wtf is going on here

[ktya]

Ok I met this girl in early October. She 42 I am 38. I broke up with my most recent ex about a year ago and went out and aggressively multi-dated, had fun, sowed my wild oats, was starting to feel ready for a gf again but wanted to take it slow.

 

Me and the girl have lots in common. She grew up in the same town, knows lots of the same people, went to the same high schools even used to be my adopted mom's neighbor and wine drinking buddy next to the house I lived in when I went to high school.

 

She is a pretty good girlfriend has done an amazing job of cleaning and sprucing up my house makes me dinner and lunch almost every day she's been here.

 

But something is kind of off. She has an apartment but her son and his girlfriend are staying in it and her sister occasionally stays there when she's in town. She hasn't actually left my house since we left about six weeks ago. Her son has her bank card and she ran out of money about two weeks into staying here. She just got access to her bank account again yesterday.

 

Its been nice having her around and I'm in no rush to have her leave but when I've suggested nicely that she might want to check on her house, car, and get her bank card she has dismissed it saying her son is working and she doesn't want to go home to just end up hanging out with her son's girlfriend.

 

Then the plot gets even more off. She is 42 and has had a lot of pelvic surgery. She actually had some remedial inpatient surgery while she was here and spent some time here recovering. Doctor said she couldn't get pregnant because of it. She dated a previous guy for four months and went at it like rabbits and this bore true. And we just found out last week, that well, she is.

 

In trying to figure out what I want to do I suggested that a bit of alone time might be good, she's been here 6 weeks now and it would help me to clear my head to have some alone time. My tenants were both going out for the night and I figured a night with the house to myself would help me wrap my mind around this all. She offered to leave for a few hours and asked me how long I needed and I said well 24 hours would be nice.

 

She flipped out, talked about breaking up with me, it was a huge drama. I only wanted a day. She asked if I minded if her son grabbed her after work at 8pm and I said sure I'm not trying to get rid of her I just would like a bit of alone time and with the tenants out the timing would be perfect. Then after 8pm rolled around she said he would pick her up in the morning. He never came that was two days ago.

 

Further complicating matters is that after a year of casually dating, I am still friends with a bunch of the girls that I met over the course of the year. One girl who I never met who I very much treasured our friendship I texted a few times and she found out and flipped. My relationship with the girl did blur way beyond pure friendship sometimes and then pull back but shes a thousand miles away and I've never once met her. That night and the next day resulted in a bunch of wicked fights. There's another girl I dated January - March of last year who lives in another town who shows up in town and calls me sometimes. She has been in town twice and tried to see me but obviously I can't exactly have her over when my girlfriend is here. She has a boyfriend that she lives with now. All of the girls I casually dated that I'm friends with have boyfriends now.

 

Now I'm not sure what I want to do about the pregnancy and neither is she. Seeing as her son is having a baby and this baby would be effectively 2 months younger than her first grandson she is leaning heavily towards not having it. I havent ever had kids so I'm not as certain but I had written it off due to my age. I dont want to get into the pros and cons of termination here its a decision we will have to make.

 

When I started this relationship I framed it as we could have a relationship that wasnt so serious but was committed. She could have her place I could have mine. She has had 3 kids and was previously married and I've had my string of serious relationships. The plan was she could stop by any time she wanted to without even making plans and I would do likewise. Seemed like a good deal.

 

But now she's been here a month and a half straight, prego, showing no signs of leaving. The instant conversion from single and casually multi-dating to practically cohabiting has caused its issues with the girls I had previously on my radar. Because my girlfriend has never been at my house I have been unable to have the kinds of conversations you might normally have - its incredibly insensitive to dial up a girl who came over for booty calls once in a while and have a conversation with her in front of your girlfriend - and normally this kind of stuff would happen when the girlfriend was at home between visits.

 

I really do like the girl and chose to have a relationship with her. Whenever things have moved too fast for me in the past they have ended badly. But any suggestion that she might leave me to my life for a day or two causes her to peak.

 

Yarg.

[eye of the storm]

Stage V Clinger.

 

She isn't dating, she moved in. She did it to protect her turf. And unless a woman's uterus has been removed, she can get pregnant. I am constantly amazed by the people that treat birth control so casually. And by people, that means you too. you are riding bare back and I am willing to bet there was no STD check on either of you.

 

She doesn't want to leave because she is afraid she won't be let back in. Not even to get her bank card will she leave. Why would she? She has you locked up tight.

 

Good luck. I honestly don't see you getting out of this without a huge amount of trouble.

 

BTW, I would document all my household items and be careful of her when you actually try to get her out. I can see her accusing you of a DV.

[clia]

Wow. Nothing about this situation sounds normal. I mean...one day she just decided not to go back to her house or car and ran out of money? Who does that? Does she even have any of her clothes, make-up, personal items, etc.? Are you sure she's actually pregnant and are you sure it's yours?

 

I think you need to sit down with her and re-establish boundaries. Right now there are none. It's not unreasonable for you to expect her to go home sometimes when you've only been dating six weeks. Honestly, I think you are going to have a heck of a time getting rid of her.

[Toodaloo]

No idea what a DV is but all of the above!

 

6 weeks is no time at all... dear lord can't she ever go home???

 

Good Luck. I think your going to need it...

[eye of the storm]

DV Domestic Violence.

[ktya]

Yeah it seemed pretty normal at first but as time has gone by and the weeks have passed it's started to seem off. Especially after the fight over me texting someone a thousand miles away that I've never even met then the pregnancy you'd think that a day apart to collect our marbles would be a good thing. I only wanted 24 hours given the situation it wasn't like I was asking for a week and the reaction was pretty over the top.

 

Yes I saw a positive test she took 4 as she's in disbelief that this is even happening.

 

I know it's easy to dogpile on the other person in these forums so I want to stress that she really has been a pleasure to have around. I never asked her to cook, clean, wash my walls or redecorate my house (she asks me first doesn't just take liberties) she just does it.

 

I'm just having a hard time going from first time meeting to basically having a live in wife after casually multi dating for a year, and I never really said that I wanted to get that serious that fast.

 

One above poster might be onto something when he said she's protecting her turf. It was quite well known to her that earlier in the year I had up to 9 girls on the go (it was casual and this was fully disclosed, she learned from my roommates) so she might be terrified that if I get one day alone dome girl might just show up. That did come up when I asked for 24 hours with the house to myself.

 

I don't want to get rid of her but her not wanting to go home for even a day to check on things is a bit weird. My cousin thinks it's weird too and suggested that I ask to go to her house to meet her son and get a lay of the land.

[eye of the storm]

I would check the law in your area. She is homesteading. If she stays long enough, you might have to file legal eviction paperwork. I would get her out as soon as possible.

 

Also, the second that baby comes out have a paternity test. The sooner you do it the better for you legally and emotionally.

 

You should not have to beg her to leave your house. You never invited her to live with you. The fact that she won't leave when you asked tells you that she does not respect your wishes. She is doing what she wants and you just better deal with it.

 

Im sorry to say, this has cops and lawyer fees written alllllll over it.

[mammasita]

Holy crap, warp speed much?

 

A lot of things are off here - I think you've done a great job at ignoring your gut thus far.

 

Her son has her bank card and she ran out of money about two weeks into staying here. She just got access to her bank account again yesterday.

 

WHY? Why does her son have her bank card?

Why and how did she run out of money? Are you supporting her? After 6 weeks?

 

I mean, you're enabling her and you have been. You do have some decisions to make and its obviously going to be tough because.......yeah, stage V clinger buddy.

 

Good luck.

[ktya]

Well I've done a lot of thinking and I've let her know I'm leaning towards not going through with the child, given our ages, that it was an accident and the supreme awkwardness of her first grandkid going to be only 2 months older than this and 20 years younger than the next closest sibling.

 

She's not happy about not going through with it because of moral grounds which I understand but she's been saying that's the route she wanted so I'll just have to stay tuned and see where the chips fall. Her Dr appt is today and she was pushing me for an answer up or down last night do she would know where to go with her questions.

 

I never got the chance to have my own kids never met the right girl but having a kid the same age as your grandkid is just downright weird. I don't know if I could handle that. Its not my grandkid but still.

[ktya]

 

As for the pregnancy, I never trust a woman who says she can't get knocked up. I have had 2 different women tell me they were on birth control, or couldn't get pregnant for some other reason, only to have a pregnancy scare.

 

Yarg. This is my second right along those lines. Not that I don't want kids. I figured that with the deep interconnections plus her age (42) and that she has 3 kids in her 20s one of them pregnant that she wouldn't mess around with guesses.

 

Just I'm not sure I want kids in a situation like this. Maybe with a woman who was younger, or who had younger kids or no kids at all. If this were to go through I'm sure that the family on her side will be less than thrilled.

[elaine567]

Yarg. This is my second right along those lines. Not that I don't want kids. I figured that with the deep interconnections plus her age (42) and that she has 3 kids in her 20s one of them pregnant that she wouldn't mess around with guesses.

 

Just I'm not sure I want kids in a situation like this. Maybe with a woman who was younger, or who had younger kids or no kids at all. If this were to go through I'm sure that the family on her side will be less than thrilled.

 

This is a human being here, who cares it is the same age as her grandchild who cares if causes ructions in her family.

This kid is most likely your flesh and blood and as you have no other children then surely that is important, whoever the mother happens to be.

You are 38 not 18, time maybe to take things a bit more serious in your life.

[ktya]

With all due respect this is not the time for a debate about the ethics of abortion. The entire situation is stressful enough.

[CarrieT]

With all due respect this is not the time for a debate about the ethics of abortion. The entire situation is stressful enough.

 

I agree with you and hate it when Pro-Lifers look for situations like yours to preach...

 

Regarding your situation, although you like the girl, you barely know her in just six weeks.

 

You need to get her out of your house and the fact that she is pregnant is irrelevant until there is a paternity test.

 

She needs to understand that it has all moved too quickly and it is important to get to know someone through all four season (at least a year!) before physically moving in with someone and that it needs to happen more organically.

 

If she gets all nutsy-koo-koo on you about this, you might want to take it as a sign that she is not the one for you.

[Gloria25]

Goes to show you not to believe when someone says they're on BC and/or can't get preggo...Always cover your butt...

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Wow, I've got to say, reading your threads are almost as entertaining as a prime time drama. Each one more outrageous than the last.

 

All your relationships seem to be high intensity and full on for the first couple months with lots of drama then sort of fizzle or rather, completely implode so frankly, this latest turn of events comes as no big surprise from the outside looking in.

 

The fact that she won't leave and doesn't respect the fact that you need your space from time to time is worrying, but then again, everything about this situation is worrisome so...yeah. The thing is, she was "nesting" from day one and you let her. The cooking, redecorating, setting down roots...all the signs were there that she was digging in her heels and planning to stay for the long haul, yet for some reason rather than take a step back you just went along with it. And now she's pregnant.

 

My guess? She probably planned it all along, screw this nonsense about how old she is, how many kids she already has or how she thought she "couldn't get pregnant". She knew, or she at least hoped for it. S***t, even if not, she damn sure didn't take measures to prevent it. That being said, abortion sounds wholly out of the question. Not a lot of women can get pregnant in their 40s naturally and of those that do, how many are likely to terminate?

 

The reality of your situation is, you don't really know this woman. You could spend every waking moment with someone and think you know them after such a short time but in truth, you really don't and you can't. Would this be the person most guys would chose to be the mother of their children? Nope. But you don't really have a choice now.

 

I notice you've yet to mention her thoughts on the matter? Have you had a serious discussion about this at all yet or are you still just going through the motions?

[still_an_Angel]

This one has got trouble written all over. Please ask her to go back to her house asap. Otherwise you'll have a hard time getting her out. You are not ready for this relationship, much less having the baby.

[ktya]

I agree with you and hate it when Pro-Lifers look for situations like yours to preach...

 

Regarding your situation, although you like the girl, you barely know her in just six weeks.

 

You need to get her out of your house and the fact that she is pregnant is irrelevant until there is a paternity test.

 

She needs to understand that it has all moved too quickly and it is important to get to know someone through all four season (at least a year!) before physically moving in with someone and that it needs to happen more organically.

 

If she gets all nutsy-koo-koo on you about this, you might want to take it as a sign that she is not the one for you.

 

Thank you.

 

Every time I've had a warp speed relationship it has gone wrong. This is why I took my year off of back to back serial monogamy and was warily feeling like I was ready for a commitment. We discussed how she would live in her home and I would live in mine visit eachother lots without having to set up dates and have a relationship that wasn't serious. By not serious it was plainly discussed because she had been married once and already had three adult kids, and couldn't have kids and I was not shooting for marriage, the white picket fence or children either. She at one point when I mentioned that I would have always liked to have kids but never found the right girl and now I felt I was too old she even suggested maybe I find a girl that can until I corrected her that no I would have liked to have kids if I was younger.

 

Now I'm practically cohabiting with a wife. Moving in together isn't something I'm entirely opposed to but from the first day all this adjustment even without the pregnancy is too much. Throw that in and it's like my brain is going to explode .

 

I have talked to her at length about both the perpetual stay and the pregnancy. Just had another one this evening.

 

She did her Dr appt and was hoping that because of her messed up pelvis due to the surgery the Dr would say not a good idea. Dr said that the chances of this happening is like 1:150000 and said she wouldn't recommend to someone in her situation to try but went through how it could work by loosening the bolts and plates holding the bone together in the third trimester.

 

Do because of her problems with termination now she can't bring herself to terminate just because of an accident and an odd stage in her life to have a kid. Guess pending her changing her mind I'm going to be a dad. She said I could opt out and she wouldn't come after me for anything but I couldn't do that, have a kid out there and turn my back on it.

 

Sigh. I don't know what to do. She will make a great mom. I really didn't expect any of this... I was just on the cusp of feeling ready to commit again and was trying to get over that. now I've got way bigger fish to fry.

 

And hydra... try to be a nice minkie. This is a brutal shock.

[CarrieT]

Guess pending her changing her mind I'm going to be a dad.

Don't assume that without a paternity test. You have only known her six weeks. There is no telling how long she has been pregnant and there may be other reasons she so quickly "nested" in your home...

[Els]

This has been mentioned before in your other thread but you ignored it then - the two of you moved WAY too fast and that should have been a red flag to begin with. The girl virtually moves in with you after dating for less than a month and you allowed it, just because you liked having someone clean and cook for you. No sane and normal woman would be doing that IMO, and you went into this with full knowledge of that.

 

You need to start establishing boundaries now, but it will be difficult because you have already set a precedent of welcoming her with open arms for the past several weeks.

[clia]

Thank you.

 

Every time I've had a warp speed relationship it has gone wrong. This is why I took my year off of back to back serial monogamy and was warily feeling like I was ready for a commitment. We discussed how she would live in her home and I would live in mine visit eachother lots without having to set up dates and have a relationship that wasn't serious. By not serious it was plainly discussed because she had been married once and already had three adult kids, and couldn't have kids and I was not shooting for marriage, the white picket fence or children either. She at one point when I mentioned that I would have always liked to have kids but never found the right girl and now I felt I was too old she even suggested maybe I find a girl that can until I corrected her that no I would have liked to have kids if I was younger.

 

You had this discussion with her...and yet you find yourself with a "wife" and baby on the way at six weeks in. Honestly, this almost sounds premeditated on her part. You were never on the same page. You mentioned she's broke...maybe she's after some child support income? What does she say when you mention that she has already moved in to your house?

[eye of the storm]

SMH, raise your hands if you saw this coming.

 

If you can get your brain to function and your balls to work, I would contact an attorney and find out my rights/responsibilities and how to have a paternity test done immediately after the birth. There are ways to test prior to the birth but they are invasive to the mother and she can refuse.

 

Watch her freak when you tell her you are getting the baby tested. (don't do this till you talk to the lawyer)

 

Think about it, the timing is just toooo fast here. 6 weeks and she is already running to the doc. I didn't realize I was pregnant till way past 6 weeks with either of my kids. I'm willing to bet she got pregnant, knew the dude was a moneypit, saw you, smelled weakness, moved in, and "oops".

 

That is another reason she wont leave, she is trying to keep you from having time to think about all this or get advice.

 

By not taking care of your own BC, you chose to deal with this. This is Sex-Ed 101 They teach this to Jr High kids. Anytime you put your life in another's hands you are giving away any right to complain about what they choose to do with it.

 

This woman wanted you and your house, and guess what...at the very minimum she got 18 years of monthly checks out of you. (if the baby is yours or you don't check) But because of how you have let her steamroll you so far....she probably got everything she wanted.

 

I wish you the best of luck because you are really going to need it

[ktya]

You had this discussion with her...and yet you find yourself with a "wife" and baby on the way at six weeks in. Honestly, this almost sounds premeditated on her part. You were never on the same page. You mentioned she's broke...maybe she's after some child support income? What does she say when you mention that she has already moved in to your house?

 

That would be ludicrous, if that were the case as I was laid off my job when I met her and looking for a new one. Which I did find one and started working again just over a month ago, at a pay grade below what I desired. She's well aware my finances are a mess because of it. If its the smell of money she's after, its not coming off of me. I do have income earning potential as I work in investment banking, but I'm on commissions with a new book of business to build.

[ktya]

I'm willing to bet she got pregnant, knew the dude was a moneypit, saw you, smelled weakness, moved in, and "oops".

 

That is another reason she wont leave, she is trying to keep you from having time to think about all this or get advice.

 

Quite ironically I did have another girl do that to me in the past - I BBQed her in court. Different girl same first name.

 

No, I dont think that's what is happening here though, although you may be right on the latter point.

[eye of the storm]

OMG, this is not the first time a girl pulled the preggo card on you and you still don't take care of yourself?!?!?!?

 

I hate to say it but, you asked for this. Begged for it. And now you got it.

[ktya]

OMG, this is not the first time a girl pulled the preggo card on you and you still don't take care of yourself?!?!?!?

 

I hate to say it but, you asked for this. Begged for it. And now you got it.

 

Hey man a previous poster had it a second time too. Relax.