How do I ask my wife if she's having an affair?

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Your simple mentality would have us never speak to the Japanese or Germans again. I have to wonder when over simplistic people post on here, I really do.

 

 

That would be quite pleasant actually, but I digress.

 

 

So recap-

-James thinks wife is having affair

-Discovers messages

-Discovers panties with cum

-I, personally, think he's in denial

-Wife sleeps with him with no protection

-OP admits he had an affair which she never found out

-Which leaves us to think she had no revenge fantasies

-Wife probably gets off the cuckold idea

-James tests panties and indeed it is cum

-Denial sets in but I forgive him. I think we should all encourage him to test another pair of panties

-We should also help him realize what he wants. We can't just place all the blame on her since he's also to blame. We can encourage him to either

 

A-Divorce

B-Reconciliation

C-Cuckoldry

 

But we should all try to REASON with him instead of just forcing our opinions down his throat-no pun intended

 

Again, he should tell us what he wants first as this is a VERY grey area.

[anika99]

Da da, what are you on about? He came here asking a question, he has got answers. We are listening, but to the question not to the birds. His wife, if I have to be brutal, is walking round with another mans cum inside her and she has also been sleeping with James. It's disgusting, and the fact she's let him in with no protection, whilst girlishly teasing and flirting with him is unforgivable. It does not matter about his past, she never knew so this is not revenge.

You need to wake up, the past is not a factor in this, at all. Your simple mentality would have us never speak to the Japanese or Germans again. I have to wonder when over simplistic people post on here, I really do.

 

 

I don't know what you are talking about. Are you referring to her having an affair and still having a sexual relationship with her husband? How do you know James didn't do the very same thing? How do you know that he didn't screw his OW and his wife on the very same day? How do you know that he didn't kiss his wife right after having those lips on the other woman's vagina, or that he didn't stick his dick in his wife right after it had been inside the OW? He carried on an affair for 4 months while deceiving his wife. He is no better than her. I find it funny that you consider her cheating somehow worse than his.

 

 

He can kick her out if he wants to. That's his right to exercise if he so chooses, but if he wants to reconcile then he needs to be honest and confess his own affair.

[petee]

Anika, wrong. They're unrelated.

[Selfish]

The hypocrisy and misogyny on this thread is incredible. There is no moral high ground here. They have both cheated. It doesn't mean forgiveness is necessary but for him to turn into the vicious a**hole suggested knowing all along he is no better than her? Wrong on so many levels.

 

OP, My suggestion if you haven't confronted yet is to confess your affair to her. And then see what her response is. IT could be very telling of whether you have an honest chance at R or not if she fesses up to her own or uses your confession to treat you like scum (much like everyone is suggesting you do but I hope you are not that terrible of a person). Her cheating is entirely on her and she needs to take responsibility for it. But you aren't innocent of your own wrong doing and need to take 100% responsibility for yours and be honest. Punishing her for her indiscretion and not fessing up to your own? Not justifiable at all.

[sidney2718]

What do you do now?

 

How did we know you wouldn't have a plan in place when that gross evidence came back as positive for cheating?

 

 

You kick her out and tell her you don't intend to live with a gross cheater who swishes around all day at work with semen in her panties!

 

 

Then change the locks, close bank accounts and credit cards and file for divorce.

 

You don't have a marriage. She ruined it day after day with blatant cheating!

 

Give her $100 and tell her to figure out where to go.

 

 

Then take plenty of time to cool off...but not with her hanging around to convince you she didn't do the nasty everyday at work with her boss.

 

Please don't give advice like this. It depends on the state one lives in, but in most of them this is illegal. For instance if the OP and the WS jointly own their residence, throwing her out and changing the locks can bring the OP a visit from the police with a restraining order on your behavior. This will not help the divorce.

 

The correct thing is to consult an attorney. Yes it will cost money (though some offer a free consultation first) but it will save you money in the long run.

 

The only exception is if the OP and the WS can agree to file a collaborative divorce (allowed in some states) and can divide everything up to everyone's satisfaction.

[sidney2718]

Yes but they both cheated, but if we are splitting hairs she has committed the even more cardinal sin of cuckolding him by going with him after she has been with the other man. That is...well, there are simply no words for how disrespectful and malicious that is.

 

Whilst they both have cheated (and I have very little sympathy for the OP in that sense) the wife here has crossed the line and that alone, if it were me, would rule out any sort of reconciliation.

 

But how do we know that the OP didn't come home after being with the OW and have sex with his wife?

 

My guess is that both of them have crossed that "line" -- which doesn't mean too much unless you regard your wife as property.

[beach]

I wouldn't even present it as a question...

 

I'd state it as a fact. And then present what YOUR plan is to her.

 

 

 

You knew when you were collecting her panties that those were the days when she had no reason to have her undies looking like THAT...yet they did look like that was your evidence. So no need to start questioning your evidence at this late juncture.

 

I think you're still trying to find SOME way of justifying her cheating.

[Chi townD]

The hypocrisy and misogyny on this thread is incredible. There is no moral high ground here. They have both cheated. It doesn't mean forgiveness is necessary but for him to turn into the vicious a**hole suggested knowing all along he is no better than her? Wrong on so many levels.

 

 

Misogyny?!?!? Really?!?! You can take that feminism bullsh*t out the door. Unless you consider people pointing out the FACT that she's a cheater and are calling her out on it as misogyny. AND YEAH! I know he cheated too. But, that doesn't make this thread misogynistic.

 

 

Give me a break.....

Edited December 6, 2014 by Chi townD

[NateGrey]

I see no misogyny, they are both guilty of cheating, it just seems the Husband stopped and the W has not stopped. That doesn't really give him much of a high ground, but there it is.

[anika99]

Misogyny?!?!? Really?!?! You can take that feminism bullsh*t out the door. Unless you consider people pointing out the FACT that she's a cheater and are calling her out on it as misogyny. AND YEAH! I know he cheated too. But, that doesn't make this thread misogynistic.

 

 

Give me a break.....

 

 

We know she cheated and nobody is saying it's okay! Nobody is saying the OP shouldn't confront her and call her out on her behavior. It's the people saying that he should call her filthy names and throw her panties in her face and punish her all while secretly knowing he did the same thing to her, who sound misogynistic. There are people on this thread who have come right out and said her affair is worse than his yet they can't seem to articulate why it's worse which leaves me to believe that they simply believe that a woman cheating on her husband is worse than a man cheating on his wife which, I'm sorry, is misogynistic.

 

 

As I said before he can ditch her if he wants to but he should at least be a man and own up to his own affair.

[anika99]

I see no misogyny, they are both guilty of cheating, it just seems the Husband stopped and the W has not stopped. That doesn't really give him much of a high ground, but there it is.

 

 

Well he banged his OW for 4 months. Maybe she's only been banging her OM for 1 month and maybe she will stop after 2 months. Then she can be righteously indignant that she only cheated for 2 months while her husband screwed around for 4. Does that make sense? NOBODY has any higher moral ground in this situation. They are both liars and cheaters and whatever pain and humiliation you (general you) think she deserves, he deserves the same. He doesn't get a free pass just because he never got caught.

[Selfish]

We know she cheated and nobody is saying it's okay! Nobody is saying the OP shouldn't confront her and call her out on her behavior. It's the people saying that he should call her filthy names and throw her panties in her face and punish her all while secretly knowing he did the same thing to her, who sound misogynistic. There are people on this thread who have come right out and said her affair is worse than his yet they can't seem to articulate why it's worse which leaves me to believe that they simply believe that a woman cheating on her husband is worse than a man cheating on his wife which, I'm sorry, is misogynistic.

 

 

As I said before he can ditch her if he wants to but he should at least be a man and own up to his own affair.

 

^This.

 

Whether someone denies it exists or not. Misogyny is alive and rampant in our world. And in western culture so is misandry. I don't deny its existence. But there is none of that in this thread. Just people doing as Anika said. No, not everyone. But I was calling out the ones that did. Cheating isn't worse because a woman does it. And a betrayed wife doesn't hurt less than a betrayed husband. She cheated and in order for there to be a chance at reconciliation needs to take ownership for it.

 

But

 

Encouraging the OP to belittle her, trying to tell him her actions were worse, actually suggesting illegal things, and then pretending it doesn't matter that he himself has a dirty little secret? That is wrong. If he were to do anything of things, he would be a hypocrite. And it boggles my mind why the "flame her" crowd can't see the double standard here.

[Chi townD]

We know she cheated and nobody is saying it's okay! Nobody is saying the OP shouldn't confront her and call her out on her behavior. It's the people saying that he should call her filthy names and throw her panties in her face and punish her all while secretly knowing he did the same thing to her, who sound misogynistic. There are people on this thread who have come right out and said her affair is worse than his yet they can't seem to articulate why it's worse which leaves me to believe that they simply believe that a woman cheating on her husband is worse than a man cheating on his wife which, I'm sorry, is misogynistic.

 

 

As I said before he can ditch her if he wants to but he should at least be a man and own up to his own affair.

 

 

And some people can't seem to wrap their head around the fact that they are on the Loveshack infidelity subforum where there are a lot of people that have been hurt by infidelity themselves and reading this situation may cause them to trigger.

 

 

I speculate that this is a case of people triggering and lashing out rather than misogyny. I mean, how would you feel if I said that your comment had some tones of being a little misandrist? You probably wouldn't like it too much.

[Chi townD]

 

Whether someone denies it exists or not. Misogyny is alive and rampant in our world.

 

 

And so is Misandry!!!

[Selfish]

And so is Misandry!!!

 

I said that... but you chose to crop that part out. And the part where both Anika and I pointed out what truly was misogynist elements to this thread. I never said everyone. I clarified that I never said anyone. I almost wonder why you protest so much? If perhaps you do feel that his affair was not as bad as hers because she is the female and he the male. If you feel that he should be encouraged to treat her ill all the while knowing that he himself screwed around behind her back and never came clean about it, then I think you probably should ask yourself why you think this line of thinking is okay.

 

But if you don't feel that way then my post was not directed to you and your attack was uncalled for. If you do not feel that way then perhaps you need to reread what I have written. All of it and not just one line. We have agreed. Misandry and misogyny exsist. They often are easy to spot in the written world. So, Why so defensive when someone calls it out?

[Chi townD]

Sorry, misogyny and misandry are too strong of words to use in a place like this where people are hurt and looking for help. I've been here a while and I love this place because people come together; men, women, gay folks and bi-sexual folks to look for help when they're hurting. And I've seen incredible people reaching out and helping them cope with what's going on in their lives and offer support and advice for no other reason other than to help because they've been there themselves.

 

 

Misogyny and misandry means hate. And I'll be damned if someone so going to try and tell me that this is a hate forum. Or is a breeding ground for hate. Sometimes people do trigger, it's part of the deal, but when you read enough threads, you tend to see who's triggering and who isn't. You disregard the post of someone triggering and write it up as them venting and you take away the posts that are actually helpful.

[Realist3]

This thread has nothing to do with misogyny or misandry. His previous cheating has nothing to do with it either.

[happyman64]

James

 

Just wanted to drop you a line and see how you are doing?

 

No matter what be firm, cool, dispassionate and show her consequences.

 

Get the truth.

 

Then ask your wife the hard questions.

 

HM

[Keats]

Serves him right. He deserves his wife.

 

Let his wife go through the process of being accountable.

 

Let judge james who did the same crime - hold another accountable without holding himself to account.

 

If I was James I would just end the marriage or reveal his own sin after revealing hers.

 

For people who are hurt and triggering all over the place focus on the wife but focus on the husband too.

[anika99]

And some people can't seem to wrap their head around the fact that they are on the Loveshack infidelity subforum where there are a lot of people that have been hurt by infidelity themselves and reading this situation may cause them to trigger.

 

 

I speculate that this is a case of people triggering and lashing out rather than misogyny. I mean, how would you feel if I said that your comment had some tones of being a little misandrist? You probably wouldn't like it too much.

 

 

That's fine. I can accept that some people are possibly triggering and still hurting and they are posting from that place. I personally don't approve of cheating in a marriage in way or form and I normally have great empathy for people who have been betrayed.

 

 

And I'm not attacking James. I don't wish him harm, nor do I wish his wife harm. I hope they both get themselves sorted out. All I'm saying is that if James is going to hold his wife accountable for cheating and/or the end of his marriage then he needs to hold himself accountable too. He can't attack or humiliate his wife for cheating while keeping it a secret that he did the same thing she did. Especially not if he wants to reconcile. If he doesn't want to reconcile that's fine too. Since they have both cheated and betrayed each other it's quite possible that this marriage just needs to end. If he decides to divorce and still doesn't want to fess up to his own cheating then I don't think he should tell anybody his wife cheated either. Just divorce amicably and get on with life.

[happyman64]

How about everyone calming down and waiting for James to return with an update.

 

Give him sound advice. He came here for help.

 

Sure he cheated. He stopped.

 

Now the shoe is in the other foot and he is asking for sound advice from us.

 

We stopped burning witches a long time ago people.

 

Let's help James get to the truth first.

 

HM

[smackie9]

Ya you guys stop hi-jacking this thread. Lets get back on track here and help the OP deal with his discovery. Past cheater or not, this is a difficult time for him and his marriage. This is why we should be here....for some support and advice.

[anika99]

Ya you guys stop hi-jacking this thread. Lets get back on track here and help the OP deal with his discovery. Past cheater or not, this is a difficult time for him and his marriage. This is why we should be here....for some support and advice.

 

 

Agreed....

[NateGrey]

Nobody said misogyny isn't a thing that exists in the world. Does it exist in this thread? No, not really. As someone else said, I think you are confusing misogyny with all around bitterness.

 

Also realize people here are not trained professionals adept at setting their emotions 100% aside. I think that is the key point people miss the most. This is not a forum full of psychiatrists and it is an unfortunate risk you take when you go posting stuff like this online.

[Realist3]

Nobody said misogyny isn't a thing that exists in the world. Does it exist in this thread? No, not really. As someone else said, I think you are confusing misogyny with all around bitterness.

 

Also realize people here are not trained professionals adept at setting their emotions 100% aside. I think that is the key point people miss the most. This is not a forum full of psychiatrists and it is an unfortunate risk you take when you go posting stuff like this online.

 

 

Boy, you sure know how to suck the wind out of some people's sails that like to play like psychiatrists on the internet, don't you? Good post.