You'll either cheat or be cheated on?

[OldMaidJuliet]

I'm not insanely jealous, but some jealousy is natural when we're in love, infatuated, etc. Higher oxytocin levels, for example, coincide with jealousy. There is evidence that we're somewhat programmed to be monogamous, & evidence that we're somewhat programmed to be polyamorous or polygamous. I feel like we're stuck at some evolutionary crossroads, or are just an evolutionary clusterf**k. Thus, no one is going to be happy in relationships as a result. Part of me wishes folks could be happy being monogamous. It would have some great benefits, & as someone who can feel jealous & insecure, & who sometimes wants monogamy, the idea of this possibility is very pleasing. Yet, sometimes, I wish we could all be happy being poly because that also sounds wonderful. Yet, it seems no one is happy either way.

 

Monogamy seems like a pipe dream- when it happens one or both people are usually unhappy. One or both want to be with someone else, anyway which is upsetting for the other partner, & the lack of being with the other person upsets the partner who wants to "cheat". Plus, monogamy blocks our path to attached people that we want. Plus, we end up cheated on, or dumped anyway, & don't avoid the pain, yet in our quest to be monogamous on our end, we sacrifice opportunities, time, etc.

 

I honestly doubt that I know anyone who hasn't cheated on someone, helped someone else cheat on someone, or been cheated on. I think we're fooling ourselves with this whole monogamy game. Maybe we should just keep it open & keep it honest.

[Keke1]

No, there are still some people who are honorable. Can't give up hope on that.

[OldMaidJuliet]

Keke, I want you to be right. However, I wonder how likely it is for both people in the relationship to remain honorable & happy- particularly long term. Even if people stay monogamous & happy for awhile, the couple often breaks up later after passing up & losing out on many opportunities. I wonder, do other people have the experience of feeling like everyone they know or meet has cheated, been cheated on, or helped someone cheat? Here, the word cheat includes, but is not limited to adultery. I'm surprised by the number of people that I know who fall into these categories. I truly think it might be everyone. Also, those who cheat or help someone cheat include folks you would NOT expect.

Edited November 24, 2014 by OldMaidJuliet

[PegNosePete]

Well the thing about being the top of the evolutionary ladder on this planet... The thing about having a brain relatively bigger than any other species of animal... The thing about having created all the wondrous things that we have created... the thing about humans knowing the difference between right and wrong, having a moral code and the ability to make decisions based on logic...

 

The thing is, we have a CHOICE... to override our "natural evolutionary" instincts. Some people choose to let their minds rule their primal urge to reproduce, in order to pursue a monogamous relationship, because in the long run they know that will make them happier.

 

And some people choose to shag anything that moves.

 

You can't blame instincts or how you're wired or any of that stuff. You are not a puppet to your instincts, like the proverbial scorpion crossing a river on the fox's back. You have a CHOICE.

[Justanaverageguy]

I agree with what Pete said but I don't think it is as easy or black and white as he says. I think monogamy for your entire life is a bit of a pipe dream and really not for everyone. It is completely unnatural thing for most humans. An artificial construct created by the church. Why was it created - my personal opinion is it was to control female sexuality so that husbands could be assured the children they raised were their own. Its the same reason female virginity was held sacred. So men knew the child was really there's. Its packaged up and sold to people as something women want .... commitment, marriage etc but in truth its an institution created by Men in older times as a way they could be assured their wives would be faithful and their children were really their own. Is it still valid in today's society .... I think for some people yes but not for all.

 

My personal opinion is that the emotion of "love" that humans feel is only that - a feeling - an emotion. Like all human feelings it serves a purpose. Just like we feel hunger to force us to eat and we feel tired to force us to sleep - we feel Romantic love between man and woman for a specific purpose. That purpose is pretty simple and obvious. To bring a man and a woman together to have sex, make children and then keep them together long enough to raise and protect the children they have to the age they can fend for themselves. That's the purpose romantic love serves in human biology.

 

You see the same thing with many other animals who have young that need protection when they are first born. The sexual pair bond formed between these animals often only lasts as long as is required to raise the young then the animals go their separate ways. They may be monogamous for a period .... but very rarely for their entire lifetime. I don't believe there is a single animal in the primate species which is monogomous .... so why would humans be ?? The feeling of "love" between two partners naturally lasts only long enough to raise children. It is why you see so many marriages breaking down between years 4-7 which is about when a child becomes somewhat self sufficient. The 4 year itch seems to now be the replacement for the old termed 7 year itch. Either way divorce stats show this in black and white between those years is when the majority of marriages break down.

 

Today I think the issue is we marry "forever" expecting that's natural or normal for humans. In truth "love" rarely lasts that long. It isn't actually meant to. I'm not saying it can't but it does not do so naturally and without a lot of commitment and wiliness to fight for it by both parties. The end result is what we see today. Cheating and adultery on a wide scale .... or married couples who have grown to almost dislike each other or are unhappy together but can't leave their relationship as they married for life.

 

I think most people go into marriage completely naive under the impression love lasting forever is normal which it really isn't. I also think marriage for life makes people take their partner for granted.

[Diezel]

It's not that monogamy is impossible, it's that the world has changed in such a manner that lasting monogamy is improbable, or at least, a lot more difficult than it used to be 100 years ago.

 

With the way technology has thrust other options in our face with the mere click of a button or a swipe to the right, temptation is way more prevalent now than it used to be.

 

Unhappy? Get a divorce. Start over.

No sex? Log in on Tinder and swipe those days away.

Want to get away from them? Just pick up and move.

 

None of this was either around or terribly current just a few decades ago. Divorce was seen as pariah-worthy. Now it's hard not to find someone in their 30's or 40's who hasn't been divorced.

 

The game has changed, for better or for worse.

[Friskyone4u]

Diezel just made good points about how technology has made temptation so much more accessible.

However, how many poly people or swingers do you really know that are happy long term. I know none. They have the same problems monogamous people have, broken boundaries , changing relationship dynamics, and falling in love with other people. The " open"'things sounds simple but if you know anyone into it, a much higher rate is relationship implosion is the fact not the exception.

[PegNosePete]

Whether there is more temptation or not, it's still a CHOICE you make to succumb to that temptation or not.

[Justanaverageguy]

Diezel just made good points about how technology has made temptation so much more accessible.

However, how many poly people or swingers do you really know that are happy long term. I know none. They have the same problems monogamous people have, broken boundaries , changing relationship dynamics, and falling in love with other people. The " open"'things sounds simple but if you know anyone into it, a much higher rate is relationship implosion is the fact not the exception.

 

But you are still looking at it in terms of staying with one person for life ... but then also seeing other people on the side to have multiple sexual partners. Why does a romantic relationship have to be for life ? Who made that rule ? Why is that "right" ?

 

What about people who spend 10 years in a relationship. The love/romance whatever dies out and they make a decision to break up and end the relationship the correct way. They then move on and find a new partner they are happy with for another period of time. I know dozens of people in that boat - in fact nearly everyone I know falls into that boat except for some of the older generation I know. Not many humans are good at the poly thing where they have multiple simultaneous partners - but then divorce stats show we aren't good at monogamy for life either. I would say the vast majority now fall into the above category of having multiple exclusive relationships at different periods of their life time. Serial monogamy I believe its termed.

[jbrent890]

You have to take into account the age people are when they get married then divorced. The divorce rate for people who marry under the age of 25 is 50%. That number drops in half if you get married to over the age of 25, especially if you have a college degree. If you get married over the age of 30, the divorce rate is nearly non-existent. In terms of infedility, I feel that people make it so much worse than it is. Only 25% of marriages experience infedility with less than 6% of spouses cheating in a given year. Again with this, you have to take age in consideration again. The age range in which infedility is highest is late twenties to early thirties and drops with each subsequent age group. All in all, if you want a better chance of having a long lasting infedility free marriage, then get married closer or over the age of thirty. Your more emotionally mature at that age and you should have a ton of experiences by that point in time.

[elaine567]

I don't believe there is a single animal in the primate species which is monogomous .... so why would humans be ??

 

Other species can be monogamous and pair for life. An estimated 90 percent of all bird species are in fact monogamous. But for mammals it is only 3%.

 

However bonded for life doesn't mean they dont cheat too.

"Many passerine birds (aka perching birds), for example, tend to live in bonded pairs, but researchers found extra pair offspring, or chicks born from a tryst, in 86 percent of those species."

 

The owl monkey is a monogamous monkey "In their 18 years studying the monkeys in northern Argentina, Fernandez-Duque and his collaborators had never seen any of the monkeys sneaking away from their partners for some action on the side" - genetics of the offspring proved they don't cheat either. These monkeys are the most monogamous primates on earth - The Week

 

I personally believe the human species are born cheaters, and the life we have constructed for ourselves is not natural. This constructed life ticks many boxes, in that we have a safe nest to raise children, but for our big brain, it tends to get a bit boring.

Reproduction of the species is about the passing down of great genes for the future, and has little to do with marriage contracts and title deeds.

WE have nests with a safe man/woman who will nurture children, but also by cheating we have the potential to have offspring with other perhaps more "interesting" partners genetically.

Edited November 24, 2014 by elaine567
grammar

[Diezel]

Whether there is more temptation or not, it's still a CHOICE you make to succumb to that temptation or not.

 

I completely understand and agree with this.

 

But let's look at temptation for a second. Do you think the person who walks into a room and has just 1 option versus a person who walks into a room and has 100, has it just as hard?

 

Availability skews the choice towards temptation even more readily so. Temptation just used to be your immediate neighborhood, social circles, etc, etc, etc... temptation has extended throughout and everything is local now.

 

The choice is always going to be harder when so many more options are out there.

[PegNosePete]

Do you think the person who walks into a room and has just 1 option versus a person who walks into a room and has 100, has it just as hard?

I'm not really sure what you're getting at here. If I walk into a room with 100 people who want to have sex with me, only 1 of which is my wife... then you think I'll be more tempted to cheat than if I walk into a room with only 1 person? Sorry if I'm not understanding here but I don't get the metaphor.

 

The choice is always going to be harder when so many more options are out there.

No I do not believe that for a second. More choices does not mean you're going to cheat on your partner. If you're a decent human being then you will not be unfaithful. No matter how many other people or how many methods of communication, there are only 2 options - to cheat or not to cheat.