cam72 Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 I am 32, he is 34, I have been dating him a few months. He talks about marraige and how he loves me, he buys me flowers all the time for no reason. He has a good job he's been at for 10 years and treats me wonderfully. Last night he said he wouldn't smoke if his friend offered it to me. I met his friend who is a huge pothead and he asked me if I would be upset being around her. I told him I will be irritated if he smokes, but probably wouldn't break it off or anything. Ironically I am not much of a drinker and got drunk last night. Something unlike him, I can't be arrested for unless I get behind the wheel. He said I meant to much to him and he would pass on it But then he went and smoked up like a teenager at a frat party when it was offered 30 minutes later. I was sort of hoping he'd make his own wise choices and am greatly dissapointed. He's never lived with me, I see him 3 times a week.......so maybe he gets high often. He hangs out with this friend every week who admitted she smokes every day. Ironically she's some rich sucess in a huge house hitting her one of many bongs. Am I right to think he is hiding a regular habit? He admitted he smoked it once or twice a year. Am I right to think of breaking it all off over this. Mr Perfect just put a huge hole in his image I had. He hangs out with this women every week! I know he will tell me he didn't realize it would upset me so much and that he will stop. But how can I ever believe him after he acted like the drugs were more important than me? Any pot smokers who want to justify his actions or people in similar situations care to respond? I am not sure if I want to have a serious talk with him or just say good bye forever.
Hund1976 Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Well if you've only been with him a couple months and you are greatly opposed to pot smoking then you should break up with him. My personal view is that people can smoke weed recreationally just as some people drink recreationally. I equate taking a few hits a few times a month the same as going out and drinking a few times a month. So there are plently of people in the world who can smoke pot and have a job and be a contributing member of society. But that is just my opinion, if you think its a bad thing that you don't want in your life then you probably shouldn't be with him.
Butterfly28 Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Speaking from personal experience, I used to be a heavy pot smoker. I still smoke it, but not as often maybe once or twice a week as opposed to every day. The only problem is - I smoke it *secretly*. Without my bf knowing. He DESPISES IT. Absolutely hates it. That eats me up inside. Marijuana is an addiction. Just like cigarettes or any other drug. Problem is, now, when I do it, I don't smoke as much, but still feel guilty for taking a drag or two. I am working on improving myself because I love my bf. I have thought it over and over, sometimes I slip and get stoned, but then when I think of the repercussions it worries me. I take pride in recognizing that my "sneaking" is very wrong, but I have made the conscious effort to stop it. I originally thought, "He'll never find out" or "Why should it bother him if I don't do it around him?"- but I know one day he will. Some things ALWAYS come out in the wash. Foolish me, I thought I wasn't hurting anyone. I am. I am not only hurting me, but my bf for not telling him. If your bf loves you and wants to be with you, he will look at this situation and say, "Do I *REALLY* ****HAVE*** to smoke it?" if he says YES to that, then you need to really think if you want to be with him. If he says, NO and makes a concentrated effort not to smoke it, then give the guy some credit, and work together on getting him off of it. Best of Luck & thank you for your post. It made me realize I am being deceitful to my bf thinking that its something only MINOR, when it really isn't.
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Get out while you still can. I'm a pothead and it's hard to date nonsmokers.
Hund1976 Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 I guess the worst part isn't him doing it, its the lying about it. If you are truly opposed to the pot smoking you should leave him. When someone is really into something (pot, cigarettes, drinking, porn) and they have done it for a long time its pretty hard for them to stop. Especially if they don't really want to and are only doing it to make you happy. Find yourself a non-smoker. It'll be a lot easier that way, plus you don't have too much invested in this relationship yet.
Author cam72 Posted March 18, 2005 Author Posted March 18, 2005 We spoke for over an hour about it. I can deal with a guy doing it once or twice a year for a bachelor party or whatever. I can't handle it when it's a lifestyle or they need it to function. He told me I was giving him ultimatums or I'd leave him. I told him if it isn't what he wants and I want it, we both feel strongly then we shouldn't be together....it's not that either person is wrong. That it has created doubt for me that he is Mr. Right for me. I told him this is why I do not rush in and I am not married or living with him (which he wanted). He had the nerve to say he just for once wanted me to not try and change him and do what he wanted. I told him that is like me saying I want to sleep with other men and I will just pretend I am committed because I love the sex I get off on. Not that I want to do that but obviously it would upset him and I honor my word and avoid things that hurt someone I care about. And if I can't then I am not with the right person. I told him I felt different about us and he basically tried to make me feel badly saying he doesn't, admitting resentment. I cannot control what I feel inside so told him I will not feel guilty. Your right, the bad part is the promise broken right in front of me. I asked him how I can even trust him and he said unless we live together that isn't something I can see and know. He said it is not a big deal to make it a rare occassion like it has been before but I am skeptical. Just not sure what happens next but soon I'll know. We see each other tomorrow......
Gemini02 Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 Marijuana is an addiction. Anything can be an addiction, and marijuana can be a MENTAL addiction, but it isn't a physical addiction. You don't physically get addicted to it like you do to herion or cocaine. I totally know what you're going through. I have the same issues with my boyfriend- I despise marijuana and my boyfriend used to smoke it quite regularly before I met him. He has slowly tapered off though. We would have arguments, I would give him the ultimatums and he would say it's not fair that I ask that of him. And I knew that if I went through with them that I would lose him. So what we did was come up with a compromise that worked for both of us. As he's grown up he's realized that he's got to mature about it and he can't be walking around high for the rest of his life if he wants me and kids and a future. He smokes it once and awhile at concerts, birthdays etc. He doesn't smoke it around me and doesn't keep the paraphenila around for me to stumble apon. The truth of the matter is that you can't CHANGE someone, they have to want to CHANGE. And if you really can't handle or come to a compromise then I would get out. As for telling if he's lying about how much or how often he's smoking, look on the internet for signs of someone smoking pot: unmotivated, red eyes, smelling of it (there's lots more: my dad works in a detox centre) My personal view is that people can smoke weed recreationally just as some people drink recreationally. I equate taking a few hits a few times a month the same as going out and drinking a few times a month. So there are plently of people in the world who can smoke pot and have a job and be a contributing member of society. Agreed. My boyfriend isn't a horrible person- infact he's one of the best guys I know!
pseud Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 Do what you want. What does it matter how others feel about your situation? If you are not happy with his behavior, either talk to him or leave. You need to do what you think is right. If learning what others would do in your situation is going to help, I can tell you that the only form of addiction I might consider dealing with is one involving nicotine.
blind_otter Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 Originally posted by cam72 We spoke for over an hour about it. I can deal with a guy doing it once or twice a year for a bachelor party or whatever. I can't handle it when it's a lifestyle or they need it to function. He told me I was giving him ultimatums or I'd leave him. I told him if it isn't what he wants and I want it, we both feel strongly then we shouldn't be together....it's not that either person is wrong. That it has created doubt for me that he is Mr. Right for me. I told him this is why I do not rush in and I am not married or living with him (which he wanted). He had the nerve to say he just for once wanted me to not try and change him and do what he wanted. I told him that is like me saying I want to sleep with other men and I will just pretend I am committed because I love the sex I get off on. Not that I want to do that but obviously it would upset him and I honor my word and avoid things that hurt someone I care about. And if I can't then I am not with the right person. I learned a while ago that you can't be with someone to change them....you have to be with someone who is close to the kind of person you would like to be with already....to ask someone to change a big lifestyle pattern for you is unrealistic, even if it's unhealthy. I mean, I meet a guy, he's cool, I find out (a) he has a girlfriend (b) he does coke every day © any weird thing I disagree with personally.....I choose not to be with them. I don't hope that they someday stop!!! I wish you good luck.
Groovy Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 I think you made the right choice, I couldn't date a pot head if it's a lifestyle. Recreational use I could handle though. And when your dating people have to feel out what matters to them and what doesn't.
dreaming4ever Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Believe me...you DON'T want to end up dating a habitual pot-smoker. I've only had 2 long term relationships in my life...I'm still currently in my 2nd one and they've both been with guys that smoke pot every day many times during the day. No I didn't plan it like this and they weren't like this in the beginning....they hid it from me....and then once I got comfy in the relationship with them they did it every day constantly with me around even though I DESPISE the stuff. Now I'm pretty sure it's going to be one of the main reasons I break up with my current bf who I've been with for 1 and a half years....(and who I thought I was going to marry)....b/c he said he's NEVER quitting, not for anyone. I get so angry at people who say that smoking pot isn't an escape cuz you know what? That's EXACTLY what it is!! My bf says it's a lifestyle that he chooses....I honestly wish the stuff didn't exist on earth anymore....trust me, get out while you still can without hurting too deeply if you find out your bf smokes pot quite regularly. The next guy I date....well, let's just say if I go on my first date with him and I find out he does it.....I'll be out the door in 2 seconds. 1
Butterfly28 Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Get out while you still can. I'm a pothead and it's hard to date nonsmokers. You are right Blind_Otter, it is hard dating a non pot-smoker, however what about sacrifices? I have tamed down TREMENDOUSLY since I've been with him and it does feel great. Its when I'm with certain friends and when they roll one, I'm tempted to have a drag. I find now too, that I've cut down, that when I *do* smoke, it doesn't take me nearly as much to get stoned. I used to do coke and extacy too. I no longer do it. Just because I want a better life than that. I have made the concious effort to cut down majorly and eventually stop smoking pot. I know I can do it. It's just also a matter of wanting it BAD ENOUGH.
Hund1976 Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 If the person wants to quit or slowdown their use because they think its the best thing for them then it might work. But if he really likes the pot he might wind up resenting you and start sneaking it when you're not around and then your relationship is in trouble!
Author cam72 Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 That's the screwed up part. He said he would quit because he would hate to lose me. I asked him if he will resent it and he said yes, but he knew he'd miss it less than he would miss me. I told him I just don't want that resentment ruining our relationship because I am not asking him to change. I am only telling what I need from someone I committ to. I still think either he is lying or he will quit and end up hating me. I suggested breaking up due our difference in this issue but he was very against that. I just wanted to avoid all the maybes regarding how much he uses, when, if he uses at all again, etc. But I guess not wanting to avoid all that enough to disallow him making a promise and trying to believe it.
Hund1976 Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 If you are really against pot smoking and he is really into it you should probably go your separate ways. Otherwise you're both going to be fighting losing battles. I've done stuff for girls I didn't want to do because I really liked them and then when she would do something wrong it was hard for me not to get resentful and think "I gave up ___ for her and now she's pulling this crap!"
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