22 Year old Son problems

[Els]

This kid needs help, boundaries and consequences.

 

I'd suggest only allowing him to live at your house if he attends weekly counselling appointments. If he misses a single one, out he goes.

 

And goes to rehab. And after he is done with rehab, starts looking for a job or going to school full-time.

[Radu]

Don't let him use college OP.

 

If it's cheap and he works on the side, yes, do it.

If it's something expensive [and useless] ... don't ... just don't.

 

He's going to relapse into laziness [i did ... if i sit without a major stresser for a 1 week i'm in danger of it].

It's like a pendulum's swing.

He will go from extreme to extreme to less extreme until the variations are lower and lower ... normality.

 

PS: I mentioned earlier that this is a worldwide phenomena.

It's true, this is happening a lot in Japan.

The extreme is the 30-40yr old japanese guy who is secluded in his parents home without social interaction but with good internet connection.

It's an epidemic there.

Edited November 28, 2014 by Radu

[bathtub-row]

My son has worked almost the entire time he has been in college. He has basically worked since he was around 13. He's now in his last year of college and he's completely self-supportive. Granted, he has received loans and grants but even if he hadn't gotten those things, he would've figured it out. His gf works and has been putting herself through college for the past two yrs going to community college. She has her own place to live. She will be going to a university now. My point is, where there's a will, there's a way.

 

If I were you, I would not support your son to go through college. The reason being is that he will start to take you for granted again. You need to make him completely independent and he needs to understand that it's high time he grew up. Maybe after he's shown you success after a couple of yrs, you could help him pay for his books or something. But he needs to demonstrate consistency about being responsible before you help out again.

[bathtub-row]

Another thought, LadyAngler, is to make sure that you don't let yourself get to this point of anger again. Now, what your son did was horrible and inexcusable. So don't even think about apologizing to him. But, for your part, please try not to deal with him on that level again. I know there were times when my son was young that he could infuriate me. That's when I learned to never discipline him while I was in that angry mode. Not saying that anger is bad because it helps us define what we will or will not tolerate. And if this incident changed the dynamics between you and your son, then that's a very good thing. I'm just saying that there are ways to handle things without being angry.

 

Also as far as what your son did, and how he has lived his life, remember that you did contribute to that. Again, not to apologize to him but to be able to forgive your son for what he did so that the two of you can move forward in love and peace. I hope this helps.

[anika99]

No comment. You know your own problems better than us in here. I just find it hard for a mother to disown her kid, not that it hasn't happened before

 

 

 

Whats wrong if a 22 year old lives with his mother/father/parents?

 

 

There is nothing wrong with a 22 yr old living at home if they are going to college and/or working and saving for their eventual departure from the family home. That is perfectly fine. But if the 22 yr old is doing absolutely nothing with their life, not working, not going to school, spending their days laying around and smoking dope then they need their butt kicked out the door. Letting an adult child spend their life being a useless bum is wrong.

[worlybear]

I´m appalled!!!!!

 

I cannot believe someone that calls herself a mother would act like this!

 

To leave her only son outside, in the cold, without a dollar to pay for a bus, starving, and sick!!!!! On thanksgiving day!!!!!!!

 

I´m livid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She did ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT THING!

Being a Mum is tough when it comes to refusing to enable his p*** poor choices.

Time for him to man up and start treating his mum like a human being and not a doormat!

[soret]

No comment. You know your own problems better than us in here. I just find it hard for a mother to disown her kid, not that it hasn't happened before

 

 

 

Whats wrong if a 22 year old lives with his mother/father/parents?

 

I mean there isn't anything wrong with a 22 year old living at home but the difference is he has no life goals at all. His mother has been enabling him his whole life.

 

I'm currently 22 and living at home but I'm going to university, working part time, and taking care of the house we share.

[Tiger Lily]

Then stop reading it you idiot.

 

 

That's quite rude language, especially after such limited interaction on a forum. If that's how you react under limited stress, I can only imagine how you treat your son after years of stress.

 

You seem to have very poor anger management skills. I think you would definitely benefit from counseling.

 

I agree with others that, though it's necessary to implement some consequences for your son's poor behavior, you don't go about it in a healthy way. It would be nice to see you acknowledge that. However, as is so common on forums, the constructive criticism is ignored.

[trippi1432]

I am 52 and my son is 22. His dad died 2 mos. after he was born. After that I lost both of my parents and two older brothers in a span of 15 years. I've been thru so much loss and have no family - my son is all I have got. The last three years he has been arrested 3 times for pot. All minor misdemeanors but it's been a nightmare for me. He wrecked the used car I gave him. He's been a huge disappointment.

 

I've raised him the best way I've known how - with no other family support I have tried to teach him good morals and to set goals, how he has to work for what he wants, etc. He just got fired from his job at a liquor store down the street from where we live (it wasn't the best job but he was making more than min. wage, liked his boss, could walk to work). He tells me he and four other people got fired because someone was stealing bottles of liquor. He claims it was someone else, he knew about it but didn't say anything.

 

I've thrown him out twice then have let him back in because it's worse worrying about him on the street than in my house where at least I know he is alive. He has no car, no job, no money, but has friends who cart him everywhere. Eventually the partying, pot smoking and friends that he is mooching off of will get sick of him. I don't give him money and don't keep food in the house (I eat at work and take care of myself). He is disrespectful to me - comes in at all hours of the night even though I ask him to at least text me and let me know he is ok. He won't do that so I turn off the lights and my cell phone.

 

If the cops call and he's being hauled off to jail or dead in a car wreck, I will deal with it in the morning after I have had a good nights sleep. I have lost so much sleep in the past 3 years I have to take care of myself. Here is my problem. I am totally alone with no family, my job is stressful, my friends have their own issues with their own families/kids, I am just so lonely and stressed out. The other night I was in bed wanting to go to sleep and just never wake up. I'm not suicidal but I do have thoughts of hopelessness.

 

Who can I turn to?

 

I need some kind of support because I'm falling apart. I've never dealt with my grief over losing my husband and family - I've had a child to take care of and a job to uphold - I've always been in survival mode. Holidays are tough for me. I put up a good front of being a happy positive person but inside I am dying.

 

I never dreamed my son would grow up to be such a mess. And he could care less about me.

 

 

The problem is you never had a support system to begin with...I bet you've only been told what you haven't done "right" in other people's opinions....I've never understood how perfectionism played out in parenting, even the most perfect parent will be wrong one day, even the single ones.

 

 

I cut my son's cell phone off once, after he called me a bitch, at 14. for not buying him $400 of clothes on MY birthday (I was being selfish).....He went to live with his dad after that, they deserved to get close and have to deal with each other.....I had options that you didn't, so my heart is out to you. I had to patch holes in the wall too then.

 

 

Being a single parent isn't easy, the ones who think it is....typically have a support system, so instead of being judgmental, they should share what those successes were.

[trippi1432]

That's quite rude language, especially after such limited interaction on a forum. If that's how you react under limited stress, I can only imagine how you treat your son after years of stress.

 

You seem to have very poor anger management skills. I think you would definitely benefit from counseling.

 

I agree with others that, though it's necessary to implement some consequences for your son's poor behavior, you don't go about it in a healthy way. It would be nice to see you acknowledge that. However, as is so common on forums, the constructive criticism is ignored.

 

 

Perhaps YOU have an answer...I mean she has been doing alone now for 21 years and 9 months now........what is constructive?

[Nyc_user]

I mean there isn't anything wrong with a 22 year old living at home but the difference is he has no life goals at all. His mother has been enabling him his whole life.

 

I'm currently 22 and living at home but I'm going to university, working part time, and taking care of the house we share.

Good for you and i hope you continue this path but we are not talking about you

The person i quoted stated that since he is an adult he should live on his own. The person i quoted most likely is one of those parents that as soon a kid turns 18, she wants them out

[soret]

Good for you and i hope you continue this path but we are not talking about you

The person i quoted stated that since he is an adult he should live on his own. The person i quoted most likely is one of those parents that as soon a kid turns 18, she wants them out

 

I was merely using my own life experience as an example of what most people my age currently have to deal with. I'm not making it about myself at all.

 

In this case there needs to be a happy medium. There is no problem with supporting your child financially but when said child takes it for granted then why does that child deserve gratitude from a parent? If a parent wants their child to leave home at 18, fair enough but that parent will have to accept the fact that the child will struggle for obvious reasons. You don't know if the person that you quoted is actually a parent that believes on kicking their kid out at 18, that is simply an assumption. The person could have meant any number of things. Going off to college rings a bell for me.

 

I believe at this point that OP has to make a tough choice. She has given her Son the options but he is simply not having any of it. His choice for a better future may become apparent later in life but at that point it may be too late. Again, from my own personal experience, I waited a couple of years after high school to choose a program suitable for my interests and well being. He could possibly be in the same position. He may be interested in something but will it be something he enjoys and makes money off of in the future? I think that OP and her son should seek professional family counselling rather then an online forum.

[Nyc_user]

I was merely using my own life experience as an example of what most people my age currently have to deal with. I'm not making it about myself at all.

 

In this case there needs to be a happy medium. There is no problem with supporting your child financially but when said child takes it for granted then why does that child deserve gratitude from a parent? If a parent wants their child to leave home at 18, fair enough but that parent will have to accept the fact that the child will struggle for obvious reasons. You don't know if the person that you quoted is actually a parent that believes on kicking their kid out at 18, that is simply an assumption. The person could have meant any number of things. Going off to college rings a bell for me.

 

I believe at this point that OP has to make a tough choice. She has given her Son the options but he is simply not having any of it. His choice for a better future may become apparent later in life but at that point it may be too late. Again, from my own personal experience, I waited a couple of years after high school to choose a program suitable for my interests and well being. He could possibly be in the same position. He may be interested in something but will it be something he enjoys and makes money off of in the future? I think that OP and her son should seek professional family counselling rather then an online forum.

 

If we all came here with our life experiences then this thread will be about us and not about her and her son...

 

A loving mother would would always want the best for her kid, and that kid would always have a place on her heart no matter what he puts her through. Mothers struggle when we are young, they struggle when we get older and we would always be a kid to them regardless our age.

 

I believe the OP is one of those loving mothers and she writes this when she feels anger (though it is wrong of her to badmouth her son even though he is the way he is). You and I can't advice her what to do, we are not parents yet, we may have some life experiences but we are not in their shoes and got knows what she is going through. I just wish her the best and hopefully things improves between them since all they got is each other

[soret]

If we all came here with our life experiences then this thread will be about us and not about her and her son...

 

A loving mother would would always want the best for her kid, and that kid would always have a place on her heart no matter what he puts her through. Mothers struggle when we are young, they struggle when we get older and we would always be a kid to them regardless our age.

 

I believe the OP is one of those loving mothers and she writes this when she feels anger (though it is wrong of her to badmouth her son even though he is the way he is). You and I can't advice her what to do, we are not parents yet, we may have some life experiences but we are not in their shoes and got knows what she is going through. I just wish her the best and hopefully things improves between them since all they got is each other

 

Advice is based on life experience.

 

The boy needs tough love. If she is a loving mother she would be pushing him to better his life. He can't be treated like a child anymore because he is beyond that stage.

[still_an_Angel]

I´m appalled!!!!!

 

I cannot believe someone that calls herself a mother would act like this!

 

To leave her only son outside, in the cold, without a dollar to pay for a bus, starving, and sick!!!!! On thanksgiving day!!!!!!!

 

I´m livid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Be livid and appalled all you like, this boy/man will never learn if OP continues to coddle him. He is old enough to decide to go the druggie way, old enough to assault his mother and abuse her for many years, then he is old enough to accept the consequences.

 

He chose to place himself in a situation that he made himself sick, that was not OP's fault. There is only so much abuse a person can take, and OP has had enough. This boy/man has to help himself first before anyone can.

[preraph]

Spend the money you've been spending on him to see a certified psychologist. It's time for taking care of you. Your son is 22. I was just about like him at that age. One thing you really don't have to worry about is where he'll stay. Kids at that age always have friends to take them in and maybe one of them will encourage him to work and pay the rent. Peer pressure can work wonders. Don't worry too much about him being a pothead. If he's still one at 30, then you can worry.

 

I don't want you to do anything to completely make your son feel unloved. I don't mean keep enabling him and giving him money, but I want you to write him an email or talk to him and tell him you are having a really hard time, have been in a whirlwind ever since your family passed, and had no time to sort through anything for yourself and that now you are going to spend some money and see a psychologist and do just that. Just tell him. You don't have to be mean to him. He has no one else either, I guess, and should know you love him but that you feel you're doing him no favors by enabling him. He will know what that means. If not, he will find out. Tell him you will always love him, but it's time for him to see after himself for awhile while you do the same before you crack. There's still hope for him, but it's a path he has to find on his own.