8 year relationship ended by her - chances of her reconsidering

[stillhoping8]

Hi,

 

I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 8 years. We had a lovely long relationship that has gone through all the stages, we have been through everything together, had our own place, supported eachother and were each other's future.

 

She was distancing due to more and more fights we were having, mainly due to me being stressed at work. She gradually did the move but I didn't notice it in time. A big red flag was when she said she wanted to separate our incomes, a few months prior. I jokingly said "this will make us drift apart, is like you are saving for moving away". Little did I know, I was right.

 

She started a new job, she went on a business trip with some guy from work. I behaved poorly during that week, with jealousy rants during our online chats.

 

When she came home she started to act a bit differently.

 

She was looking for a small argument to do it and she finally did.

 

Her reasons were big ones:

- She expected a lot more from me during our relationship, children, marriage. Due to lack of communication and the illusion of us thinking we are actually younger than we are, I was not aware she felt like this.

- I was her first sexual partner.

- She also said that she doesn't love me anymore, she loves me but she is not in love with me like she used to.

- I have changed, our life became suffocated by routine, that I was more irritable, not like I was before.

- My behavior was not always the most honorable.

 

I should also mention that our arguments have been going for a while, mostly originating from my relationship immaturity, because although I am now 29, she was my first partner, and I was treating her like a douchebag sometimes, completely oblivious about how I should behave and about the fact that she will turn out to be the love of my life, and that we are passed the age for this behavior. I always thought she was lucky to have me when in reality is was the other way around.

 

I cried, I told her to reconsider, to remember who we are for eachother and how we can do things better with this new found communication.

 

In the end she left. She stayed at a hotel. After 1 week she was back, i hugged her and I could not believe it. I did not know how to react, she said she has given us more thought and that she still wants our plans together.

 

One week of being together, the shock of losing her changed me as a person, I was still recovering physically, mentally, but I was happy. I didn't have time to put much into practice. I was going to give her what she needed because I discovered how much I truly loved her.

 

Still, next weekend, she found herself a bit depressed and, after some pressure from me.. she said that maybe it was a mistake that she came back so soon.. We kissed intensively for hours.. we cried together, and after a very indecisive breakup, she left.

 

Mostly because, in the past weeks since everything started, I have read some ****ty advice online saying that "if she wants to leave don't fight it", and although she has given me many openings to try to pull her back, I replied always with stuff like "I just want you to be happy regardless of us being together". Big mistakes. She ended up renting a studio apartment.

 

Since then she started to back her decision more. I have not made much effort in trying to bring her back, apart from an IM in which I told her some things and an e-mail in which again I was expressing feelings of confusion as we parted as lovers, kissing and hugging, and could not believe how now we are not even speaking, after 1 week. She replied cold.

 

2 more weeks have passed, she called me to tell me she would like to come by, to see our cat and get all her remaining things.

 

I tried to make this encounter as pleasant as possible, I think I succeeded, although she cried a few times. I gave her some flowers when she left, she cried and accepted them, I told her that I have learned a lot and have seen many of my mistakes, and thanked her.

 

Next day she called me and told me to bring her something again. I met her, she had some flower from me, she was taking them to the office with her.. I asked her why, she said that she wants to see them and not leave them in the house all day.

 

Now she texted me because she forgot 2 items in our place that she needs, I replied and I am meeting her next week to give them to her.

 

After this, I am afraid we will dissolve into the abyss.

 

I cannot imagine my life without her. She is my best friend, I love her more than anything. I know she still has a lot of feelings for me. I am deeply hurt that she went through a lot of hardships just to get rid of me, the one she once loved more than anything in the world.

 

From the small fraction of information I was able to provide, do you think there is an actual chance of us getting back together?

 

What behavior from my side would improve these chances?

 

Also her birthday is in 2 weeks, I cannot imagine not saying happy birthday to her at least.

 

Sorry for my English, it's not my 1st language.

[d0nnivain]

She's cutting her losses after 8 years. She wanted to be married with kids by now. If you want her back show up on bended knee with a ring in hand. If you don't want that, you have no chance. Even if you do that she may be so angry with you at this point & her heart so broken it can't be put back together.

[stillhoping8]

She's cutting her losses after 8 years. She wanted to be married with kids by now. If you want her back show up on bended knee with a ring in hand. If you don't want that, you have no chance. Even if you do that she may be so angry with you at this point & her heart so broken it can't be put back together.

 

I think it is more than that. I would definitely want to get married to her (I should have thought about this sooner, always thought we will have time) but I think she will probably turn me down, in light of recent events. I am wondering how she thought it's a better way to start from scratch with someone else instead of working out things between us (she is 26).

 

I am thinking of maybe waiting and see if her feelings change somehow, and she realizes that she had a life and a home with me, maybe her single life will not be all that she wished for.

 

Thank you for your reply, I will consider this depending on the next signs I get from her.

 

I am still not sure about keeping contact, I am afraid this way she will get small doses of me and this will somehow make her gradually desensitized. And when I will be complete gone, she will not be so affected.

 

Last night there was an earth quake where I live. She texted me first.. I replied. I don't know what to make of her small contacts.

 

I am sometimes thinking about cutting all contact and make her realize that I am no longer there, that her safe place is gone.

 

I am also not sure that this will work and that she will think I have moved on. Somehow I am sure she knows it's impossible for me to move on.

[stillhoping8]

Update: when i met her for the last time i confessed about my belief that we could make it work sometime in the future, with what we have learned from this experience. I told her that i hope she can forgive me one day and if she needs to speak I am there. She said she is just sad. She said she cannot forgive me right now and wants to be fine on her own. She said "maybe we will find each other again in the future". " go on with your life, don't wait for me". I don't know how much time needs to pass". "We should not speak for a while".

 

Can anyone that has maybe been through this make any sense of what she really wants to say? Until now, she didn't hint any hope for the future.. She was more direct saying "we'll no longer be together". Is the fact that she is now saying stuff like this a good thing?

[d0nnivain]

I went through this. After 10 years I finally waked away when I realized he'd never marry me.

 

 

All the things she said were clichés. She said them because she didn't want to hurt your feelings to your face.

[BC1980]

I think she has been pretty clear. She wants a marriage with children, and she said she no longer loves you. When you have been with someone for a long time, hoping and waiting for change, you can loose feelings over time. It becomes a burdensome struggle, and you become dissatisfied. You can't really do anything but walk away at this point.

[BC1980]

Update: when i met her for the last time i confessed about my belief that we could make it work sometime in the future, with what we have learned from this experience. I told her that i hope she can forgive me one day and if she needs to speak I am there. She said she is just sad. She said she cannot forgive me right now and wants to be fine on her own. She said "maybe we will find each other again in the future". " go on with your life, don't wait for me". I don't know how much time needs to pass". "We should not speak for a while".

 

Can anyone that has maybe been through this make any sense of what she really wants to say? Until now, she didn't hint any hope for the future.. She was more direct saying "we'll no longer be together". Is the fact that she is now saying stuff like this a good thing?

 

She's being as direct at she can without hurting your feelings. It's really difficult to say what you feel to someone's face when you will hurt them. She also wants to leave some wiggle room for herself in case she changes her mind. All the stuff she said is very common and was said to me as well. All of this stuff has been said a thousand times over to most people here.

[stillhoping8]

It's really hard to understand. I keep thinking that maybe she will change her mind. But I do know that the life she had with me was not satisfying, I kept giving up the present for a future that was not coming. Maybe it's time for me to accept it.

 

Actions speak for themselves .. she walked away from a house, a lot of things we bought together during 8 years, a financial comfort, a loving boyfriend. She chose a life of uncertainty and struggle she must have been very determined.

 

I told her that I should have married her, that we just didn't communicate well enough. She always made hints that this is not very important for her at this time. It was at this point when she stopped saying never and started making references at a future time.

 

Even though I still want to believe, I am losing hope and I must face the facts, my phone will probably never light up with her picture, ever again..

Edited November 30, 2014 by stillhoping8

[LostInLosingLove]

It was at this point when she stopped saying never and started making references at a future time.

 

She's been with you for so long that she isn't 100% confident in her ability to be by herself. To make it on her own.

 

Not saying never gives her the backdoor back into the relationship assuming you keep waiting there. Don't wait and don't expect it. Just do you and if she comes back and you are ready, then deal with it at that time.

 

You know in movies they sensationalize this thing called hope. It's like the holy grail of human existence(besides love). Well in this case, hope is the last thing you want to hold onto.

 

Cry for your loss. Admit and own up to your own mistakes and know that you can't change the past. Time will soften the hurt by hardening your heart. You won't think about her as much or as often, even if you still love your memory of her.

Edited December 1, 2014 by LostInLosingLove

[stillhoping8]

She's been with you for so long that she isn't 100% confident in her ability to be by herself. To make it on her own.

 

Not saying never gives her the backdoor back into the relationship assuming you keep waiting there. Don't wait and don't expect it. Just do you and if she comes back and you are ready, then deal with it at that time.

 

You know in movies they sensationalize this thing called hope. It's like the holy grail of human existence(besides love). Well in this case, hope is the last thing you want to hold onto.

 

Cry for your loss. Admit and own up to your own mistakes and know that you can't change the past. Time will soften the hurt by hardening your heart. You won't think about her as much or as often, even if you still love your memory of her.

 

 

It's hard to be me since I cannot even remember who/how I was before her. I just love her immensely and would give anything for her to come back.

 

And also the fact that she left has crippled me socially, I no longer have any desire to leave the house, at work I am a recluse...

 

Time passed (more than a month since the whole ordeal started, when she wanted to leave, when she came back and left again..) and I still think about her the same, I cry the same as the day she left, every morning when I wake up into a rush and cold realization that she is gone, she is the first and last thought in my mind.

 

You're right about hope, but I don't want to give it up. Without her I have nothing and I think that this hope is the only thing that keeps me going.

 

I know it doesn't make any sense it's like I am prolonging my suffering and this way I will not be in any state of getting her back if the chance will arise.

 

Sometimes I try to visualize her life by herself, how maybe she is lonely, how maybe she will meet someone and she will dislike him because she will think of me.. How she will gradually start to miss the little things we did, our life together and what we had. But I cannot know anything for sure.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[LostInLosingLove]

I know it doesn't make any sense it's like I am prolonging my suffering and this way I will not be in any state of getting her back if the chance will arise.

 

Sometimes I try to visualize her life by herself, how maybe she is lonely, how maybe she will meet someone and she will dislike him because she will think of me.. How she will gradually start to miss the little things we did, our life together and what we had. But I cannot know anything for sure.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

It makes complete total sense. I am/was the same(literally no social life/a hermit). I prolonged my suffering by keeping direct contact for a year and a half. Even then, I still refused to accept the finality of things. Until the last time I confronted her and laid it all on the line(for the 100th time). After that, I couldn't let myself hurt or be humiliated in that way anymore.

 

I think the problem is with our ego's. Even your example of the visualizing her life without you. It's like that's your brain's way of boosting your self esteem to feel better about yourself.

 

The brutal truth. It's all a lie. If we were that good to begin with, we wouldn't even know what loveshack is.

Edited December 1, 2014 by LostInLosingLove

[love2ride]

I would walk away and go NC. The only way she will come back if she misses you. I know this from personal experience what i'm going through now. I went no contact In September for two months, that when the ex started contacting me. We slept together hung out a few times and I got pushy. Then I got to pushy, I pushed her away. Now she is dating and i'm NC. The only way they will come back if they realize you are really gone and won't chase them. They need to meet more men and will HOPEFULLY realize that they don't compare to you. It could take months though if it does happen. So ya move on and go NC. If she loves you shell come back. And don't answer breadcrumbs they just wanna no if you are still there. She still does that **** to me. Only way I will answer her is if I hear something like, "I love you I ****ed up can we talk".

[stillhoping8]

I would walk away and go NC. The only way she will come back if she misses you. I know this from personal experience what i'm going through now. I went no contact In September for two months, that when the ex started contacting me. We slept together hung out a few times and I got pushy. Then I got to pushy, I pushed her away. Now she is dating and i'm NC. The only way they will come back if they realize you are really gone and won't chase them. They need to meet more men and will HOPEFULLY realize that they don't compare to you. It could take months though if it does happen. So ya move on and go NC. If she loves you shell come back. And don't answer breadcrumbs they just wanna no if you are still there. She still does that **** to me. Only way I will answer her is if I hear something like, "I love you I ****ed up can we talk".

 

Well, I should mention that if she dates someone in between, our relationship is gone as I will not accept it. So the chances of saving this thing are really slim. I really should accept that it's over and move on.

 

Even if she comes back and she admits it or we don't talk about it, the innocence and beauty of what we had, the promises we made, are gone and broken forever.

 

I am still asking myself why.

 

Hope she will be happy with her decision in the long run because she might not have another choice.

[BC1980]

Well, I should mention that if she dates someone in between, our relationship is gone as I will not accept it. So the chances of saving this thing are really slim. I really should accept that it's over and move on.

 

Even if she comes back and she admits it or we don't talk about it, the innocence and beauty of what we had, the promises we made, are gone and broken forever.

 

I am still asking myself why.

 

Hope she will be happy with her decision in the long run because she might not have another choice.

 

Once someone pulls the trigger on the relationship, the trust is gone.