Friends at Arms' Length

[fitzgirl]

So, I have a decent amount of friends... but none are really close, and I kind of regret this. I sometimes feel like I keep all of them at a distance because I don't know how to relate on a personal level. When I hang out with them, I can't relax and just shoot the breeze. I clam up, and don't know what to talk about. I feel like every conversation I have with a person is forced.

 

Online, I have no problem talking. I guess because I have time to think about what I want to say, before I say it, and I'm not on the spot. I'm funny, witty, and have loads to talk about online... but when it comes to talking to people in person, I'm at a loss and my mind goes blank. I find myself repeating myself saying "that's cool," "awesome", "really?" not being able to make any contribution to conversations, unless I'm drunk... which I know is not the answer... and I never make a point to get drunk when I'm around my friends, just for the sake of conversation. ... In addition, I want to kick myself for sounding so fake. I hate sounding fake and uninterested, but sometimes I think that's all I know. I'm way too formal.

 

I haven't had much luck with friends in the past. Most have just used me, or eventually I just realized they weren't nice people so I dumped them. I stopped hanging out with girls for a while because the majority I knew were nasty, jealous, and just down-right catty. Consequently, I feel more comfortable hanging out with guys. I have a lot of guy friends, but when it comes to girls, I'm very guarded. I dont' want to be like this, but it's hard. I don't want to get hurt like I have in the past. I guess it's a trust issue.

 

Case in point: there's this girl in my class who's incredibly nice to me, and obviously wants to be my friend, and I wouldn't mind being friends with her... but I keep pushing her away... finding excuses to avoid talking to her. I dont think we have much in common... but I tell myself just to go with it, be friendly, be myself, enjoy her company... but it still feels like I'm pulling teeth when I try and carry on a normal conversation.

 

My closest friend and I get along so well not only because we have things in common, but where I don't know what else to say, he picks up and everything's fine. no awkward silences, which i'm notorious for. It's a happy medium, and it just works. But everyone else I know, I have this horrible problem, and it's the reason why I don't have many close friends. I never know what to ask, how to show that I'm genuinely interested in them and what they have to say... when I try, I come off sounding plastic and forced. I think I need a crash course in sincerety.

 

I know this is a whole mess of issues, but make of it what you will. Any advice would be super gratefu! Thanks!

[Nomad]

I also have a similar problem in certain social situations: I want to talk, just don't know what to say. So I just try to stand there & at least look like I'm having a good time. I don't think there's anything wrong w/ a little alcohol to get loosened up...even really sociable people need that sometimes. Maybe when others are talking to you, ask questions throughout the conversation...that will keep them talking while keeping the main burden of conversation on them.