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MrPhotographer

We've been married for almost 5 years now and I am extremely unhappy. It's been like this for that past couple of years now. On top of that we just had a child and I feel obligated to continue the marriage but no longer relate to my partner. I don't hate her, nor would I ever cheat on her, but it has been tempting. I have made a strong effort to keep myself out of "dangerous" situations with other women but it's difficult when you share nothing in common with your partner anymore. She has changed a little during the course of our marriage but she has changed me a lot.

 

I am starting to feel physically worn down and don't have anything to look forward to when I get home, except the baby. There is no sexual attraction to her and the spice that originally attracted me to her is gone. I feel as if I'm aging rapidly now. I am usually a very outgoing happy go luck guy, but now I feel suffocated and defeated all the time.

Her family is wealthy and often I feel inadequet when it comes to supporting our family + she makes sure to remind me how my inlaws are all so succesful and I'm not. I am an artist and money is not the most important thing to me but without it we can't keep up so I work about 70 hours a week to give her what she wants.

 

Would it be wrong for me to have some alone time? Recently when she has left for the weekend with her family, or I visited my parents (out of town) I felt very liberated. I also went out with a buddy for a night out on the town (for the first time in around 6 months) and it felt great. Maybe we just spend too much time together. I have aged 10 years in the past 5 and now have streaks of grey in my hair.

 

I feel I could drag through this marriage forever but I have to think that there is someone out there that shares my same interests and ideas. My partner and I are completely different people and it is really showing now. I can't even bring up a cpnversation that lasts longer than a few minutes. Our common interests were fronts for us to get married and have a child but that has run out now.

 

Financially I would be screwed if I got a divorce at this point. We live OK because of our dual income but independently we would be hurting and I really want my boy to live in a home instead of an apartment or bad neigborhood. My own lifestyle would take a dive too, but it's my son I really care about. I also worry about my wife. She has no friends beyond my own friends because she is such an isolated and quiet woman. In a sick way I kind of hope she finds someone else that can take care of her and take the burden off of me for supporting her + could make her happy.

 

Just not sure what to do at this point and it feels as if any move is "all or nothing" at the same time I think if I stay in this marriage I will end up cheating on her if the oppurtunity arises.

 

-MrPhotographer

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I would say marriage counselling is the best thing for you both.

 

It may help you understand each other more, improve the relationship. Or it may help you to both come to the decision that this is not working anymore, and hopefully soften the blow and make the process of a split easier to bear. The thing with any counselling though, is that you get out of it what you put into it. It may take a while to come to any answers.

 

Either way, at least you can say you tried. Do you think your wife would be willing to do this? Are you?

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MrPhotographer

I am just wondering if there is something I can do as an individual. She is happy right now and loves me very much. The problem lies soley with me in my mind.

 

-Mr Photographer

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MrPhotographer

Ok - its a big assumption, but she seems to be. She lets me know that she is very happy and always tells me I am a good husband and father. If we always argued I think it would make everything more straightforward in the goal for a resolve. The problem is I see her as a good friend, not a lover right now. I don't want to sound too egotisitical, but I am very easy to get along with. I don't think I give any outward signs of anything being wrong, and with the baby the focus isn't on me as much. In any case this has been very gradual. It hasn't been a night and day difference.

 

-Mr Photographer

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I'd still tell her you're not happy but you want to seek marriage counselling for yourselves. Stop pretending everything is ok.

 

It may hurt her, but what will hurt her more is if you up and leave without giving it a chance, or having an affair.

 

She may even surprise you by saying she's not happy either.

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whichwayisup

Can you see yourself falling back in love with your wife? With the help of MC it could really help...Or do you feel so far gone that it would be best to part ways. DO you want to make it work?

 

Once one person decides it is over, it's hard to make it work.

 

Anyway, I think a weekend away, just the two of you could help. Atleast just so you both can have some alone time to talk and/or BE together.

 

Hope it gets better.

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ready2moveon26

I have a few questions for you...How old are you? How old is your wife? You say you've been married 5 years? How long were you together before you got married? How old is your baby?

I am asking these questions because I see a lot of my husband in what you are saying. Actually, I should say my soon to be exhusband. If I can help you out from my experience that would be great and if you can help me out by letting me know your thoughts and feelings that would be great too!...you can contact me directly at my username at yahoo.

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Hi, im a new member. I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation minus the child. I've been married to my wife for 5 years, and feel that I got married too young. I love my wife, but I am not In love with her. My wife has very few friends and I worry what she will do with out me. She is not currently employed, and has no family in this country and I am the only person she can turn to and depend on. I have also cheated on my wife. I want and am considering getting a divorce, because I know that what I do is not fair to her, and I dont know how to bring it up to my wife. I know it will devestate her cuz she still says she loves me and stuff like that. The only thing that I know for sure is that we are at a crossroad right now, and the future depends on which path we take.

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Look up the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Steve Harley. Sounds silly, but trust me, I'd bet money that if you could convince her that YOU need this, and sat and read it with her, it would do the two of you a world of good. Also look at "The Five Languages of Love"...don't remember who the author is. Seriously, what you're going through isn't that uncommon...and it's recoverable. The problem is that you both need to start WORKING on meeting each other's needs. Most people assume that a marriage will just maintain itself, but reality is that you need to put into it to get out of it...and if one or the other of you isn't doing that, then you'll find yourself in the situation you're in now. Good luck!

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MrPhotographer

Wow - there are alot of replies to this...

 

I have a few questions for you...How old are you? How old is your wife? - We are both 28 right now.

 

You say you've been married 5 years? How long were you together before you got married?

- I knew her for 2 before we got married but we dated for ~1 year and then had a 1 year engagement.

 

How old is your baby?

- less than a year old

 

I am asking these questions because I see a lot of my husband in what you are saying. Actually, I should say my soon to be exhusband. If I can help you out from my experience that would be great and if you can help me out by letting me know your thoughts and feelings that would be great too!...you can contact me directly at my username at yahoo.

I don't feel as if its neither of our faults, but the fact that she still loves me dearly makes things VERY tough. A mutual breakup I could handle.

 

6string - I do concur with you. However my wife has a great family, so I don't worry about that end of the deal. I'm more worried about the baby to tell the truth. I too think I got married too young and some of my friends that I confide in have said the same thing. I have not cheated though.

 

I did ask her if she was happy recently and she gave me a solid yes, but the conversation went south when I tried to talk about our differences. I made every effort to not make it a confrontation but I felt it going south fast so I dropped it.

 

In any case I just feel the same thing - we're buddie and not lovers. I just keep thinking about divorce every day and seeing other people that I think I would have more in common with. Maybe I need to spend some more time with some friends and take a break? Not like every night but just like a weekend or Friday night away. Does that ever help?

 

Owl I will take a look at the books you mentioned...

 

-Mr Photographer

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[color=darkblue]Sounds like you're thinking a lot about divorce.... you really should pick up the books that Owl mentioned. The Five Love Languages is by Gary Chapman - I am reading that one right now (recommended to me by a fine member of LS); it really makes a lot of sense. It may seem impossible to make things better at this point, but perhaps that's because you just don't know how. If you could make things great with her again, would you?[/color]

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MrPhotographer

I'm a verey optimistic person. Besides that I feel it is worth every effort possible to give my child a better life. On the otherhand my parents are still married but have nothing to do with each other. I don't want to be in that position. I will take a look at the mentioned book and see how it goes I guess.

 

-Mr Photographer

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ready2moveon26

The reason I asked those questions is because you sound like my husband. I am 27 and he is 28. We are separated now and have been for a little over a year. We have a 4 year old daughter that kept us together too long. It was hardest on me because I do love him with all my heart. I totally relate to your wife. We separated one other time when our daughter was 2 but got back together after 3 months. That time, he woke me up one morning and said, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to be married anymore...I was to say the least, shocked. I had NO idea it was coming. My husband did cheat on me a few times and I caught him and all I did was cheat right back. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I wanted to stay with him forever so I thought I should "get him back" so we'd be even and would be able to move on with our lives. We stopped our cheating and had a great talk on our third anniversary which was in July. That year for my birthday, my husband bought me a new engagement ring and was to buy me a new wedding band for Christmas, but he didn't because money was tight. He talked me into quitting my job (it was very far from home and we were spending more on gas and day care) and when I did, he harassed me about not having a job. He decided that if I didn't have a job by a certain day (like two days away) then he'd start driving my car to work, so I'd be stuck at home all day. I couldn't drive his car cause it was HUGE and a piece of ****. So I stayed home and as soon as he'd get off work, I would go out looking for a job. In February, he got fired from his job, so we were both unemployed. We had to stay home and be together a lot because we didn't have the money to go anywhere. It didn't last much longer after that. He was hanging out with a girl from work who he claimed was helping him get a job. I knew there was more. She called one night and he left. I asked if he was coming back and he said yes. That is the night I packed my bag for the second time. Our daughter was at my parents house for the night and I was leaving him. When he finally got home, I was sitting on the couch with my coat on and my bag was by the door. He asked what was going on and I said, I can't do this anymore. I was done. We decided that I'd leave that night and he'd leave the next day. He begged me not to go to my parents house because he didn't want them to know what was going on. I had an interview the next morning so I went to a friend's house. When I got home, he was asleep in our bed. I told him I was going to my interview and I wanted him gone when I got home. He was...I was very hurt, but I could not deal with a life like that any longer. So what I am saying is...please...don't drag your wife along...you need to talk to her...you need to tell her how you feel and it will be hard on her...it has been VERY hard on me. We've been separated over a year and have not done anything about it. Just last week, I filed for child support. He gets our daughter every other weekend and we're friends now, but I still love him with all my heart. I have somewhat moved on with my life, but not really because I can't trust anyone. Please...coming from a woman that was in your wife's shoes...talk to her.

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MrPhotographer

Yikes. That's terrible, I really feel for you. I absolutely will not cheat on her. Believe me, I have had MANY oppurtunities due to my field of work but my conciense is too overpowering. I'm still trying to work through everything but I would tell her it was over before I could bring myself to become involved with anyone else. I have thought about it, but the thought of hurting her in that manner is unthinkable to me, even if I am drifting away. It would be unfair to HER even if it felt right to me.

 

I don't want to come off as too much of a goody two shoes, though. The fact that I can't talk about this is terrible on my behalf, I just don't want to agrivate the situation by bringing other people into it.

 

-Mr Photographer

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ready2moveon26

I'm glad not all men are exactly like my husband...I'm glad you have the courtesy not to cheat. This has really messed me up though...I have trouble trusting everyone now. The man that I love...the man that I married...the man that I planned to spend the rest of my life with...and more importantly now...the man that is the father of my child has hurt me. I do love him...and every time I try to move on and meet other people...when they show an interest in me...I freak out and find something about them I don't like and find a reason to avoid them...they usually give up after a month or so...He has really hurt me. The minute I think I'm really ready, I meet a guy that is a jerk and is only after sex...I could have sex every day of the week...but that isn't what I want either.

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whichwayisup
I'm a verey optimistic person. Besides that I feel it is worth every effort possible to give my child a better life. On the otherhand my parents are still married but have nothing to do with each other. I don't want to be in that position. I will take a look at the mentioned book and see how it goes I guess.

 

-Mr Photographer

 

No, you don't want to be in that position. Fiancially it makes sense, but emotionally it is NOT good for any child to grow up seeing the folks 'live separate lives' yet 'live together'. Children learn from an early age about love, relationships and later in life compare their own relationships to what their parents have/had.

 

In any case I just feel the same thing - we're buddie and not lovers. I just keep thinking about divorce every day and seeing other people that I think I would have more in common with.

 

DO you want to fall back into love with her? Or are you ready to move on and find someone else. Alot of deciding to do, maybe councilling will help.

 

Ready2moveon, therapy could help you too. Especially with the trust issues you have now. I'm sure it's a real hard place to be in and always wonder the 'what if...' worse case senario. I hope you work through this.

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