Does it sound like he's still thinking about me?

[aliya34]

Hm, here goes... I hope I make sense. In a nutshell "Former best-friend guy who used to crush on me very hardcore & obsess over me but thought I was mad at him so pulled away and now has a girlfriend and is in a relationship, I told him much later that I did in fact have feelings for him and had gotten over being mad, I dumped my current boyfriend for him, he asked if I had gone far with the guy and I said no, but still he procrastinated a LOT with telling me this but eventually he said he cannot leave his girlfriend and loves us both, but said he wants to eventually marry girlfriend, now is possibly trying to guilt trip me - because when I pulled away from him, he got very sad and obsessed over me and now maybe he wants me to feel the same way. We had a really great intimate friendship that now he's telling me was just based on hatred and gossip over one of his ex-girlfriends (which is NOT true and I think he knows it, and was just trying to pass off our relationship as not being genuine and good, to not make it as difficult/hard on me, or on both of us perhaps?).

 

Yes very immature and maybe he's not ready for me, but if someone once obsessed over you (put buddy alerts on you, asked all your friends about you, talked to his friends all the time about you but did not contact you directly because was afraid you were mad at him over another issue I'm not going to get into), but is now having a girlfriend, is it possible for that person to eventually persuade themselves they really don't need or care about that former girl anymore? I sometimes really wonder if he ever thinks about me.

[HoldOn]

Have you read that book "He's just not that into you"?

 

When a guy wants to be with you he'll do anything to get you. Including call you.

[aliya34]

Nope I have not read that book.

 

This guy is really lazy though. He expects things to come to him, he's been given things all his life. His dad got his job for him, his past girlfriends have always made the first move on him, etc (we used to share mutual friends so I know this). He's pretty superstitious and believes things will come to him if it's "meant to be." Since he'd have to go out of his way to get in touch with me, he doesn't do it.

 

And when he was obsessing over me, putting the alerts and whatnot, and asking my friends compulsively about how I was doing, he never once contacted me. He kept an online journal for a while and all he talked about was me. He would drive past my house and park there and just sit and regret over how he made me mad (another story). He deleted me off his phone book so he wouldn't accidentally call me up in the middle of the night and start apologizing profusely to me (basically he started going out with this girl when we were 'friends' and had been in a semi-not-formal-relationship with me, and I got mad for him keeping it a secret from me b/c he didn't want to 'hurt me')

 

I never knew about how he was obsessing over me til one night at a party he was really drunk and grabbed me and started telling me all his obsessive activities involving me and how I was so beautiful and he never meant to hurt me and etcetera. Something else happened after that, I got mad at him again (it was something silly but I can be pretty prideful), and we stopped talking...

 

THEN I admitted I had feelings for him, he started asking me all these serious questions that would IMPLY he wanted to dump his girlfriend for me, and then he talked to his family who has a HUGE influence on his decisions in life (maybe he's not ready to handle on his own?) and I think they might have discouraged him from pursuing me probably because we're not from the same culture. AND his current girlfriend is from the same culture. And then he says "There will always be a connection between you and me, who knows in a couple of years we might meet again..." He is trying to make this all dramatic and I just want to get down to business. I don't know if he just is being LAZY as usual and letting things "go with the flow" because that's the easy path for the time being, and especially since I told him I could love no one else he thinks I'll stick around long enough or something... I'm not sure anymore. I haven't contacted him in a long time and neither has he.

 

But now, reflecting on all his past activities (hiding true feelings for me, I did same thing to him, etc), I am wondering if he is still thinking about me and just not letting me know, like he did earlier. Hm. What do you think?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by HoldOn

Have you read that book "He's just not that into you"?

 

When a guy wants to be with you he'll do anything to get you. Including call you.

 

That is generally true, unless the guy either 1. thinks the girl is playing games, or 2. doesn't think that the girl has any idea what she wants, and feels like giving her space to figure out whatever she needs to figure out is the best thing to do.

 

In this case though, it's hard to say. He has said he has feelings for you, but obviously also has feelings for the other girl. At this point, I think you should try to move on with your life, perhaps keep in touch if that is what you both want, but recognize that nothing good is going to happen with him in the immediate future, as long as the other girl is in the picture. In the mean time, you definately should date other men.

 

To answer your direct question, yes, I can almost guarantee he still thinks about you. But that does not change anything about the way things are. This is especially true if as you suspect, his family is running his dating life, and does not approve of his having a relationship with you due to the cultural differences. He needs to do a little growing up it sounds like - but DON'T WAIT for that.

[HoldOn]

I don't know what he thinking. But he has a girlfriend, so I think you should try to move on.

 

You sure have a lot of excuses for this guy. Did he ask out his current gf?

 

Firstly, I think that he does have the ability to call if he wanted to. I really think you should get the book, it is awesome and funny. "He's just not that into you" It's by Greg Behrendt. You can find it on amazon.

 

Second, in the event that he does not have the balls to call you, why would you want to be with a guy who can't make his own decisions. Even if his family and gf are "controlling" him, that makes him seem very weak and undesireable anyway.

 

Well, the sooner you get over waiting on him, the sooner you'll find a real man.

[aliya34]

Hey I really appreciate your responses. You are making me see things I didn't really realize.

 

I do have a lot of excuses for him but for good reason I hope (!). I've seen the mature guy come out in him a lot, and I thought it well out and decided it would take a while for the mature guy to come out for good. Yes I suppose it'll take some time.. But we were super close for a year and talked almost every night. At least enough to make him obsess over me, and vice versa.

 

As far as dating other men goes, I'm a little wary. I started dating one guy and realized all I could do was compare him to the original guy (who I'm talking about in this post). I admitted this to the original guy, and original guy asked me How far I'd gone with him. When I told him I couldn't even bear to hold his hand, original guy said "Good" and squeezed my hand. This was before he spoke to his family and told his girlfriends about what happened (me admitting my feelings for him).

 

I think even though he's going out with this other girl, he still somewhat wants control over me? Like, keeping me around? And he said to date other guys but it might just be a test, I think. Because he's awful jealous. When we were discussing our plans for the future, like jobs and stuff, he started wistfully talking about if we were to ever have daughters he'd have to stay home all the time and guard them, and told me "Don't be a professor, all your students will hit on you" when I told him I was considering being a professor. He advised me to be a women's doctor because I'm into medicine (he wants me to be away from all guys it sounded), and then kept bringing up how various guys were always asking him about me at parties since they knew he used to be good friends with me. Do you think he's just insecure & confused, and staying with his current girlfriend because she gives him security for now that he much needs?

 

I think you're right about the immaturity part. I should probably just wait it out, maybe wait for him to make the move next. I feel like if I try to keep in touch and initiate it, he'll think he's 'safe & secure' and has me 'locked in' . Meanwhile should I prove to him that I'm faithful and not see other guys? We usually go to the same parties so he sort of has a way to 'keep an eye on me.'

[HoldOn]

Meanwhile should I prove to him that I'm faithful and not see other guys?

 

Um, I am really confused here. Doesn't he have a girlfriend who is not you? He has guilted you into not seeing other men? That's a bit insane.

 

I admitted this to the original guy, and original guy asked me How far I'd gone with him. When I told him I couldn't even bear to hold his hand,

 

Still confused... Why are you talking to this man at all. Why are you telling him about your dates?

 

There's a concept on another board called "Duty dating." It's when you go out on a date, even if you are not interested in him or dating, it will help you realize that you are desireable person who deserves a real man. Which will help you find the person you are interested in.

[aliya34]

Yes I agree it is pretty insane. But his culture is like that I think, the guys go out and do whatever and the girls are expected to be pure and not drink (his girlfriend drinks by the way and he told me he likes that I don't drink). Anyhow I think I've accepted that.

 

Still confused... Why are you talking to this man at all. Why are you telling him about your dates?

 

He asked me "So tell me about this other guy" after I told him I broke up with him b/c I realized I loved him and not this other guy.

 

Part of him I've seen as being really conservative and the other part just wanting to have fun. Maybe he's just trying to balance that right now? And it's just a tough time for him? He did say that I threw all of this (my feelings etc) on him at a crazy time and that it was a lot to think about. It's also his last year in college so he's out partying every night. He'll be graduating and his girlfriend staying behind to finish college (me too). Do you think that might be why he said "Who knows in a couple years we might meet again?" and "Call me if you need anything, the connection is always there, life is a circle.."?

 

Plus he sees his girlfriend a lot b/c they are the same major so I'm hoping that he won't get too emotionally attached to her and he's just sort of continuing to go out with her b/c they have the same major and he sees her around a lot and it would be awkward and not "easy and comfortable" (which he prefers) to break up with her....

[HoldOn]

Oh man, he has control of your mind and your body. It's like you are brainwashed or something.

 

Let me get this straight...

-He gets to do whatever he wants.

-He has a girlfriend.

-You do NOT get to do what you want.

-You can't date other men.

-He told you he eventually wants to marry his girlfriend.

-He obsessively stalked you when you weren't going out.

-His family gets to decide who he dates.

 

Girl, you need help. Seriously rethink your feelings for this man.

[aliya34]

Yeah he is sort of a control freak but I guess we all have our little quirks.

 

He did actually encourage me to date other guys but then would say "I know you won't listen to me"and then 'I'm not saying have sex with them or anything" and plus everything he said earlier makes me just go "huh??" with talking about children and being jealous and whatnot.

 

HoldOn, maybe it's a good thing you don't understand why he's doing this (and me too!) because it means you are sane I was hoping maybe I could get a little insight from someone down his wavelength or who could pick up on it b/c I sure don't!

[HoldOn]

You can't understand insane people, but you can get away from them.

[aliya34]

True but we are both insane in our own weird ways.

I still feel that connection between us...

 

What do you think, should I IM him and tell him that I know I was asking him to make a really big sacrifice that night, and that not most people would be able to just give up their girlfriend for another girl in their past. And that I just want to know if he really meant it when he said to see other guys?

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by aliya34

True but we are both insane in our own weird ways.

I still feel that connection between us...

 

What do you think, should I IM him and tell him that I know I was asking him to make a really big sacrifice that night, and that not most people would be able to just give up their girlfriend for another girl in their past. And that I just want to know if he really meant it when he said to see other guys?

 

No, do not ask his permission to see other guys. Then he will KNOW he basically has you locked in as a backup plan (and will give him the false idea that all you do is sit around pining after him - which is not a good mental image to leave him with either), and people never want what they know they can always have, if what they already have is decent (and he has already told you he loves the other girl too).

 

And you SHOULD date other guys - and even sleep with them if you find someone special and want to. Loneliness sucks, and this guy may never come around. He is not waiting for you, and you should make your moving on as real for you as his is for him. Unless he is willing to step up and tell you he loves you, and that he wants to make it work, then you should just live your life as if you will never see him again - then if you do, it will be a nice surprise - but you might find some happiness in the mean time.

 

It might even do him some good to see you with other guys (and NOT know what, if anything, is going on between you and those other guys - and do not regularly report back to him on those relationships). It might let him know that you have a life too, and that you are moving on, just like he is (unsaid: and that if he wants to make something good happen with you, he better do it). Now I am absolutely NOT saying you should use those other guys you may date just to make him jealous, and put artificial limits on those relationships - see where those relationships can go - but do it for yourself, not for him. If he wakes up, and realizes what he has lost, and you still want him at that point (and if you meet someone else really cool, you might not), then that is just a nice bonus, and so much the better - but don't count him ever coming around, because he really may not.

[aliya34]

WithOrWOYou, thank you for your sincere and insightful post. You are right; I should live my life as if I will never see him again, and if he comes around, it will be a nice surprise. Because "waiting" would really tear me up in the process, and right now he has a girlfriend and is obviously not willing to make the sacrifice for me, so why should I for him? I already did for two years, waiting for him and only giving *one* guy a chance whom I then dumped. It may seem romantically nice to him for me to wait around, but it already hurts to be without him, so why should I pain myself even more by not even attempting to make my life better by giving other guys a chance? Ok.... thanks once again....

[sarah12]

Wow, you sound like me. I can completely relate to how he is being with you.

 

But WoWOY is right in that you have to force yourself to move on. I went through a similar situation, still going through it to a certain extent, but it took a LONG time to get over those hopeful feelings, but in the end, it's been worth it. I love not having that kind of drama going on inside myself, driving myself crazy with obsessive thoughts about when he would break up with his gf for me, and holding onto every word he says or someone else told me about him. Other people will think you are crazy, but it's because you know, and he knows that there is something so special between you that it's almost like when you are with him, nothing else matters. Some may call it infatuation, but it really is a connection that you'll rarely experience with anyone else because it is on all levels of physical, mental, emotional, and intellectual.

 

However, what you must do now it TRUST the feelings you have between the two of you, and take it and run with it. Everyone is right in that there isn't much you can do while he has a girlfriend, and he would respect you a lot more if you did just give him the space that he needs to figure things out. Graduating year isn't easy as there is so much change going on, that it's a scary place and he wants to hold onto what's secure and will be there for him through the transition process. Keep in touch with him, stay friends if possible, but you have to emotionally remove yourself, in a way where you don't let your friendship venture too far emotionally, or else it could be trouble.

 

I've done this and I feel like a feather in the air compared to just half a year ago where my heart and my head were pining over this man, I killed every emotion inside of me for this guy, and I am not usually an emotional person. He was the first and only guy to ever make me feel anything..

[aliya34]

Wait, so you did you try to keep in touch with this guy and is he still with his girlfriend?

 

I'm trying the "no contact" thing, because I tried contacting him before and saying I still wanted to be friends and since then he's made no initiative to talk to me, so I am pulling away. I mean, like I said, he's sort of the lazy type, and waits for other people to do stuff and take initiative to "show" they really wanna be with him, but I don't want to seem desperate.

 

At the same time, I don't want to give him the impression I don't care anymore, and I'm not really following through with what I said "I can't bear to not be with you, I could love no one else" if I'm pulling away. Should I make it more clear that I'm giving him space? And that I *do* actually care and am forcefully keeping back for him to figure things out? Otherwise he might just think "Oh she doesn't really care, my girlfriend right now is the one who's with me, might as well just stay with her, it-was-meant-to-be kind of deal"

 

Because when I admitted my feelings to him, he *did* say "You should have told me how you felt earlier, I had no way of knowing, I thought you just saw me as a friend"

 

So maybe I'm not communicating well? I have the ability to still keep in touch with him and be persistence, and right now I'm suppressing it but I don't want him to take it the wrong way and think I've just given up. I don't know, with these types of guys (that expect girls to make the 1st moves, etc) is it best for me to keep trying to keep in touch? Or should I really wait for him to say something? He did pretty much end our last conversation in a moralizing/slightly patronizing way, so maybe even though now he wants to get back to me he doesn't want to go back on his word of saying that he could see himself marrying his current girlfriend, that I should move on, etc. What do you think? Once again... much thanks to anyone who takes the time to share input .. I appreciate it!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I know what you are going through. You love him. You know you would be great together. You think he has love for you too. He has said things to lead you on, and make you believe that at some point (when he is not busy playing with the current GF) that there could be something more between you - but guess what? You know better, and you're just having a really hard time admitting that to yourself.

 

Like I said, I've been there. Most of us have, in the sense that we have professed our undying love for another person, even had a chance to be with that person some, get to know them really well, find out how well we could work with that other person, etc., only to have that other person basically say something that means "Well, um, ok, and I love you too, but right now I'm with XXXXX, and while I do love you, I'm with XXXXX now, and if at some point it doesn't happen with him/her, I'll give you a call".

 

This is a very cruel thing for someone to say to a person who loves them (instead of "sorry, goodbye"), because it leaves open the door just enough to not let you move on, but yet it provides NOTHING in the way of closeness, togetherness, love, happiness, sex, or any of the other things that go with a normal, happy, male/female relationship. This is because a part of that other person is being truthful about wanting to be with you, or the prospect or possibility of that, but there is something (whether it is obligation, truly enjoying her company, or in my person's case, abuse) that keeps them from leaving the other relationship. All that we who are looking in from the outside are left with, is emptiness, loneliness, all kinds of bad thoughts about what is going on between the person we love and their current SO, and a complete inability to find someone else with whom to enjoy good times who [shocker] might actually want US!

 

The more you go back to him and "clarify" what it is that you are doing and your feelings for him (AKA begging, subconsciously assuring him that nothing is going to happen while you are waiting for him and that you will always be there - and that WILL be what you are saying by calling him and saying loving things, even if you don't actually say that), the more desperate you will make yourself look, and desperation is not attractive.

 

You made clear how you felt. You told him how things were. You went out of your way to give him every possible chance to be with you, and HE chose the new GF over you. I know it sucks, I know it hurts, but it's the truth.

 

Trust me, I KNOW how badly you want to call or email that special person who you beleive is screwing up so badly by not giving it a chance to work between the two of you (I know this, because I have had those same urges myself, and in the past, even given into them - totally different situation, exact same urges). Nothing good is likely to come from it if you do. The more he knows you are still there, the more he will just know that he can stay in the status quo with the new GF, and keep you as the backup plan. Do you really want to be his backup plan if he decides that his current relationship is not doing it for him anymore, or do you want him to realize (or not realize) that it is really YOU who he wants, because of who you are, and that it is worth taking a chance on? There is a big difference between those two outcomes. The only shot you have at the better one, is for you to do nothing at this point. I'm not saying that anything good will happen if you do nothing, but if you want there to be any chance he will come back having any respect for your whatsoever, you need to move on - and do it in a very real way!

 

I also know what you may be thinking. "I tried the no contact thing. It's been X whole days. It hasn't worked. He hasn't called. I'm screwing up here. He may just not understand how I really feel. Maybe I didn't say something quite right. How can he be doing this? It makes no sense. He must know we would be great together, after all, neither of us have ever had a closer friend. Plus there are those things he said to me, acting like he was going to leave. He was so close to leaving her, I could feel it. Maybe if I just let him know I'm still here, and that he can call me anytime he wants, and that we could still be good together. Maybe if I told him how I feel one more time, better than I did last time..." WRONG!

 

How do I know this? I did that same thought pattern (replace he with she and him with her), and all it did was make me feel like a putz afterwards, and like a real idiot for saying all of those things without getting back action to match (in my case, I DID get back a simlar reply, more than once, but she didn't do anything about it - in your situation, I can imagine something similar happening, albeit for very different reasons). He will tell you just enough to keep you on the string, without giving you anything that could be confused for real love or affection or a desire to be with you no matter what.

 

The point is, he is going to do what they are going to do. If he loves you, he'll come for you. It will grind away at him that YOU are going out with, pursuing relationships, even sleeping with other men BESIDES him. If that does not grind him up, the way that him being with her grinds YOU up, then I hate to be the one to say it, but you don't need to be with him anyway. It has to be mutual, and if he can just write it off to you found someone else, oops, oh well, then he obviously does not care about being with you as much as you care about being with him, so why bother?

 

One universal truth: If they want us badly enough, the way they should, they will give us a call. Trust me on that.

 

So don't make the call. Find someone to go out with who actually wants to go out with YOU because of who you are (and you seem really cool, btw.), and don't look back. He won't be there. But he knows how to find you, and if he wants to, he will. It's up to fate at this point, and once you have done everything possible (as you already have), if you keep messing with it, you will just be banging your head against a brick wall. The bruises on my forehead from doing that are starting to heal. I hope this keeps you from having to go through the same experience.

[aliya34]

Oh my goodness, WithOrWOYou, you are a mind-reader. What you have said is so thoughtful, true, and easy on the ears and heart That's very hard to accomplish with replying to posts like mine I believe! Thanks once again for your support; after reading your words I feel more at ease. You would make an absolutely wonderful counselor!

 

It will grind away at him that YOU are going out with, pursuing relationships, even sleeping with other men BESIDES him. If that does not grind him up, the way that him being with her grinds YOU up, then I hate to be the one to say it, but you don't need to be with him anyway. It has to be mutual, and if he can just write it off to you found someone else, oops, oh well, then he obviously does not care about being with you as much as you care about being with him, so why bother?

 

Wow. This definitely hit home (even though your entire post was very insightful), and I think I am now realizing that (thanks to you and the other posters!) Once again thanks for the kind and totally insightful words. It's hard to find people as nice and considerate as you nowadays!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, thanks for the compliment. I do try to give decent advice where I can, even if sometimes it may hurt a little. I've also always believed that nice people should stick together. It makes the world a better place.

[SuperFantastico]

Why dont you just leave this guy alone. He's moved on or is trying to. Leave it be and find yourself a new guy. Take his words at face value. Perhaps you feel jelouse because you dont have his attention anymore, but whatever the case, let him be happy with his girlfriend.

 

What right do you have anyways. You are the one who broke it off with him?

[aliya34]

Hi SuperFantastico

 

You make a good point, and thanks. I really do want him to just be happy with his girlfriend, at this point.

 

But the thing is, this guy still is trying to have me in control while going out with his girlfriend. I hear from his roommates that he has buddy alerts on me (whenever I sign on, he has it set up so that he finds out) although he never messages me, he still asks my friends about me, and he recently has started coming to parties my next door (apartment) neighbor throws, even though he barely knows the guy (the guy is my best friend's boyfriend, and even admitted he doesn't really know or care for him).

 

Plus, he also did say all that stuff with "you can see other guys but don't like have sex with them or anything" and "don't be a professor, all your students will hit on you" and asked me if I'd move to a foreign country with him, etc., in addition to constantly telling me I am beautiful. And this is when I first approached him a month or so ago (he still had his girlfriend) and told him my feelings for him.

[SuperFantastico]

So he still has a thing for you. But whatever you guys had together didnt work.

If you try to avoid him as much as possible, he will eventually be able to move on.

 

Sorry it just bugs when situations like that happen. He likes her she dosnt like him.

He gets a girlfriend she likes him. We always want what we cant have.

 

My only point is, you are not the one who was head over heels. I've been there, and i know how much it completely sucks to like a girl that dosnt like you. And even if he broke up with his girlfriend to be with you, you'd probably just think he wasnt ready and he'd be back in the same situation again.

 

Im sure he's trying to make you jelouse too. He probably wants you to feel like he did.

So he can get some kinda resolution on the matter.

 

Anyways, my 2centz

[aliya34]

Hey thanks again for replying!

 

Yeah you are right, we do always want what we can't have.. I didn't want this guy though because he was previously dating another girl (long story short, we were in that weird transition stage of friends/g/f-b/f a couple years ago and then he started dating another girl w/o telling me, I got pissed and stopped talking to him even though I still liked him... then that girl cheated on him and he immediately started going out w/ his current girlfriend, and got wrapped up with her... so basically I've liked him all along, with or without the girls).

 

Yeah I definitely think he's doing this to make me jealous and feel the same way, but then do you really think he's going to get some resolution on the matter? Like knowing I'm going through the same thing will clear his mind for good?

 

And if I do leave him (not attempt to keep in touch), true he may move on and get over me like you said. And that's my main deal, whether to let that happen or show more effort on my part. Because it's hard, I really want him to be happy (most likely meaning to just leave him be) but at the same time I sense that he still feels for me, and then to just let that go without trying anymore really is apathetic and I could regret that later on. So it's like two separate things pulling on me in different directions.

 

I feel like I'm at that weird point where I don't even know that 'no contact' might actually be a bad thing in this case, re-considering his personality and this situation which is a bit different from other 'no-contact' scenarios...

[jen03]

If it's really tearing you up, contact him. Ask him for a ride home, or something where you guys can chat and reconnect. Sounds like he might be on the borderline with his feelings for you. Plus you haven't seen him in a while... this might spark the flame again. And if he says no, then you'll know for sure he's not interested anymore. Well, maybe not for sure if he's confused with his feelings, but still. It's worth a try.

[aliya34]

Hi Jen,

 

But wouldn't I then be breaking the no contact means no contact thing?