Pushing Forward Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I just found out my OM was married many years ago before his M that he's about to be out of now. He's been married 29 years now but was married for 6 months a few years before that. Obviously the marriage doesn't bother me nor affect me, but he never told me about it in the 9 years we've known each other. I know there were plenty of opportunities to disclose this and I've been married before and he knows about it. When I found out he tried to say the person was a family friend not an ex wife and then came clean after I pushed. Then he said it was his story to tell and he didn't want his business out there and didn't think it was anything he needed to share. To me it just shows an even deeper level of deceit than I knew he was capable of. I don't care that he was married, but I do care that he lied about it for 9 years. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Well, think about how he's living his life. We are never the exception to any rule. He's living a lie with his wife, why would he live his life with you any different? So, to answer your question.....yes, the deception would bother me. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pushing Forward Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 thank you..he is split from her (for two years now) and divorce hearing is next month, but yes, I see what you're saying. He told me even his (grown) children didn't know until a few years ago when his mother slipped up and mentioned it. I guess he figured if they didn't know I didn't need to either. It's just weird and makes me realize even more he's not who I thought he was. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 My xMM was married for a short time before his current marriage. He told me about it and about what happened. I think it would bother me if he had never told me about it. Almost no one knows about his first marriage so it seemed telling me meant he trusted me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Not sure why he should hide that, was there some sort of scandal around it or something, that it needed to be kept hidden? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Given the amount of time that you have been together, I think this is something that he could have disclosed years ago. Like you, MM being married prior to the current W wouldn't have bothered me, his past already happened way before I entered the picture. But this info is a part of his life, it would make me wonder what else has he got in his closet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I just found out my OM was married many years ago before his M that he's about to be out of now. He's been married 29 years now but was married for 6 months a few years before that. Obviously the marriage doesn't bother me nor affect me, but he never told me about it in the 9 years we've known each other. I know there were plenty of opportunities to disclose this and I've been married before and he knows about it. When I found out he tried to say the person was a family friend not an ex wife and then came clean after I pushed. Then he said it was his story to tell and he didn't want his business out there and didn't think it was anything he needed to share. To me it just shows an even deeper level of deceit than I knew he was capable of. I don't care that he was married, but I do care that he lied about it for 9 years. Not sure how this is deceitful? His past is his past, he was married for 6 months to a 'family friend', maybe he married cousin without knowing they were related. Who knows. But, he has his reasons as to why he kept it quiet from his current ex, his kids and you. Maybe he is ashamed. He didn't just hide from you, seems he hid it from his first wife and kids. Red flag? Probably. Does this change things between you two? Is he divorcing his wife to be with you or did he chose to divorce regardless if you were there or not? You're not obligated to stay with him for life if you feel he isn't the one for you. Just saying if you need to end it, do so and don't feel guilty. He's a big boy. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 IDK. It's not like you found out he spent 10 years in jail for murdering someone, or that he is a recovering heroin addict. How does a 6-mo marriage 30 years ago have any effect on you? I'm sure there are plenty of things I did 20-30 years ago that I would rather just not talk about to anyone anymore. That was the past, I was a different person then, and quite honestly, I don't necessarily want people knowing all the mistakes I made when I was young and stupid. Is that deceitful? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 IDK. It's not like you found out he spent 10 years in jail for murdering someone, or that he is a recovering heroin addict. How does a 6-mo marriage 30 years ago have any effect on you? I'm sure there are plenty of things I did 20-30 years ago that I would rather just not talk about to anyone anymore. That was the past, I was a different person then, and quite honestly, I don't necessarily want people knowing all the mistakes I made when I was young and stupid. Is that deceitful? NO, but after 9 years you would think it may have come up in conversation somewhere and this sounds a bit deceitful really, no? When I found out he tried to say the person was a family friend not an ex wife and then came clean after I pushed. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I wouldn't read too much into it. It was obviously a mistake; they were only married 6 months. Unless you're looking for a reason to break it off with him, I'd just let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Just because you are in a relationship with someone, to me, does not give you license to dig into their entire life. I have things in my life I don't talk about and I expect my partners to have the same. If it didn't affect you, and this didn't, and he wanted it kept private...I would keep my nose out of it. How did you find out about it anyway? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I'd assume it was so insignificant that he'd put it behind him completely! Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I wouldn't read too much into the fact that he never told you. However, the fact that he lied about it when you brought it up to him would be a red flag IMO. Why lie if it was just a mistake, or it didn't mean anything? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Don't sweat over it...it's something long gone that happened when he most probably was a different person, immature, etc. Just like the previous comments mentioned, it doesn't really matter, the whole thing may have a 'deeper' story behind it, something bad, something embarrassing and he may not have wanted to look bad in your eyes since the story has ended so long ago. It doesn't make him suspicious or a liar, imo....It is strange, but it isn't that strange to make it bad. Addictions, debt or jail time would have mattered more than this. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Just thought of something. Kinda puzzling. You have been having an affair with a MM for 9 years and are only now just questioning whether or not he is deceitful, over his keeping silent about something he did more than 30 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
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