How did you make you marriage work - LadyJane/Moose?

[invinciblesummer]

He does try hard for their approval; Our MC says he is a needy person - he needs to be complimented, needs to be reassured that he is loved - sometimes he tries too hard to get that assurance from me when he's feeling particularly insecure.

- this behavior is the complete opposite of a narcissistic personality- readf a book or 2 on it

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry....PC = Politically Correct.

 

You know, what bugs me about your situation is that you've been going on for so long and not making progress. Three years is a long time, even if it's "off and on".

 

I think there's a good probability that the two of you do still love one another. If not, surely one or the other of you would've thrown in the towel by now.

 

I had a friend a couple of years ago, who was going to physical therapy after knee surgery. He kept going for months on end, because he really did like his therapist, but he just wasn't making any progress.

 

Finally, he switched to a new P.T. who tried some totally different techniques. Within a couple of weeks he was doing better.

 

That's why I suggested maybe shaking things up with a new opinion from a new MC. It might even be worthwhile to extend that philosophy to some of his medical issues as well. Maybe get another Ortho to give him a second opinion on his neck injury, start some physical therapy or massage therapy...things like that.

 

When what you're doing isn't working, why not try something different? What have you got to lose?

[invincible summer]

He may have some narcissistic traits but that does not make someone a narcissist. There is a HUGE difference in the two. Generally a counselor only has a fraction of the credentials of a pychiatrist; I'd be very surprized if she really did make such a statement. From all her descriptions of her husband one would conclude he is very needy and needs a lot of attention (sexually and otherwise) this is not narcissistic. I've read a lot on the subject since I live with one I don't know it all by any means but I know hes not even in the ballpark of being one.

[fyrwyfe]

You know, what bugs me about your situation is that you've been going on for so long and not making progress. Three years is a long time, even if it's "off and on".

 

You are right, but... do you think the fact that he hasn't changed a whole lot over the last 3 years could be more to due to his narcissism than to needing a new counselor? I'll run it by my husband & see what he thinks about trying somebody else to get a different viewpoint. We may have a taste of that soon anyway if he makes it into IC as our MC suggested. Maybe that'll do him some good too.

[fyrwyfe]

There is a HUGE difference in the two. Generally a counselor only has a fraction of the credentials of a pychiatrist; I'd be very surprized if she really did make such a statement.

 

HE really DID make such a statement. I wasn't surprised by it either because I had been researching it on the internet a lot just prior to that statement, and everything I had read was VERY fitting of my husbands behavior.

 

I don't know it all by any means but I know hes not even in the ballpark of being one.

 

How could you possibly KNOW he's not?!

[invincible summer]

3 years! wholly cow -get a new doctor!!

[invincible summer]

you know, I don't, and you don't. No matter how much we read we don't have the credentials to say if he's one or not. Is your counselor a doctor?Board certified?Is he considered an expert by his peers? Or just a counsellor. I say this because I've beeen to counsellors and frankly most made no impact and some definately didn't know what they where talking about when touching real neuroloogical matters. Some were a waste of time and money. The doctor I go to has changed are lives so much and it didn't take 3 years. I'm just very surprized (sorry) by what I read.

 

 

Your guy sounds more like me than my narcissist husband.

[RecordProducer]

I made my marriage work by getting a divorce and finding a new boyfriend!

[invincible summer]

LOL -hey sometimes that works too!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by fyrwyfe

... do you think the fact that he hasn't changed a whole lot over the last 3 years could be more to due to his narcissism than to needing a new counselor?

 

If he is indeed narcissistic, there are treatment options available, mostly behavioral therapies, I suppose. However, he isn't receiving ANY treatment at this time. Because he's not really working with your current counselor.

 

Personally, I think if I were in a position to get a diagnosis that I didn't really want to hear....I'd need to hear it from more than one doctor. And I could see how a person might be more comfortable in seeking treatment after confirming it with a second opinion.

 

I think that in some respects that we're all a little bit narcissistic. But when you've been in pain for long enough to result in depression, it's hard to think about other people the way that you should. So, in those circumstances, it might not all be quite so cut and dried as to fit the diagnostic criteria. Particularly if he wasn't ALWAYS narcissistic before.

 

I'm not saying that you've got a bad MC. He might be great. He's just not getting through to your husband.

[Mz. Pixie]

Frye- I swear, you sound so much like me!!

 

When you're talking about how he says he will change and then he doesn't. Boy, it that a page out of my past!

 

My mother had a narcasstic personality disorder- I am well versed on that. She would always tell me she was sorry for her actions and her words and say things like, "I love you so much- you are my life" but then her actions would never match what she said. That is why I grew not to believe her when she said things like that. She only said it to get my reaction or to suck me back in. They call that hoovering. I was in a online support group for two years for children of women with BPD. I learned alot and was later able to mentor the newer members.

 

My H's actions did resemble that. How he was so selfish and how he would always say he would change but he never did. That being said, I'm not so sure he is a narcassist. He was capable of empathy and sympathy for others. Most people who are truly narcassistic are not. It's fake.

 

Let me ask you a few questions relating to this. Does your husband often rewrite the past- to make himself look better?? What I mean is that say something happened and you KNOW it happened like that and when he recounts it he recounts it in a different way- a way in which it makes HIM look better. Then the funny thing is is that you begin to believe that because they twist the truth around so much they get you to thinking YOU are the one with the problem. Does he often have uncontrollable rages but once they are over he is back to normal quickly? Does he often say things like you don't love me and you mistreat me when it's just the opposite? Just wondering. Those are classic examples.

[invincible summer]

fyrwyfe - I think I was rude to you on this post. I want to apologize: sorry.

[fyrwyfe]

Thanks for your input Pix.

 

Does your husband often rewrite the past- to make himself look better??

 

Yes, he does. He will lighten situations up a bit, which makes him look much better & can even make me look bad. Ex: We got in this arguement after Xmas Eve - he had been a total jerk, my part in this fight was that I "told him" to shut off the Playstation because the guests were arriving; he didn't like that, even though it was our previous agreement. That day & the next he did some really evil things & I was very upset with him but was sick & tired of argueing, so since we had a counseling appt the next day I decided I wasn't going to get into anything more with him. He approached me and started questioning me; I calmly told him I did want to argue with him - the kids were all around and I just wanted to hold things over 'till the next day. He pushed & pushed, I would calmly respond in short answers, but refused to get into a heated arguement, which is the frame of mind he was in. At one point he grabbed my arm to get an answer out of me; I made it very clear for him to not do THAT again. He got really immature & started taking things away from me - MY ipod I was listening to, MY scrapbooking chest that he had given me, and then, after not getting things his way, he took off his wedding ring & threw it at me. It hit me in the back of the neck - didn't feel too good.

 

You should've heard the way he downplayed THAT story to his family - he made me out to look like I was childish & immature for not "talking things out with him". He told them he "tossed" his ring at me - said he tried to bounce it off the bookshelf in front of me so it would land in my lap. What a joke. I'm sure he failed to tell them how intimidating he tried to be by taking my stuff away from me...

 

So, yes, he totally twists stories around to make him look better.

 

Does he often have uncontrollable rages but once they are over he is back to normal quickly?

 

Yes, and it drives me nuts! He is Mr. Moody, and even his family will agree with me on this one. He will be pissed at the world, and a few moment later he's his old self again while I'm still standing there trying to figure out what's going on. It takes me time to stop being angry (I know I need to work on this), but he is all ready for things to be great again and wants me to be 'over it'. This really frustrates me.

 

Does he often say things like you don't love me and you mistreat me when it's just the opposite?

 

He says a lot that I resent him, that there's no sparkle in my eye anymore, stuff like that. He's right though - that's the way it is with us right now. He doesn't say "you don't love me" though.

[Mz. Pixie]

Frye,

 

I'm going to PM you with a link to the website that I got all my information on and where I did the online support. I think you could learn quite a bit there.

 

Here is an example of something my mother did one time-

 

She and I were estranged a bit- she had thrown me out of the house in the middle of the night with a 102 fever and double ear infection. My ex inlaws had moved me in over there. Anyway, a couple of months after that we are speaking and everything but I was setting boundaries with her. A guy and a girl my H and I were couple friends with were getting married. We were both in the wedding and my mom had been invited too. She showed up and of course I was in the wedding party and didn't have alot of time to spend with her- pictures etc. I did talk to her though and introduce her to a lot of people. Later I get a call from my stepfather who's ranting and raving about how I mistreated my "own mother" at the wedding. According to her everyone shunned her- I didn't talk to her- and a bunch of other crap. None of that happened.

 

She was also famous for saying that she had to quit work because of her nerves "because of me" and everything was ALL ABOUT HER. When I got married, all about her, when I had my first child all about her, when my best friend died all about her.

 

I truly hope that this isn't what your husband has but the more I read the things he's done- taking stuff away from you etc- I think he does have some sort of disorder if not BPD. It's very hard to get them to seek treatment because they don't think anything is wrong with them- it's everyone else!

[Ladyjane14]

Sometimes I read a post like yours and it reminds me so much of my own dear sweetie. It's almost like we're all married to the same guy.

 

Maybe some of their behaviors are just universal. (????) Which is weird, because little boys are raised mostly by women.....and WE don't teach them that! So where the heck are they learning it?

 

I know mine is not a narcissist, he's just what I like to call..."high-maintenance". I think true narcissism is probably fairly evident when a person is dealing with one.

 

Anyway, mine is also prone to exageration and tall tales. I've learned over the years to just smile over it, and let him tell his stories his way. I think he appreciates my indulgence in this, because afterall....he and I both know the truth.

 

Originally posted by fyrwyfe

Ex: We got in this arguement after Xmas Eve - he had been a total jerk, my part in this fight was that I "told him" to shut off the Playstation because the guests were arriving; he didn't like that, even though it was our previous agreement. That day & the next he did some really evil things & I was very upset with him but was sick & tired of argueing, so since we had a counseling appt the next day I decided I wasn't going to get into anything more with him. He approached me and started questioning me; I calmly told him I did want to argue with him - the kids were all around and I just wanted to hold things over 'till the next day. He pushed & pushed, I would calmly respond in short answers, but refused to get into a heated arguement, which is the frame of mind he was in. At one point he grabbed my arm to get an answer out of me; I made it very clear for him to not do THAT again. He got really immature & started taking things away from me - MY ipod I was listening to, MY scrapbooking chest that he had given me, and then, after not getting things his way, he took off his wedding ring & threw it at me. It hit me in the back of the neck - didn't feel too good.

 

When I read your example of one of the arguements you've had, I also could identify with that. You can really SEE the evolution of how a minor annoyance escalated into a big conflagration. I'm all too familiar with it, because I've seen it many times....up close and personal.

 

Let me preface this by saying that sometimes our partner is just imperfect. Some really are high-maintenance when it comes right to it. It's your choice if you want to deal with that or not. Divorce is easy in this country. You're not forced to live your life in a manner which makes you unhappy.

 

My personal choice is that even if my husband is high-maintenance, I'm happy enough with him overall, that I'm willing to make adjustments in the way I interact with him. I think some male behaviors are just universal, but otherwise...some men are just easier to deal with than others. (The same could be said of women when you get right down to it.) My man is high-maintenance, but I love him anyway.

 

So, your example above might not apply to every man, but for mine....it certainly would.

 

What I have learned over the past year or so, is that I don't want to paint a big bulls-eye on my forehead. In other words, I stepped away from giving him an excuse to blame me for whatever is annoying him....by not behaving in ANY way that he could find controlling. It makes him responsible for his own choices.

 

That's not to say that I'm tip-toeing around the place trying not to p*ss him off, because I pretty much say and do as I please. But I take responsibility for all my business, and let him take responsibility for his.

 

In a situation like the example you gave, I'd have told him that our guests had arrived, and stopped with just giving him the info. Then it would have been his choice to put his game away, and I would have cared less if the guests themselves went and sought him out while he was playing.

 

And I wouldn't have bothered myself to be annoyed about it. I'm not going to let his bad manners reflect on me. I'm not going to take it personally. It wasn't me that made the decision to play a video game instead of greet my guest afterall.

 

Of course, throwing things and grabbing people by the arm during an arguement is NOT kosher....and I don't agree with it.

 

That said, I think your example is painting a pretty good picture of how really frustrated the two of you were in that scenario. You wanted him to do the things that he said he was going to do. You wanted to enforce that. I can't blame you, we all would. It's got to be frustrating for you, because he says one thing....and then does another.

 

And in the same kind of circumstances, when I forced myself to make an honest assessment....I too, was controlling and enforcing. But the problem was....it wasn't EVER working. We were getting into the same arguements again and again. I was approaching it the same way every time, and getting the same results. Go figure.

 

So, I switched tactics. I don't try to control anything he does anymore. I let him decide what he's going to do, and when he's going to do it. If the way he handles his business interferes with how I handle mine....I make the necessary adjustments in order to get my business done.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let him mistreat me. And on the biggies like fidelity and fiscal responsibility and issues like that, I'm still willing to go a few rounds if needs be. But if it's small potatoes, I'm not going to let it get under my skin.

 

For example, if the grass needs mowed, it's his job and he knows it. I'm not saying a word about it. He's got eyes, and he can see when it needs to get done. I'd rather have long grass than to exert authority over him in trying to get the grass cut, and then have him all mad at me because I'm telling him what to do.

 

AND...I'm not going to let it irritate me either. If we get fined for not cutting our grass, then he'll have to pay it. If he NEVER cuts the grass again, then I'll pay someone else to do it.....out of HIS money! I'm not going to let a little thing like lawnmowing wreck my day.

 

For your husband's part, in your example above, his perception is that you were "telling him what to do". He was able to transfer his annoyance at being interrupted on his game onto you, because you were enforcing his previous agreement in an authoritative way. That took his minor annoyance on to a whole new level in that you presented him with a target for his frustration.

 

Then, you also controlled the time and the circumstances in which the situation could be discussed....breeding even more frustration. (I think the Golden Rule would apply there, btw. How would you feel if you wanted to talk about something and he refused to discuss it with you until he was ready?)

 

Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm NOT condoning his behavior. You are right to refuse to have heated arguements, particularly when the children are present. I'm just pointing out that the frustration on both your parts just continued to escalate in that one example, and neither one of you seemed to have a solution for it.

 

Is this currently a pattern in your communications? Does a small annoyance often continue to escalate in this way? I'm just wondering how y'all might develop a coping strategy if that's the case.

[Moose]

Well, I wish I would've known you were specifically asking my opinion. LadyJane is doing a pretty good job though. I'll share my story tonight from home, I'm swamped here at the office again today.

 

If I had to sum it up though, acceptance, and giving more than you take spells out our success.

[fyrwyfe]

Then, you also controlled the time and the circumstances in which the situation could be discussed....breeding even more frustration. (I think the Golden Rule would apply there, btw. How would you feel if you wanted to talk about something and he refused to discuss it with you until he was ready?)

 

Yes, to some degree that is true. However, it really seemed by the way he approached me that he wasn't much in a 'talking' mood. I know he was angry about the video game issue, but after that he did several things that really upset me... found hidden on my side of the closet a journal entry of sorts, only it was on a loose piece of paper (he said he stumbled across it) - he claimed I wrote that I didn't love him, and he called me up at HIS brothers house on that Christmas Day (where HE should've been but REFUSED to go) to yell at me and question me. I told him I've never written anything like that, and you know what? After he read it he burned it, so what's there to discuss now? I tried to explain that anything 'bad' he read was just me venting, I vent on paper, I write, but it wasn't for his eyes. Back to the conversation... he said I shouldn't have gone to HIS family's so he could've, just overall being really mean, and then he said "when you get home all your sh*t will be on the front lawn." Nice. His brother talked him into coming, so he showed up later. We didn't talk, but toward the end of the night he was acting like everything was fine again. He tried to be funny by standing really close to me & poking me on the butt over and over until I finally moved. Not funny AT ALL under the circumstances - don't really know why he wouldn't understand that either. Sit down and have a calm, adult conversation, but poke me on the butt? Although, after reading half of Chapman's book I think I can see that maybe THAT is his way of trying to express love because he's a "physical touch" kind of guy....?

 

I've ranted a bit..... basically just wanted to say that there were reasons why I felt like I couldn't get into anything with him. What started as more of a minor situation with the video game just got so huge that I didn't know what to do with it, and in addition he didn't seem willing to address what he did afterwards. He wanted to "talk", I didn't, so what does one do in that situation?

 

 

And I wouldn't have bothered myself to be annoyed about it. I'm not going to let his bad manners reflect on me. I'm not going to take it personally. It wasn't me that made the decision to play a video game instead of greet my guest afterall.

 

Good way to look at it.... I know I can't "control" him - I guess what bothered me is the idea of everyone seeing him play this video game on Xmas Eve - to make matters worse it was a violent, shoot 'em up type game, and my sister would have literally tried to shelter her toddler from seeing it... But... still can't control him, just hoped he'd have been more considerate. You're right - it would've just reflected bad manners on his part, not mine.

 

AND...I'm not going to let it irritate me either. If we get fined for not cutting our grass, then he'll have to pay it. If he NEVER cuts the grass again, then I'll pay someone else to do it.....out of HIS money! I'm not going to let a little thing like lawnmowing wreck my day.

 

Good one!

 

Is this currently a pattern in your communications? Does a small annoyance often continue to escalate in this way? I'm just wondering how y'all might develop a coping strategy if that's the case.

 

Yes. I guess we are both hard-headed. I know it can't continue like this, thus the reason I am trying to do something about 'me' by reading Chapman's book and trying to learn each other better...

 

Insanity is: doing the same things over & over but expecting different results...

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by fyrwyfe

We didn't talk, but toward the end of the night he was acting like everything was fine again. He tried to be funny by standing really close to me & poking me on the butt over and over until I finally moved. Not funny AT ALL under the circumstances - don't really know why he wouldn't understand that either. Sit down and have a calm, adult conversation, but poke me on the butt? Although, after reading half of Chapman's book I think I can see that maybe THAT is his way of trying to express love because he's a "physical touch" kind of guy....?

 

:lmao: What the hell is up with that?! Mine does it all the time. We have some minor disagreement, it escalates into a major arguement, he brings up 600 different topics until he has one that really p*sses me off....then, when he gets over it, he starts in with the friendly little pokes.

 

I wish I had a quarter for every time that ever happened.

 

My best guess is that they know they went over-the-top, and they're too embarrassed to admit it until AFTER they find out if you're still mad.

 

But maybe I'll do some field research later on tonight, and find out exactly what the correct translation is on the "let's be friends poke". It'll be like a re-con mission.

[Mr Spock]

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

 

 

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe07.html

 

 

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/

[fyrwyfe]

[color=violet]Thank you Spock...

 

[/color]

[Mr Spock]

One of those links is to a site that will link you to, if not contain the actual info, a website that tries to help people who love someone with NPD.

[fyrwyfe]

[color=darkblue]

It's interesting... now that I'm nearly done with Chapman's book, I clearly have a better understanding of where our relationship is lacking, but... in a certain ways that makes it harder because I can NOW see how different our needs are & how he doesn't have me figured out at all. And... I know what HE needs (maybe not in order of importance quite yet) but it's so hard to put forth effort. Maybe part of the reason is because his needs are at the bottom of my list, or that's how it's looking at this point. I have another chapter or 2 to go... "Loving the Unlovely" is where I'm at now, and I'm hoping it will shed more light on how to give when I feel so empty.

 

I know it's gonna take me making changes first, and that hopefully he will follow through, but it's so frustrating... I still need to learn the order my "love languages", but I do know that right now he's not meeting them. 'Acts of Service' is up there pretty high, and so is 'Quality Time', and both of those are hard to come by in this marriage. He's not a reader but he said he would read this book... hopefully he follows through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[/color]

[Ladyjane14]

You know, I really don't think that Chapman covers how to dig deep and find the love that you had for your partner. Sometimes you feel like your pockets are empty.

 

Personally, I found it helpful to use my imagination in a vivid way, and to explore what my feelings would be in living the rest of my life without him. I had to make a mental trip, and stand over his grave so to speak.

 

It's hard to clean off the grubbiness of years and years of built-up resentment. But you have to do it in order to see if there is ANYTHING left. The cleaning equipment for that is forgiveness.

 

At some point, either with him or without him, you'll need to forgive his transgressions in order to find personal happiness. Otherwise, with or without him, you live your life in a state of bitterness.

 

I was struck by something WWIU said the otherday:

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Thinking to myself, MY GOD, this is the REST OF MY LIFE...I love him, but right now I really dislike him and he just bugs the s*** out of me. I mean, his breathing, the way sometimes his nose sings when he breathes, his habits - Which annoy the heck out of me too, can't forget those...It comes and goes...Its' normal and I know that now...

 

It's funny, and it's universal. But the thing that strikes me is that we all kind of assume that we're not annoying our partner as well. How do we really know that our own nose isn't whistling when we sleep?

 

It's acceptance that we are, ourselves, imperfect people that allows us to love someone else who is imperfect. We all live in our own glass house. And we have to learn to love ourselves.....glass house and all.

 

In accepting our own imperfections, we can then accept someone else and love them not only in spite of their faults....but for the whole package, warts and all. It's okay to love something that isn't perfect. It's okay to Love the Unlovely.

 

Now, I'm not saying that he's not wrong for looking at porn, which appears to be a large part of the main issues. Dr. Phil will go along with you on that, I'm sure. He's very explicit on that.

 

Having said that, (and not meaning to offend )....he also says that it's wrong to be a right-fighter. As in, "would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?". So which is the greater wrong in that case? Two wrongs won't make anyone right.

 

I think it may be a possibility that you are so caught up in knowing that you're right, that you've become stagnated in the process of communications. There's a line drawn in the sand here. Which is okay if you're willing to follow along to the inevitable conclusion of being inflexible.

 

Inflexibility is totally acceptable when dealing with THE ULTIMATUM. There are some things that are worth issuing the ultimatum over. Only you can decide if this is one of them. People shouldn't be expected to live with something that they just can't live with. If it is indeed a case of MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, then that's exactly what it is.

 

But you can't have it both ways. You cannot force compliance, no matter if you're right or if you're wrong. All you can do is to decide what YOU are going to do. You're always free to leave. That's something you can do. But you can't MAKE him not look at porn and treat you like you want to be treated. He has to make those decisions for himself.

 

I posted on your other thread about letting him read here. I said at the time that the Golden Rule should apply. However, if you're really uncomfortable with it, why not consider starting an at-home journal where you can BOTH post to one another. It might be a great way to get the conversation going. The nice thing about writing is that you'll be able to slow down the communication process and say what you mean. You have time to think about responses that you make to each other.

 

He needs to understand how very important resolving the problem is. He needs to see the Dark Side, and to understand that the marriage itself is hanging in the balance. Shielding him from that does him a disservice. It's his marriage too. He should have a chance to respond to you, even when the things you say are hard to hear.

[fyrwyfe]

[color=darkblue]Porn is only part of the problem - that part of it has gotten better, and he claims he totally understands the way it makes me feel , even admits he wouldn't want me looking at it either.

 

The other problems are the trust issues, the lying, the narcissistic-type behaviors (entitlement, bullying), the same problems resurfacing time after time, and it seems a big part of it also is not knowing our emaotional needs, which I am working to figure out.

 

An at home journal may be a good idea - he's just that he's SO into his own little world it's hard for me to picture him having any interest in that at all. I think maybe he's get more out of reading either Chapman or Harley's book, that is, if he WILL read it.

 

I myself do fall into the category of a 'right-fighter' - I am aware of it and am trying to work on it. I'm also not great at apologizing; also something I am working on. You are right about forgiveness - I'm trying to get there...

 

You are also correct about him needing to see the Dark Side - that's pretty scary for me because he just cannot handle negative thoughts & feelings about him or anything he's doing or ISN'T doing enough of. He starts saying things like "I know, I can't do anything right" and "Nothing is ever good enough" - it's like he would just rather sit there in denial than accept that there are issues and do something about them. [/color]

[Moose]

It's hard to clean off the grubbiness of years and years of built-up resentment. But you have to do it in order to see if there is ANYTHING left. The cleaning equipment for that is forgiveness.

You know, this speaks volumes to me. My years and years of leaving Mrs. Moose at home with the kids while I go out and get drunk, get into fights, go to jail should've been enough to run anyone off. But instead, she knew she made a life long comittment and chose to forgive me.

Porn is only part of the problem - that part of it has gotten better, and he claims he totally understands the way it makes me feel , even admits he wouldn't want me looking at it either.

Please understand that this isn't a promise to stop. Another thing that made my marriage work is acceptance. There will always, ALWAYS, be something about your spouse/partner you don't care about. To give you an example without going into too many details, Mrs. Moose isn't the best houskeeper in the world. She's sooooo bad, I hired a housekeeper 2 years ago. I spend a lot of time in the garage playing with my, "toys", so she'll bring our supper plates out there so we can at least eat together. We've learned to compromise with each other's, "faults".

The other problems are the trust issues, the lying, the narcissistic-type behaviors (entitlement, bullying), the same problems resurfacing time after time, and it seems a big part of it also is not knowing our emaotional needs, which I am working to figure out.

You are taking the neccessary steps to re-build your marriage. Not only are you stepping up to the plate, you're ready for that home run. Please, don't be discouraged if you hit a foul or two. I'm certain that some day your husband will get to the point to where he won't feel compelled to lie to you anymore, and someone will eventually put him back in his place. Another attribute of a successful marriage is patience.