nikki76 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Ive posted so many times on here, that either Ive gone NC and didnt last very long or that I want to go NC but am too scared. So much in my life is falling apart and I STILL am too weak. My oldest daughter (8yrs old) was diagnosed with bipolar the other day. My youngest (4yrs old) was diagnosed with a less serious behavior called Selective Mutism and anxiety. My therapist wants to start couples therapy but wont, until I end A. My whole life and parenting is going to have to change now to help deal with my daughters issues. In reality, I will have absolutely no time at all for this nonsense. But in my fd up mind, I keep thinking, I need AP as an outlet from this. In talking with another member on here, I realize how pointless my A is. The last time we were intimate was June! No regular communication. Just purely Facebook texts at his convience. Sometime could go days without texting. Always mentions we should get together but never happens. I am pathetic. I see how bad and stupid amd hurtful this is, to say the LEAST! I see whats its doing to my family. And this is nothing compared to what will happen if I get caught. I know, its not even worth it, For stupid texts. Im not even getting ANY sex out of this. But I just cant make that move. I wish someone would just take my phone... block everything and move on. I know I'm a big girl amd need to do this myself. Sorry for the long winded post. If youve even gotten this far. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Sorry about your daughters. Hope they get the help they need. Get a separate therapist for MC. Block your AP on FB since that's the only form of communication. No sex since June? That was almost 6 months ago. Come on now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Sorry about your daughters. Hope they get the help they need. thank you Get a separate therapist for MC. Block your AP on FB since that's the only form of communication. No sex since June? That was almost 6 months ago. Come on now. I know, ridiculous. The only other physical contact ive had was end of Sept he was doing work in my house and we kissed.....again.....convience for him. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Maybe, since you won't end the contact, it is going to take it all coming to light before you realize the damage you have done to your family. In your mind, the affair isn't wrong enough or something...and the only thing that will wake you up is discovery. And once that happens, you could lose everything....all over texts from another dude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Ive posted so many times on here, that either Ive gone NC and didnt last very long or that I want to go NC but am too scared. So much in my life is falling apart and I STILL am too weak. My oldest daughter (8yrs old) was diagnosed with bipolar the other day. My youngest (4yrs old) was diagnosed with a less serious behavior called Selective Mutism and anxiety. My therapist wants to start couples therapy but wont, until I end A. My whole life and parenting is going to have to change now to help deal with my daughters issues. In reality, I will have absolutely no time at all for this nonsense. But in my fd up mind, I keep thinking, I need AP as an outlet from this. In talking with another member on here, I realize how pointless my A is. The last time we were intimate was June! No regular communication. Just purely Facebook texts at his convience. Sometime could go days without texting. Always mentions we should get together but never happens. I am pathetic. I see how bad and stupid amd hurtful this is, to say the LEAST! I see whats its doing to my family. And this is nothing compared to what will happen if I get caught. I know, its not even worth it, For stupid texts. Im not even getting ANY sex out of this. But I just cant make that move. I wish someone would just take my phone... block everything and move on. I know I'm a big girl amd need to do this myself. Sorry for the long winded post. If youve even gotten this far. Yet you risk your family for this? Are you bipolar? Why are you turning to your A/P when you should be turning to your husband who has the same concerns regarding your children, your affair partner will never ever come close to having his commitment. I guess you are set on destroying whatever it is that is left of your family before you commit yourself. Not the path I would take but it's a path. You are choosing not to end the affair, you are choosing to only be part time in ether relationship, you will fail in one of them and my hope is you don't loose both in the process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 My oldest daughter (8yrs old) was diagnosed with bipolar the other day. My youngest (4yrs old) was diagnosed with a less serious behavior called Selective Mutism and anxiety For God's sake woman, stop messing around and thinking of yourself and start saving your daughter' lives - a four year old with anxiety issues and an 8 year old with bipolar!! That is NOT normal and you need to ask yourself what are YOU doing here. Your kids are now mentally ill!!! Your indecision re your AP and the delay in therapy may mean they are damaged for life. Get your brain into gear, your kids are what is important here, not the AP. BLOCK him and get a grip. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Pushing Forward Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I don't think you're pathetic, but I do agree that you need to think of your children and end the A. I know it's not easy, being in one myself. I wish I had words of wisdom, but you need to be strong and move on and help your children and do what's best for them AND you! This A isn't healthy for anyone. I haven't been able to end mine either. I'd like to think I would given these circumstances but I know it's easier said than done. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I am going to stand out and raise my hand.. and say yes, you are pathetic that you can't end your A. Why not? Do it for your kids? You would do anything for your kids right? Think of them and the example you want to be for them. Your family needs you right now. If you're giving yourself to this other man, you're not paying attention to your family like you are supposed to. You needing an AP as an outlet is NOT a answer. It's an excuse to keep hurting yourself and your family. You're an adult woman with responsibilities. Come on. You can do this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 You do need an outlet. That much is clear. How about a healthy one? One that nourishes you, recharges your batteries, and helps your kids and your family? Caregiver burnout is real. Sometimes people need an escape to breathe. It's ok to need this. You give better care when you are healthy and recharged. Is not ok to choose an outlet so damaging. So mentally focus on that. Do you like to get out and see female friends with wine and girl chat? Get a sitter from time to time and go. Would some shopping, even window shopping somewhere with a coffee afterwards fill you up? A new hobby like scrapbooking or something truly mind and body nourishing like yoga could provide something more, something just YOU. Working out feels good and makes you look good... And most gyms have kids rooms so you can work out while they play. Then.... Oh boy, new clothes for a new body! Pay attention to what will fill your soul, and do that. With only sporadic communication anyway, the unhealthy dynamic with MM will melt away. You don't want the relationship with MM as much as you wanted the fantasy of him. So build a fantasy even better than the one you created. Your own, healthy life. Bolstered up by good side interests, happy children, and a fulfilling path. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Ive posted so many times on here, that either Ive gone NC and didnt last very long or that I want to go NC but am too scared. So much in my life is falling apart and I STILL am too weak. My oldest daughter (8yrs old) was diagnosed with bipolar the other day. My youngest (4yrs old) was diagnosed with a less serious behavior called Selective Mutism and anxiety. My therapist wants to start couples therapy but wont, until I end A. My whole life and parenting is going to have to change now to help deal with my daughters issues. In reality, I will have absolutely no time at all for this nonsense. But in my fd up mind, I keep thinking, I need AP as an outlet from this. In talking with another member on here, I realize how pointless my A is. The last time we were intimate was June! No regular communication. Just purely Facebook texts at his convience. Sometime could go days without texting. Always mentions we should get together but never happens. I am pathetic. I see how bad and stupid amd hurtful this is, to say the LEAST! I see whats its doing to my family. And this is nothing compared to what will happen if I get caught. I know, its not even worth it, For stupid texts. Im not even getting ANY sex out of this. But I just cant make that move. I wish someone would just take my phone... block everything and move on. I know I'm a big girl amd need to do this myself. Sorry for the long winded post. If youve even gotten this far. Why don't you just own up to the fact that you "can't" stop this affair because you don't WANT to and stop with the "Oh woe is me, look at me I'm pathetic" ruse and admit that you KNOW what you are doing to your family but simply do not care? Once you admit the truth about what you are doing and why, maybe then you can get some traction. Oh, and if it's any consolation, I'm addicted to my phone, too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 I FINALLY sent the NC letter to my longer AP. It was hard to do, but looking back at what i've posted on here, and seeing how hurtful this pointless so called affair is to everyone in my life, I've finally decided, its time to do it. Deal with the pain and grieving, and move on to repairing the damage that it has brought to my family. I was pretty mean in it. Our A started when we were doing remodeling in our house and he helped. We still have some stuff he needs to finish. I told him, when my husband asks him to complete the work, tell my H that he's too busy. I don't want him in or around my house. (I wasnt planning on writing that, but it sure felt good when I did) I wanted to say thank you for those that gave me tough love, and those that supported me and made me realize the bad, that I couldnt see. Now, begins the roller coaster ride of emotions that come with the grieving process. But like my therapist said, I need to feel these emotions and deal with them, to be able to heal. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I FINALLY sent the NC letter to my longer AP. It was hard to do, but looking back at what i've posted on here, and seeing how hurtful this pointless so called affair is to everyone in my life, I've finally decided, its time to do it. Deal with the pain and grieving, and move on to repairing the damage that it has brought to my family. I was pretty mean in it. Our A started when we were doing remodeling in our house and he helped. We still have some stuff he needs to finish. I told him, when my husband asks him to complete the work, tell my H that he's too busy. I don't want him in or around my house. (I wasnt planning on writing that, but it sure felt good when I did) I wanted to say thank you for those that gave me tough love, and those that supported me and made me realize the bad, that I couldnt see. Now, begins the roller coaster ride of emotions that come with the grieving process. But like my therapist said, I need to feel these emotions and deal with them, to be able to heal. I knew you could take this step, now keep moving forward. I have a lot of hope for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 I knew you could take this step, now keep moving forward. I have a lot of hope for you. Thank you! Probably because reality hasnt hit yet, but I actually feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Thank you! Probably because reality hasnt hit yet, but I actually feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now, I very much believe that all affairs should be confessed, as I do your. However, I think you would be wise to take some steps before you consider that. I know you don't plan on telling, but guilt shame and true remorse have a way of being all consuming. Get a job, this will do two things 1) build self-confidence 2) takes away the idle time that you've used for these affairs. Another is continue your therapy, if your being honest here, and you've never done this kind of thing before there could have been some kind of break down. I see hope here, I think you understand what's at stake and truly want to right the ship. At some point, I think the urge to be honest with your husband will grow stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 26, 2014 Author Share Posted November 26, 2014 Now, I very much believe that all affairs should be confessed, as I do your. However, I think you would be wise to take some steps before you consider that. I know you don't plan on telling, but guilt shame and true remorse have a way of being all consuming. Get a job, this will do two things 1) build self-confidence 2) takes away the idle time that you've used for these affairs. Another is continue your therapy, if your being honest here, and you've never done this kind of thing before there could have been some kind of break down. I see hope here, I think you understand what's at stake and truly want to right the ship. At some point, I think the urge to be honest with your husband will grow stronger. Thats one of the things we've been talking about in therapy, is for me to get a job to build my self confidence. I wasnt able to do this before because my H works about 70 hours a week and any kind of job I would get now, would barely pay for child care. However, H schedule is changing and I will be able to either go back to school or work in the near future. We will start marriage counseling in January. I'm looking forward to this and really start working on my marriage and my family. Today was a great day without AP in my life. I'm surprised how little I thought of him. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Thank you! Probably because reality hasnt hit yet, but I actually feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Thats one of the things we've been talking about in therapy, is for me to get a job to build my self confidence. I wasnt able to do this before because my H works about 70 hours a week and any kind of job I would get now, would barely pay for child care. However, H schedule is changing and I will be able to either go back to school or work in the near future. We will start marriage counseling in January. I'm looking forward to this and really start working on my marriage and my family. Today was a great day without AP in my life. I'm surprised how little I thought of him. That's good. I don't think its over by a long shot. I think there will be days that you think about him a lot. I don't think you should beat yourself up if you do, instead employ some tactics that will redirect your thoughts and energy. I think school would be great, it would build even more self confidence then a job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Thats one of the things we've been talking about in therapy, is for me to get a job to build my self confidence. I wasnt able to do this before because my H works about 70 hours a week and any kind of job I would get now, would barely pay for child care. However, H schedule is changing and I will be able to either go back to school or work in the near future. We will start marriage counseling in January. I'm looking forward to this and really start working on my marriage and my family. Today was a great day without AP in my life. I'm surprised how little I thought of him. Hang in there. It's like a rollercoaster ride. Just don't get weak. If you commit to NC, stick to it. Don't call or text him, no matter the urge. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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