How to get rid of all the negativity

[bob the brave]

I think I'm an ok guy, you know good education, job, take care of myself, kind, compassionate...yada, yada.

 

You may not think so from this or previous posts but I really am a good, happy guy by nature and have been told I can be funny.

 

Problem is girls hate me, always have. The last event was so sad for me that when compiled on top of all the other demoralizing events, I now find myself fundamentally changed. It is beyond a broken heart. I am not the person I was. All of my daily thoughts and even a lot of dreams are filled with sadness and hate. I never even knew what hate was.

 

This has been my state for nearly 3 years. I have sought counseling to no avail. All the therapists I've seen have told me I am fine, not depressed. Suicide is something I would never want to do, but I feel I am being forced as there is no place for me here.

[Dontfindme]

You sound like you're stuck in a cycle. If I thought men hated me, that would make me question myself, questioning myself to figure out what it is that makes men hate me, would give me no definite answer, and so I would start to become insecure about things that I normally wouldn't, insecurity to self-pity and self-loathing, and repeat.

 

You don't need validation from women. Make yourself happy by loving yourself. Do what you want to do.

 

Start a project, go out and travel, make new friends, learn something new, exercise, read, become more cultured, try interesting new foods, expand your work life, meditate.

 

There are so many ways to fill your life with positive energy, that doesn't need to include women.

[OwMyEyeball]

All the labels and diagnosis aside, it's kind of hard to believe that therapists would give you a pat on the back and a clean bill of mental health if you told them about your dark daily thoughts and feelings.

 

Did you disclose the sadness and hate to them? Explore those thoughts and feelings a bit more to get some greater sense of where they stem from?

 

Or is there a chance that you went into your automatic response mode, which is to put on a brave, happy and pleasant persona, even while your insides feel like they're rotting?

[travelbug1996]

why do you say that all girls hate you?? That's pretty hard to believe. How old are you??

[StalwartMind]

I assume by events, you possibly mean, meetups or so. Either way, if this is the only way you are attempting to meet women, then you may be limiting your experience.

 

There are amazing women out there whom will make you feel welcome and appreciated. This can of course be a bit of a challenge, depending on how many interests you have, but I typically find the most awesome people in environments I'm passionate about.

 

It's of course hard to say what is causing you to feel these negative emotions, but in no way would I judge you from a brief post (I haven't read your previous posts).

 

It often helps being in a positive environment, one where you feel comfortable, as well as having other positive people around you. In case you are going to dating events or whatever, that might be creating a tense and competitive atmosphere.

[Elias33]

The negativity comes from you starting to believe the negative rubbish you feed yourself. There is no way in telling of your general statements are true, so they may as well be positive ones. That is how your negativity will go away.

 

Your thoughts determine your feelings, your feelings will determine your habits, your habits will determine how you live your life. So start with thoughts such as "I am a great guy". You don't have to believe in them, and it doesn't even have to be true, but what it will do, it will start turning this giant oil tanker around heading towards the the sun coming up, instead of the sun going down. Understood?

[doeblin]

The negativity comes from you starting to believe the negative rubbish you feed yourself. There is no way in telling of your general statements are true, so they may as well be positive ones. That is how your negativity will go away.

 

Your thoughts determine your feelings, your feelings will determine your habits, your habits will determine how you live your life. So start with thoughts such as "I am a great guy". You don't have to believe in them, and it doesn't even have to be true, but what it will do, it will start turning this giant oil tanker around heading towards the the sun coming up, instead of the sun going down. Understood?

 

 

^^^^THIS^^^^

 

It's a pithy explanation of cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

OP, you might want to look up Feeling Good by David Burns.

[bob the brave]

thanks everyone. Yea, I think you're right. Maybe my counselor missed something or I hid it. Dunno. I know I'm not clinically depressed, just sad.

 

To be more specific,I really liked the last girl. Then she literaly ran away and made insulting jokes about me with other girls and another guy. Then she hooked up with this guy who came to me and put up in my face again in a very insulting way. It hurt so much, not just the rejection, but the disrespect as a person. Plus, the guy she hooked up with was a db player. It hurt so much I just stopped speaking to her. She was very mad and learned to hate me.

 

Then a year later she married another guy. She is very happy.

[bob the brave]

Once when I was teaching in a university, the dean called me in and said the girls all came to his office telling him they hate me. He said they refused to tell him why! I asked, "What about the guys?" to which replied, "Yea, I talked to them. They say you're a great teacher. So, whatever it is you are doing or not doing, fix it."

[bob the brave]

Basically, my sadness stems from this. It's hard watching other people, especially people you like, be mean and treat you like trash and see them dote and be kind and caring to others.

 

It just hurts to know that this girl's husband gets the sweet, caring girl I see around him. He will never see the side of her she showed me. That just hurts.

[Toodaloo]

Basically, my sadness stems from this. It's hard watching other people, especially people you like, be mean and treat you like trash and see them dote and be kind and caring to others.

 

It just hurts to know that this girl's husband gets the sweet, caring girl I see around him. He will never see the side of her she showed me. That just hurts.

 

Bob people are weird.

 

I don't know why this is happening to you but there is clearly something. Guys don't have a problem and the women are clearly not able to put a finger on it or honest enough to come out with it.

 

I suggest that you talk to your family about this. Ask them to be honest about your mannerisms etc because this is obviously a problem not just in dating but in work etc.

 

For the time being leave romance out of it and try to get to the bottom of the problem.

[bob the brave]

Bob people are weird.

 

I don't know why this is happening to you but there is clearly something. Guys don't have a problem and the women are clearly not able to put a finger on it or honest enough to come out with it.

 

For the time being leave romance out of it and try to get to the bottom of the problem.

 

I think I pretty much know, my looks. I, personally, don't see it. Yea, I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm not Frankenstein either. I have always taken good care of myself and am in great physical shape. But girls always seem to cringe when they see me coming. They are nice, it's not that I'm creepy. They seem to really like me on a personal basis. I get the feeling they think when it comes to birds and bees, I'm an idiot. Which may be true, but no one will give me a chance?

 

Once when I was teaching at another place, the dean, who was a woman, took every opportunity to insult me. It puzzled, but I really didn't care. Then at the end of the semester, the students had to perform a number of group presentations of various kinds. One was a play for which I volunteered. She had a fit in front of everyone, saying we might as well not have presentations if I am going to do this. That I would totally mess it up.

 

Well, I did it anyway and the play got a standing ovation. People were cheering in the isles. Although, I think I did an ok job as mentor, I can really take no credit for the result. It was really their doing and the result would have been the same under any teacher.

 

But in riding in the car afterwards, the dean was very quiet, she had a kind of shameful look on her face. Then she said, "I owe you an apology. I was mean to you all semester and I really don't know why. You are obviously a good teacher. So please stay."

 

This is the response I get from every woman, even a dean. They just take a natural hatred towards me. Not to sound conceded but I really am a descent guy. I really do respect and care about others. I am just so tired, worn out actually and sad from repeatedly being treated like this. To go through life alone and treated less than human.

 

I am an engineer, speak 4 languages and am very adventurous, truly. I watched a girl I like run from me to an alcoholic player with no education that didn't give a crap about her. Then I watched the whole thing go south and the player move on to the next. She was hurt for weeks, but to this day she still respects him more than me. I just don't get it.

 

Chris Rock has a bit were he talks about the fact that if you aren't born good looking, you'd better be really, really, really, really, really smart. Because otherwise you're screwed.

 

I am seriously considering suicide. Not because I am depressed, but it seems the only viable option to end this. I hate it as it's not fair, but I guess that is just the way life is sometimes. Someone has to roll snake eyes. I have even thrown away all my stuff and am now sitting in an empty apartment. I didn't want to leave a mess for others to have to sort through. There just doesn't seem any point in continuing if I don't want to live alone.

Edited November 28, 2014 by bob the brave

[bob the brave]

Though it hurts to strike out, it hurts far more to never get a chance to bat.

[MissMoneyPenny]

Bob, reading through your replies, it is reminding me of a quote:

 

To be healthy: Eat right, walk right and talk to yourself right.

 

You say you take good care of yourself - great! I'm just wondering if you need to carry yourself with a bit more relaxed confidence. Stand tall when you walk and present yourself as more relaxed by talking to yourself right.

 

No more thoughts of suicide. You are a successful young man!