NC "Gray Area" & my story

[hic_maneo]

My relationship ended in late summer. We we’re dating for close to three years, but the last 6-7 months were rocky, and in the end we agreed we had enough and it was time to end it. While the summary makes it sound fairly mutual, I cannot help but feel that a lot of the tension in the relationship came from me, so I have cast myself in the roll of the dumpee. This is reinforced by the fact that we were living together at the time and I was the one that had to relocate.

 

As far as breakups go I feel mine was relatively drama-free, although the month-long period after we agreed to break-up and I moved out was very difficult. He would stay out late at night after work, or sometimes I would come home to find him leaving on a date. Everyone copes with the end of a relationship differently, but I took this almost wanton disregard very personally. My shock and frustration and general feeling of disempowerment made me very agitated until eventually we had a big fight and I packed a bag and left. I came back the next week and moved all my things out.

 

A few weeks later I made a classic mistake and asked to meet for dinner. He agreed. We talked about work & mutual friends, but the pain was still too raw and the dinner dissolved into tears on both parts. I asked silly, self-demeaning questions (why was I not good enough?) that he couldn’t possibly answer to anyone’s satisfaction. I did not, though, ask to get him back. I remember in particular one question he asked me (“Did we do the right thing?”), as well as my reply, which was to quote a song: “Holding us in place is simply fear of what’s already changed.” At the end of the evening I asked where we go from here, and he said we should give ourselves some time and space to sort it out. And that’s where we left it.

 

NC has been hard. He broke it after one week, but I broke my own in replying. But after that there has been nothing. I have used this time apart to focus on myself, to really address those sources of tension in the relationship I feel I have the power to correct: my depression & issues with self-esteem, my perfectionism, my overarching cynicism and critical outlook. I have been seeing a therapist to help in my grieving process and with my self-improvement goals, and the sessions have been really helpful.

 

In my opinion NC cannot be as short as 30 days. Whoever tells you that is fooling you and rushing something that cannot be rushed. It’s a high-pressure sales tactic, aimed at selling a product, a false hope. But I do find it is helpful to set a goal, and then move the goal post. Staring down the gauntlet of forever is intimidating; telling yourself you will contact him in 30 days, and then once 30 days is up saying to yourself “No, I’m not ready, wait 30 more days” feels sort of empowering. You begin to dictate your own terms and to take back some control. It’s not that you’re waiting for him, but instead periodically checking in with yourself and your emotions, deciding when/if it is right for you. His birthday is in a few weeks, with the holidays a few weeks after that, but the more I think of contacting him on these days the more I see them as just excuses, and so the goalpost moves again. It has been 8 weeks so far and counting.

 

But here is my question: in a situation where neither party is the clear dumper/dumpee, how do you say who should contact who? I originally cast myself as the dumpee (read: victim) because of my own issues with self-esteem, but I’m starting to question if this role is an appropriate one for me to play. On one hand I see my behaviors that contributed to the downfall of our relationship and want him to see my progress, so a part of me says I should break NC. On the other hand, hearing of my progress isn’t going to convince him of anything, and it is not my responsibility to convince him of anything either; he has to want to see me again before anything I tell/show him will be worth my own emotional energy, so he should break NC. When the decision is mutual, who should break NC is an emotional gray area that traditional NC discussions tend to overlook. Any thoughts/words of encouragement would be welcome. Thanks!

[idoltree]

It sounds like your situation is indeed a bit unique from what is mostly posted here. A mutual breakup, doubt on both sides, but a mature agreement to stay out of touch and work on yourselves.

 

To answer your questions, there are no answers. I think instead of worrying what the "rules" are, you should do what is right for you. If you are using this time to get back in touch with yourself, then that picture should be getting clearer.

 

So, what I would do is just carry on as you are. The fact that you're here looking for direction means that you're still a little lost, so I can say with certainty that you're not ready to do anything.

 

You want to heal to the point where things don't seem so scary and high-risk. You want to be comfortable in your own skin, living as a single person. You want to see future avenues other than your ex. And if you still want to reach out then, that's when you know you're ready. You have to be strong enough to not fall apart if you hear he's with someone else.

 

And he may be the one to reach out in the meantime, and you'll have to decide whether to respond to him, knowing that he's never going to be clear about his intentions when/if he reaches out.

 

As for reaching out for holidays, again, your case is different than most, so you do what is right for you. Will it hurt you to reach out? Then don't do it. Will it hurt you more not to reach out? Then do it. But note that you are only thinking about how it will impact you, not him. It doesn't sound like he took you for granted, so I don't necessarily think it's important that you don't contact him. But, again, only you will know what is right for you.

[hic_maneo]

Thank you for your encouragement. More so than direction, I am looking for assurances that I am on the right path here, and it feels like I am. If you had asked me a month or so ago I was definitely lost. The forums here have been more helpful than other sites that only want to sell you a fantasy or a quick fix. I will continue to check in with myself as goal posts come and go, and will evaluate when the time comes if I want to reach out or not. Thanks again.