What is Excellent Compatibility?

[rollercoaster2014]

So i've been married for 2 years now. The butterflies are now long gone (we've been together a total 5 years). I am 33, she's 34. We both have good jobs but I make about 3X the $$ and we're probably in the top 1-2% income bracket. Lately I've been struggling with doubts regarding if we're truly compatible. Part of me somehow wants more but I do worry that I am seeking perfection.

 

Last night for example, we were driving for 45min and I started talking about this wealth management book I had read and she became quiet, nodded a couple of times, and didn't engage in the conversation. I am very interested in finance and politics, and I plan to invest my $$. She on the other hand, doesn't seem too interested in money, politics, or other things I would consider intellectual.

 

We are very good in other areas of life. We have good sex about 2-5 times/week. We have fun together and do lots of activities. She is low maintenance (like no birthday & anniversary gift required) and wants to live a simple life, which I like. She is extremely honest and over the top loyal and would give her life for me (at least I think). She would make a killer mother and we're planning to have 2 kids (none yet). I would say we have different intelligences. She has to correct me on lots of common sense stuff and does a better job of household management. I am much more academic, make more $, and read more. We learn things at a similar pace but my schooling was much longer so I have a wealth of knowledge she could never touch. I feel I am more ambitious but sometimes I also wonder whether I am just a dreamer.

 

We are both liberal, family-oriented, kind (but she's kinder than I), and responsible citizens. We watch some of the same TV shows but she watches a bit more trash TV that sometimes makes me mad (Kardashians, 19kids n' counting, etc). I tend to focus on news, politics, finance, and arts. Also with music, I like finding new bands/songs but she just listens to the radio and doesn't seek new music. Other taste also differs: I like Indie, electrohouse, rock and she just listens to top40 stuff which pisses me off.

 

We've taught each other much in life. For example, she has taught me skiing, driving a manual car, cooking, etc. All these have been very fun and she is a very patient and kind teacher.

 

So here's what I am asking:

-Are we compatible or not?

-Am I seeking perfection?

 

I feel like that we have lots going for us but at times I miss long conversations about life, politics, music, etc. I just don't think she's interested.

[central]

You are probably compatible, but you think you need everything in one person. If that's true, then I think you're wrong. You can get these particular kinds of intellectual conversation from your male friends. Your wife actually sounds like a great person - maybe you just need to focus on what's really great about her and appreciate those important things, rather than the unimportant things that you currently perceive as lacking.

 

While these interests are important to you and not to her, no doubt there are many that are important to her and not to you, yet it does not sound like she requires that you be into everything she's into.

 

The best thing might be to focus on the shared interests and activities you enjoy, or develop or experiment to find new ones you can share and discuss together. Please don't mess up a probably great relationship over superficial things like money and politics.

[Mr. Lucky]

Other taste also differs: I like Indie, electrohouse, rock and she just listens to top40 stuff which pisses me off.

We watch some of the same TV shows but she watches a bit more trash TV that sometimes makes me mad (Kardashians, 19kids n' counting, etc).

 

You come across as more than a little condescending, as though your pastimes and interests (electrohouse? Really?) are somehow more noble and worthwhile than hers.

 

You sound like a fortunate, lucky and well-positioned individual. I'd spend more time appreciating and less time questioning...

 

Mr. Lucky

[evanescentworld]

I'm afraid I echo Mr Lucky.

 

You need to lighten up and not consider that her tastes make her intellect inferior to yours.

 

My ex-H was highly analytical. He was a Computer systems consultant, and a high-earning expert in his field. Quite well known in fact.

He was also perhaps the greatest handiman I have ever met, and could turn his hand - expertly so - to almost any job that needed doing in the home, from electrics to carpentry, glazing to building.

Intellectually? Zero interest. Never read books, wasn't interested in cultural aspects of life (like the Arts, history, architecture, poetry, literature....) whereas I revelled in them and found all such matters fascinating, and still do.

 

But I respected that, and never pushed him to do things simply because I found them interesting.

Why should he enjoy everything I do? Why compel someone to like the things you like?

 

It's unfair. it makes demands upon a person which they are under no obligation to respond to.

 

Your wife likes different things too.

Tell me, how much interest do you show in the stuff she likes? What hobbies does she have? Are you interested in those? Do you try to participate?

 

I hate to say it, but she sounds more "human" than you do. Describing the TV she likes as 'trash' is quite rude, because frankly, the programmes you focus on don't sound like any kind of fun or escapism at all, to me. Too sombre, severe, strait-laced and dull. But you like them. OK, fine.

Don't make the mistake of believing they make you better than she is.

 

"Seek not every quality in one individual".

 

She's your wife, not an android.

Respect her for who she is, not for what you wish she was.

 

She probably finds your interests blinkered, dull, boring and too high-brow.

 

Where's your sense of fun, of laughter, of carefree enjoyment, of idiocy for idiocy's sake?

 

Be careful. If anyone deserves a second look because they're "intellectual" it's you, not her.

[rollercoaster2014]

No one is perfect and no relationship can have it all. I do agree that my wife sounds more human than me. One of the things that's been really bothering me recently is the explosion of dating apps/websites. For example, Tinder didn't exist when I was single but couple of my buddies who are on it seem to always have a new date/sexual companion. In no time in history has dating and sexual exploration been this out of control. So i feel like I am missing out on the easy way to explore new women who may have features that may be more attractive than my wife (character, looks, intelligence, etc). Sometimes I worry that marriage is gonna be a thing of the past and people will just keep jumping from one date to the next using the power of the internet. I dunno...I feel like marriage/kids come with a lot of responsibility and you're settling down while others live a care-free life exploring ever new facets of life. So yes, perfection doesn't exist, but in the current world, we feel pressured to keep chasing it.

[LittleTiger]

I think it's time you told your wife how you're feeling!

 

You've only been married for two years and already you think you can 'do better'??? That's not how love works!

 

If you don't look at your wife and consider youself the luckiest man ever, I don't see this marriage lasting much longer. Very sad.

[TigerLilly78]

Seams like you think yourself a bit better then her ether that or you have a touch of narcissism not to sure witch but everything she likes that you don't pisses you off why is that? even if you don't like the same things its her right to be an individual its almost like you want to date a carbon copy of yourself..

[TigerLilly78]

No one is perfect and no relationship can have it all. I do agree that my wife sounds more human than me. One of the things that's been really bothering me recently is the explosion of dating apps/websites. For example, Tinder didn't exist when I was single but couple of my buddies who are on it seem to always have a new date/sexual companion. In no time in history has dating and sexual exploration been this out of control. So i feel like I am missing out on the easy way to explore new women who may have features that may be more attractive than my wife (character, looks, intelligence, etc). Sometimes I worry that marriage is gonna be a thing of the past and people will just keep jumping from one date to the next using the power of the internet. I dunno...I feel like marriage/kids come with a lot of responsibility and you're settling down while others live a care-free life exploring ever new facets of life. So yes, perfection doesn't exist, but in the current world, we feel pressured to keep chasing it.

 

Before you think your missing out when it comes to internet dating take a really good read around these message boards read what the men are saying when it comes to it. I think you might find the grass is not always as green as you think. Unless you really just want meaningless sex with total strangers? then you need to divorce your poor wife and be single and expect to stay that way for a good while maybe ever I think you are being a little selfish and foolish..

[Allumere]

what a really sad thread....never enough.

 

Dude, you feel what you feel and I don't think it is unusual to a) feel an attraction to other people through the course of your life/marriage or b) to think what if....but many times the what ifs come when things are bad or stressed or you are exhausted...not because you are jealous over the pussy your buds are getting or the fact that your spouse doesn't share 100% of your interest. For f'sakes man you aren't 18...that kind of thinking I would expect from a kid.

 

You probably aren't a bad dude...but this struck a nerve. SO many men on here (and women) would kill to be in your position and to hear you questioning it...well as I said, it's really sad.

[stillmind]

No one has permanent effortless butterflies in any relationship, that's a ridiculous expectation. To enjoy lasting romantic love you need to continually re-invest in your relationship. Romantic love is a work in progress.

 

It sounds like you're bored with your wife and want to find new women, and you're justifying this in your mind by finding all of the ways your wife isn't a perfect match.

 

Unless you date yourself, it's going to be difficult to find someone who shares all of your interests. My husband and I share many interests and hobbies, but we also hold different opinions on many subjects and have different areas of expertise. I think it would be extremely boring to be married to a carbon copy of myself. My husband has taught me things I never would have known, introduced me to hobbies I never would have tried, and broadened my mind by challenging my opinions. I'm sure I've done the same to him. Why would I, or anyone, want to marry someone with 100% identical hobbies and opinions? It sounds incredibly dull.

 

If you aren't cut out for marriage and don't want to be monogamous, I think you should discuss this with your wife and maybe start thinking about divorce. But to say that you and your wife are fundamentally incompatible because she likes the Kardashians and listening to Top 40 radio????? You're seriously reaching here.

[Got it]

Isn't there a thread already with a very similar sentiment?

 

If you are already tallying things up and reducing your wife, and your marriage to a debit/asset comparison then you are already heading outside the marriage.

 

While my husband and I are in similar financial situation as you, and frankly I make more money, I could not imagine taking the approach you are with it and the condescending way you view her. He is not "less than" because of it. That thought has never crossed my mind.

 

Must be nice to be so wonderful.

[central]

I think you may be letting your pride in your financial success spill over into thinking you are better than most people, in particular your wife. Being good at one thing does not make you good at others, does not make you a good person, nor does it make you more than superficially attractive to other women. You may be these things, but if so you still need to examine your values. You may find a trophy wife type, but are you looking for the polished, social arm-candy, or someone who actually cares about you for who you are, and not what you have?

 

I suggest some serious self-reflection and evaluation to decide what your values truly are, and what is the real basis of happiness in life. I hope you will find that it is the quality of your relationships that provides lasting happiness, and that material success is fleeting and always requires more to continue feeling good.

 

I wish you success and happiness whatever you choose, but if you choose other than your wife, please be as kind and generous as you can if you leave her.

[elaine567]

In five years, after you got past being "in love" and the exciting stuff a new relationship brings, you have now taken stock and have realised the huge difference in the two of you, as regards what makes you both tick.

 

She is not intellectually your equal and that is now getting to be a problem in the relationship for you.

So whilst all the qualities she has and you list, will make an excellent homemaker and mother for your children, and a supportive, loyal partner for you, you have to ask yourself if that is indeed enough and I guess,

reading between the lines, that it isn't.

You have outgrown her, you have taken what she can teach you, but now it appears, she can teach you no more.

 

However, you have to be careful for what you wish for, because if you do truly want the picket fence lifestyle, then the more intellectually challenging person you think you want now,

may not be content to be just the homemaker.

[still_an_Angel]

You may have started out as compatible which is why you married her. But in your mind, you no longer are. Sorry, but you have mentioned many times why you believe you are far more superior than her - better/longer educated, make more money, enjoy intellectual conversations, all the stuff that make her a lesser being than you.

 

I agree that no one person will provide you with everything, you can no longer appreciate your wife's wonderful qualities because she does not measure up to what you deem to be the ideal.

[elaine567]

One of the things that's been really bothering me recently is the explosion of dating apps/websites. For example, Tinder didn't exist when I was single but couple of my buddies who are on it seem to always have a new date/sexual companion. In no time in history has dating and sexual exploration been this out of control. So i feel like I am missing out on the easy way to explore new women who may have features that may be more attractive than my wife (character, looks, intelligence, etc). Sometimes I worry that marriage is gonna be a thing of the past and people will just keep jumping from one date to the next using the power of the internet. I dunno...I feel like marriage/kids come with a lot of responsibility and you're settling down while others live a care-free life exploring ever new facets of life. So yes, perfection doesn't exist, but in the current world, we feel pressured to keep chasing it.

 

Perhaps you are not ready to settle down, if you truly aren't, then do not waste your wife's time - at 34 her biological clock will be ticking.

Let her go and seek someone who is more committed to her.

[DivorcedDad123]

Young love is "feelings". Mature love is a "choice". Every relationship is great in the beginning and full of emotioin and feelings. In every relationship those feelings and emotions diminish. That's when you have to choose to continue to love someone. It's not romantic. It's not like the movies. It's reality.

It's the "choice" that keeps a man loving a wife going through chemotherapy.It's a choice that keeps a woman loving a man who lost the use of his legs.

Do you choose to continue loving her through thick and thin,good and bad,healthy and sick? It's a conscience decision that many overlook and many think the "feelings" should remain and be constant.

[Gofsttrnlft]

No one is perfect and no relationship can have it all. I do agree that my wife sounds more human than me. One of the things that's been really bothering me recently is the explosion of dating apps/websites. For example, Tinder didn't exist when I was single but couple of my buddies who are on it seem to always have a new date/sexual companion. In no time in history has dating and sexual exploration been this out of control. So i feel like I am missing out on the easy way to explore new women who may have features that may be more attractive than my wife (character, looks, intelligence, etc). Sometimes I worry that marriage is gonna be a thing of the past and people will just keep jumping from one date to the next using the power of the internet. I dunno...I feel like marriage/kids come with a lot of responsibility and you're settling down while others live a care-free life exploring ever new facets of life. So yes, perfection doesn't exist, but in the current world, we feel pressured to keep chasing it.

 

The way you painted the picture of your wife she sounds wonderful, the way you paint the picture of yourself, not.so.much. You sound pompous, arrogant and elitist to me and I do not know anyone who likes a person with those qualities. Somehow you found a lady willing to put up with them, and you are complaining about it!? So sad. So her choice of music pisses you off, her lack of interest in finances and politics pisses you off, and her choices in TV shows pisses you off. That's it? Is that all you've got? Count your blessings!!

 

My biggest question is, are you really just now becoming aware of online dating sites? Are you really just now figuring out how much responsibility marriage and kids can be? If so maybe getting your head out of those books and into the real world will do you some good. In fact I am convinced it will.

 

Regardless of any issues between my wife and I, we do not see eye to eye on everything. I am a Slayer/Metallica guy and she is a top 40 gal. I go see Slipknot with my friends, she goes to see Salt and Pepa with hers. We use these events as time away which every marriage needs. When we are together we swap genre's from time to time out of respect for each other. My wife, like yours, doesn't like my political ramblings. I reserve them for a friend of mine who loves to talk about it. I do it out of respect for her. I won't even get into TV shows because that is just ridiculous to me.

 

You sound jealous of your friends to me and nothing more. That jealously is making the grass greener when it is probably not. That jealously seems to be making the small things you do not like about your wife bigger than they are because you are allowing it. I just hope if you continue down the path that you are, that you do not ruin her in the process. If she is as wonderful as you describe her, she will have zero problems finding a fella who appreciates everything about her.

 

Before I got married I asked my Dad if he thought I was doing the right thing. He turned to me and said, "Do you want to be alone or irritated?". Sounds like alone is for you.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

The things you complain about are petty and not worth the time you took to type them. Her tv shows and music make you mad?? She is not beneath you. You are above yourself. Why not spend some time reading the thousands of threads here on spouses who are liars, cheaters, lazy, irresponsible, abusive, manipulating, etc., etc. etc. Then come back and re-read what you wrote about your "troubled" thoughts regarding your wife and marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

So yes, perfection doesn't exist, but in the current world, we feel pressured to keep chasing it.

Only if you allow yourself to be manipulated into doing so.

 

No less than Albert Nobel said "Contentment is the only real wealth".

 

At this point, you don't get the Nobel prize ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[evanescentworld]

Man, I bet he's really glad he broached the subject!

 

So what are your thoughts now, OP?

 

Are you perhaps re-thinking your stance on "She's not perfect, I'm gonna investigate phekkin' someone else"....?

 

Maybe you should be thinking more along the lines of "I don't deserve to be married to such a wonderful lady, I think I'll set her free to finds someone who deserves her more....?

 

Because trust me, in your shoes I'd be seriously worried about where your thought-patterns are leading you. And it's not a route many would recommend.

 

How long did you date your wife for, before getting married to her, could I ask?

[rollercoaster2014]

Man, I bet he's really glad he broached the subject!

 

How long did you date your wife for, before getting married to her, could I ask?

 

I dated my wife for 3.5 years before marriage. So we knew each other very well. I know I come off as arrogant/ungrateful/etc but it seems to me that for educated men with options the market heavily favors the man because quality of male partners has significantly decreased in the modern era. So my mind starts wandering whether I should have settled down with this amazing woman or had gone on a crazy dating/sexual adventure to find an elite woman in every sense. I feel really bad talking like this because my wife is such a good human being. Another thing that bothers me is that she was previously married to someone who I consider inferior to me (sorry to use this term but in the dating market, there are hierarchies. He was much less educated, men less $$ than her, was less fit, was older, etc and a cheater!). So sometimes I guess I think about my wife as a commodity (which is really bad). If he could have her, then maybe I can get something much much grander (again, very narcissistic of me). But my wife has some amazing qualities that many people lack and that is why i decided to marry her.

[evanescentworld]

You dated her for 3-and-a-half years, so you say you knew what you were letting yourself in for.

I would suggest she has a severe problem with her 'people-picker' radar.

She seems to end up with jerk after jerk.

 

That said, I have never known anyone be able to praise their wife to the hilt and criticise and condemn her for who she is at one and the same time...!

 

You sir, have a distinct personality problem.

And it appears you know it.

 

I would respectfully suggest you invest in some serious counselling because by the sound of it, you need it.

She is not the one with the problem, unless that problem is you.

 

You seriously need to address your superiority complex, because the one thing you have in common with both your wife and this ex- of hers, is that you're all valuable human beings, who each merit the respect that deserves.

 

Picture this: You have a disastrous accident which tragically leaves you paraplegic.

 

What good your superior attitude then?

Who will look after you then when you need round-the-clock care?

oh, hang on! Of course! Your intellectually-inferior and sub-standard perfectly wonderful wife!

 

You're only as good as your last Action.

But people will always judge you by your words.

And yours need serious revision.

[elaine567]

I dated my wife for 3.5 years before marriage. So we knew each other very well. I know I come off as arrogant/ungrateful/etc but it seems to me that for educated men with options the market heavily favors the man because quality of male partners has significantly decreased in the modern era. So my mind starts wandering whether I should have settled down with this amazing woman or had gone on a crazy dating/sexual adventure to find an elite woman in every sense. I feel really bad talking like this because my wife is such a good human being. Another thing that bothers me is that she was previously married to someone who I consider inferior to me (sorry to use this term but in the dating market, there are hierarchies. He was much less educated, men less $$ than her, was less fit, was older, etc and a cheater!). So sometimes I guess I think about my wife as a commodity (which is really bad). If he could have her, then maybe I can get something much much grander (again, very narcissistic of me). But my wife has some amazing qualities that many people lack and that is why i decided to marry her.

 

So basically now you have realised how prized a man like you is on the dating market.

You were quite pleased with yourself, as to how you managed to get your wife away from the no hoper she was previously married to, but now she is not really the trophy you feel you deserve. What sort of woman ends up with a no hoper, eh? Not the quality of wife a man in your position, needs...

 

All this makes you sound heartless and a bit arrogant, and I am sure some on here will criticise you for it, but reality is reality and if you feel she is beneath you and you deserve better, then that may be a difficult feeling to shift.

My guess is that you will end up despising her, you will end up being overly critical of her, she will end up miserable and she will start resenting you and hating you for making her feel that way.

So, you need to consider all this very carefully.

If she is truly not someone you want to spend your life with, then make that decision pretty quick, so she is not tossed back onto the dating market at 40, emotionally damaged, and with 3 small children...

[Gofsttrnlft]

because quality of male partners has significantly decreased in the modern era.

 

Sheesh... Are you so high on your pedestal you cannot see that you just described yourself?

[rollercoaster2014]

Sheesh... Are you so high on your pedestal you cannot see that you just described yourself?

 

I agree that I may come off as arrogant/narcissistic but on paper I offer the types of things women want (career, money, reasonable looks, fitness, social aptitude, listening skills, life experience, sexual drive). It's funny that I am vilified for my thoughts but no one criticizes all the women who used to think they were too hot for me in their younger years. Market values change and mine has steadily increased over time. Perhaps, I am partly seeking to play the field to make myself feel good about being easily able to play those girls who used to reject me. Part of me wants to become real dark...keep dating and using women for my own sick desires and dump them when my needs are met. Of course, all of it in a consensual and mature (at least on the surface) manner. But, of course, I could also choose my lovely wife who deserves everything in the world because she is so pure and beautiful. I need counselling, that is for sure. The demons are killing me. I wish I had gotten everything out of my system before marriage so I wouldn't hurt this amazing woman.