She cheated and I left. (Updated/Ongoing)

[EgoJoe]

No need for a wall of text but it was a two year relationship. She was much younger and I wasn't that great of a BF. She turned 21, I don't drink. I played video games and slacked at my job when we moved back in together.

 

 

I was faithful, I loved her, I spotted bad text messages last sunday (not intentional spying at first).

 

 

She left for a month to see her parents and returned for two great days, followed by her going to hang out with her friends and then staying the night there. I had spotted the messages before, we spoke and she proclaimed her undying love blah blah blah.

 

 

Short version, about a week of dueling emotions for me, insecurity etc.

 

 

Broke up with her on Friday. Second thoughts today, she shows up at the apartment to grab a few things (her lease, I'm moving tomorrow) I try to talk to her. She is cold and callous, admits another guy is in her car. I confront him and he eventually admits they've been talking and seeing each other for two weeks.

 

 

So much more yet unlike my first breakup I talked about here it's much harder to let it all out and express myself now. I don't understand why. I'm left with haunting memories. I was trying to be a better boyfriend and battled with the idea of marrying her etc.

 

 

She's gone now and I have to pack up everything and move tomorrow.

[EgoJoe]

I moved. She came back to the apartment when I was packing the last of my things. She called the police, they took my side and helped me carry my stuff out.

 

 

Blocked her on my phone but voicemails get through. Her new tool called and in a completely pathetic attempt to hurt me asked for the house key that I had not had the opportunity to return due to the police.

 

 

So, I left it until this morning and sent one text saying that she can have her house key and to bring two items i had forgotten to a friend's house and he would then go get the key for her.

 

 

Nothing yet. These two items are not just things I can replace. My grandfather's ww2 memorabilia. I'm waiting for this final resolution and then i can begin to heal.

[lemonsugar]

Sounds awful. Get your stuff back wish her well and never look back. Honestly feel for the other guy she sounds not a very nice person. Just keep looking firward dont doubt your decision

[EgoJoe]

I had my friend listen to the voicemail he said the guy sounded like a total tool and was being nice.

 

 

I have not read the texts nor listened to the voicemail. It all goes to a section of my phone I have to try and see.

 

 

The pain comes in agonizing waves. I knew it could end but the way she was in the relationship never hinted at anything like this.

 

 

It's becoming easier to open up but I'm trying to remember the cold callous behavior that in witnessed and not all of the warm feelings we experienced together.

 

 

She and I had some great times and some bad times. Now our time is over before it could have been the best ever.

 

 

That is the saddest part.

Edited November 24, 2014 by EgoJoe

[lolablue17]

You should remind yourself over and over again.

 

1. Not all women cheat!

2. And from those who do cheat, many of them regret and at least apologize. She called the police because you were late packing??!! it's not a woman, it's a witch!

 

It hurts to find out who she really is. Try to figure how come you Didn't spot her earlier. It will help you in the future. I've known many women. I think always when something bad happened, there were always roots to that. It never came by surprise.

 

Good luck and don't answer her any more. take the things you forgot and just leave without giving her a thing. just ignore her and her new guy. You owe her nothing. don't bother to explain anything.

[EgoJoe]

I took the bed. We financed it together to build credit. I took it and paid it off.

 

 

She wanted to keep that as if that was going to fly.

 

 

I'll post something longer later. I think it will be more therapeutic to get off my chest.

Edited November 24, 2014 by EgoJoe

[Chi townD]

Yeah, if she willing to call the cops on you for absolutely NOTHING. Then, you need to be as far away from this crazy bitch as possible before she figures out how to lie with some believable crap.

[EgoJoe]

Haven't set up my PC yet. Got my stuff returned the house key. More to tell, tune in tomorrow.

[ScreaminEagle]

Do not under any circumstances blame yourself for her cheating. She sounds like an immature slut.

 

I would get tested for STD's, get situated in your new apartment and start the healing process. Go full no contact, I mean if she texts you, do not respond, under any circumstances.

 

You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster but for every negative that has happened, there is a positive. You dodged a huge bullet. Now you will heal, and find a woman who is worthy of what you have to offer.

[Elias33]

Tough break man. Pick yourself up, and remember that the other guy has to deal with her now. Don't get bitter, don't let it affect you more than it probably already does. A lot of good people out there, you just got rid of a bad one. Good for you. The memories will probably fade, but the lesson (if you are willing to learn) will stick. Good luck man.

[EgoJoe]

She called me five times earlier and texted me about the same in addition to leaving a voicemail.

 

 

The voicemail gets through the block so I checked my filter. Saw the texts, it was about the bed blah blah and then she asked me to be civil because she could help me greatly. I didn't respond and I deleted the voicemail without listening.

 

 

Last night I very civilly said goodbye because my mother was upset that I had called her every terrible name that existed and said tomorrow was the first day since we met that we would not speak and the beginning of never speaking again.

 

 

I'm going to set my PC up later tonight.

[Satu]

You will have some painful feelings to get through, but after a while you will start to feel better. Better even than you felt when you were together.

 

Walk into the sunshine.

[jackinthebox1]

And give the computer games a rest.

[EgoJoe]

I already was. I was stressing and loved the escape. When I say slacking at my job I meant not going the extra mile. I was still doing above average.

 

 

I guess I was becoming satisfied and used to the life I had.

[Chi townD]

She called me five times earlier and texted me about the same in addition to leaving a voicemail.

 

 

The voicemail gets through the block so I checked my filter. Saw the texts, it was about the bed blah blah and then she asked me to be civil because she could help me greatly. I didn't respond and I deleted the voicemail without listening.

 

 

Last night I very civilly said goodbye because my mother was upset that I had called her every terrible name that existed and said tomorrow was the first day since we met that we would not speak and the beginning of never speaking again.

 

 

I'm going to set my PC up later tonight.

 

 

 

 

She wants you to be civil because she could help you out greatly? How? Like, calling the cops on you for absolutely no reason? If that's her idea of "helping you out" tell her not to do you any favors.

 

 

And I know you love your mom. But, you need to tell her to butt out. You said what you said because she hurt you. You shouldn't have to apologize for that. Your mom needs to see it from your point of view. If your Dad cheated on your Mom, I'm pretty sure she would have some colorful choice names for him.

Edited November 26, 2014 by Chi townD

[EgoJoe]

Actually, my mother told me that after my father filed for divorce she was court ordered to return his clothing.

 

 

she said she washed and folded it. She said and I believed her as she is a very educated and successful woman that it is for my peace.

 

 

I was just glad that she didn't blame me for this break up like the last one. She really likes the girl that first brought me here.

 

 

I keep neglecting to setup my new place. I could not believe those texts. I think my ex is on drugs and I hope she doesn't kill herself but she's not my problem. She is a monster now.

[EgoJoe]

It's a brand new day. No six am texts this time. Both liberating and ego deflating.

 

 

Chi town, forgot to mention. I said goodbye civilly but there was no apology from me. I was tired when I replied last night. My message consisted of no niceties other than, "I'll cherish who you used to be, don't kill yourself partying."

 

 

Life goes on, work time.

[EgoJoe]

So, I caved and texted her back only to say it's impossible to be civil, leave me alone, I'll get a restraining order on you. She called me and I answered the conversation was typical cheater denial, justification and really just pathetic actually. Total liberation, she tried to tell me how he's so great, always wants to spend time with her, holds her, gaze in her eyes and doing everything for her. So much other bs and tried to tell me how he was saying my brother and I were afraid of this tool when we encountered him when he couldn't even look at me.

 

 

So, I laughed at her and told her whatever. She threatened me with police action and said I and the cops who humiliated her were being investigated. I laughed.

 

 

She started screaming uncontrollably and hung up. A few angry texts layer. I'm on the phone with the police asking if I have anything to worry about and they said, no, were not assigning this case to a detective.

 

 

So one final text that was filled with a a legalese final warning, a well wishing to her and her white knight and I feel like a million bucks.

[EgoJoe]

Today is the second first day of no contact. I am absolutely miserable today despite yesterday feeling very good about myself and where I was headed.

 

 

I have decided to focus on me and what I did wrong the relationship and in my professional career instead of her. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Though the denial of cheating despite being caught, the denial of sex despite it being obvious, the sheer hatred, the police, the rewriting history when she said, "This relationship has been over for a long time so it's not cheating." and so much more. This was night and day from 11/16/14 when I first caught what would end up as this situation.

 

 

I wanted to believe that in our fighting (which was bad, I have no doubts about this) that she had made a mistake. I also WAS making the efforts already to be a better and more attentive boyfriend but she was in fact picking these fights on purpose at this point.

 

 

I think of the spite that she would have to have to go to the police station and file a report. Yes, I took the bed. I had a right to, there is no way in hell I was going to tie a proportionate amount of my allowed debt on an item that she was using with another guy. I did dump out the pills on 11/24/14 but I was going to clean them up. The floor wasn't dirty. I was going to clean the house but instead she called the cops hoping that I would go to jail.

 

 

She is filled with hate and loathing for me yet continued to try and exert control here and there. You took this and you took that. I had to pack in a hurry once the cops were there. I had moved the big stuff and was going back for the little things. I still have stuff there but I have decided to let that stuff go. She wanted to have the scummy new dude who is such a piece of garbage for trying to apologize to me too and cover for her bring the work paperwork over.

 

 

I think I'm going to get the restraining order on her just to be safe. She mentioned that she drove past my brother's and while I was there temporarily accused me of staying there and probably wanting to serve me with paperwork or more. It is just a little too crazy. None of it makes sense from my perspective.

 

 

I keep thinking to myself, "I left. Be happy and just deal with the consequences. You blame me for everything yet you're mad about the way I left? You obviously plotted this. You continue to rewrite the facts and threaten me with falsehoods, why? Is it because you thought you could stick your toe in the pond and sample and then decide, is it because you are secretly so ashamed but unable to admit it? I don't care just stop!"

 

 

The police are literally telling me they are not taking any of this seriously and not to worry. Do not provide her with my new address and continue staying away.

 

 

I am very sad about how things ended because I did want us to make it and thought she had the potential but her almost deal breakers have exploded into character flaws and even in the face of being caught, exposed, left etc. she still tries to deny it.

 

 

I was really happy yesterday and felt good about where I was headed. I still feel this too. I'm starting the third job this coming Thursday and will not have another day off until Christmas after that. I am going to focus harder on my digital stores and grind to where I want to be at in my career so I can finally be stable enough to go back to school in the way that I desire to.

 

 

Yet, I weep for the genuine tragedy of it all. I am not to blame for her cheating but I am to blame for many things in the relationship. I think a full schedule of therapy, gym, multiple jobs etc. is in store for me and that I need to get myself together completely before my thirties or I will not be ready for a fulfilling relationship. Though I've often wondered if that is what I've ever wanted.

 

 

Please, anybody with some experience on cheaters and denial etc. share your thoughts, discoveries etc. I can not obsess over it though I am curious as to how people have seen these things play out, how your healing process went and if you ever got an apology.

 

 

My sister keeps trying to talk to me about this and that etc. I tell her I want and need to focus on me. I can not consider her actions it is bad for me.

 

 

I also can not even stomach playing video games as she always begged for my attention and I did not give it as freely as I could.

[EgoJoe]

Day two of no contact. As I pay bills and perform bureaucratic clean up more lies are exposed, stupid lies even.

 

It is hard to make sense of, I'm in no hurry to perform an armchair diagnosis but it would be easier to demonize. I have no desire to do so.

 

I'm paying the things I said I would within reason and resisting urges to lash out while hindsight continues to expose awful things to me. I took my control back when I dumped her before she was done sucking me dry. Her rage, threats etc. are her defense mechanisms and not my problem anymore.

 

I have so many regrets and I was changing before all this so I will continue all of it one hundred percent for me.

[LifeNomad]

Forget about her bro, show ger ur better and make her regret it. Dont wait for ur new years resolution, start now...whatever u wanted man...workout more..eat better...get fit...but do not beg her, she will wonder about u on her own and when and if she decides to come back u might not want her.

 

Dont dwell on it,,,,it just happens. U cant control it...people change and feelings change,,,its life..when u play the game of love, its a fine balance to a game that can never be won, only fall behind or be ahead.

 

Be strong!

[EgoJoe]

The title of this thread should be, "She cheated and I left." I had literally just had my suspicions proven right a few hours before I posted.

 

 

I'm strict NC. I don't want a cheater back. Betrayal hurts a lot.

[No Limit]

She sounds like a real nutjob. What a price.

 

It might take a little for NC to show its healing effect, but it'll be come. And later, a good girlfriend too.

[EgoJoe]

Day three no contact.

 

 

Thoughts come unbidden about suspicions I had that I can now piece together.

 

 

I'm doing better at work and things are going my way here and there. I haven't quite started grinding super hard yet though. The ease of moving the cancellation of fees here and there when I explain my sudden reason for moving.

 

 

I haven't cried for a few days and I don't experience the incredible rage. I have done some research into the mindset of someone who does this. It's like a psychotic break.

 

 

I think tonight I'll write about the entire relationship.

 

 

Thank you for those who keep posting. Please keep going.

[EgoJoe]

Rush of emotion right now. I'm doing all the right things. Feel terrible. I just want to be over this now. Not even thinking about it!