let him. Ugh!

 

Resist the urge to dig and figure out why he did this. That will only hold you back and further delay your recovery. It's over. That's all that matters. His reasons are irrelevant.

 

Stick to no contact. It will help you recover more quickly. Hang with your friends. Stay busy. Set yourself a personal goal or self-improvement challenge. It will distract you for now, and when you've recovered from the breakup, you'll be a new and improved you, with the added confidence that goes along with that.

 

Aye, it's tough. :/ As dumpees, I think we're tempted to over-analyze everything to see where things went wrong. But I don't think I can be blamed for this too much.. I made one comment, yes. But it just sounds like he let his stubbornness and ego take the wheel.

 

I'm really trying to stay strong. I'm glad I didn't cry in front of him when I saw him.

[angel.eyes]

Good for you! Stay strong and lean on your friends.

 

Breakups are hard. Just keep in mind that it does get better, and you'll find happiness with someone else down the road. In fact, you may look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. But you're a long way from that right now.

[edgar allan bro]

I'm terrified to find out that he had been using me It's so hard for me to imagine building a connection like ours with someone else, and to know that it was lie.. ugh.

[angel.eyes]

Focus on you, not him or his jerky behavior at the end. The relationship benefited you. You learned what you need in a partner from this experience. You learned that you don't want to be with someone who constantly has to put others down in order to feel better about himself. (I don't want that either.) You learned that you don't want to be with someone who turns into a hurtful jerk when he feels stressed. You've probably also learned a few things about how you might be a better relationship partner. In short, you got something positive from this relationship even if it ended on such a sour note.

 

The ending of a relationship is always very tough. Being the dumpee is generally painful, in part because you have limited control over the ending. But you did a great job of the part you did control--specifically, your reaction and interactions with him when he ended it. You didn't beg, grovel, or try to bargain. You controlled your visible emotions.

 

Rest assured that you will eventually feel better and you most definitely will have another relationship that will bring you happiness, love, and joy. Continue to post, especially when you're sad or feel tempted to contact him.

[edgar allan bro]

Thank you so much. I feel a little better now.

[edgar allan bro]

Ex immaturely broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I gave him his stuff back and told him I don't know that we could be friends. I went into NC after that. It's been 6 days since I deactivated my Facebook, and he texts me asking if I've seen this show yet that we've both been raving about for 4 months.

 

I know 95% of you will say "Ignore", but I just... ugh. I'm so polite to people, I hate knowing that I haven't answered someone. :/ And I know he doesn't deserve it, but part of me knows that he made an impulsive decision, and that he's likely regretting it.

 

And then part of me is self-conscious about what kind of image I put out there, and doesn't want to be seen as rude and undesirable.

 

I'm so weak

Edited November 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[me85]

Boy can I relate. I'm the same way, I don't want to be rude, not even to the people that don't deserve my politeness.

[blackcat777]

Immaturely breaking up with someone is extremely rude, and you don't want to be rude to yourself by gratifying the ego of someone who doesn't value or appreciate you.

 

It isn't rude. You first. It communicates something much worse if you put someone who doesn't value you first.

 

Focus on your healing. Anything else, plug your ears, la la la. It will make sense eventually, when you've taken sufficient time to yourself (NC) and your thoughts become clear.

[jackinthebox1]

Reply to it and go back to day 1 of NC.

Dont reply to it and he will become more frustrated and most likely pursue more contact.

 

Its quite the no brainer

[edgar allan bro]

I didn't reply for an hour and he said I was being childish.

[jackinthebox1]

I did say don't reply at all.

Welcome to a future of heart break and confusion, and no control

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hey, c'mon, this person is manipulating you, at the very best.

 

 

You are the (only) one showing common decency in not wanting to witness his putting-down of others.

 

You are the one putting up with all of this manipulative crap just in case you can make something decent out of him.

 

 

YOU ARE THE ONE who is clearly a viable potential partner for most of the good guys out there... and what you're doing right NOW is no more than trying to rescue the time and effort invested to date in somebody who just doesn't measure up to your level.

 

 

 

D.T.M.F.A. !!

[edgar allan bro]

Hey, c'mon, this person is manipulating you, at the very best.

 

 

You are the (only) one showing common decency in not wanting to witness his putting-down of others.

 

You are the one putting up with all of this manipulative crap just in case you can make something decent out of him.

 

 

YOU ARE THE ONE who is clearly a viable potential partner for most of the good guys out there... and what you're doing right NOW is no more than trying to rescue the time and effort invested to date in somebody who just doesn't measure up to your level.

 

 

 

D.T.M.F.A. !!

 

Thank you so much.. That means a lot to me. His behavior last night just proved to me how immature he really was. A relationship takes hard work, not minimal effort.. He's just being a spoiled kid, thinking that I'll be pure bliss and comfort to him 24/7.

 

I'm tired of dating little boys.. I feel like real men are a rarity.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I'm tired of dating little boys.. I feel like real men are a rarity.

 

 

 

... but they're NOT

 

 

(although you should contemplate the math which might allow a random, decent woman, to have lined-up just 2 or 3 little boys in succession, and caused themselves to know an inaccurate sense for how decent the real men around the next corner can be )

 

 

The challenge is, to walk around the next corner with your head and confidence held high. (as that {sometimes complete act} can be what boosts your chances at landing a great {real man} )

[edgar allan bro]

I guess guys in their early twenties are just not there yet? I doubt I have a problem with confidence to be honest...

[edgar allan bro]

This Monday was the first and last time I will ever break NC I hope.

 

My ex broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. He texted me this week, asking me if I had blocked him on FB. I said no, that I had deactivated my account to prepare for finals, and I told him that he was acting weird, that he was acting like someone who missed me.

 

He admitted that that was true, and that he had regrets but that "he was going to have to live with them" . He was asking me why we couldn't stay friends, that I was friends with other exes of mine; but I told him that they treated me with respect during our breakup, and that I wasn't interested in his friendship right now; it's either all or nothing.

 

He offered to talk "as friends and adults", but I said I would only talk in case he wanted to reassess the situation, he's like "yeah sure, we can talk over coffee or a movie", and I asked him to specify date/time, but I guess he fell asleep (it was around 1 AM), and then he never responded.

 

I got upset, reactivated my FB, and unfriended him the next day.

 

I feel like trash.. For breaking NC.. And now because he gave me hope that he wants to reconcile, yet he's being wishy-washy. I feel like there's someone else in the picture. I want to contact him so bad to see if he still wants to talk, but I know it's not right. Please help me; stop me from doing it.

[love2ride]

Dont do it. My ex did the same thing after two months. I thought i was over her. Nope. Thats when hell began. She ****ed with my head, made me fall in love again then cut me off now she is dating and I'm heartbroken and depressed. its not worth it. move on

[elaine567]

A 1am call is not from someone who is in their right mind. They are tired, emotional, possibly drunk and potentially horny too.

 

I have done this to an ex, I didn't want to get back together, I just wanted to speak to them and be friends with them, and after a few glasses of wine it seemed like a good thing to do...

It wasn't, they got fired up and thought we could get back together and I had to tell them again to their face it was over.

[TheyCallMeOx]

No matter how bad it gets, you've gotta stick to your guns. You have to realize that you're the only person holding you back from becoming the person you want to be. If he drops you a text message, you're not obligated to respond. If he calls you, he can leave a voicemail. As far as you're concerned, that part of your life is over. If he wanted you back, he would've said so, and he would've made it clear. It appears he either:

 

1) doesn't know what he wants to do or

2) has made his decision and just dragging it on for some reason because maybe

a) he wants to have sex on the side

b) he's mentally challenged.

 

Don't wait for something that probably won't even happen. If you talk to him again, just let him know that you aren't playing around. You're gonna change your phone number, block him, etc. You can't wait for him because you're only hurting yourself at this point, and if he REALLY wants to get back with you...he'll find a way to contact you again. Don't worry about what he does because it's no longer your concern. You're a free woman; enjoy yourself. Congratulations on being single because this is the best time to focus on yourself more, and improve your life.

 

Don't hold yourself back. If he wants you back in the future, he'll find a way to let you know. Otherwise, any other kind of communication between you and him is a complete waste of time.

[edgar allan bro]

Dont do it. My ex did the same thing after two months. I thought i was over her. Nope. Thats when hell began. She ****ed with my head, made me fall in love again then cut me off now she is dating and I'm heartbroken and depressed. its not worth it. move on

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's terrible; dumpers will do the worst things for the sake of their egos.

[edgar allan bro]

A 1am call is not from someone who is in their right mind. They are tired, emotional, possibly drunk and potentially horny too.

 

I have done this to an ex, I didn't want to get back together, I just wanted to speak to them and be friends with them, and after a few glasses of wine it seemed like a good thing to do...

It wasn't, they got fired up and thought we could get back together and I had to tell them again to their face it was over.

 

To be fair, he contacted me at 9, I just took forever to respond, but I get your point. How would you have felt if they had not written back at all?

[edgar allan bro]

No matter how bad it gets, you've gotta stick to your guns. You have to realize that you're the only person holding you back from becoming the person you want to be. If he drops you a text message, you're not obligated to respond. If he calls you, he can leave a voicemail. As far as you're concerned, that part of your life is over. If he wanted you back, he would've said so, and he would've made it clear. It appears he either:

 

1) doesn't know what he wants to do or

2) has made his decision and just dragging it on for some reason because maybe

a) he wants to have sex on the side

b) he's mentally challenged.

 

Don't wait for something that probably won't even happen. If you talk to him again, just let him know that you aren't playing around. You're gonna change your phone number, block him, etc. You can't wait for him because you're only hurting yourself at this point, and if he REALLY wants to get back with you...he'll find a way to contact you again. Don't worry about what he does because it's no longer your concern. You're a free woman; enjoy yourself. Congratulations on being single because this is the best time to focus on yourself more, and improve your life.

 

Don't hold yourself back. If he wants you back in the future, he'll find a way to let you know. Otherwise, any other kind of communication between you and him is a complete waste of time.

 

Thank you. I needed to hear that. Yes, he's technologically savvy and I'm sure he would find a way to contact me if he really did want to patch things up. Oh those breadcrumbs

[elaine567]

To be fair, he contacted me at 9, I just took forever to respond, but I get your point. How would you have felt if they had not written back at all?

 

OK, because I wasn't emotionally invested by then.

I was the dumper.

I knew what I wanted, and it wasn't him