zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Ok, long time reader, first time poster. I would love some advice here so if anyone could spare some i'd be eternally grateful. Basically, I work in an office, i'm 31, and have a massive, almost obessive crush on a girl that works here. She is just.. awesome, she likes the same things I do and is so jaw-droppingly hot, it drives me insane. We get along well and i've hung out with her a few times at social things for work, but she's only 21 and sometimes it feels like a huge difference coz she doesn't get all my references or jokes sometimes, even though I have had her cracking up a few times and we have a good laugh together, it feels like at this stage in my life i should probably stop chasing girls that age... But, I just find myself stuck in this obsessive loop of judging every other girl against her, I lay awake at night wondering how/if/when I could have a chance with her. The other day I found out she's slept with another guy who works here, he's a great dude and i'm not at all surprised, but I feel full of hate fuelled rage since finding out, like, it's not fair, why him, how did he do it? All those questions. This is out of character behavior for me, I'm not dangerous or imbalanced and I would never, ever put her in a situation where she's aware of how much she drives me crazy, but it's kind of doing my head in that I can't stop thinking about her, and that feeling that if I never get to sleep with her, my life will be incomplete. What the hell is this madness and how do I keep my head screwed on straight?? Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 The other day I found out she's slept with another guy who works here How did you find that out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Her friend here told me, I don't have any reason to suspect she would lie about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Well, you can either hang back and continue to let this crush consume you, or you can take some action and show her you're interested in hopes of getting some of that energy back. Why not ramp up the flirting with her a little? And try to hang out with her outside of work? See how she responds to that. You already recognize that you're facing an uphill battle due to your age difference and the fact that she's apparently slept with another guy in your office. So your expectations don't seem unrealistic. But you might as well give this a try so you can see where you stand. You don't want to be beating yourself up later about missed chances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yeah and I have no problem upping the flirting or asking her to hang out outside of work, it's just I feel so out of her league (physically anyway, I know I would treat her well, i'm a nice guy!), that i'm worried about how I would handle the rejection? I'm fine with it normally, but in this case it feels so much more intense and scary.. Like, if I get that clear NO from her, i'll respect that and not make it awkward for her, but then I will know I don't have a chance and then what? I just have to work 3 meters away from her and try and let it go? Ouch. Link to post Share on other sites
goldbond Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yeah I'm not sure I would go for that...simply because you work together. If she rejects you and you have to see her everyday, be honest, can you handle that? Also sorry maybe I'm jaded but the girl is 21. She probably has no idea what she wants and it seems like you want more-not just a fling. I don't really see this ending well, but that's just me. I'd advise you find someone else to sleep with... Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thanks for the advice! You're right, I don't think I could handle that, but i'm also not going a very good job of handling the crush I have on her either. While I would agree the age difference could be a thing due to her not really knowing what she wants, I don't want a relationship with her, I'm actually more concerned with how badly I took hearing someone else here slept with her and the jealousy I felt because of it. I wanna sleep with her, too! Haha Link to post Share on other sites
goldbond Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thanks for the advice! You're right, I don't think I could handle that, but i'm also not going a very good job of handling the crush I have on her either. While I would agree the age difference could be a thing due to her not really knowing what she wants, I don't want a relationship with her, I'm actually more concerned with how badly I took hearing someone else here slept with her and the jealousy I felt because of it. I wanna sleep with her, too! Haha I see. Well, if she is smart she wont sleep with you anyway because for someone to sleep with two people in the same office...not great, people talk. Depending upon how laid back your office is. But you could casually pursue it then and see how it goes. That way if there is a rejection it wouldn't be an obvious one, but you would have to read her signs (like not replying to your texts and the like) Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yeah, I could give a **** if people talk, in fact, i'd love for people to be talking about that haha! Look, I know this is weird and creepy, she's barely an adult you know? I know I should just leave it, but it's DRIVING ME NUTS. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Well, yeah, if you try with her and fail, things will definitely get more awkward in the office, not to mention the sting you'll feel from the rejection. But it seems like you're already dealing with an unbearable, borderline miserable situation at your workplace by nursing this obsessive crush. So it's not like you'd be f*cking up a positive, healthy state of affairs. I do think you'd need to be really subtle/careful. You don't want to go full-throttle and scare her off. You also don't want her to be telling stories around the office about your clumsy attempts to hit on her. Just try to talk to her more, joke around with her, tease her a little, and make a lot of eye contact. Ask her questions and learn more about her. And be realistic with yourself about whether she's responding positively to all that. Don't delude yourself if she's not digging it. As far as hanging out outside the office, definitely don't ask her on a "date" or anything like that... but could you maybe arrange a group thing with several coworkers and make sure she's involved? Or you could even try for something with a group of your non-work friends, like "Hey, someone in my group bailed and we have an extra ticket to ___... asking around if anybody wants to join." Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thank you, i appreciate that. I've hung with her at some work social things and we've had a great time, if i wasn't so insecure in myself i'd take all of those interactions as really positive signs, but I just can't believe that she would actually be interested in me that way. I kinda already have asked her on a "date", or at least to hang 1 on 1 outside of work, she was super keen and sounded happy I asked her, but every time i've followed up with that she said she's been busy or went out and got wrecked the night before. It's just scary the rage I felt when I found out someone else hooked up with her. Maybe getting a flat out no from her WOULD be the best thing, coz right now this limbo is killing me. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Keep reminding yourself that this hookup between the girl and your other coworker had absolutely NOTHING to do with you personally. It just happened to launch a wrecking ball into your little fantasy world. Your private crush might make you feel some attachment and ownership of this girl, but those feelings have no basis in reality. It sounds like that hookup happened fairly recently? If so, I promise you that THAT is the office dynamic this girl is most concerned with right now. She could be having any range of reactions to that -- whether it's embarrassment and regret or interest in pursuing something more with him. Or she could even be stringing that guy along for kicks, who knows. Don't for a moment think that this is the right time for you to swoop in and win her over. Showing her slow, steady, subtle interest is the best you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yep, I agree a slow, calculated campaign of terror.. I mean subtle flirting (haha) is the best way to go. But from what I understand this happened a while ago with this other guy and nothing came of it. I don't THINK she's still hung up on it at all. I will absolutely agree with you that this whole fantasy is just that, and I do need to be reminded of that before I lost my ****, so thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I kinda already have asked her on a "date", or at least to hang 1 on 1 outside of work, she was super keen and sounded happy I asked her, but every time i've followed up with that she said she's been busy or went out and got wrecked the night before. Take the hint bro...she aint interested Girls, especially young girls won't say "no" to a date, but make excuses to avoid when push comes to shove...guess what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zer0entity Posted November 26, 2014 Author Share Posted November 26, 2014 Yeah, you're probably right. Ah well, not gonna spend any more time worrying about it. Her loss! Thanks everyone, very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) Yes, her rejection and not offering hope during follow up is a clear no, I'm afraid. She can't be too firm with you because you're a coworker, so she's trying to soften the rejection but it's still a rejection. You'd have been a nut case if you got with her and then it ended, which it would have because she's 21, so this isn't exactly goof for your career either. But if you strive to not be overly friendly or at all personal with her now and just maintain a mature coworker politeness with her, you'll be fine. At this point, now you can't even be as flirty or social with her as you were before or she'll assume you're not taking no for an answer. So pull all the way back to just being polite when you pass in the hall and polite when doing business with her and don't get personal. I saw a guy completely crack up at a car dealership I worked at over a crush. She was married and in the military, but she was a scuzzbo and definitely cheating on her husband. Anyway, this earnest guy got a bad crush on her and she snuck around with him at work. It was almost like she thought it was her job, so maybe it was. Pretty sure she was doing favors for the floor manager, because he was certainly doing them for her, making her money for doing no work. Anyway, they thought they were being so secretive, but literally everyone knew. One night they were both missing and someone was looking for them. They were out in the garage in the back of a car doing lord knows what. Anyway, not long after that, probably when she told him she wasn't going to leave her husband for him, she just cracked up at work and quit work and everything. One thing people involved don't think about is what this does to office morale. If two people working together are sexually involved, it's a fair bet one or the other is getting some special treatment, mainly if one is higher in rank. That makes other employees mad but they can't say anything about it. It's just pretty destructive in the office. Edited November 26, 2014 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts