himforever Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 Hi, I am currently seeking advice, the only guy I have ever loved, I lied to for 3 years now about having herpes, And just recently just told him the truth because we ended things after 7 years. 5 years ago, I found out my boyfriend has herpes, We have been together on and off for 7 years and we have a 7 year old daughter together. things have been really tough for us, we just never could get it right in our relationship but kept trying anyways, I thought this was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, we had unprotected sex many times. I told him that I ended up getting herpes from him, I don't know why I did this, maybe I thought things would be different for us if I had it too, I really do not know what I was thinking at this time. but I do not have herpes I have been tested many times and luckily I did not get the virus. I put him through allot just by him thinking he gave this to me, and about a month ago I came clean and told him the truth, I wanted to tell him sooner but I was scared I would lose him, I know relationships should not be based on lies..... But I did end up telling the truth, I couldn't take the guilt of lying anymore. He was furious and extreamly upset, and never wanted to talk to me again. I still love him very much and feel terrible for hurting him so bad, but the thing is, just this last week we started talking through email almost everyday, and the last few days even on the phone and really getting along. But we had a long talk and he cannot get past what I did and he sees me as someone I am not. I really want him to trust me again, I have never kept anything this big from him before, nor lied...a few fibs sure, who doesn't. Also I found out a few weeks ago that he lied to me about sleeping with his ex, while sleeping with me a couple months back....with both of us unprotected!!!!!, and this makes me sick to my stomach knowing this, and now I am upset he lied to me. we talked and we want to have something good back for the sake of our daughter as well as us, we both still care about each other very much, but there is allot of hurt from lies, how to I get him to trust me again. I need advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 I think the more important question here is why do you want him so bad? He lied to you too about sleeping with someone else. How did he get herpes in the first place, is it usual for him to have unprotected sex? Why did you lie about having herpes? What was happening at the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author himforever Posted March 18, 2005 Author Share Posted March 18, 2005 Thank you donut for your reply. I know right now, I would never take him back, I have no trust in him once so ever. I do care about him, and would like to have any sort of relationship with him especially to make things easier parenting with him. he got herpes on a trip, he was gone for 6 months to get his citizenship, and yes he cheated on me then too...I know for a fact once a cheater always a cheater. I just hate having conversations with him and he doesn't believe a word I say...even something about our daughter. honestly I have no idea why I lied about having herpes. At the time I really cannot remember, there was a great possiblity of him leaving at the time, and finding someone new. I feel bad I hurt him, and He has hurt me many times.....believe me this is only half of what he has done to me, I just want that civil relationship with him again, and to some way or another trust him and vise versa. otherwise this will be never ending, how to I do that? I could never actually be with someone I couldn't trust, the wonder would always be there. I hope this answers some of your questions? Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Ok, so you're not looking to get back with him then? In that case you both need to at least have a little respect for each other for your daughter. I'm no expert so you need to seek professional help and probably some legal advice, so you both can have a proper worked out schedule of visiting times at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Author himforever Posted March 19, 2005 Author Share Posted March 19, 2005 Thanks Donut for your reply once agian. I definatly do not want him back as far as "relationship" goes, but it would be nice to be able to trust eachother again. We are in contact with eachother quite frequently and it's good for the most part, because we really only do talk about our daughter. We have been to counselours and we have joint custody of our daughter legally, so we do have our days. I think what I am looking for is..... after our relationship ended there is alot of hurt, and I don't know if only time will heal that, or what, but I just want some advice as to how I can begin to trust him as a person again, and how can I get him to trust me again, because of the "huge" lie about having herpes.Some days he will ask me to keep my daughter so he can work on his house, or because he is helping someone move or whatever the reason, and even that I just don't believe that that's really what he is doing, and It bothers me knowing that he is lying for no reason at all, when I am always more than happy to have my daughter even if its not my day with her. I guess just inorder to deal with him, civilly and decent and in hopes we could be friends some where down the road I need to be able to trust him again. I really appeciate your effort in trying to help, I didn't want professional help, just other people opinions and advice, maybe there is someone out there that has a simular situation about trust and lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Unfortunately trust has to be earned, that is gonna take some time and you both respecting each other. You have no influence on how he behaves, just how you behave and your responses to him. If he is not behaving how you want him to you're just gonna have to rise above it, forgive yourself for the way things turned out and continue to be civil in your communications about your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author himforever Posted March 19, 2005 Author Share Posted March 19, 2005 Wow Thanks Donut, It is always different coming from someone else, and you don't realize things either until people from the outside point them out to you. thanks so much, that is real great advice. I am trying my best, to forgive, but forgetting is anther thing, just hope things will be better from here on out. I agree with you 100% on how I react to him, that does make a huge difference, thanks so much!! Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 1. Forgive him, for yourself, and for your child. Never forget. 2. From what I understand (correct me if I'm wrong here), this guy cheated on you, by having unprotected sex with someone else while you were in a committed relationship with him, brought back herpes as a result, and then had unprotected sex with you. The fact that you lied about him giving it to you (which was a likely result of the above), was bad, but on a sliding scale, that was a B Misdemeanor, and what he did to you was an A Felony. You obviously forgave him for what he did to you. Now he can't forgive you for lying about the magnitude of what he did to you, and wants to break it off. My assessment? Good. You dodged a bullet. You are better off without him, not just because he cheated on you and brought back herpes, but because he is so damned shallow that he cannot see all of what I just said, and forgive you. My advice is to never even entertain the possibility of getting back with him, no matter what he says at this point. 3. Be extremely glad you do not have herpes, and do not ever hook up with him, as people often do with their exes, just because it feels right at the time. If he isn't the man you want to spend the rest of your entire life with (which hopefully, would include that man being someone you can trust, and he isn't it), then getting herpes will decrease your chances of finding that person by about a factor of 10. 4. Start dating again. It will make it all much easier. Finding Mr. Right will bring you the sort of happiness that you once had with him. Finding Mr. Right Now will help you forget about that which you do not currently have, and make it easier to deal with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Honestly, I don't understand the topic of the thread at all. Who gave herpes to whom? And why does the original post feel guilty for having herpes? Why is she worried that her boyfriend who gave it to her didn't know she had herpes, if he was the one who gave it to her? Shouldn't she be more upset about the cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 kooky, the original poster does NOT have herpes. Her ex does and she told him that he gave her herpes to make him feel guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted March 19, 2005 Share Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog kooky, the original poster does NOT have herpes. Her ex does and she told him that he gave her herpes to make him feel guilty. You're right! Now it makes sense to me, too. I must have a bad day, I really wasn't able to grasp the topic even after reading it a couple of times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author himforever Posted March 19, 2005 Author Share Posted March 19, 2005 Thanks for the great advice withorwithoutyou, you are correct on everything, except I broke it off with him because I couldn't take the cheating no more (once a cheater always a cheater), but he is still upset with me for lying, and everytime we do have to talk about our daughter, it some how surfaces the fact I lied to him, But this is what he does for 6 years now, he will be mad but when he has no one else around, he trys to come back to me, and starts being overly nice over the phone, email. etc etc. He tells me how much he cares for me and wants me in his life, blah blah, and in the past I had fell for it, many times, but I have been pretty much ignoring it this time, cause of the simple fact, I cannot trust him. He has done me alot of wrong in the past and I have forgave him for that, but alot I cannot forget. He is a good person and a great father, I care for him very much as a person, we have a daughter together, but its not enough for me to ever want him back, he plays with my emotions and I could never take the chance he might cheat again, or even put my self at risk one more time. He is 27 years old and I am 25 and I always wondered when will he grow up and stop doing what he is doing, Yes even though I lied I am extreamly happy I did not get the virus in some miraculous way, that I can find my true happiness with out having that worry. I do need to start dating yes you are right!!! but when the time is right. thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author himforever Posted March 19, 2005 Author Share Posted March 19, 2005 Well Devildog, you may be right, maybe I did tell him I had herpes just to make him feel guilty..... for cheating on me, and maybe also make him realize he can't be sleeping with other people and put them at risk, I was and am not the only one he has unprotected sex with. so maybe in a way, I was trying to show him how serious it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 himforever, Based on your screen name and just the tone I am picking up from your posts, I think you are trying to convince yourself, not us, that you don't want him back. If you didn't really want him back then he wouldn't be able to toy with your emotions. Is he listed on the birth certificate as the child's father? Does he pay child support? Has he been informed what is and is not legally acceptable for how a parent treats the child's other parent? Link to post Share on other sites
Author himforever Posted March 20, 2005 Author Share Posted March 20, 2005 Yes to all your questions Devildog, He is on the birth certificate as the father and does pay child support, and my daughter even has has both our last names. As far as being informed on how the other parent treats the other....not so sure because if that were the case we wouldn't of had such a messed up relationship. You can think that I am trying to convince my self of whatever, like I had said in a previous post, I do care about him as a person, but after the lies and cheating I would never go back and I am 100% sure on that. It would be nice how ever to beable to maintain a friendly relationship with him for our daughter's sake and to make things easier to Co- parent with him. Yes he does toy with my emotions, only because he knows me well enough to push the right buttons. But I am learning to not let it get the best of me, that will take time. Link to post Share on other sites
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