He's gone and everyday i'm struggling.

[tillytulip]

I have been together with this guy for about 2 years and he is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and i honestly thought he was the one i'd have a future with him except that he wasn't officially divorced yet (he claims to still be married cos of his young daughter). Through out the whole relationship i had tried many times to just walk away but i always gave in in the end, he tried to slit his wrists to hurt himself or threatened to jump off the building. He said it didn't matter since i wanted to leave him. Still he was loving, supportive and he was always there for me and he spent all his time with me and made me felt like happiest girl in the world. Hsaid he wanted to marry me, wants me to meet his sister who knew about us and he brought me to his company events and introduced me to everyone as his wife

We eventually moved in together for a year and a half. We went through a pregnancy which turned into a miscarriage, me losing my job and us struggling to pay our bills. Meanwhile his wife and daughter are in Indonesia. He has been working in the US for 3 years and he goes back for a week or two every 2 or 3 months. He told me a few times during our arguments that he really loves me and wants to be with me but he wish he could have both lives, here and back home i should have known earlier.

 

The first time his wife found out about us, and he tried to end things between us, went away for 2 weeks to settle things with his wife and eventually sought me out again. Everything went back to how it was before, his wife wanted a divorce and he wanted me to give him some time to do it.

 

And then his wife found out about us a second time recently, she came to US with their daughter, found out where we live came up to our place and chased me out of the apartment. Whole time i was sitting and crying in the driveway with my clothes and belongings strewn all over the street. And then he got in the car and frantically went after his wife tried to make up with her the whole night. And now they've got it sorted out. She is staying there with him, they're settling his contract at his company so he can resign and go back home. And all my attempts to contact him for the past week has been futile, he refuse to see me, he shut me out and blocked my calls. Until one day when i tried calling him at his office, he then hurriedly told me it was over. That he can't do this. That it was a mistake, it was his fault. And that he realised how much his family mattered to him now. And then he hung up.

 

He was my world, my everything and i needed him like he was my oxygen. He made me felt so special that i actually believed him when he said he couldn't live without me. I have thought of my actions and what i have done for his family unit, i was selfish but i wanted him even though i knew he would never be mine. I am sorry for my actions and have decided to sever all ties with him since.

 

Right now I just want to move on, but the hurt is still too great and i can't do anything besides lie on the bed and cry like a mad woman for the past few weeks. Everything seemed to remind me of him, after all we were inseperable and did everything together. Every night i'll sit at my balcony till i fall asleep with my phone on my hand in case there was a call or text from him. I felt like a part of me died when i stopped seeing him. I wondered if i would ever get to see him again, i made up excuses for his actions, i tried to comfort myself by thinking he would realise how much i meant to him and come back like he did the last time. And sometimes i was on the verge of taking my own life, because my life is now empty and hopeless with nothing to hold on to. I figured if i did it i may somehow find a way back into his heart again. At least if he knows that i'm dead, i'll get to have his attention even if it's just for a little while. I'll get to watch over him for the rest of his life and wait for him till his time is up.

 

I don't know what to do with my life, i just want to sleep and never wake up, maybe if i do that it wouldn't hurt anymore.

[eye of the storm]

First things first.

 

Get off this forum and call 1-800-273-8255 it is a suicide hotline. Then call a friend/family to come over and stay with you till you can get into some therapy and are a bit more stable.

 

Honey, I have been there. Lying on the floor just wishing the pain would go away. At the bottom of a pit unable and unwilling to even try to get out. I am not going to lie, it was hard and took a long time to get out of that pit. But with the help of my friends, my family, my therapist, and some serious pharmaceuticals...I made it. You can to.

 

One of the things (there is a laundry list, this is just one) that helped me was I got angry. Very very angry. You should too.

 

This guy threatened to kill himself if you left him but the second his wife made his life a bit uncomfortable, he blocked you at every access point.

 

This is not someone who is worth your life or deserves your death. He is weak and cowardly. AND HE LIED TO YOU over and over and over again. This is who you want to spend eternity with?

 

Put the phone down, hit the gym, eat a moon pie and drink a glass of wine, get a cat/dog/fish/bird. Take a hulu-hoop to the park and try to roller-skate while huluing. Trust me, you won't get far and you will fall constantly. But you will laugh again. Make plans, some for tomorrow, and some for next week and some for next year.

 

Even if the plan for tomorrow is get up and shower. It is planned and you have to do it.

 

Every time he crosses your mind remind yourself he IS weak and cowardly. You gave him your heart and he threw it away. This is not someone you want to waste any more time on.

 

Put sticky notes everywhere that say things like today will be better or I am going to make it or I am worth more How about "I have value"

 

Because you do.

 

Call the hotline. You are too valuable to let go.

[gettingstronger]

I agree- if you are suicidal, even a little- call and get help now-

 

What this man did to you is cruel and uncalled for- you are dealing with the aftermath of a very hurtful situation- take care of you first and then deal with the rest later-

[Poppy47]

Even if you are not coping with normal life ,for any reason, you should some support and medical advice.

all my best ,

Poppy.

[GirlStillStrong]

Read EyeoftheStorm's post again. She is so right. I, too, have been at the bottom of that pit, long ago. And let me tell you, you need to begin to see this guy for who he really is. I don't think you do. You say he is amazing but he doesn't sound amazing to me. Once you can see clearly, you will see that he is not what you think he is. And your relationship would not be what you think it would be. Please reach out for help and do not allow yourself to be alone. This is the time to learn about yourself. Therapy is awesome when you are going through this kind of thing. Take care of yourself.

[violet1]

Oh sweetie, I have been there. I know how it feels for the pain to be so overwhelming that ending it all seems to be the only way. However, ending your life is not the answer. He is NOT worth it.

 

 

You came here asking for advice which is a great first step. The next step is for you to see your doctor. An antidepressant could help. I'm on one and it works wonders. I also strongly suggest a therapist. Just take day at a time. I promise you that your heart will heal. No more calling or texting him. You don't need him. One day you will find a real man who will truly love you.

 

 

Take care of yourself and please let us know how you're doing.

[tillytulip]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging advice, this is a wonderful forum and reading the stories of other OW/OM has taught to me to accept the damaging, one-sidedness of my relationship. It's been a week of NC since the break up. I'll be starting my therapy soon but as of now, i'm doing better. Suicide is no longer on my mind and i'm crying a lot lesser but i'm still trying to come to terms with the break up. I still find myself thinking of him sometimes and hoping for him to call. I'm afraid that hope is not always a good thing, right now i find myself holding on to that last strand of hope that he still cares and will try to reach out to me soon before he goes back. This is stopping me from accepting that it's over and that i have to move on, that this is the end of the chapter. It's like i have only taken one step out but i still can't close the door. I am trying to pick myself up i hope that you guys will continue giving me input on how to cope with this and how i can close the door. Right now i can only pray for that day to come, when i'll wake up and realise i've forgotten he even existed.

[eye of the storm]

You will never forget him. But the pain lessens. And then one day he will be just a person. You won't hate him or miss him.

 

I knew I was truly over my ExH when I didn't get upset or stressed. He was just my kids' dad. I had finally let go. I didn't do it for him, I did it for me.

 

Put the phone down. Take a walk. Be you.

 

And you will slowly, with time and work, with friends and with family, become so much more than you ever realized you could be. And it will be spectacular.

 

Just keep that in mind. You are going amazing places.

Edited November 27, 2014 by eye of the storm

[herself]

He was living a double life. I do believe he loved you but with his family in another country he was able to block them out and live in the now with you.

He was faced with his wife and daughter right in front of him. Something he never saw coming and his two worlds collided.

He was forced to choose.

He may have loved you very much but could not let the mother of his child and his family go.

It was like a cold bucket of water, suddenly they are all he saw.

And he can't go back.

He no longer can live a double life the bubble bursted and now he can only try to make it right and let you go.

Its not about you. The love was real in the bubble.

It's going to hurt so much we all know this.

But you've got to now focus on your life.

You don't deserve to lose everything.

Men aren't everything they should compliment your life, not be your life. He is not your world. He was a part of it. Life doesn't end over a man.

You still have a long life ahead to heal, pick yourself up, and be good to yourself and find yourself again. Now your free of someone who lived a double life and lied.

Now you can step into the light and freedom. Your no longer part of a mess.

It's going to be okay in time. Give it time.

[jellybean89]

You deserve better than what he offered. He is a coward.

 

Focus on yourself each day...find one thing to make you happy.

 

Good luck

[bambiwboone]

It gets better . I promise it does. Read up on my situation. He will be back honey. And that is irrelevant because we need to be strong enough to tell them to piss up a rope! Mine has came back...I can't even count how many times. Once the fire cools down at home ...he will be back.

He hurt me so bad! I have a hard time even looking at these forums because "my story is different" and I was and still am in such denial.

You are going to have bad days...and you are going to have good days. Day by Day, life will get better. Don't rush it. Grieve, it's natural. Don't date right away, don't replace it. It wont work and it will just possibly hurt an innocent person.

Counsling may work, it did not for me. Time is the only thing that works. However, my MM keeps coming back, then going. Therefor it's like I get stabbed over and over again. Horrible.

[GirlStillStrong]

There is so much for you to learn. When you are living in the future, what could have been, what you hoped for with a person, what you think you are missing out on, you are not living in reality. This is one of the rudest awakenings I have had in my life. Same is said for when you are living in the past, being too sentimental, ruminating on what you should or should not have done, wishing things would go back to the way they were. So many people live like this, not paying attention to TODAY.

 

If you start by noticing when you do this, when your thoughts are focused on the past or future, refocus yourself on TODAY. Right now. What is going on around you. How you feel, what you need, etc. This will help with the pain, a lot, and help you take things one day at a time.

[Versailles]

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and trying to pick yourself up! You sound like you are still young, I'm sure you will find someone else who can be truly deserving of your love, it's just unfair that you treated him as your whole world whereas you are the lesser half of his world (sorry but it's true given that he has already told you it's over and he's going back to his country).

 

Good luck and I hope you will continue to heal your heart so that you can be back to being yourself! Oh, and in case he contacts you again, please ignore him. Even if he does contact you, he will just drop you again once his wife finds out again. If you've already started getting over him, don't give yourself hope and let history repeat itself again.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with what everyone else here has said. I'm sure he misses you a lot and I can almost guarantee you that he will contact you again. This is very common, even if it's 3 mos down the road. So you need to prepare for that and prepare for how you will handle this situation.

 

The truth is, things will never be the same between the two of you again because he has proven to you that he's willing to betray you. The most telling thing was when you called him at work and he couldn't even talk to you and give you a decent goodbye. So, even though you think you'd jump at the chance to have him back, he has destroyed that innocence and trust you had and it's not likely to be recovered.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. He was very wrong in how he led you on, convinced you of his love and everything else. Like a lot of people here, I've also been through some very tough heartache and I can tell you with certainty that you can survive this and come out on the other side smiling again. It does take time but you can get there. My thoughts are with you.