Don't know what to do.......always been a cheater

[diannelks]

I have been married for 5 years to my H and have a 4 year old daughter. He was my boyfriend before since 1987 and I lost my virginity to him.

 

Although we have an unbroken relationship during this whole time, I have cheated on him on numerous occassion. I am a very independent woman and he gave me so much space and trust that I sometimes cheated on him right under his nose. I think he suspects that I cheated and he sometimes ask..to which I always say no.

 

When we finally got married I told myself I will never cheat again until I have my daughter. He never help out at all and it was a nightmare. I rationalise that he gave me so much space because he don't really care.

 

On my 2nd year of marriage, I started to to have sex with my clients at work. Usually these affairs last a few months until MM came along. He was attracted to me for a long time(almost a year) before I finally asked him whether he like me one day when he was particularly down. I thought it was just going to be like the other affairs but this time I fell in love. I always discourage him from loving me but I also did encourage his love. I gave him such a rollercoaster that you won't believe but he persevered. We are still together to this day (been 2 years). He too suspects that I have been sleeping around but I didn't.....although I flirt alot.

 

MM is currently in a strained marriage and I know he is an excellent father to his children. I think I kinda strained his marriage especially when I meet his mother and brothers and his children. I go to his office and sat and work on his chair and made it quite clear to everyone that I am someone special to MM. He gave me a lot of business to my firm and we are starting a new business together in which he come up with all the capital. I have never met someone who is so much in love with me before.

 

a few months ago, I started to feel guilt for my husband and I treated MM really bad. MM wanted to know whether I really want him and all I gave to him is more question marks. He fell into depression and so did I. True to his word, he still takes care of me. Sometimes I wish MM is just like the other guys I use to have affairs with.

 

My husband is quite different now although some things never change. He is much more caring and we have less arguments now. I find myself remembering our past romance and starting to fall in love with him again.

 

I know I am selfish and cruel. I know I am using both my H and MM but I can't help it. I have mood swings that the slightest difference of oppinion can change how I feel for a particular person. H thinks I am weird and MM thinks I am a narcistic person. My parents and siblings seems to like MM very much. I don't know what to do. I started flirting with this car salesperson and I know I will eventually sleep with this guy and I hate myself for it.

[Merin]

Wow.. this could be a first.. your husband and your MM are both right..

 

You are wierd and a narrcistic person.. or maybe YOU'RE right.. you're selfish and cruel.. eh either way I get the idea.

 

I really hate it when someone says they just can't help it.. that is so damn lame and such a cop out.

Obviously you know what you're doing isn't okay.. so it isn't that you're to ignorant to see there is a problem.. so yeah.. saying that now you can't help behaving that way is well.. bullsh*t.

 

You have some issues.. and again.. you've said so yourself. So whats up? Why not get some help to find solutions here instead of dragging everyone down.

[Mz. Pixie]

Perhaps you should check out the information available on the internet for Borderline Personality Disorders? You probably have one.

 

Most of these people feel no empathy for others- they may say they do but they really don't. To me your post doesn't sound like you're really feeling guilty.

 

I'm not saying this like I'm sitting up on a pedestal and I'm perfect. I had a fling during my marriage because my needs were not being met. It came out after the divorce and it was horrible. What you are doing though is beyond someone being married for 10+ years and having an affair, you have a addiction of some sorts.

 

Get some counseling. Having sex with your clients??? Unprofessional, and if you were caught you'd probably lose your job.

[li'l bunny]

You probably can HELP it, but it does sound like you have a fundamental problem with emapthy as Ms P. said. You probably don't feel any remorse or sadness at what you are doing, and don't realise that you are hurting someone.

 

I know someone who had a problem like that years back, she was sexually abused when she was a child and she always felt men had no feelings. She could not in any way empathise with men, she would use them, cheat on them, she just never believed it had any affect on them (or maybe she was trying to get them back for all the hurt they had caused her...??)

 

Anyway, definitely seek professional help. And you will have to end one of the above relationships (if not both). And you need to be honest with your H it really isn't fair on him.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if you people who love and care for you treated you the way you treated them? How very sad that you hurt, betray and disrespect people who love you. Would you want your children to grow up and marry someone like you?

[Mr Spock]

There is no point in asking someone with a personality disorder to consider the feelings of others.

 

 

You have issues that don't really have a whole lot to do with sex. Sex may be how you react, but it's not the cause.

 

 

If anyone's had to deal with someone with a TRUE mental illness, you would know in fact that people aren't always in control.

 

So, get thee to a doctor. You are in dire need of a head shrinking.

 

 

There are those that cheat because they want to. Then there are those with some kind of weird compulsion. It seems that the moment you are aware of your power over someone's emotions you stomp all over them. You very well could be a narccisst. (sic) Good luck, because people with that particular personality disorder are hard to treat.

 

 

Seek help, before your world starts to crash around you.

[SleepingLover]

I agree! Get to a Psychiatrist quick!

 

What I have read here seems like Mz Pixie might be on the correct path.

 

I'm not sure about your complete peronality, but I can tell that by coming here that you are reaching out for help because you know something is wrong.

 

I, myself, have my psychiatrist baffled. He doesn't really know how to classify me. I show symptons of nearly all the mood disorders and he tends to think I'm Cyclothymic. Cyclothymia is a lesser bi-polar disorder without the extreme highs and lows of a "Manic Depressive". It can be very difficult to diagnose and many people with this disease are misdiagnosed as having an Anxiety/depression disorder or Attention Deficit Disorder or all of the above.

 

The clear distinction between Cylothymics and Manic Depressives (Bi-polar I or II) is not only the timeline in which episodes occur and the duration, but whether or not there are any psychotic episodes. Cyclothymics do not experience any psychotic episodes and, typically, can identify with their symptoms whereas full blown Bi-polars cannot. Cyclothymics never leave reality and can, often, control their disorder without medication, but almost always need therapy.

 

Cyclothymics also do not have to identify with all of the classic bi-polar symptons, but they, generally, identify with most of them.

 

Although you sound more apt to have a Borderline Personality Disorder, you should also be checked to see if you have a BiPolar disorder. One of the classic symptons of Bi-polars is promiscuousness.

 

Here is a tidbit on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder):

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

 

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal

relationships characterized by alternating between

extremes of idealization and devaluation.

 

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable

self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals;

or career choices, types of friends desired or values

preferred.

 

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially

self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance

abuse, and binge eating.

 

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or

self-mutilating behavior.

 

6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to

depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a

few hours and only rarely more than a few days.

 

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

 

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling

anger; frequent displays of temper.

 

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe

dissociative symptoms.

 

Keep in mind that BPD can coexist with a mood disorder such as Bipolar I, II or Cyclothymia

 

The BiPolar Symptoms are as follow and these are the same symptoms for Cylothymia as well which is still classified as a lesser bipolar disorder. The two lines that I have emboldened would lead to increased promscuousness without concern for the risks of the behavior. It is one of the symptoms I really don't have. However during periods that I can identify with as "Manic", I do tend to have an increase in sexual thoughts and am hypersexual, just no partner to unleash it on hehe. I have a lot of self control.

 

Manic symptoms include:

-Severe changes in mood, either extremely irritable or overly silly and elated

-Overly-inflated self-esteem; grandiosity

-Increased energy

-Decreased need for sleep, ability to go with very little or no sleep for days without tiring

-Increased talking, talks too much, too fast; changes topics too quickly; cannot be interrupted

-Distractibility, attention moves constantly from one thing to the next

-Hypersexuality, increased sexual thoughts, feelings, or behaviors; use of explicit sexual language

-Increased goal-directed activity or physical agitation

-Disregard of risk, excessive involvement in risky behaviors or activities

 

Depressive symptoms include:

-Persistent sad or irritable mood

-Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed

-Significant change in appetite or body weight

-Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping

-Physical agitation or slowing

-Loss of energy

-Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt

-Difficulty concentrating

-Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

 

If you have any or all of those symptons, get to a doctor and get diagnosed! You will feel much better and do much better in your life if you do.

[diannelks]

My sincere thanks to all of you. I don't know what to say....my mind now is a total blank except one thing...a question really...Is it normal to feel horny in times of extreme stress like death of a love one, financial problems, etc?

[diannelks]

My sincere thanks to all of you. I don't know what to say....my mind now is a total blank except one thing...a question really...Is it normal to feel horny in times of extreme stress like death of a love one, financial problems, etc?

[whichwayisup]

Sounds like you need some therapy. The others said most of what I was going to say as well.

 

One thing...Just remember you have a DAUGHTER who is watching, learning and probably unfortunately learning some Narcississtic traits from you. You are aware you have a child right? Does she come first into this equation or just hubby/mm and sex?

[sgirl728]

You sound so much like a girl I know. I just want to know one thing, If you found out that your H was having a sexual and emotional affair with someone and was in love with her, What would you do then??? Just curious b/c this is my situation but my MM is having trouble leaving his Marriage. I just wonder sometimes if she knew the truth what would happen.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sgirl-

 

My mother suffered from a narcasstic personality disorder. They are almost psychotic. There are numerous books about people with BPD who have killed. Eileen Warnoz, the first woman serial killer, Diane Downs- who killed all but one of her children, if I had to guess Susan Smith suffered from this as well.

 

They are sometimes dangerous. Protect yourself.

[sgirl728]

Yeah, I know. My xH is the same way. So is his W and he has not been able to leave her. She is in the process of a nervous breakdown right now....

[diannelks]

I think I am moving in the right direction now. My relationship with my H is getting better. I am slowly distancing myself emotionally with MM. Every month the distance is bigger and bigger.

 

MM is quite supportive although I know he is very dissapointed and devastated. I wish there is another me for him. Given the chance of meeting him first, I definitely would not have married my H. Going into the 6th month of my plan to distance myself from him, I still cry myself to sleep over him. I think I will get over him soon.

 

My sister and brother still contact MM a lot. My parents adore him. My mum always said to me that MM is the perfect husband for me....she didn't know about our relationship. My family always have not been supportive of my marriage to H. To them my H is more of a friend material rather than husband material to me. I fought with my mum over this, only to apologise to her recently for being right. I am quite a spoiled brat and I always get my way.

 

Anyway, I didn't sleep with the salesman. Funny thing is that the thought of MM and not H that prevented me from doing that.

 

Eitherway, I will save this marriage.... it is more important after all. I only hope I do not regret doing this. I hope MM's recovery will be brief. I have never known love, despite my marriage and many affairs, like the love that MM gave to me. I am crying again......

[faux]

Sorry. I don't buy that you hate yourself for doing any of this; if you did, you would have stopped this behavior a very long time ago.

 

I think it is horrible what you are putting your husband through. One day he is going to find out about everything, and I wonder if the poor guy will have a heart attack and die on the spot.

 

 

I don't think you're crazy; I just think you use people. If you want to go get diagnosed with something, which is relatively easy to have done, and use that as a crutch you can go ahead. It won't change anything.

[diannelks]

Faux, you are probably right..... I probably don't hate myself for what I have done.......I really don't know. Maybe that is why I am so screwed up. Maybe that is why everyone including my family say that they have never ever understood me.......... oddly enough I took pride in knowing nobody can understand me.

 

MM recently told me that I am perhaps the most insensitive person he has ever met and he don't know why he is so in love with me. Talk to my H about MM's comment about me and he totally agree. Couldn't sleep that night but by morning I manage to console myself that they don't really know what they are talking about. I need to be tough in my career and that probably gave them the impression that I am insensitive. Silly isn't it? I can actually make myself believe what I want to believe.

 

Hmmm.. now I know why my dad want me to stay single and not get married at all. He didn't elaborate why he thought that way which was wise of him cause I will probably give him hell

[wanting to heal]

You should just go on with your life. You are probably an attractive woman, you can get sex if you want it. Just don't get it from married men.

 

You want to be independent, then be that. And, be honest enough with yourself to go get professional help. Your behavior is going to be what feels good to you at the time, without regard for others. You are going to end up hurting your husband really bad. Spare him it all. You do not REALLY love him or you would not have done what you did, and what you continue to do.

 

Is it all about you? It seems that way. Loving someone means putting them before you. I do not see that capacity in you.

 

Take your Dad's advice. Get single and stay that way.

[diannelks]

What u said hit home. Its all about me. Can a person like me be help?

 

I know what I do is really bad but I don't know why I keep justifying it. I don't want to hurt anyone but my actions are always hurtful. At times I feel that I could not please anyone as much as I tried, but the fact of the matter is that I am hurting the very people that matters to my life.

 

I want to get professional help but somehow I know I am beyond help. MM thinks that the fact that I am an attorney makes it even harder. I don't want to spend my life alone. I even had suicidal thoughts and end everyone's misery.

[TMCM]

Dianne,

 

1. Doesn't your H deserve to know the truth about you so he can choose whether or not to continue being married to you?

 

2. Wouldn't it be better if you divorced your H so he could find a woman who will truly love him and will be faithful to him?

 

3. Wouldn't you want the above if the roles were reversed?

 

TMCM

[moimeme]

Have you gone to see a counsellor? It was suggested by numerous people. You can't just go around whining 'what's wrong with me' to people on forums - you need to be proactive and see what's up with you. If people who love you call you insensitive, then you definitely need a lot of help. So get it.

[reservoirdog1]

Dianne, two things:

 

1) In any event, please divorce your husband. He deserves the opportunity to move on and find somebody who is devoted to him and who will treat him with the respect he deserves. And unfortunately, that's just not you.

 

2) I don't know how things work where you live, but I'm a lawyer too, and up here sleeping with your clients comes very close to crossing an ethical line, and does so in many circumstances. Don't do something that could simultaneously cost you your marriage AND your livelihood.

[Ladyjane14]

You need to get some help for yourself. Refusal to seek and accept treatment on your part will leave YOU extremely miserable in your life. You are currently toxic in ALL of your relationships with your current attitude. You'll eventually find yourself old and alone because of it.

 

You may be a card-carrying narcissist, without empathy for others....but the joke's on you. Narcissists who refuse treatment lead VERY unhappy lives.

 

A good first step would be to research that condition and learn as much about it as you can. Narcissism is not a dirty word. It's a bonafide psychological condition.

 

For your own sake....and because the only one you seem to care about is YOU.....get some help. I guarantee you, there will be a time when you heartily wish that you had....because NOBODY else in your life will be there to care.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

Dianne, two things:

 

1) In any event, please divorce your husband. He deserves the opportunity to move on and find somebody who is devoted to him and who will treat him with the respect he deserves. And unfortunately, that's just not you.

 

2) I don't know how things work where you live, but I'm a lawyer too, and up here sleeping with your clients comes very close to crossing an ethical line, and does so in many circumstances. Don't do something that could simultaneously cost you your marriage AND your livelihood.

 

Ditto. Under the new rules of professional conduct in most states, it IS an offense unless the relationship existed prior to the attorney-client relationship. You could lose your license (and it'll be because some client's wife finds out and makes a call).

[reservoirdog1]

To say nothing of the humiliation of having to go through a disciplinary hearing, the results of which (where I practice, anyway) are a matter of public record.

 

My ex-wife got shamed far and wide by an anonymous email (not from me) to a couple of hundred people telling them she was a serial cheat. Out of a willingness to not damage her any more than had already been done, I didn't seek a divorce on grounds of adultery. At least where there's no official record, time can remove the information from people's minds. Hard to do if anybody can dig up the dirt whenever they want.

[amy1975]

She can't be that 'independent' or 'in control' if she clings to these two guys, and then martyrs herself for it.

 

Like an ass stuck between two bags of hay...