I've been emotionally cheating on my boyfriend for a month. I am an awful girlfriend

[Chemist]

i suppose it's weird since it all started so innocently, asking to go out for food with friends, and he is so much younger than me (23)

 

if he does like me that way, how can i shut him down without losing him as a friend?

 

Don't be selfish. You don't have the right.

 

You have the relationship in mind that you want, and he has the one he wants. He doesn't have to accept your terms just because you don't accept his.

 

Plus, I need space to get over someone. Otherwise, I just end up pining after them and hurting longer.

 

Do you want this guy to keep pursuing you? That is what will happen if you're still friends most likely. You need to be honest and worry about your boyfriends feelings and not whether or not this other guy will be in your life.

 

When Harry Met Sally.

[aliveagain]

Poppy1 your are openly dating so I agree with the heading of your post, "I am an awful girlfriend." Your relationship is doomed because instead of building your relationship with your boyfriend you spread your time around with different men, time you are stealing from your boyfriend. Obviously the blind trust your boyfriend has given you is being wasted and you are showing him who you really are, poor girlfriend/wife material. Time to quit acting so innocent, you know exactly what your doing because you are making the poor decisions to do it.

 

You may be the most beautiful woman on the outside but your actions are showing an inner ugliness that most men will eventually run from. Decide what you want, a committed relationship or a dating single lifestyle than be honest with everyone because your selfish behaviour won't end well.

[Chi townD]

i suppose it's weird since it all started so innocently, asking to go out for food with friends, and he is so much younger than me (23)

 

if he does like me that way, how can i shut him down without losing him as a friend?

 

 

You need to lose him as a friend. Here's what I speculate is happening here. You state that you two are completely on two different plains. That your stations in life are different but "He's sweet". Therefore, I conclude this theory.

 

 

You are liking the "sweet" things he's been saying to you or doing for you that made you classify him in the "sweet" category. Hence, you're getting your physical needs met by your boyfriend and your emotional needs met by this other guy. You may not realize it, but you're using this other dude to fill in the gaps for a more complete relationship that you believe that you're current boyfriend isn't filling.

 

 

But, how is this fair to this other guy? You're stopping this other dude to seek out a more meaningful relationship with another girl that is closer to his own age and is his social and economical equal. Whatever you're doing or whatever (leading him on) is filling him up with false hope. Therefore, you need to cut this guy loose and focus on getting your boyfriend to fill those missing gaps. The BIGGEST thing you and your boyfriend are missing from this is communication. You're not talking about the important things. You're not coming to a happy median. You need to meet somewhere in the middle. You need more commitment from him, schedule date nights with your boyfriend. Make a plan, you two are in a new country. Take a weekend away and explore it together. I have a feeling you two haven't even really experienced that together.

[smackie9]

In terms of looks, I know I am pretty/beautiful. I assume this since I have had many people compliment me on my looks and saying I'm very pretty etc.

I am trying my best to believe that this other guy wants to be only friends with me. It would be weird for me to think that he is hanging out with me because he wants to have sex with me!!

 

 

But this is the way it is with most guys. Yes he does want to have sex with you.

[smackie9]

Tip: guys don't make effort to be friends with a girl just to be friends...they want sex, period. Guys will do or say anything to get sex. Nice, doormat types are too chicken to make a move so they do the friends thing in hopes you will fall for them. They think by meeting your emotional needs you will see how great they would be as your BF. So don't be blind to their motives.

[Omei]

Tip: guys don't make effort to be friends with a girl just to be friends...they want sex, period. Guys will do or say anything to get sex. Nice, doormat types are too chicken to make a move so they do the friends thing in hopes you will fall for them. They think by meeting your emotional needs you will see how great they would be as your BF. So don't be blind to their motives.

 

well I wouldnt say thats necessarily true I have a male friend of (two years) and another of (one year) who both make effort for hangout plans and have both agreed sex between us would be mega weird.

 

But OP dont take what I just said into any consideration because you already ruined your chance at a honest friendship with this guy by keeping him a secret

[smackie9]

Then that would mean you are not hot. OP is hot and any guy would make an excuse to be friends.

[Omei]

Then that would mean you are not hot. OP is hot and any guy would make an excuse to be friends.

 

 

I am really quite beautiful actually and get told often enough to believe it

 

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10277414_10152096596336471_4380585295243878151_n.jpg?oh=e2cc4161a090a428a0f0b25bfe3ec191&oe=55183A04&__gda__=1427543377_af09fed359bffc9e802e95e5fe9ee5d7

 

You may not think so but many men do everyone has their preference....

 

But girls and guys can be friends without any sexual involvement no matter the level of looks.

 

All you need like any relationship is communication and understanding and I know my male friends took some interest slightly in the start but we quickly learned we're no matches for each other and our friendships have been solid.

 

And there is zero sexual aura and they do make efforts to contact me for times out with the buds or just a few video games alone whatever it is.

 

Anyway we're getting off topic and I wont try to convince you more we all think differently.

Edited November 26, 2014 by Omei

[poppy1]

You need to look very closely at the reasons that you allowed yourself to do these things. There is clearly something lacking in either the relationship or in you, i.e. feeling taken for granted, needing attention, feeling that you are getting older and maybe less attractive. These are common things that happen in a long-term relationship.

 

You owe it to a long-term relationship to consider things very closely and to give your partner the opportunity to help you figure out what it is you need and he needs. You may be feeling these things because there are things he's not doing for you anymore or less of now than what you need.

 

This happens periodically in a long-term relationship. It gets stagnant and there is no excitement, you're going through the motions, so when you get attention from someone else at that point, it feels good on some level.

 

Get honest with yourself and him about your needs and let him be honest about his needs and whether they are being met and, if not, what can be done to fix that. Don't just bail before you do that.

 

I like your advice redhead14. I think that my relationship has become stagnant. we come home from work, we sit down, we don't talk much or if we do, my bf wants to discuss work and how to build our careers. We used to travel a lot in our home country and have fun, but since moving here, my bf has been concentrating a lot on improving his career prospects. He loves to plan ahead for the future and is always always thinking about work. On the other hand, I guess I like to enjoy the moment, I like to have fun, and I like to go out and meet people.

 

I guess I am finding other people more interesting because they have different interests to me, and different career to me (my bf and I have the same job). When we go out with friends for example, all he can really talk about is his work. I tell him beforehand to try not to talk about himself and about work. I ask him to find some hobbies, like sports or really anything, but he says that he genuinely loves his job and it's his hobby. At the weekends, he will happily do work. He says it doesn't feel like work to him as he likes it. My belief is that all work and no play makes jack a dull boy.

He doesn't do any exercise either because he claims he is too tired after work to go.

 

I like travelling a lot, but when I suggest going to places like Peru, or Cambodia my bf is very reluctant because he likes to holiday in more luxurious places with comforts. However, as soon as there was a conference related to work, he was even willing to go to Romania!! Which he would never have done in a million years!!

 

So basically, what I'm trying to say, is that can I live with a person who i find a bit boring and not physically attracted to, but loves me, is completely faithful to me, takes care of me, works hard, intelligent, good looking and kind? I feel that I would be throwing away something precious and a good relationship which is difficult to find (I think my bf is a very good man).I see my friends struggling to find a good guy and I don't want to be like that (I'm already 27!). On the other hand, I don't know what it's like to date. I have never dated before. I do have guys who show interest in me and I get asked for my number a few times a week. Perhaps I could find someone more compatible who would be interested in many things? The one thing I am sure of is that if I did break up with my bf he would be devastated, he said I was everything in his world, and there is nothing in his world if if i left.

Edited November 26, 2014 by poppy1

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

But girls and guys can be friends without any sexual involvement no matter the level of looks.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Trimmer]

But girls and guys can be friends without any sexual involvement no matter the level of looks.

As a somewhat unlikely exception maybe, but I think it will lead you wrong if you believe this to be a rule.

 

In terms of looks, I know I am pretty/beautiful. I assume this since I have had many people compliment me on my looks and saying I'm very pretty etc.

I am trying my best to believe that this other guy wants to be only friends with me. It would be weird for me to think that he is hanging out with me because he wants to have sex with me!!

Wow, this is astoundingly naive and un-self-aware. Sister, that may not be the ONLY thing he wants, but it's definitely high up there on the list. You are fooling yourself here.

 

At the moment, my bf is just happy that I am not leaving him. So things are kind of back to normal.

... that is, if "normal" means that you are not physically attracted to your boyfriend (and haven't been intimate in 2 months), you also aren't particularly emotionally attracted to him, since all he talks about is work, and isn't interested in anything new or adventurous, AND you are secretly dating another man. Really? Take a good look at yourself: is this your "normal"?

[Omei]

if you guys don't know how to have platonic relationships with the other sex thats not my problem and I think its kinda unfortunate you think its funny like it doesn't exist makes me think that maybe perhaps too many people just dont know how to communicate well enough anymore or enjoy being in a circle of friends.

 

Look to your elders and view their relationships with the opposite sex and maybe what im talking about will become more clear.

 

Idk guys im kinda of thrown off maybe its a American thing that people can't think they can ever have a friendship with someone else thats not their sex? All thats different is body parts you can still have a friendship, maybe its cuz im from Canada? Everyone I know has many friends guys or girls.

Edited November 28, 2014 by Omei

[almond]

if you guys don't know how to have platonic relationships with the other sex thats not my problem and I think its kinda unfortunate you think its funny like it doesn't exist makes me think that maybe perhaps too many people just dont know how to communicate well enough anymore or enjoy being in a circle of friends.

 

Look to your elders and view their relationships with the opposite sex and maybe what im talking about will become more clear.

 

Idk guys im kinda of thrown off maybe its a American thing that people can't think they can ever have a friendship with someone else thats not their sex? All thats different is body parts you can still have a friendship, maybe its cuz im from Canada? Everyone I know has many friends guys or girls.

 

Agreed. This has never been an issue for me at all, and I have multiple close male friends.

 

Sure, some may find me attractive, but as we've been friends for many years, and not one single line has ever been crossed by any of them, I'd say it's working out just fine.

 

I've been with my partner for six years and have never even (intentionally or knowingly) flirted with another man. Having male friends does not make me more likely to cheat - my sense of respect and loyalty runs a lot deeper than that.

Edited November 28, 2014 by almond

[Omei]

Agreed. This has never been an issue for me at all, and I have multiple close male friends.

 

Sure, some may find me attractive, but as we've been friends for many years, and not one single line has ever been crossed by any of them, I'd say it's working out just fine.

 

So are mine no boundrys have ever been crossed for years also, ive prob given off a very strong aura nothing ever would.

 

I like to believe that about myself in relationships as well my loyality runs deep.

 

I have been single for a long time too and I dont flirt with my close male friends it would ruin the entire friendship

Edited November 28, 2014 by Omei

[Diezel]

I have been single for a long time too and I dont flirt with my close male friends it would ruin the entire friendship

 

Experiment: Ask any of your "close male friends" if they would bang you if you gave them the chance tonight.

 

Report your results. Then tell us how truly "platonic" these friendships are. You might be surprised.

[Justanaverageguy]

So things are kind of back to normal. I am not sure whether we are fully compatible though, I don't really fancy him physically (we havent been intimate for 2 months despite sleeping in the same bed) although he is very good looking. I do love him though and can't really bear the thought of leaving him as we have been together for so long. I am scared of the thought of leaving him and then regretting it.

 

Poppy like I said to you earlier in the post - your situation has some really bizarre similarities to a situation I went through earlier this year where I caught my ex cheating on me. And I have seen something very very similar happen with 3 or 4 women in the last 2 years all in the same age bracket including my sister. I noticed a really specific pattern of behavior for women at this age and did some research and found this a actually a really common thing women go through at this age. Feeling like they are growing apart from their current partner - feeling bored and tied down in the relationship etc etc. And also suddenly feeling very attracted to other men.

 

Can I ask you a couple of specific questions to see if you line up with some of the things I found often reported by women when they hit 27 / 28.

 

Would you say over the last year or so your sex life and attraction to your BF went downhill. Like above you say your BF is good looking but you don't fancy him - which kind of does not make sense. Surely the length of time you have been together you did previously fancy him and where attracted to him. So would you say that something changed recently in the last year where you suddenly started feeling unattracted to your BF and even maybe went as far as to deliberately avoid sex with him ? Like you might make up excuses to avoid sleeping with him. Telling him you have a headache, feel sick, tired, womens issues etc to avoid it ? Thus leading to the point where you now haven't had sex for 2 months.

 

Would you also say not long after you started feeling less attracted to your BF you suddenly began to get a wandering eye. Noticed other men far more then you had previously ? I don't just mean this one guy you almost stated dating .... but in general you just started noticing other men more then previously and being attracted to and flirting with them much more then you did before ?? Also you suddenly found your sex drive which was so lacking with your partner was reactivated ..... only it was not directed at your boyfriend. In fact you found almost any man attractive - except your BF ?

 

Lastly - and this one is a bit specific - if you previously took birth control pills did you maybe go off these. Perhaps your doctor recommended you to because it wasn't working properly ??

 

I'm genuinely interested to see if your answers line up with what I observed and read about what women do at this age.

[Itspointless]

This is your main problem not some other guy hitting on you when (a) he knows you have a bf, and (b) he is using the fact that things are not right to get in between you and your bf.

 

By the way, you should stop and think about what kind of person this makes the other guy ? Even as a friend ? Spineless I would think !

poppy1 I woudn't use the word spineless as AYJ does. You wrote about the way he looked at your boyfriend and how your boyfriend noticed. No, he is not spineless he is an egocentric a-hole. He doesn't give a f**k about others peoples feelings. I have a rule for myself, don't mess with other relationships even when you know people are not good any-more together. Sorry, such guys (and girls) always make me mad.

Edited November 28, 2014 by Itspointless

[Omei]

Experiment: Ask any of your "close male friends" if they would bang you if you gave them the chance tonight.

 

Report your results. Then tell us how truly "platonic" these friendships are. You might be surprised.

 

I already stated in a previous post that ive already asked in the past and we agreed it was

weird that understanding and knowledge alone is what makes the friendship so successful, you know basic communication.

 

I dont have to ask them now when the friendship was born off that knowledge because those conversations and understandings were made clear at the start years ago.

 

All it really comes down to is being a basic adult lol you don't have to have sexual intent with the other gender to be apart of their lives the examples are everywhere.

Edited November 29, 2014 by Omei

[poppy1]

 

Would you say over the last year or so your sex life and attraction to your BF went downhill. Like above you say your BF is good looking but you don't fancy him - which kind of does not make sense. Surely the length of time you have been together you did previously fancy him and where attracted to him. So would you say that something changed recently in the last year where you suddenly started feeling unattracted to your BF and even maybe went as far as to deliberately avoid sex with him ? Like you might make up excuses to avoid sleeping with him. Telling him you have a headache, feel sick, tired, womens issues etc to avoid it ? Thus leading to the point where you now haven't had sex for 2 months.

 

Would you also say not long after you started feeling less attracted to your BF you suddenly began to get a wandering eye. Noticed other men far more then you had previously ? I don't just mean this one guy you almost stated dating .... but in general you just started noticing other men more then previously and being attracted to and flirting with them much more then you did before ?? Also you suddenly found your sex drive which was so lacking with your partner was reactivated ..... only it was not directed at your boyfriend. In fact you found almost any man attractive - except your BF ?

 

Lastly - and this one is a bit specific - if you previously took birth control pills did you maybe go off these. Perhaps your doctor recommended you to because it wasn't working properly ??

 

I'm genuinely interested to see if your answers line up with what I observed and read about what women do at this age.

 

Thanks for your input! To answer your questions, I have felt my desire for my boyfriend has really gone downhill over the years and especially in the past year. My desire for him was significant only in the first 6 months, after that, I wasn't sexually attracted to him and only had sex with him cos he always initiated it. Sex has rarely been a fun experience for me since he rarely pleasures me, or does any sort of foreplay and combined with a lack of sexual attraction to him means that I never initiated sex and most of the time just made an excuse such as 'I have to work tomorrow' to avoid it. Also due to the lack of foreplay or bad positioning, I would sometimes wake up in pain in the middle of the night and have to take the day off since the pain was bad. Every time, he would just do his thing, and then fall asleep.

 

He is good looking because many people say so and that was the first thing that attracted me to him when he was 19. However he has lost a lot of baby fat. He used to be 64kg but now he is 58kg on a 5 foot 8 frame. He also used to be much better looking before. He now looks completely worn out. He doesn't do exercise and when I say that he should, he says it's a waste of time and effort since it means he has to eat a lot to put on muscle mass and he thinks it's pointless to deliberately eat a lot to put on muscle. He isn't happy that he is skinny but doesn't want to put on muscle either. He is only 3kg heavier than me. The other thing is, A LOT of gay guys hit on my bf. He has a feminine looking face and gets mistaken for being gay an awful lot which annoys him because he is a bit of a homophobe.

 

I wouldn't say that the lack of sexual attraction was linked to me fancying other guys, since I've lacked sexual attraction to him for many years (since I was 22). I just didn't do anything about it since I didn't fancy any other guys around me so thought it was just best to stay put. Now in the new country where my own race is predominant rather than the ethnic minority (I am Asian) I find so many other Asian guys who are attractive and attracted to me. In my home country, even though I am pretty/hot, the white guys didn't pay attention to me and I didn't fancy them either.

 

I do find myself flirting with other guys, because the other guys give me a lot of attention and treat me really nicely. I have suddenly become quite a social butterfly in this new country making a lot of friends, both girls and guys. Whilst before I was being described as 'quiet, reserved, introverted' in my home country, I was so surprised when now people describe me as 'so bubbly, sociable, happy, and carefree'.

 

And the last question about birth control, we have always used the pull-out method, and never used contraception.

[poppy1]

News about the other guy:

 

I am not delusional and things have gotten too flirtatious for me to ignore his intentions and put it down to friendship only. If we hang out he likes to look into my eyes, ask me deep questions, he likes to hold me, rests his head on mine, and he will hold both of my hands in his and rub my fingers for a while until I pull away. He also likes to smile and look at me a lot. He always wants to hang out with me for coffee/food and asks if I'm free. He has even suggested us visiting his house. He wants me to teach him to dance ( but not the steps, only the embracing part). He always wants to hug me. He texts me good night and good morning every day. He texts if I'm ok, and how I'm feeling etc.

 

I had a deep chat with another guy friend (who is into me but I'm not into him) what I should do. He tells me to make a clean break with my current bf, but stay away from this other guy since he is of super flirtatious character and basically tries his luck with anything that moves and is female. They've been working together for one year so he knows him.

[jbrent890]

I love my wife to death even after she cheated. However, one of my serious regrets was dating and getting married in our early to mid twenties. The lack of maturity has contributed to a lot of problems in our marriage especially her cheating and I'm sensing that same lack of maturity in your relationship. You are still young, I know you have 7 years invested, but what you are experiencing is what we call the "7 year itch." At this point, nothing your partner does surprises you anymore and you also start looking for reasons to detract from your partner. As it stands, I don't think neither you or your boyfriend are emotionally equipped to handle this. If you were married I would say work it out, but in your case I think you should call it quits. Your still young and right now I think you owe it to yourself to see what's out there. Truth be told you might find the grass isn't greener, but at the rate your going, you are going to start seriously cheating on this guy. If you do choose to call it quits, do not jump into another relationship. That doesn't help you. I'm not telling you to go out and be overly premescious, but you need to get some experiences in. If I could do it over again, I would have enjoyed my twenties and gotten in serious relationships in my thirties where I promise you will be mature enough to handle a long term relationship.

[smackie9]

if you guys don't know how to have platonic relationships with the other sex thats not my problem and I think its kinda unfortunate you think its funny like it doesn't exist makes me think that maybe perhaps too many people just dont know how to communicate well enough anymore or enjoy being in a circle of friends.

 

Look to your elders and view their relationships with the opposite sex and maybe what im talking about will become more clear.

 

Idk guys im kinda of thrown off maybe its a American thing that people can't think they can ever have a friendship with someone else thats not their sex? All thats different is body parts you can still have a friendship, maybe its cuz im from Canada? Everyone I know has many friends guys or girls.

 

 

I AM from Canada and I am an elder. Yes you can have friendships with men to a certain degree, BUT you cannot be oblivious to their sexual attraction to you.

[NateGrey]

You should leave your boyfriend because you cheated on him so you don't love him. You can't bear to be without him? That is not love, but dependence. There is a difference, if it was love you wouldn't of cheated.

 

So my advice is to let the bf go and just be single. Don't be with this other guy though, any scum who gets with someone else's girl is not a person you want to be with.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. We're 27. We've stayed pretty strong throughout. We didn't have many friends back home. Recently we moved to another country. I discovered a love of making new friends and going out late at night to bars, cinema, restaurants etc with a group, but without my bf. He is very wrapped up in his work and doesn't want to socialise with people. We do the same job so we just literally talk about work all the time.

Slowly I've felt myself drift apart from my bf to the point I find him boring compared to the new people that I've met. I haven't been going out with him for a long time even though we live together.

Most weekends I will go out with a big group of people, and during the weekdays I may go out to lunch with a guy alone. I feel very guilty sometimes that I am going out doing these things whilst my bf is at home alone or working.

There is one guy who is very friendly towards me. He is 5 years younger than me. He texts me everyday, we go out for breakfast, we went for a movie, he tried to put his arm around me but I shrug it off. He knows that I have a bf but he can tell that things are not right. I have a strong feeling that he is into me, but I'm not into him apart from a close friend. I enjoy his company but there is no way I could imagine him being my bf. Age, socio-economic class, background is totally different.

My boyfriend last night said he was very upset because he had the odd feeling that I might leave him. As soon as he said that, I felt total regret at all the things I've done. I said yes I do love you but I admitted that I had had my doubts because I did want to try being single for a while (he was my first bf). I did suggest that we take a break, he said maybe he should go home and I figure out what I wanted to do. But when he said that, reality drove home, and I realised that I cannot live without him, I would be lost. I suddenly realised that I still love my bf very much, and he has been my rock and been there every step of the way supporting me and loving me with his whole heart.

 

I told him I have no feelings for anyone else but him (which is true).

I'm confused as to whether it is best to have a short break (a week or so) or to just work on my relationship with my boyfriend and cut ties with these guys (or at least just be normal friends and make it clear the boundaries)

 

thank you

 

 

 

 

Ultimately, you are doing these things to yourself.

 

In the end, or down the road 5 years... the things you cherish most in life will be those where you knew your own willing (emotional/personal) investment IN other people.

 

These become much more valuable and rewarding over time... and it typically sucks to put down an investment of many years, and pick-up an investment of mere months... (that is, when the investment of many years is thriving and rewarding).

 

Some experts say that those first-relationships aren't supposed to last, and that they are mere stepping stones toward future relationships... BUT the root is still there for you to know the ultimate emotional rewards from having worked to preserve that first, and oldest-to-you relationship.

 

Yet despite the impression that they somehow come from the other person, most of those rewards really come from within yourself.

 

So here you are... faced with a real world in which your boyfriend probably IS working too much, and too hard, and his routine hasn't served either one of you very well that way.

 

You, at the time, are dabbling socially outside of the relationship, which is bound to draw you further away from your relationship given time and half a chance. Guys have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with women who they wouldn't rather be banging***.

 

(*** exceptions made for neighbors, coworkers, and family ties)

 

 

So this really IS at this point up to you... I know it doesn't feel as if sucking it up, and not putting yourself in social-harm's way, while simultaneously initiating uncomfortable conversations/(near-demands) with your boyfriend that HE start paying more attention (and 'time') to you, and to your shared relationship... WILL pay-off down the road... but you can only figure it out once you GET there, that the eventual payoffs rise from inside of you, in the way of personal satisfaction.

 

 

... and those people all around who you see, who do seem to have rewarding and thriving personal relationships... they are content for the most part because they invested so much of themselves, and their priorities IN those relationships, and then knew the greatest satisfaction because of having done so!!

[Omei]

I AM from Canada and I am an elder. Yes you can have friendships with men to a certain degree, BUT you cannot be oblivious to their sexual attraction to you.

 

 

 

Before it was I wasn't attractive enough now it's im oblivious you're just tooting out any reason in your favor instead of taking my word that they really are very platonic with crystal clear boundaries, im the one in them to know.

 

Op what happened are you guys still together ? Are you still in contact with the "friend"?

Edited December 1, 2014 by Omei