WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 CONSULT WITH AN ATTORNEY - now, before doing the paternity test, or speaking with them any more, or doing anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 yes sad flower, do not do the paternity test. dont do anything until you really have to. DONT DO IT. dont do anything that makes you feel scared or powerless sad flower. you are the mother and your happiness is paramount. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by goldy yes sad flower, do not do the paternity test. dont do anything until you really have to. DONT DO IT. dont do anything that makes you feel scared or powerless sad flower. you are the mother and your happiness is paramount. I'm not deliberately trying to take an oppositional stance here, but again I must question this advice. What good does it do SadFlower, in either the short run or the long run, to take an openly adversarial position against either her ex or his family more generally, even before they've shown their hand? It's his child. He has both rights and responsibilities. If SadFlower denies his paternity, she denies herself and her child access to needed financial support. And that might not even be an option for her ultimately. What good would it do her to wait until there's a court order for a paternity test? What would that accomplish, except to a) incur greater legal expenses for herself, and b) create more tension and hostility between her and her ex? Who will suffer emotionally for that tension -- my guess is that SadFlower would suffer more than he. Even if being oppositional would make things more difficult for him, the cost to SadFlower would be high. And if he's looking for an excuse to villify her (as she suspects), putting up a futile struggle is a great way to hand him fuel for that fire. Yes, it's generally better for mothers of infants to be content and comfortable. But mothers of infants also need to be realistic. Getting an attorney is realistic, and if you haven't done so yet SadFlower, do it. Do it before you post anything else -- don't spend the time here that you should be spending finding appropriate legal counsel. SadFlower, you can get emotional support here, but ultimately you cannot get sound advice that's specific to your situation. You're in a tough bind because you're trying to cope with the pain and disappointment of a failed relationship, and the deception that went along with it. But you've also got to be practical and realistic for the sake of your son. If you allow your needs as a rejected lover to dictate how you proceed with the father of your son, I fear the outcome will make you feel far worse than you do right now. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 yes midori what you say is sound advice, on the other hand sad flower is frightened and until she gets all the advice she need she should not rush into any decision, she can proceed in her own time when she is sure enough of all the facts that it is not as frightening an experience. obviously she feels that she cannot trust this guy so rushing into any agreement with him is not helping her state of mind. this is what i was saying, dont let him bully you, make sure you get legal advice first. i dont think i was saying she should rebel against everyone, i was saying dont act until you are fully informed and comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 well just ignore everything i have ever said sf, maybe i dont know what i'm talking about or maybe i am far too rebellious by nature for my own good, let alone anyone elses!! sorry Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by goldy i dont think i was saying she should rebel against everyone, i was saying dont act until you are fully informed and comfortable. I largely agree with this, except that upon getting legal advice and being informed of what her options and obligations are, SadFlower is going to have to act, whether or not she's comfortable. If the lawyer says, "there's no way around it, you're going to have to get a paternity test. If you don't do so voluntarily, they'll just get a court order requiring you to do so," then surely it's best that she takes her lawyer's advice, even if she doesn't like it. The point is that she probably isn't going to be completely comfortable in this situation. She's not going to feel completely in control, or at peace, at least not at first. She's not going to know how her ex and his wife will be with her son until he starts to spend time with them. She's going to be anxious, and rightly so, but that's probably unavoidable. If her ex pursues his parental rights, she isn't going to be able to prevent that, no matter how uncomfortable she is. I've spoken up in this thread because, as I said earlier, I've been witnessing custody disputes among people that I know. I know it's common, and understandable, in the context of this particular forum to be negative about the spouses of married lovers. And SadFlower's confusion and anguish about her ex returning to his wife is clear in other threads. Regardless of the circumstances, break-ups are never easy, and people need support -- which is why they're here of course! But I was alarmed when I read this thread and saw people advising SadFlower to "forget about the wife, who cares how she feels?" and similar sentiments. That attitude might work when it's just the lover who's involved. But there's a child here. The other people -- SadFlower's ex, and his wife -- cannot be ignored. The situation isn't going to wait on hold until SadFlower is comfortable with the circumstances. It's probably going to take a long time for her pain to heal completely, but her behavior now will set the tone for how the relationship with the father of her child will unfold. Will everything have to be mapped out by lawyers, with expensive, restrictive agreements? Or will there be some basic legal agreements (necessary for SadFlower & child's financial security) but the day-to-day stuff more loosely structured, in a way that allows the involved parties greater flexibility? Will all communication between SadFlower and her ex have to occur through lawyers, or will they be able to speak to each other in a constructive way about things concerning their son? I understand that there's a lot of negative emotion right now, but if you choose to let that be what drives and guides you right now SadFlower, as I've said already, I worry that the final outcome will be not to your advantage, or your son's. Link to post Share on other sites
goldy Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 yes midori its true. i guess i was speaking purely emotionally, which isnt very helpful, i know!! i have had friends feel that they are completely powerless and rush into things they werent ready for uninformed and end up unhappy with the outcome, i really feel for them and dont think it was fair. i still think they would have been better off armed with all the legal advice before settling anything between themselves and the fathers. i dont suppose it was very sound advice though!! i think at the end of any relationship at least one party ends up with a certain degree of mistrust of the other because it seems that somewhere there has been lies and deceit or we would not have invested emotionally, however it seems these things happen much more in this kind of relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad Flower Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 Well I hadn't had the chance to get on LS over the weekend but when I came back and seen all the DON"T DO IT'S I started to panic because I had already DID IT about two hours before I logged in here Well I greatly appreciate everyone's advice, thanks MIDORI for taking your time to advise me, I guess what you say is true I do feel power less or out of control in this situation and I am scared of the unknown. I will keep you guys updated on the situation, god knows I will be coming back for advise. I will look more into my legal rights and his rights too. The point is that she probably isn't going to be completely comfortable in this situation. She's not going to feel completely in control, or at peace, at least not at first. She's not going to know how her ex and his wife will be with her son until he starts to spend time with them. She's going to be anxious, and rightly so, but that's probably unavoidable. Exactly how I feel...... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 Originally posted by Sad Flower Well I greatly appreciate everyone's advice, thanks MIDORI for taking your time to advise me, I guess what you say is true I do feel power less or out of control in this situation and I am scared of the unknown. I will keep you guys updated on the situation, god knows I will be coming back for advise. I will look more into my legal rights and his rights too. Exactly how I feel...... I'm glad that you've been helped by what we've all had to say. I've never been in your shoes before, but I have had the rug pulled out from under me relationship-wise on more than one occasion. I know that it can be really hard to bear up after being deceived by someone who gave every sign of being sincere and emotionally honest. That can make you feel powerless and vulnerable. I overcame that by throwing myself into my work. You've got your son and his interests to look out for. If you can find a way to put your hurt feelings on the back burner (I'm not saying ignore them or try to erase them) and instead focus on being a responsible, reasonable parent who is determined to get what's best for her son and maintain her dignity, you'll not only be able to serve your son's best interests but you'll also have something to distract you from your heartache. And you'll probably make them feel rather stupid for trying to villify you. He's just trying to avoid a guilty conscience, he's got motive for making you out to be bad. Why aid him in that self-deception? Being reasonable doesn't mean being a doormat. If they start to get ugly, you just turn to your lawyer and get ready to play hardball. Make sure you get a lawyer who can play hardball if necessary. But before I bow out of this discussion, let me say one last time that I really do think it will be in your best interest to try to not villify your ex's wife. Don't make her an enemy to your son until she proves herself to be one. That might happen -- but if it must happen, don't let yourself be the cause of it. Last thing: for what it's worth, I agree with those who wonder why you'd want this guy back. I notice you said that now he's trying to make out that the affair was all your fault. Is it only a coincidence that he gave you the impression that his wife is mean, etc.? Funny how the women in his life are all incredibly flawed but he's not... Good luck. And get a lawyer. Now!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad Flower Posted April 7, 2005 Author Share Posted April 7, 2005 Well here is an update, we recieved the pat test results back last wed. and of course MM IS THE FATHER! Buuuut he has not bothered to contact me to say anything in regard to seeing the baby..I feel he is just full of bullcrap and my friend said I have false hope that he will be there for my son. He is such an A$$. I just want nothing to do with him i want NC I want to move on and be happy because he made me sad and is still making me sad and I feel like I'm being strung along and like he has a hold on me and like I can't move on with out his approval..that is so dumb that I feel like that. He is not good for my son I see no benefit in my son knowing such an a**h*** father and I can't help but to sit here and think his wife has something to do with him not contacting me as far as the baby goes. One of his good friends told me she figured out that his wife was the one who wanted the pat test done so he did it for her. so dumb! He also tries to justify why he has been a jerk to me to the good friend. He told her "well she didn't even contact me when she had the baby" HELLO he told me he wanted nothing to do with me and didn't want to hear from me!! Like I was going to call him and say "your son was just born and be all happy about it" I'm just tired so so tired of all this MM crap. When i had told him to just move on he didnt seem like he wanted to, he said it wasnt my decision to move on and not let him be in my sons life but his actions speak louder than his words..they tell me he dont give a S%&T! I am on a rant..venting Please help me get on ....... my thing is be there if your going to be there and if your not then leave me alone!i am not bugging him to be there!!!! I hate when people say they are going to do one thing then do another or do nothing @ all!! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted April 8, 2005 Share Posted April 8, 2005 sad flower, try if you can and let go of the anger, you have just had a baby, be good to yourself, you need to preserve your strength and energy. just concentrate on yours and babys lives without mm in it, if he decides to help you and be a good father then see that as a bonus. i know it is difficult to not know how things stand, but you can deal with it better if you stop wishing that things were different. they are the way they are. try to do alot of meditation and relaxation excercises and let go of any expectation that you are going to get any help or that your child is going to have a decent father, it wont affect the child if it doesnt affect you. as for child support, he will have to pay up wont he? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts